


November

by viii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Azog - Freeform, Bullying, Coming of Age, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Kíli Is a Little Shit, M/M, Minor Character Death, Orcs, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Drugs, Thorin doesn't know how to communicate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2020-09-25 19:02:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 91,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20376556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viii/pseuds/viii
Summary: In the wake of personal tragedy, Kili and Fili are moved half-way across the country to live with their Uncle Thorin and Dwalin, two friends who have yet to learn solo independence and now must raise these boys. On the cusp of turning eighteen, Kili struggles to find himself, pushing boundaries and asking for more than he should.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually the first Hobbit fic I started to write. It has sat on my laptop for years, and while it is only half done, it clocks in at 106,000 words so far. I figured it was time to finish it and post it, although I'm not sure if anyone is still here for this fic! Things to note - it is marked as underage, since Kili is not quite yet eighteen. So if you're not here for a fifteen year gap in a relationship, this fic is not for you. (Fic begins when Kili is 15, but jumps forward two years before anything romantic happen)

_You’re a bluebird on a telegraph line, I hope you’re happy now; well if the wind of change comes down your way, girl, you’ll make it back somehow…_

It’s an unusually cold day, late in August, when Thorin receives the phone call that flips his life upside down. He ends the call, his thumb still hovering over the screen, before he sets it down carefully on his desk. He feels dizzy and nauseous, and he doesn’t trust his legs to hold his weight if he tries to stand. He’s not aware that he even made a noise, but he must have, because his employer, Balin, is suddenly standing in the doorway of his office. 

“Thorin?” He says gently. “Are you all right? You’re awfully pale.”

_No, I am not all right,_ he thinks, his breath catching in his throat. _I don’t know if I will ever be all right again. _

“I don’t know,” is what he says instead. 

Balin’s thick, white eyebrows furrow further in concern. “You don’t know? Was it the phone call you received? Who was on the other end, Thorin?”

“The police,” Thorin says, and his voice sounds distant to his ears, like it’s echoing down a long, black tunnel. He reaches for his phone, gripping it tightly. “My sister…” his voice breaks, and he clears his throat. “Dis was in a car accident.”

“Jesus,” Balin says, moving closer to him and he lightly rests his hand against Thorin’s shoulder. The slight contact eases him, for Balin is like a father to him. “Do you need to leave? I’ll understand if you do. We can cover any of your accounts.”

“Yes,” Thorin says. He gives his head a mighty shake to clear the cobwebs, but all it does is instill a headache directly behind his right eye. He blinks furiously, his eye watering. “They told me I should come. I need to fly to Vancouver. Her boys… Dis’ boys were in the car.”

“Go home and pack. I’ll phone Dwalin.”

In normal circumstances, Thorin would roll his eyes and grumble, because he hates it when Balin instructs his younger brother Dwalin to see to Thorin. They were university roommates and the reason that Balin had originally hired Thorin at his accounting firm, taking a chance on him. He’s also Thorin’s current roommate and best friend. 

It will be good to see Dwalin right now, for he always knows what to do. 

In a daze, Thorin gathers his belongings from his office and quickly leaves the building. He walks the two blocks it takes to get to the Subway station, and when he’s turning the key in their apartment door, he doesn’t quite know how he got there. At the sound of his key, though, the doorknob is turning, and Dwalin is there to greet him. 

“Balin called me,” he says, pulling Thorin into a hug. “What did the hospital say?”

“They said I should come,” Thorin replies. The cobweb is slowly beginning to clear from his mind, and plans are formulating in its place. “I need to book the next flight to Vancouver. Will you come?”

“Of course,” Dwalin says, releasing Thorin from his grip, and he nudges him towards the hallway. “Go pack your bags, I’ll book us the next flight out.”

Thorin gratefully goes. 

The hallway of the hospital seems to stretch endlessly, and the waiting room is quiet when they finally arrive. They’re shown into a private room by a nurse, whose grave expression shuts down every emotion in Thorin’s heart. He steels his spine to accept whatever news he is given, and Dwalin bracingly squeezes his shoulder. 

The nurse gives them an appraising look as she leaves, and Thorin knows she believes they’re a couple. She’s not the first, and she certainly won’t be the last, but Thorin doesn’t care. Dwalin is his best friend, a brother at this point. And now, probably one of the few people he still has in his life. 

Who cares if she thinks they’re gay?

“The doctor will be with you momentarily,” she says gently before she closes the door behind herself and is gone. 

Thorin paces the room while he waits, because he’s never been able to sit still. Dwalin sits slouched in the chair, his thumbnail worrying a snag in his jeans. Thorin glances at his watch once more and bites back the agitated groan that threatens to slip out. He wants to know what’s happened to his sister and her children. Fili and Kili were both in the vehicle when the accident had taken place, but the police had given him limited details. 

His mind is going crazy with scenarios. 

Finally, the wooden door pushes open and a tall doctor walks into the room. His face is kind, and that makes Thorin want to cry. He doesn’t handle kindness well, it would be so much easier if the doctor was abrupt and had terrible bedside manner. Thorin would feel less guilty for hating him for telling him what he knows in his heart to be true. 

“Thank you for coming, Mr. Durin,” the doctor says, shaking Thorin’s hand, and then Dwalin’s. He sits down behind the desk, and folds his hands together. There’s a little powder by the corner of his thumbnail, Thorin observes, and it must be due to his gloves. 

“How’s my sister?” Thorin asks, hating the way his voice wavers with the question. “The police said she was going in for surgery.”

“Mr. Durin,” the doctor’s tone becomes even gentler, and Dwalin rests a bracing hand against Thorin’s shoulder. Thorin appreciates the grounding touch. “I’m sorry to tell you that your sister didn’t make it through the surgery. Her injuries were just too severe. We did our absolute best for her, but the damage was, ultimately, too extensive. I’m sorry.”

The breath rushes out of his lungs in one whoosh. He feels like he’s going to be sick, so he forces himself to inhale deeply through his nostrils. A spot on the carpet catches his attention, and he stares at it numbly. He wonders who had stained the carpet, and what sort of terrible news they had heard. He hears voices, sucked thin with distance through a tunnel, and he’s thankful all over again that he brought Dwalin. He’s always been more apt to handle stressful situations, whereas Thorin’s anxiety always seems to get the best of him. 

“The boys,” Dwalin says, and Thorin hones back into the conversation. Of course Dwalin would ask about the boys; he knows how much Thorin loves them. “They were in the car?”

“Fili and Kili Durin were both in the vehicle when the accident took place,” the doctor confirms. “However, they’ve sustained only minor injuries, and can be released when they have a guardian to sign for them.”

Thorin’s world tilts again, and he lifts a hand up to rub the back of his neck. The boys will need a guardian, and there is no one else but Thorin. Their mother had died young, Thorin had still been in diapers. His grandfather and father had raised him and Dis, but they lacked the ability to keep a stable household. His grandfather suffered from mental illness and disease, and eventually wound up in an institution when Thorin was ten. 

His father had tried to continue raising them, but the moment Thorin was of legal age of sixteen, he went on a fishing trip and never returned. Thorin doesn’t know if he’s dead or alive, and at this point, he almost doesn’t care anymore. Dis had suffered under the hands of Thrain, and had left the family home when she was just sixteen and Thorin fourteen. She had returned less than a year later with a newborn and boyfriend, and less than two years later, she had a second child when Thorin was sixteen. 

Now it was Dis and her boyfriend, Vili, left in charge of Thorin and two small children. It had been difficult, but they had done their best. Eventually, despite the fact that she had two small children and needed his help, Dis forced him out of the house and into university, where he was accepted on scholarships and went on to become a chartered accountant. By then, the young boys were older, and although Vili had left, never to be heard from again, Dis had encouraged Thorin to move out east and explore the world with his new roommate that he had he formed such a close friendship with – Dwalin. 

Dwalin… who had never signed up for any of this.

“Can we have a moment alone?” He asks gruffly, swallowing the lump in his throat. The doctor nods at his request and slips out of the room. Thorin doesn’t even hear the door shut over the roar in his ears. He turns to Dwalin, knowing that the expression on his face is as bleak as he feels inside. His eyes are beginning to sting. “You’re going to leave,” is what comes out, and he flushes at how needy he sounds.

Dwalin frowns, not following his line of thinking. “What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere, especially now. I’m here for you, Thorin.”

“I know, my friend,” Thorin says, softening. “What I mean, though… Dis is _gone_. I’ll have to take the boys. There’s no one else, and I can’t let them go into the system. They’ll have to come home with me.”

Dwalin is silent for a beat before he shakes his head. “They’ll have to come home with _us_,” he says. “Two teenage boys is a lot to take on. I want to help the best I can. I won’t leave you now.”

“But the apartment – ”

“So we’ll move, people do it all the time. We can get a three bedroom and the boys can share,” Dwalin shrugs his shoulders. “We’ll make it work, Thorin.”

“Thank you,” Thorin breathes out. The adrenaline that has been thrumming tightly through his veins dissipates, and he leans forward, resting his head against the table. His eyes burn bright, but the tears don’t fall until he feels Dwalin’s hand resting gently on his back. “Thank you for everything.”

Thorin only views the body because legally, he is the only one who can identify it formally. He would never ask it of the boys, for their last memory of their mother will already be difficult enough. He hates it, though, and wishes he could be anywhere else. 

He doesn’t want to remember Dis like this. 

He’s led into the room, and the attendant is carefully pulling back the sheet. She’s lying on the table, and if it wasn’t for the fact that he knew she was gone, he would think she was merely sleeping. Sobs grip him tightly, and he brings his fists up to his face to hide himself from view. He’s ashamed of his tears, but he’s incapable of stopping them. 

“Is this your sister?” The attendant asks, and Thorin would be tempted to punch her if he didn’t know that she was just doing her job. “Is this Dis Durin?”

“Yes,” he chokes out, grief wracking his frame. He collapses on to the chair beside the table, a low moan escaping him. “This is my sister.”

“I’ll leave you alone for a moment with her, if you’d like,” she says, gently resting her hand on his shoulder before retreating. 

He forces himself to sit up and take her hand, even though it’s so cold. He doesn’t know how much time he will have left with her, and this is the last time he will look upon his sister’s face. They had been close in childhood, distant in their youth, and then reunited as adults. She was one of his best friends, and there’s a part of him that still can’t fully believe she’s _gone_. 

He promises her that he’ll take care of the boys, he’ll make sure they finish high school and do something successful with their lives. It was always so important to her that her sons had opportunities that she didn’t. They’ll be absolutely brilliant, and she’ll be so proud of them. He’ll do his best with them, he’ll make sure they’re safe and happy. 

Above all, he promises her that none of them will forget her, that she will always be the fondest memory in their hearts. 

And then, he says goodbye. 

The hospital has placed the boys in the same room, and Thorin hates to know that they have already been here for 24 hours without friends or family for support and comfort. He doesn’t know what they’re aware of, if they know that Dis is gone yet. They’re both almost adults, Fili being 17 and Kili being 15, but they’re technically still minors, and so Thorin isn’t certain of what information they’ve been privy to. He’s tempted to ask the nurse standing at her station what he can expect, but he stiffens his spine and pushes the door to their room open, Dwalin following behind. 

The first bed is empty, which doesn’t surprise Thorin in the slightest. Both boys are crammed into the same bed, with Kili sleeping and Fili curled up behind him, reading a book. He looks up at the noise, and his face falls in relief. He reaches out wordlessly to Thorin, who doesn’t hesitate. He grabs Fili’s hand and leans against him gently, hugging the boy tightly against his chest. 

“I’m fine,” Fili is quick to say, his voice muffled against the thick flannel of Thorin’s shirt. “Just bumps and bruises. Kili got it worse, his head smacked against the window. He was concussed, but he’s better now, so they’re letting him sleep.”

Fili shifts his legs over so Thorin can sit down on the edge of the bed. He keeps Fili’s hand tight in his own as his gaze sweeps over Fili’s face, categorizing every bruise and scrap he sees. His eyes move over to Kili next, asleep with a thick, white bandage swaddled around the crown of his head. Thorin’s heart hurts to know the pain these boys have experienced will be mild compared to the devastating news he has to bring. 

“I am so thankful neither of you are seriously hurt,” Thorin says, feeling older by the minute. “Your mother… Dis…” he trails off, his throat feeling thick. 

“We know she’s gone,” Fili whispers, looking down at his lap. “They told us that she didn’t make it out of surgery, and that you were coming for us.”

“I’m so sorry, Fili,” Thorin says, pulling him into another hug. It’s only then that he’s able to fully cry, which makes Fili cry as well. Their tears draw Kili from sleep, and he tucks himself into the hug, his tears mingling with their own. 

They’re all crying, but it feels _good_. It feels right to mourn Dis this way, to mourn her together as a new family. 

Five days later, the funeral is finished and Dis has been buried underneath an oak tree in a small cemetery. Thorin wishes he could afford to ship the body from Vancouver to Toronto, but between renting in downtown Toronto and paying off his student loans, Thorin has struggled with money for as long as he can remember. Dwalin had suggested cremation, but the boys had both shaken their heads. Dis would not have wanted to burn, even if it was cheaper. And this way, Thorin reasons to himself, she is buried near family, even if she had struggled with them all her life. 

They rent a U-Haul so they can drive back. Thorin wishes they could just fly, since they’d be home sooner, but the boys have a lot of belongings that they’re bringing with them. Not a lot in a typical sense, since Thorin knows that their meager possessions pale in comparison to a normal teenager, but he lives in a tiny apartment that is going from two occupants to four. They sell off the majority of the big stuff, although he lets the boys keep a few items of Dis’ for sentimental sake. 

It’s a two day drive, and between Thorin and Dwalin switching on and off, they’re able to drive through the nights and save money on hotel rooms. They’re almost home, Thorin can see the Toronto skylights in the horizon, when Kili finally speaks up. He’s been mostly silent for the entire trip, and his voice is rusty with disuse. 

“I’ve decided that I want to be home-schooled.”

Thorin blinks, startled. Of all the things he expected Kili to finally say when he started talking again, that wasn’t it. He narrows his eyes and tightens his grip on the steering wheel. He can’t react in any sort of negative way, not when Kili is grieving like he is. “Kili, you can’t be home-schooled. I work full-time.”

“I can take my classes online then,” Kili says stubbornly, and Thorin looks up to the rearview mirror to see that Fili is side-eyeing his brother. 

“You’ll like school,” Dwalin says, twisting around in the front seat to look at the boys. “Why are you even wanting to be home-schooled? Only weird, religious kids are home-schooled.”

“That’s not true,” Fili interjects. “That’s a stereotype.”

“Exactly,” Kili latches on, shooting his brother a relieved look. Thorin resists the urge to roll his eyes. “I don’t want to go to a new school where I don’t know anybody.”

“You know Fili,” Dwalin points out. 

“He graduates this year,” is the rebuttal. 

Thorin swallows the sigh that is threatening to slip out. Kili isn’t himself right now, he’s mourning and has become even more stubborn and insolent. It’ll pass, or at least he hopes. The Kili he remembers was one that was quick to smile and full of laughter. Thorin just needs be patient with him. 

Patient… Thorin can handle that… if he tries really, really hard. 

“Fili has a whole year of school left,” Thorin settles on saying, hoping that his tone is coming across as patient. “By the time Fili graduates, you will have made new friends, and you won’t even worry about him being gone.”

“I’m not going, and that’s all there is to it,” Kili says, two red spots appearing on his cheeks. “In fact, I don’t even want to move to Toronto. I’m going back to New West, I can live with Ori.”

“Ori lives with his two older brothers, I think they have enough going on,” Thorin says. “I know this is a really big change for you, Kili. I’m sorry it has to happen.”

“What, no bullshit line about how it will be okay, or it’s meant to be? Everything happens for a reason, and all that?” Kili’s aiming for sarcastic and flippant, but Thorin can hear how his voice wavers. His nephew is very close to breaking. 

“No bullshit line,” Thorin says, wishing that he wasn’t driving so he could turn around and comfort Kili. He hates seeing their grief, it echoes so sharply in his own. “It’s not going to be easy, in fact, it’s going to be really hard. We’re all hurting, but at least we can hurt together. It will be okay in the end, I promise.”

“Toronto is a joke,” Kili sniffs, pushing his dark, shoulder-length hair back. “Ori mocked me and said I was going to become a _hipster_.”

Dwalin hoots with laughter, his feet propped up on the dashboard of the rental car. “Give it a couple of months and I bet he’ll be right.”

Thorin throws Dwalin a warning look, because right now they have to be gentle with Kili. The last thing Thorin wants to see is Kili having a meltdown. He’s seen it before, and it’s not pretty. The previous ones had always been over minor events, Kili has never had to deal with something this large in his life before. 

Thorin hopes that it will make him stronger for it, but he’s only fifteen, and so Thorin can cut him some slack. 

Dwalin plants his hand over Thorin’s face and gently shoves him away. “We won’t let you turn into a hipster, don’t worry.”

“You’re not cool enough to be a hipster,” Fili says teasingly. 

“You’re not emo enough,” Thorin says, trying to join in on the joke, and he gives Kili a tentative smile in the rearview mirror. 

“Emo indicates someone who is miserable, hates themselves, and cries,” Kili says harshly, glaring out his window. “I’m an orphan, being forced to move to a city where I don’t know anyone. Of course I’m miserable.”

The car falls silent at that, and when Thorin glances at him through the rearview mirror, he doesn’t miss the tears that slide down Kili’s face. He stifles another sigh and clenches the wheel harder. He shouldn’t have tried joking like that, he only upset him. Patience… he just needs to learn to be patient with Kili. 

Thorin doesn’t speak again until he’s pulling the car up outside the large apartment building that they live on. Cars honk as he steals several spots, the trailer taking up more space than he had anticipated. He ignores the honks and puts the car in park, shutting it off. Without the hum of the motor, the silence is even more profound. 

He turns around in his seat and smiles at the boys, who both stare back at him solemnly. “Welcome home,” he says awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I think you boys are really going to learn to love it here.”


	2. Chapter 2

There’s a gaping void in his chest, and Kili fears that nothing will ever fill it again. The past few days have been a complete blur, how has it almost been an entire week since he’s heard his mother’s voice, or felt her hand brush his hair back? He’s spent the time mute, unable to speak, for if he opened his mouth, he fears nothing but wretched, mangled sobs would pour out. 

He stares at the bedroom that Thorin is showing them. There’s a double bed, a small, chipped nightstand, a skinny tall dresser, and a desk crammed in the corner. He swears that if he tried hard enough, and stretched his arms out, he’d be able to touch both ends of the walls. And yet, this is supposed to be not only his bedroom, but Fili’s as well. 

“I know it’s small,” Thorin says, his voice heavy with apologies. Kili hums in agreement. “I promise that it’s only temporary. We’ll start looking for a bigger place, and hopefully move soon.”

“It’s fine,” Fili says, and Kili glares at the floor. He hates that his brother is such a peacemaker, for it usually results in Kili coming off looking bad. 

“I can barely _breathe_ in here,” he says, pushing his way out of the tiny room. He goes across the hallway to the second bedroom. It’s much larger with a queen side bed and a bay window. “I want this room.”

“That’s my room, and now Dwalin’s,” Thorin says from the hallway. “We’ll get rid of the double bed, take out the desk… we’ll make it work, Kili.”

“Whatever,” Kili says, shoving past Thorin to get to the bathroom, and he slams the door shut. 

It’s the tiniest bathroom he’s ever been in, but it’s the only place in this godforsaken apartment that gives him the privacy he craves. He stares at himself in the cracked mirror, water droplets and toothpaste stains littering the bottom section. His dark hair is getting shaggy, kicking up in the back. His mother had said the day before she died that he needed a haircut and she would book him one. He runs his hand through it, straightening it out. He likes it long, maybe he’ll let it grow out. 

Someone thumps on the door, and Kili scowls. He’s been in here for less than five minutes, and he’s already expected to get out. Is he now doomed to spending the next three years in a shoebox apartment with zero privacy?

“What,” he says flatly, unsure of whom is on the other side. He’s not as close to Thorin as he used to be when he was growing up and they visited more often. And he only really knows Dwalin as Thorin’s friend, the occasional guest at Christmas or Thanksgiving when he couldn’t be bothered going home to his own family. 

“Get out, I have to go,” Fili’s voice comes floating through the paper thin door. 

“Go away,” Kili shouts. They’ve always been a close pair, raised more as twins than brothers, but there’s times when Kili doesn’t even want to see him. 

“Get out!” Fili insists, thumping on the door again. 

“_Go away_,” Kili says again, this time emphasizing his point with a kick to the door. His foot goes right through it, leaving a large hole. 

“There goes the damage deposit,” Dwalin quips. 

“Oh, Kili,” he can hear Thorin sighing. 

He bites back the curse that wants to slip out, and gently removes his foot from the hole. He unlocks the door and swings it open, the back of his neck feeling hot. “Sorry,” he says, unable to meet his uncle’s gaze. 

“We’ll figure it out,” Thorin says bracingly, resting a hand against Kili’s shoulder. He ducks away from the comforting touch and makes his way to the front door, sliding his sneakers on and slipping outside. 

The apartment is tiny enough, but there’s more in the outside world that he can learn to explore.

***

“It’s not so bad,” Fili says, over two weeks later, as they lay in the infuriating furnace that is supposed to pass for a bedroom. 

Kili grunts in response, standing up from his single bed so he can reach the window. He tries to jam it up further in the hopes of coaxing a breeze in, but the air outside is hot and muggy, and a splinter wedges itself in his index finger. He throws himself back down on his creaky mattress that still smells like mothballs. “It’s so hot in here, I can’t even _think_.”

“It’s not that bad,” Fili repeats, although Kili is sure that his brother is only trying to convince himself. Lord knows that Kili isn’t stupid enough to believe him. “It’s not going to be forever.”

“It’s long enough,” Kili grits out. Thorin had promised they would move, and he has yet to see his uncle even look at new apartments. He had at least gotten them separate beds, although Kili doesn’t even want to ask what dumpster he found them in, for they smell rank. 

Fili doesn’t answer, and silence descends on the room. Kili rolls over to face the wall, closing his eyes as he tries to force himself into a sleep. Outside noises still startle him sometimes, but he is getting used to the sound of the city, it’s not so different from New Westminster, where they used to live.

Thinking of home makes his chest clench tightly, and he swallows thickly. His mind drifts miles away to where Ori must be laying in his own bed, and he wonders if his best friend is missing him. They’ve texted, but it hasn’t been the same. Ori never knew his parents, and Kili is a fifteen year old, he doesn’t know how to tell Ori how badly he’s hurting. So they keep their conversations light and shallow, focusing on school and whatever trouble Nori has gotten into lately. 

Nori is Ori’s older brother, who is twenty and helps raise him. He had been Kili’s first kiss, just two months ago. Nori had been drunk at the time, Kili cold stone sober and confused. He had liked it well enough, though, enough to confirm that question that had been lingering in his mind for years. 

He had told Nori before he left that he would think of him, but Nori had just laughed and shoved him away. Kili always got the feeling that it was just a bit of fun to Nori, who never really spoke to him if they were outside of the apartment. Kili had never told Ori about the kiss he had shared with Nori, he didn’t think he’d understand it. He didn’t tell Fili either, because his brother has a habit of over-reacting, and it had seemed like something he’d over-react about.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t told anyone. Not because he was ashamed that Nori was a boy, but because he wasn’t quite ready to make that information public. It’s his business to know, no one else’s. 

He does his best to fall asleep, but between thinking of home and the heat, sleep eludes him. He finally gives up around two in the morning and tip-toes out of the room to get a drink. He carefully closes the door behind himself so he doesn’t wake Fili, whose breathing has finally evened out. Fili is tired, and needs his rest. Kili doesn’t want to disturb him any more than he already does. 

The living room light is on, and Thorin is sitting on the couch, papers strewn over the coffee table in front of him. He sits hunched over, a red pen methodically ticking away at numbers. Thorin is an accountant, something Kili finds dreadfully boring, but he always does his best to appear interested when Thorin starts talking about work. 

He looks up as Kili sidles into the room and frowns after he consults his watch. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

Kili still isn’t entirely sure how to act around his uncle. Their relationship is still too new – growing up, they had seen Thorin twice a year. While he had always been kind to them, there was a gruffness to his demeanor that had always warned Kili off. Whenever Thorin had visited, Kili was often scarce, or stuck close to his mother. Fili was the one who had grown a rapport with Thorin, and now that his mother isn’t here anymore, Kili relies on Fili to be the mediator between Thorin and himself. 

However, with Fili sleeping right now, and Thorin staring at him like he expects an answer, Kili will have to manage on his own. He sits on the very edge of the couch and twists his index finger in the hole on the hem of his shirt. 

“I can’t sleep, it’s too hot,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Thorin’s frown deepens. Kili has learned in the little while that they’ve been living together that Thorin doesn’t like Kili questioning him, or worse – turning his own questions against him. Sometimes he ignores Kili when he does this, but tonight he says, “I have some work to catch up on, and Dwalin’s snoring was driving me mad.”

Kili still doesn’t understand what the deal with Dwalin is. He’s been a family friend and around for as long as Kili can remember, but Kili has no idea why he doesn’t have a family of his own. Sometimes he’d come out west with Thorin for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and sometimes he didn’t. Kili’s mom used to always say that eventually Dwalin would grow up and move out, but considering he’s still living with them and he’s in his thirties, Kili doesn’t see it happening. 

He doesn’t judge him for it, though. He’s going to live with Fili until he’s old too, because it’s always better to live with your best friend. 

“Oh,” he says in return, craning his head forward so he can get a glimpse at the papers Thorin is working on. It’s a bunch of numbers that don’t make any sense to him, so he leans back, disappointed. He pushes a hand through his shaggy hair and waits until the frown has smoothed out over Thorin’s face before he speaks again, saying, “I don’t want to start school.”

The frown immediately returns, and Thorin looks up at him, looking more tired and older than Kili has ever remembered seeing him. “You don’t have a choice, Kili,” Thorin says. He’s using that tone, the one that implicates that Kili doesn’t fully understand the ‘big picture’. Kili understands it just fine – he knows that he will never return home and is with Thorin for a few years now until he graduates.

He will never see his mother again. No, he understands the big picture well enough, that doesn’t mean he has to _like_ it. The thought of never seeing his mother again causes his chest to clench and he sucks in a sharp breath, glaring at Thorin through the pain. 

“I’m fifteen years old, I should be given a choice,” he argues. 

“Kili, it’s two in the morning. I am not having this discussion with you right now,” Thorin replies, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Actually, we’re not having this discussion again. You’re living under my roof, and you have to go to school. I’m sorry, but this isn’t up for debate.”

Classes begin in less than three days’ time, and Kili is dreading it. He states so, and avoids the concerned look Thorin gives him. 

“Fili will be with you,” Thorin says. “Now, this matter is finished, so let’s leave it. Try to sleep, everything will be all right.”

***

On the first day of school, Kili allows himself to foolish hope that Thorin is right and everything will be fine. As long as he keeps his head down, he can avoid the other students. However, he’s on the receiving end of mocking comments by the first hour, and by the third hour, Kili is sitting in the principal’s office with a bloody nose. 

“You want to tell me what happened?” The principal, Mr. Laketown, looks down at Kili over his glasses with a heavy glare on his fat face. 

Kili doesn’t want to tell him anything, and he blinks back unrepentantly at him. “A kid was picking a fight,” he says, wiping the back of his hand under his nostrils, and it comes away red. 

“Which kid?” Mr. Laketown presses. 

“Azog,” Kili spits out. The bully had noticed Kili right away. He always seems to attract the attention of the bullies – the tallest, strongest bullies are always the first to notice how different Kili is. 

“We don’t tolerate fighting here,” Mr. Laketown says. “I’m sure that was explained to you. I understand this is your first day. I’m not sure where you came from exactly in Vancouver, but our school is all about tolerance and acceptance. Is that going to be a problem for you, Kili?”

“So it was tolerant of Azog to call me a fag?” Kili raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t know how the bullies are always so quick to figure it out. They always seem to know his sexuality better than he does. Maybe they just call everyone who is a little different a fag, and hope that eventually it’ll be true with one of them. 

It’s always true with Kili. 

“Are you sure you heard that term?” Mr. Laketown shakes his head. “That kind of language isn’t acceptable here, and every student knows that. Now, go clean your face and go back to class. I hope you don’t make this a habit, otherwise we will have to speak to your guardian.”

Kili opens his mouth to argue that he hadn’t done anything wrong. _They_ had started it, and he could hardly be faulted for defending himself. At the look on Mr. Laketown’s face, and the thought of Thorin’s reaction to trouble, the hot words quell in his throat. He shoves his chair back roughly and stomps out of the office. 

The blood has dried by the time school ends for the day and he’s able to meet Fili outside. They take the bus as far as they can and then walk the last couple of blocks by themselves. Fili’s whistling, something he only does when he’s really pleased, and Kili’s heart sinks in his chest. If he thought he was going to find an ally in Fili, he’s wrong. 

“Good day?” Fili asks, looking down at him with a bright, happy smile. It’s the happiest he’s looked since the day their mother died. 

Kili isn’t entirely selfish, he can’t bear to take away that joy because who knows how long it will be until he sees it again. No, he certainly can’t confide in his brother about how terrible the first day of school had been. 

“It was fine,” he says quietly. “It was just fine.”

The next four days go by the same. Azog taunts him, but Kili doesn’t bleed anymore and he doesn’t fight back. Bruises bloom all along his back and chest from where he’s shoved into lockers, walls, doorframes, anything that can be painful. He grits his teeth and does his best to ignore them, hoping that they’ll tire of him. 

If anything, though, it appears that Azog and his cronies are just warming up. He has an army of friends behind him – tall, beefy kids with pimpled faces and knuckles that crack too easily. They’re all born with sneers and they don’t hesitate in crowding around him so he can’t escape. 

Friday night he stands in the bathroom in Thorin’s apartment with the door locked, and stares at his chest. It’s mottled blue, purple and black, spreading down his torso until it winds around his ribs to finish off in a flourish on his lower back. It’s an impressive work of art, he has to admit. It also hurts something fierce, and bending over without gasping is nearly impossible. He never had this pain at home, and while he was different enough that sometimes he got teased, he always had Ori and other friends who stuck by him, so the bullies never got their hands on him. 

Right, it’s decided then. 

He leaves the bathroom and avoids Dwalin in the kitchen, going to their room where Fili is sitting on his bed, his back pressed against the wall and books spread out over his lap. He’s studying, but Kili doesn’t hesitate in going to sit beside him. He glances up at the open door, stands to shut it, and then resumes his position by Fili’s left knee. 

“Can we talk?” He whispers. Thorin isn’t home, but Dwalin is cooking something in the kitchen, while the TV blares in the living room. “It’s really important.”

Fili lowers the book his nose is currently stuffed into, and frowns at him. “What’s going on?”

Kili twists his fingers anxiously in the crease of his jeans. He doesn’t know how Fili is going to handle his proposition, especially since he hasn’t told him of any of the problems. “I’m going back to New West,” he finally says. “And I’d really like it if you came with me.”

Fili blinks at him before he snorts and goes back to his book. “Kili, I know you’re homesick,” he says absently, licking a finger to turn a page. “Going home to New West isn’t an option. Where would you stay?”

“With Ori, of course,” Kili says promptly. “He’ll gladly let me stay there. We’re best friends, you know.”

“Yes, I am aware,” Fili says dryly. “Uncle will never allow it, though.”

“Sure he would,” Kili says stubbornly, even though he doesn’t necessarily believe Thorin will. “Look at the size of this dump. Uncle isn’t prepared to have two teenagers living with him, plus Dwalin – who is almost as big as this apartment.”

“We’ll be moving soon, Uncle is looking at new places,” Fili says. “You can surely hold out until then.”

Kili leans forward and the movement catches his breath in his throat. No, holding on until they move will solve little for him. Thorin had already said that they’d find an apartment in the same neighborhood, since this is where he and Dwalin both work. Moving won’t allow Kili to switch schools, and so it will solve actually nothing. No, Kili needs to go back to Vancouver – back to his home. Maybe Fili is okay with living in Toronto and never looking back, but Kili isn’t. 

He has friends in Vancouver, he had a life there, one he was relatively happy with, and nobody shoved him around. 

“Well, I’ll be going once I find the money,” he warns. 

“Good luck with that.” Fili pats his leg condescendingly. “By the time you’ve saved your pennies for the bus fare, you’ll be eighteen and Uncle will wave you off himself.”

Kili wrenches away from Fili and stomps back to the bathroom, the only room in this box where he has the slightest smidgen of privacy. He’ll leave without Fili, then. It will be hard to be completely without family, but he doesn’t need his brother if he’s going to be such a traitor. He should probably begin to plan, though. He will need something concrete before he does anything too foolish. 

With that thought, he slips out of the bathroom and down to the living room where Dwalin has now relocated, a steaming plate of pasta balancing on his lap as he shouts at Hell’s Kitchen. 

Kili waits for a pause in the yelling before he says, “Dwalin? Could I borrow your laptop for a couple of minutes? I have an assignment for school and I need to look up a few facts before I can start my essay.”

Dwalin nods without looking up and points in the general direction of the tiny galley kitchen. “Think it’s on the counter in there,” he says. 

Kili retrieves it and sits down in the living room, on the same couch as Dwalin, but he tilts the screen so Dwalin can’t see it. He opens up the internet and goes to the Greyhound bus site. He searches a ticket from Toronto to Vancouver, and is disappointed to see that the fare is over three hundred dollars. How is he ever going to earn three hundred dollars? He’s sure once he’s back in New West that Ori and his brothers will help him out. Back when it had all happened (and how has it almost been a month already), Ori had told him he couldn’t go to Toronto, he had to stay with him. 

Kili hopes he meant it, because the moment he finds three hundred dollars, he’s out of here. 

He carefully wipes the history and closes the laptop, setting it down beside Dwalin. Standing from the couch, he murmurs a quick thank you before he darts back to his room. Provided he can figure something out money wise, he could leave before the end of the month and finish out the rest of his Grade 10 year in New West. He’ll have to pack his stuff in his backpack, since he won’t be able to take too much without raising suspicion. Once he’s settled back home, he can wear some of Ori’s clothes until Thorin sends the rest of his belongings. 

Flopping down on the bed, he begins to think about money and how he can possibly save for three hundred dollars. He’s meant to go home, he _knows_ he is. 

Something is bound to work out.

***

It’s the next day, Saturday, when they’re sitting in the living room eating Chinese food that fate presents herself. Thorin comes home and drops a manila envelope down on the coffee table. It makes a loud thunk when it hits, and Kili abandons his food in order to investigate. He peels back the flap and lets out an audible gasp at all the cash he sees. 

“Where did you get all of this?” He asks, pulling out a handful. 

Thorin tuts and reaches for it, pushing the money back inside. “Be careful,” he admonishes. “It’s not actually mine. A client paid me in an obnoxious amount of cash, and I can’t take it to the bank until Monday.”

“There must be thousands of dollars in here,” Kili says in awe. 

“A couple,” Thorin confirms before he nudges the envelope back on to the table and reaches for a carton of fried rice. “Kili, how was your first week of school?”

“Fine,” Kili says, his eyes still staring at the manila envelope. This is it – this is how he can buy the ticket and go home. Once he’s settled in New West he can get a part-time job after school and he’ll be able to pay Thorin back. This envelope has thousands of dollars in it, Thorin won’t notice right away if a couple hundred is missing. 

His moment comes after they’ve finished eating. Fili returns to their bedroom to continue his homework and Dwalin heads off to the bathroom to have a shower. Thorin begins to gather the empty cartons and disappears into the kitchen. Kili can hear dishes rattling around so he uncurls the flap as slowly as he can and slides his hand inside. He curls his fingers around a handful of bills and pulls them out, stuffing them into his pocket. He straightens the flap back down and slides back against the couch, his eyes returning to the TV as he forces his breathing to even out.

Thorin steps out of the kitchen and smiles at him, grabbing the remote to shut the TV off. “Why don’t you go finish your essay Dwalin told me you were working on? You can watch TV once your homework is finished.”

Kili rolls his eyes, but he goes to his room without complaint. Laying on his bed with his back to Fili, he carefully pulls the crumpled bills out of his pocket and rubs them flat. He counts them quickly, relieved to see that he managed to grab $370. It’s enough to buy his ticket, and shouldn’t hopefully raise any suspicions. 

Sliding them back into his pocket, Kili grins at the wall. He’ll be back home by Monday, ready to go back to school and back to his _real_ life. He can’t wait. 

Kili had told Thorin that he was going to the corner store to buy some gum, and had left shortly after. He hadn’t planned to leave quite so early, but Fili had left the apartment to go to a movie with friends (and how unfair was it that Fili already has friends who want to hang out, and all Kili has are bruises?) so he had been able to pack his bag in peace. He arrives at the bus station and buys his ticket, climbing aboard since he’s just barely made the cut-off time, and it leaves momentarily. 

He finds a seat in the middle and stores his backpack at his feet, leaning his head against the window to watch the people that continue to stream around the bus terminal. He already misses Fili, and he wishes he had been able to give him a proper goodbye, but if he had hugged Fili before he left for the movies, his brother would have certainly known that something was up. 

He forces Fili from his mind, because he can’t afford to think about him right now. The very idea of being all alone without his brother beside him makes his chest seize and his breathing turn rapid and short. Dwelling on thoughts of Fili gives him a panic attack, so he forces himself to turn his mind to better things like seeing Ori again, and wills himself into a light sleep. 

When he wakes, there’s nothing but darkness all around him. The bus rumbles down the highway, and Kili cheers up a bit. He’s actually managed to do it – he’s left the tyrannical Thorin behind, and he’s going to be reunited with his best friend. He wants to pull out his phone to play on it, but the battery is nearly dead and he wants to save it as much as he can, so he spends his time looking at the other people on his bus and imagining where they’re headed.

By the time they pull into a smaller bus terminal to pick up some other passengers, he is feeling relatively positive about the whole ordeal. He grabs his backpack and hops off to stretch his legs and use the washroom. He has total claustrophobia problems and the idea of using the bathroom on the bus terrifies and disgusts him all at once. 

He takes his time in the washroom, savoring his new found independence. Once he’s finished and he’s washed his hands, he wanders out to the small canteen inside the terminal and springs for a burger and two bags of chips. Running away is hard work, and eating Chinese food seems like years ago. He only has twenty bucks left to his name, the ticket had been a little more money than he had planned, but it’s worth it. Once he gets to New West he can borrow from Ori until he’s back on his feet. He takes his burger once it’s ready and wanders outside to the empty terminal. 

Wait – empty terminal?

The burger drops from his hand, splattering all over the pavement, but Kili doesn’t even realize it. He’s staring blankly at the spot where the bus used to be and how it is most definitely not there anymore. He spins around and dashes back inside, throwing himself against the counter, ignoring the startled look from the attendant. 

“Where’d the bus go?” He demands, his breathing growing rapid and he digs his fingernails into the palm of his hand in an attempt to calm himself down. 

“The bus left about ten minutes ago, we did a call for it,” she says slowly, taking a step back from him. “You’ll have to wait for the next one.”

“No, I’ve got my ticket.” He fumbles around in his pocket and pulls out his ticket stub, sliding it across the hard Formica counter. “I left from Toronto, I’m supposed to go all the way to Vancouver.”

“Well, you’ll have to repurchase a ticket,” she says, shrugging her shoulders. “The tickets are non-transferrable and non-refundable. You’ll owe me… two hundred and thirty-five, twenty-five.”

Kili knows he only has twenty dollars to his name. He shakes his head, swallowing thickly. “I don’t have that kind of money, I already spent my money on my first ticket. Can’t I use my stub to catch the next bus?”

“No, it’s company policy. Sorry!” she says, snapping her gum. She sure doesn’t sound sorry. “It’s two hundred and thirty-five. I’ll wave the twenty-five cents.”

“My friend in Vancouver has a credit card. Would he be able to pay for a ticket over the phone?” He asks. Nori has a credit card, he could phone Ori and ask if Nori would spend the money on him. He could pay Nori back as well as Thorin. 

“No, company policy that the credit card holder must be here in person,” she says.

Kili wants to reach across the counter and strangle her with his bare hands. He curls his hands into fists and clenches them at his side so he doesn’t do anything stupid. “You’re extremely unhelpful, did you know that?” He snaps. “You’re making it damn near impossible for me.”

“Shouldn’t have missed your bus,” she retorts, sliding the glass window shut. 

Kili wheels around and walks away before he breaks the glass to get to her. He stomps over to a plastic chair and throws himself down into it. He has to think of a back-up plan now, unless he calls Fili to come and get him. That’s a last resort option, because he can only imagine how furious Thorin is right now. He glances up at the large clock that hangs on the wall and sees that it’s past nine at night. He’s been gone for five hours now, he’s pretty sure that Thorin will realize he still isn’t at the corner store buying gum. 

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out his cell phone. He had almost left his whole bag on the bus, but had grabbed it last minute. How fortunate that split second decision had been. He has his mementos of his mother in his bag, if he had left it on the bus and it had disappeared forever, he would have never forgiven himself. 

Drumming his fingers anxiously on his thigh, he can’t think of any other solution to his problem. He’s stranded in Sudbury, and has no money to get out west or to get home – back to Toronto, that is. His only option is to call home, and hopefully find a way for Fili to sneak out of the apartment, steal Thorin’s car, and drive the four hours to come and get him. He doesn’t need Thorin to know that he attempted to run away. 

Christ, he can’t even run away properly. Azog is right – he _is_ a fucking embarrassment to the human race. 

Bracing himself, he turns his cell phone on to find that he has six missed calls and twenty-one text messages. He makes a face and doesn’t bother to check his voice mail, he knows what he’ll hear. Instead, Kili finds his brother’s number and presses call. 

“Kili?” Fili’s voice rises so high that it hurts Kili’s ears a little. “Kili, is that you? Where the fuck are you?”

“No, Fee, keep it down,” Kili says quickly. “I’m fine, don’t tell Uncle anything. I need your help, though, I’m in a bit of a bind – ”

“You tried to fucking run away to New West, didn’t you?” Didn’t you!” Fili shouts. “Where are you? You can’t be there yet. Kili Durin, I swear to God – ”

“Keep it down!” Kili hisses. “Where’s Uncle? Are you able to sneak out? I need a ride.”

“Where the fuck are you?” A voice suddenly demands, and Kili nearly drops his phone in surprise. 

“Dwalin, hello,” he says awkwardly, for he _still_ doesn’t know how to talk to Dwalin without feeling uncomfortable. “Can I speak to Fili again, please?”

“I said, where the fuck are you,” Dwalin repeats in a low tone. “We’re coming to get you.”

“No! I’m not going back!” Kili shouts, turning away from the girl at the counter who is peering over at him with renewed interest. “I’m going _home_.”

“This is your home, whether you like it or not,” Dwalin growls. “Where are you? I want you to sit tight until we’re there.”

“Put Fili back on or I’m hanging up and leaving,” Kili threatens. 

Dwalin is suspiciously silent and then suddenly his brother’s voice is flooding the line again. “Keels? Seriously, please don’t move. Tell me where you are. Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? You can’t just disappear!”

“I’m sorry,” Kili whispers, feeling bad to know that he caused his brother to worry. “I asked you to come, though.”

“I didn’t realize you were fucking serious!” Fili says, his voice still raised the way it gets when he’s anxious. “Where are you?”

“At the bus terminal in Sudbury,” Kili admits miserably, and it feels a lot like defeat. 

“Don’t leave,” Fili says fiercely. “Find a seat and sit in it, Kili Durin, or you’ll be extremely sorry.”

“Fine,” Kili says before he hangs up his phone. He eyes the exit but heaves a sigh and settles into his seat to wait.

It’s after midnight by the time Fili bursts through the entrance, looking around wildly. Right behind him is Thorin, and Kili doesn’t believe he has ever seen such a thunderous appearance on his uncle’s face before. Dwalin brings up the rear scowling, but given that he often looks mad, Kili doesn’t find it too concerning. 

Fili spots him first, and Kili stands as he approaches him. The look on Fili’s face chills him to the bone, but he forces himself to stand straight and not be afraid. He has nothing to be ashamed of, he was just trying to get home. 

“Thanks for coming,” he says stiffly.

“Fuck you,” Fili shouts, lifting his hand like he’s about to strike Kili across the face, but instead at the last minute he uses his hand to grab Kili by the collar and haul him into a hug. “Fuck you,” he repeats, holding Kili so close that he can feel the erratic beat of Fili’s heart. He winces at the hug, his bruises still sore, but he can’t bear to pull away. 

“I’m sorry you worried,” he murmurs in his ear. “I was going to call once I was at Ori’s.”

“I was _scared_,” Fili says, pulling back to look at him. “I had no idea where you were. I’m in charge of you now, Mum left me in charge of you.”

“You should have come with me,” Kili says bitterly, because if Fili had come with him, they would still be on the bus towards New West. Fili is far more responsible than Kili is, and would have never been left behind. They’d be closer to home now… why doesn’t Fili want to go home?

“There’s nothing in New West for me anymore,” Fili says, almost like Kili spoke aloud. “As long as I have you, I’ll live anywhere.”

The compliment only has a moment to warm Kili before a hand is clenching around his shoulder and spinning him around. He yelps at the pressure on a bruise as Thorin’s furious face comes into view, and Kili immediately drops his gaze as his courage flees him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Thorin shouts, giving Kili a rough shake. 

He can feel eyes on them, and he knows a second attendant has joined the first at the counter and is watching them. A red flush rises on his face as he mutters, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” Thorin says incredulously, giving him another shake before he shoves him away, and Kili stumbles before he catches his balance. “If you think this is the sort of behavior I’m dealing with for the next two years, you can forget it. I’ll see you in a home before I do this again, do you understand me?”

“Thorin,” Dwalin says sharply, and his uncle falls silent. 

Kili feels like he’s going to be sick, and he doesn’t have a response to that threat. He doesn’t know his uncle well enough to know whether or not he’ll carry through on it, so he just stares resolutely at the tiled floor, swallowing thickly. 

“Don’t say that, Uncle,” Fili says quietly, stepping closer to Kili and he rests a hand against Kili’s back. “He just wanted to go home.”

“His home is with me now,” Thorin says. 

He doesn’t mean to do it, but he starts crying before he can stop himself. He can’t imagine two years of living with Thorin who clearly resents the fact that he has to deal with the pair of them and wants nothing more than the years to pass so he can shuffle them off to somebody else. He will never be able to return to New West now, and there will be no miracle of his mother showing up, smoothing his hair back and telling him that it’s a mistake, it’s all just been a mistake and she’s come to take him home.

“Jesus Christ,” Thorin swears. 

“_Thorin_,” Dwalin snaps again, and Kili can’t stand to be around any of this anymore. 

He bends and grabs his backpack, slinging it over one shoulder and begins to speed walk towards the exit. He can’t handle the judgmental gazes from the attendants, he can’t handle Thorin’s disappointment at being saddled with him, and he can’t handle Fili’s worry anymore. He can hear the three of them fall into place behind him, and they probably think he’s trying to run away again. 

Well, he’s not. He knows when he’s been beat, and right now, leaning against Dwalin’s truck, he knows that he is most soundly beat. 

“Get in the back,” Thorin says, wrenching the door open. 

Kili silently climbs in, crawling across the bench to sit behind Dwalin and he buckles up. He sets his bag at his feet and stares out the window, even as the tears drip down his face. He wishes he could stop crying. Fili gets in beside him, and Thorin slams the doors shut. Once everyone is inside, Dwalin starts the truck with a rumble and pulls out of the bus terminal. 

The sky is black with the night, and Kili’s stomach growls loudly in the tense silence. He wishes he had had a chance to eat his burger. Thorin huffs out a sigh but he doesn’t say anything further, so neither does Kili. _Amoreena_ by Elton John croons softly from the speakers, tugging at Kili’s heart. 

_Oh, if only I could nestle in the cradle of your cabin, my arms around your shoulders; the windows open and wide while the swallow and the sycamore are playing in the valley…_

They get back to the apartment just as the sun is dawning in the pale sky. Thorin doesn’t say anything to them, and so Kili disappears into their bedroom without a further fight. He pulls his pants off but leaves his t-shirt on, he doesn’t need any questions from Fili regarding his bruises. He climbs into Fili’s bed without asking. His brother doesn’t say anything, though. He simply shuts the lights off and curls up around Kili, holding him tightly, even though his tears continue to fall. 

The next morning is Sunday, so they should really be sleeping late considering how late they got home, but at half past nine, Thorin comes into their room and sits down at the end of Fili’s bed, his hand resting on Kili’s ankle above the covers. His eyes are rimmed red, and Kili feels a stab of guilt to know that he had caused Thorin to be so upset. 

“I want you boys both up and dressed,” he says softly. “We’re going to have a family meeting in ten minutes.”

_We’re not a family_, Kili thinks, even as he waits for Thorin to leave before he crawls from the bed and pulls on his pants from yesterday. He waits until Fili is dressed and then follows his brother out to the living room and slouches down on the couch beside him. Dwalin sits on the other side of him, and Thorin sits in the arm chair across from them. 

“Okay boys,” Thorin says, his voice low and even. “We need to discuss why you tried to run away, Kili. Your actions upset the entire house, so we’re going to discuss this altogether.”

“I just wanted to go home,” Kili whispers, unable to meet Thorin’s gaze. “I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I was going to live with Ori.”

“Ori lives with his two older brothers, and I think they have their hands quite full enough,” Thorin says gently. 

“Ori’s so easy to take care of,” Kili argues. “They would have let me stay, they like me well enough.”

“Of course they like you, Kili, but you aren’t their brother. Your place isn’t with them, it’s with me.” Thorin says firmly. “Your mother wanted you to live with me.”

“I can’t fathom why,” Kili mutters, but judging from the thunderous look that appears on Thorin’s face, he hadn’t been quiet enough. 

“Because I am your guardian, that’s why,” Thorin retorts. “For whatever reason, your mother thought I would be the best person to take care of you and your brother in case something happened. Of course, none of us imagined that something would…”

Kili presses tighter against Fili’s side at the mention of their mother. She had a track record of making impulsive, rash decisions, and obviously deciding they should live with Thorin was one of them. Fili sighs beside him and wraps an arm around Kili, securing him tightly against his side. 

“This is obviously going to be a learning curve for everybody,” Fili says calmly. “I know you’re frustrated, Uncle, but you have to remember that it hasn’t been that long for us. It hasn’t even been a month. Not only did we lose our only parent, but we moved half-way across the country. We’ve lost our mother, our home, and our friends.”

Thorin is shamed into silence, and he lowers his eyes. Kili curls closer in gratefulness for his brother having the ability to put things into words that Kili often can’t. Dwalin stirs beside him, and Kili feels a hand suddenly squeeze his shoulder before retreating. It’s odd to have Dwalin attempt to comfort them, but Kili appreciates his efforts. It’s more than Thorin is capable of, at any rate. 

“You’re right, Fili,” Thorin finally says, and he looks up, meeting Kili’s gaze. “I’m sorry that I got so angry with you. I was very scared, I didn’t know where you were. I shouldn’t have reacted so harshly though, and so I apologize. I know we aren’t as close as I’d like us to be, but I hope you know that I love you, Kili.”

“It’s okay,” Kili mumbles. “I should have left a note or something. I didn’t mean to scare anyone; I just wanted to go home. I don’t like it here.”

“What can we do to make you like it?” Dwalin asks. “I know it will never be New West, but perhaps there is something we can do to make it feel more like home for you.”

“The room is so small,” Kili says hesitantly, deciding to start with the smaller issues before he tackles the bigger one of a different school. “I need my own space, I just need a quiet corner that’s mine and I don’t get that here.”

“We’ll find another apartment,” Thorin agrees, nodding his head. “We need to anyway, if I have to listen to Dwalin snore one more time, I’m liable to shove my pillow down his throat.”

“You’re no sleeping beauty either,” Dwalin protests. “If you could keep your drool in your mouth where it belongs, I’d sleep a lot more peacefully and probably snore less!”

“I don’t drool!” Thorin argues. 

Kili can’t help but snicker a little, and both Dwalin and Thorin look pleased at the noise. Fili loosens his hold on Kili a bit, and Kili feels himself beginning to relax. He doesn’t think Thorin is going to yell at him anymore, at least not until he admits he stole the money from him. 

“Okay, so we’ll get a new apartment,” Thorin continues. “However, we can’t afford a four bedroom, but we can get a three bedroom one. Fili is done school in less than a year, so you’ll have to continue sharing until then.”

“I can clear out of the room whenever you need me to,” Fili offers. “I can do my homework in the living room.”

“What else can we do?” Dwalin asks. 

“I hate my school,” Kili says, forcing himself to breathe evenly. “A kid there doesn’t like me, and he makes my life living hell.”

“What do you mean he makes your life a living hell?” Thorin frowns. “Are you being bullied, Kili?”

Kili swallows hard and nods his head, feeling embarrassed. He doubts Thorin or Dwalin ever got bullied in school, especially not with the size of Dwalin’s arms. He wishes that he had more strength to defend himself. His mother had told him often that eventually he’d grow into himself, but it has yet to happen. 

“Have you spoken to a teacher about it?” Thorin presses. 

“The principal doesn’t believe me,” Kili mutters. “He says I start the fights, even though I don’t. He says they’re all about acceptance there, he has no idea how the kids actually act.”

“I had no idea,” Fili says, frowning at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You seemed so happy,” Kili says, and he looks away to stare at the wall where the chip is peeling in the corner. “You’re making friends and settling in here, and I didn’t want to make you worry about something you couldn’t change.”

“What do they say to you?” Thorin demands. “I’m going to be speaking to the principal and I want to be able to tell him exactly what is said.”

Kili shakes his head furiously, because he’s not going to admit to Thorin that the bullies know more about him than he does. He doesn’t want Thorin’s opinion on his sexuality, because he has no idea how accepting Thorin will be. He never even told his mother, and it seems wrong to confide something in Thorin that he never told his mum. 

“It’s more physical than words,” he says, because it’s not a full lie. He stands from the couch and silently lifts his shirt so Thorin can see the bruises that mar his skin. 

“Jesus Christ,” Dwalin mutters from beside him. 

“Kili!” Fili gasps, instantly laying his hands on the skin that isn’t marked, and when he meets his brother’s eyes, he’s shocked to see how close to tears Fili is. “Promise me that you will tell me if this ever happens again!”

“I will be speaking to your principal about this,” Thorin says, and he stands up to pull Kili’s shirt down. “If this continues, please talk to me. I can’t homeschool you, but I will exhaust all other measures than I can, Kili. You deserve a safe education.”

“Thank you,” Kili says, sitting back down beside Fili. 

“So a new apartment and hopefully an attitude change at school will be enough to keep you happy?” Thorin asks cautiously. “I’m not going to come home in a panic again because you’re missing?”

“Kili always runs when he’s scared,” Fili says. “He’s been doing it since he could walk, Mum always said.”

“I don’t mean to.” Kili shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t like fighting, though, and I’d rather get out before the shouting starts. It’s just instinct. I’ll try not to run anymore, though.”

“Kili…”

“I won’t run away on such a big scale again,” Kili amends, because that seems a lot more realistic than promising to never run again. “I mean, I might still take off and roam the neighborhood for a bit while I cool down, but I won’t try to go back to New West.”

“Okay, thank you,” Thorin sighs in relief. “I’ll get started on seriously finding us a new apartment today, and hopefully we can be moved shortly. Of course, we’ve lost our damage deposit now thanks to that bloody bathroom door…”

Kili winces, since that had been his fault. He takes a deep breath before he looks at Thorin straight on. “I also need to tell you something,” he says. “I stole the money from your work envelope to buy the bus ticket. I owe you almost four hundred dollars.”

There’s silence in the room before Thorin finally says, “I know, Kili. I already know. I figured that would be the only place you’d be able to get the money.”

“I’m sorry,” Kili says, feeling ashamed of his actions. After everything Thorin has done for them, this is how he repays him. He knows that Thorin struggles financially as it is, it’s not cheap to live in downtown Toronto plus pay for two teenagers. “I’ll pay you back somehow.”

“I know you will,” Thorin says, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not worried about that.”

Kili grimaces, and figures that he probably won’t see any pocket money until he’s thirty. However, he can’t find it in himself to be upset, considering he stole from Thorin. It’s more than he deserves, really. 

“Good talk,” Thorin says, stepping over to lay his hand against the crown of Kili’s head, and he smiles down at him. Then he steps away and disappears into the kitchen, where Kili can hear dishes rattling in the sink. Fili wiggles his way off the couch and disappears back into their shoebox bedroom, citing that he needs more sleep than three hours. 

Kili remains on the couch, but turns his head to look up at Dwalin. “Suppose you’re mad at me too,” he says. If there should be anyone’s anger to fear, it should probably be Dwalin’s, considering the amount of damage he could do if he put his mind to it. 

“I’m not mad at you in the slightest, because I can completely understand why you did it.” Dwalin shrugs his broad shoulders. “If I was in your shoes, I probably would have done it too. I just wish I had the hindsight to know you were gonna run, because it makes sense. I won’t lie, though, I was pretty scared as well.”

“I didn’t mean to scare anyone,” Kili says with a sigh. “I just wanted to go home and see Ori.”

“Why don’t we see if this Ori character can come for a visit this fall, maybe for Thanksgiving or something?” Dwalin suggests. “That’d be nice, hey?”

“Dwalin! That would be a genius idea!” Kili lunges to his feet and beams down at him. “Thank you! That’s a terrific suggestion. Thank you, honestly.”

Dwalin smiles back up at him, and suddenly, he doesn’t seem quite so scary anymore. Somehow, all of Toronto doesn’t seem quite that bad anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

*** Two years later ***

The sun hangs high and humid in the summer sky, and Kili leans back against a brick wall to inhale from his cigarette. He holds the smoke in for a beat before he slowly blows it out in careful rings, directly into his brother’s face. Fili makes a face and waves his hand through the rings to brush them away, dissolving them into nothing.

“I wish you’d stop smoking,” he grumbles. “Contrary to what you believe, you don’t look cool.”

Kili rolls his eyes and counters, “I wish you weren’t going to college. I don’t see why you can’t stay home another year and work, it’d mean less of a loan to take out.”

“I’ve already been accepted,” Fili says, jamming his fists into the pockets of his jeans. 

“You could be accepted next year too,” Kili points out, shrugging his shoulders and taking another drag, but this one he blows away from Fili. “And then I could go with you.”

“You don’t want to go to York University,” Fili snorts and shakes his head. “You’d make a terrible lawyer, Keels.”

“Who cares,” Kili says, reaching out to play with the end of one of Fili’s braids. He hadn’t been the only one to grow his hair long since their mum died. “At least we’d be together, even if I would fail.”

“Trust me, you’d care,” Fili says, rearing his head back out of Kili’s reach. “I’m going to get these cut off tomorrow.”

Kili’s jaw drops in surprise. “What the fuck are you doing that for?” He exclaims, lunging forward to yank on one. 

Fili winces and swats his hand away. “If I’m going to be a lawyer, then I should at least try to look a little professional,” he says. “It’s not a big deal. I’m not going to miss them, it’ll take me so much less time getting ready in the morning.”

“I’ll miss them!”

“Then don’t cut yours off,” Fili says, unperturbed. “Seems simple enough, idiot.”

Kili scowls at him and sucks back another drag forcefully. He doesn’t understand why Fili even wants to go to university without him. They’ve done everything together, why should things change now? Thorin is always busy with work, and Dwalin pays them the least amount of attention he has to. Fili is really all he has. 

“Come on, don’t be sad,” Fili says, knocking the cigarette out of his hand and he grinds his heel against it so it smears black against the pavement. “I’ll come home once a month and we’ll hang out the entire time, I promise.”

“Not the same,” Kili says quietly. Once a month can’t even begin to compare spending almost every waking moment together, and Fili ought to know that. 

It’s almost been two years since their mother died, and Kili still suffers from nightmares about the accident. Fili is always the one to wake him, probably so his shouting doesn’t wake Thorin or Dwalin. Who is going to do that for him now? Fili doesn’t go to school with him anymore since he’s graduated, but he’s always had time to listen to Kili talk about his problems with Azog and figure how solutions on how to avoid getting further beat up. When Thorin gets stressed and starts a fight about what a dump the apartment is, who’s going to help deflect the attention from Kili? Certainly won’t be Dwalin, the very idea is laughable. 

For as long as he can remember, it’s always been Fili and Kili. He doesn’t know how to be just Kili. 

“This will be good for us,” Fili says, because of course he can sense what Kili is feeling, he learned to read him years ago when they were just babies. 

“If you say so,” Kili huffs, aiming for indifferent, but he knows it falls short and Fili sees right through him. He gets an elbow in his side for his trouble, and he yelps, leaping away from the brick wall and from Fili. “Hey, be careful! My rib’s still sore from last week’s run-in with Azog.”

Fili’s mouth pinches at that, but he doesn’t comment on it. He’s learned to just listen to Kili tell him about it without over-reacting anymore, because it never helps and it never changes anything. Azog is still going to push him into lockers once a week, and there’s nothing Fili can do to stop it. Bringing it to light just embarrasses Kili. 

“I bet if you’re on your best behavior, Uncle will let you come visit me for a weekend,” Fili finally says. “You could hang out in my dorm room with me, and we could pretend you go there, too.”

Kili brightens at the thought. While he doesn’t really think that university is for him, judging from his high school experiences, it would be fun to hang out with Fili without nosy Dwalin or Thorin seeing what they’re up to. He’s also pretty sure he could get laid there. To Kili, who has only ever experienced a drunken kiss from Nori, it’s a very enticing idea. 

“That would be fun,” he says, reaching into his back pocket for his pack of cigs. He pulls one out and lights it up, purposefully blowing it straight into Fili’s face with a mischievous smirk. “Come on, you should skip work and let’s go to the theatre,” he says, feeling marginally better about life. “I’ll treat.”

“Yeah, okay,” Fili agrees readily, and they set off down the street together.

***

Two nights later, he lies awake for most of the night. The times he does slip into sleep, he’s tangled in a web of nightmares – bright headlights careening towards them, the squeal of brakes, and the sound of his mother gasping even as she reaches back with one arm to try and protect them. He wakes periodically, his skin sweaty and his breath rapid. After the third nightmare, he finally lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling, waiting for dawn.

It’s always easier in the daytime, it always hurts a little less when the sun is out. 

Finally, at four in the morning, he rolls over and punches his pillow to plump it up, shifting to get comfortable. His sweaty sheets have cooled, and now they’re damp and itchy against his skin. He can still hear his mother’s piercing scream before it’s cut off too soon. A low moan slips past his lips, and he knuckles his eyes, wiping the grit and the sweat from them. 

The anniversary of his mother’s death is never easy. 

“Jesus,” comes a groan from across the room. “Go to sleep, _please_. You’re driving me nuts.”

Kili scowls into the darkness and shifts again, rolling over to face the room. “I’m trying, but it’s tough.”

“Lie there quietly then, or at least go lay on the couch.”

“Don’t you know – ”

“I get it,” Fili interrupts him, his voice heavy with sleep and irritation. “However, it’s past four in the morning and I’ve got to work tomorrow. I only have a couple days left before I go, and I can’t afford to call in sick because you kept me up all night. I know it’s tough, and I’ll be sad with you in the morning, okay?”

Kili swallows, feeling stung. He knows that between the pair of them, he’s always expressed his emotions more freely than his brother, but surely even something like the second anniversary of their mother’s death would warrant some sympathy from Fili. He grabs his pillow and blanket and drags them from his bed, shutting the door behind himself and pads down the short hallway to the living room. 

Dwalin’s bedroom door is firmly closed, but Thorin’s is wide open. He sticks his head inside, and in the stream of the moonlight through the tiny window, he sees his uncle laying on his back, his mouth open in a snore. Kili carefully pulls the door shut so he doesn’t wake him and continues to the living room, flopping down on the couch. 

He doesn’t know how long he has laid there, watching sitcoms from the seventies when he hears the creak of a door and footsteps shuffling behind him. Weight is lowered down on the couch, and Kili automatically tucks his feet up against his chest to make room. 

“Can’t sleep?”

Kili starts, surprised at the voice. He had been expecting Fili, coming to make amends for his harsh tone, or perhaps even his uncle who has always been a light sleeper and might have heard the click as Kili shut his door. He hadn’t expected Dwalin, though. 

“Couple nightmares,” he admits quietly, turning to look at the older man. Dwalin’s dressed in a rumpled t-shirt and a pair of boxers, his beard disheveled. He’s holding a glass of water, and Kili sits up to reach for it, drinking the tepid water down before he passes the glass back. 

Dwalin huffs out a laugh and sets the glass down on the coffee table before he resumes his slouched position on the couch. His hand moves to rest against Kili’s bare ankle, and his touch is warm. His voice is low and kinder than Kili thinks he may have ever heard it before, save the funeral day. “I’m not going to pretend to understand what you’re going through,” he says. “My parents are still alive, and I get to see them every now and then if I go back home. However, sometimes grief desires to be alone, and sometimes it desires company. I can go back to bed, if you’d like, or we can watch the rest of Mary Tyler Moore together.”

“Together,” is Kili’s quick reply. Soon Fili will be gone to school, and Kili will be alone in life. He will accept the company when it’s offered to him. 

Dwalin settles on to the couch more comfortably, but he doesn’t take his hand off of Kili’s ankle. In turn, Kili loosens his hold on his blanket so that Dwalin is able to pull the corner of it over his broad lap for warmth, although the apartment is plenty warm. Kili lays back down and hugs his pillow, watching the screen until it grows blurry and the darkness seeps back in. 

When he wakes, the first thing he senses is that a hand is gently carding through his hair, curling around the tips before moving back up to start all over again. He blinks his eyes open and rolls over on to his bed, looking up at Dwalin, who is speaking to Thorin. Kili’s head is nestled on Dwalin’s thigh, the blankets tucked securely around him and the room is flooded in light – dawn is more than here. 

“Sorry,” Kili murmurs, feeling embarrassed at the fact that he’s practically _cuddling_ Dwalin in his sleep. He sits up slowly, and Dwalin’s hand drops from his hand to give his shoulder a brief squeeze before retreating altogether. He’s not entirely sure how he got turned around on the couch, but he’s not going to complain too loudly – Dwalin had been a comfortable pillow. Not that he’d _ever_ say that to Dwalin, of course. 

“You’re awake,” Thorin says, and Kili can hear the relief in his voice. “How did you sleep?”

_And I would have liked to have known you, but I was just a kid; your candle burned out long before your legend ever did…_ croons out from the crackly Bluetooth speaker that sits on a shelf above the arm chair. It’s a fitting song for a day such as this, and Kili’s heart clenches in his chest. 

“All right, I guess,” Kili says, although he still feels crusty-eyed and tired. “What time is it?”

“Just after ten,” Thorin says, leaning forward to brush Kili’s hair out of his eyes. “Dwalin said to let you sleep.”

“I was up most of the night,” Kili admits, and he ducks his head away from Thorin’s touch so he can wipe the sleep from his eyes. “Where’s Fee?”

“Your brother went out for breakfast with his friends,” Thorin says, and he nods his head towards the kitchen. “I have pancakes still warm for you, if you’re hungry.”

“Fili went _out_?” Kili exclaims, feeling outraged. A hot flame simmers low in his belly, and he tries to tamp it down. “How could he have gone out? We were supposed to… hang out.”

“He just went for breakfast,” Thorin says, and Kili would recognize that tone anywhere. Thorin is trying to placate him, because he senses that Kili is on the verge of a temper tantrum. “He said he’d come back in a bit, and you were still sleeping. I thought it would be fine, so I encouraged him to go. It’s okay, Kili.”

“It’s _not_ okay,” Kili says, fighting to keep his voice lowered. He doesn’t have to have a temper tantrum, but it’s hard when he’s feeling so angry, and hurt, and sad. Why would Fili choose to go out with his friends on today of all days? It was the second anniversary, it’s not like it’s been years and it’s something they barely acknowledge anymore. No, the wound is still fresh, gaping wide in Kili’s chest and he’s still bleeding. 

“Kili – ”

“I’m not hungry,” Kili says, standing up from the couch and he drags his blanket off, wrapping it around his form. “I’ll be in my room.”

“Don’t shut yourself in,” Thorin says, his face drawn. “It’s a hard day, and I’m… sad, too. If you want, we could… hang out, or – ”

“Oh my god, no!” Kili says, horrified that Thorin thins for a moment that he knows what it’s like. Thorin’s mother had died when Thorin himself was a baby – he never knew her, and he certainly never knew the loss of having her taken away when he still needed her, when he still recognized that he needed her. “You’re not an orphan! You don’t understand this!”

“She is my sister,” Thorin says. “I’m allowed to be upset!”

“She is my _mother_,” Kili shouts, before he realizes that he’s using the wrong tense, and that makes him even more upset. Tears are stinging his eyes and his chest is so tight that he can barely breathe. “She _was_ my mother. Was, as in the past now, because she’s dead and you will never know what it’s like to know that your mother died right beside you while you did _nothing_ to stop it!”

“There was nothing you could have done,” Thorin says, reaching for him. “Kili, please believe me when I say that. I’m sorry, though. I know she was your mother, and I didn’t mean that my pain was greater than yours.”

“You never mean to do the wrong thing, but you always do!” Kili says, the hot words spewing out of him like lava, and he’s helpless to stop. “You took me away from my friends, and all the people that cared about me. You brought me here, to live with you, and Dwalin, and neither of you even like me!”

“How can you even say that?” Thorin stares at him. “After everything I have done for you the past two years, how can you even say that, Kili? I gave up my entire life for you.”

“You’re always reminding me of that! I’m so sorry that you had to give up what I’m sure was such a _cool_ life to take on us,” Kili says, wishing he could just stop talking. They’ve dealt with this issue, they dealt with it two years ago after Kili tried to run away! He has no business bringing it back up and throwing it in Thorin’s face, but he just can’t seem to stop. 

“My life was hardly cool,” Thorin says, shaking his head. “I was… happy to take you boys, I knew I had to. I refused to let you go into the system!”

He knows that Thorin loves them, but everything he says still feels a lot like obligation, and in his teenage grief, it rubs him raw and he turns away from Thorin, unable to stand the sight of him anymore. “I need Fili,” he says, and to his complete chagrin, the tears he had been so successfully holding back break free. 

“Kili…”

The snot begins to drip out of the end of his nose and he tries to sniff it back in. “He understands what I mean. He always knows what I’m feeling, even when I don’t. He gets it, because he’s always been here with me, and now he’s leaving. He’s going to be gone, and I’m going to be alone.”

He barely feels the arms that go around him, but he would recognize the scent of Dwalin’s cologne any day. He leans against the older man’s chest and takes the comfort that is offered to him. He wishes he’d stop crying though. The last time he cried in front of Thorin and Dwalin had been the first Christmas together without Dis, even on the first anniversary he hadn’t cried. 

No, he had spent that day completely silent and withdrawn, laying on his bed and holding Fili while Fili was the one that cried his heart out. 

There’s the sound of the front door closing, and distantly he can hear his brother’s voice say, “What’s going on? What happened?”

“He’s just having a bad day,” Thorin replies. 

Kili appreciates the fact that Thorin doesn’t immediately tell Fili the awful things that Kili said. Now that he’s calmed down slightly, he feels marginally bad for everything he said. Thorin gets so much wrong, but he really does try. He’s worked hard over the past two years to make the apartment feel like a home, and to make Kili feel like he belongs. 

The fact that he doesn’t probably says more about Kili than it does about Thorin. 

“Hey, Keels,” Fili murmurs, right beside him, and Dwalin passes him gently over so Fili’s familiar arms can wrap around him. “Everything okay?”

“I can’t believe you went out with your friends,” Kili says, wiping his nose on Fili’s t-shirt and he doesn’t even feel remotely bad about the snot that he leaves behind there. “On all the days for you to go out…”

“I thought I’d be back before you woke up,” Fili says apologetically, and he’s rubbing his palm between Kili’s shoulder blades in a slow, soothing manner. It feels a lot like how their mum used to do it. “I wanted to see them before I leave for school.”

“Come sit down at the kitchen table, Kili,” Thorin says, gently guiding him over to the rickety wooden table that’s crammed up against a wall and passes for the table, although they rarely eat at it. If anything, it just collects junk while they sit in front of the TV to eat their dinners. “Do you still want some pancakes?”

“Yes,” Kili says, feeling slightly better already. It’s a rare day when Thorin indulges him so nicely like this. 

“Fili, clear the table for your brother. I’ll grab a plate for you,” Thorin says, and disappears into the kitchen. 

Fili shoves all the mail and everything else piled on to the table into a corner so that there’s room for Kili’s food, and then he sits down beside him. He rests his feet against the bottom rung of Kili’s chair, and leans his elbows on the table. Out of the corner of his eye, Kili can see Dwalin sitting back down in the arm chair. He turns his attention back to his brother and leans his head against Fili’s bicep, his skin still hot from the August heat. 

“Do you have to really go to school?” He whispers, hoping that Dwalin won’t hear him, but he can tell immediately that’s not the case when Dwalin’s bushy eyebrows raise but he remains silent all the same. 

“We’re not really having this discussion again, are we?” Fili groans. 

“No,” Kili says quickly, even though he actually means yes. He’ll continue this conversation until Fili realizes that he shouldn’t go and remains home with Kili where he belongs. He knows his brother had already put university off for a year to work and earn money, so what’s one more year, really?

“Pancakes!” Thorin says cheerfully, setting a plate down in front of Kili. It has three pancakes on it, drowning in syrup the way he likes it. He knows Thorin must be feeling sorry for him indeed, for he normally limits the amount of sugar Kili can consume. 

“Eat your breakfast, and then maybe we can go buy some flowers or something nice in memorial of Mum,” Fili says, nudging Kili into a proper sitting position so he can eat his food better. “We could go to the park, or whatever you’d like.”

“I wish she was buried here,” Kili grumbles, hacking a piece of pancake off with the edge of his fork and he spears it violently before he shoves it into his mouth. “I wish we could go visit her actual grave.”

“That was a poor decision on my part,” Thorin admits from his place on the couch. “I didn’t have the money to fly her body here, and I thought it be important that she be buried with her grandparents.”

“I still wish she was here,” Kili says, wiping syrup off his chin when he catches Dwalin rolling his eyes at him. “I mean like, alive and here. She’d probably make me cut my hair.”

“Definitely she would,” Fili says, reaching over to ruffle Kili’s hair. “I like it long, though.”

“Me too,” Dwalin says. “It looks good on you.”

“Fili’s cutting his hair today,” Kili says, eyeing his brother’s long, golden longs. He had always wished his hair was blond too, instead of the pitch black that it was. Fili was the only one who had gotten any resemblance of their father. 

“It’s about damn time,” Thorin grumbles. “I’d give you both buzz cuts if I could.”

“Well, you can’t,” Kili says, feeling protective of his hair. He loves wearing it long, and braiding small sections of it and finding neat little beads at stores to put in it. His hair is really the only distinctive feature he’s got for himself. 

“I wish Mum was alive so she could have seen me being accepted in York University,” Fili says quietly. “She always talked about us going to a good school, but neither of us thought I’d ever become a lawyer. I think she’d be really proud of me.”

“She would be proud of you both,” Thorin says fiercely, and something warm blooms inside Kili’s chest. “And so am I.”

***

“Absolutely not,” Kili says stubbornly three days later, folding his arms across his chest and he looks away from Thorin, jutting his jaw out. “You guys can go.”

Thorin heaves a sigh and pinches the bridge of nose. Kili always sees him doing that, but he has yet to figure out why he does it. He sits down gingerly on the edge of Kili’s bed and clears his throat. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on,” Kili says, picking at a hole in the knee of his jeans until Thorin grabs his hand stills it. They’re relatively new jeans, and they can’t afford to have Kili destroying them before the school year has even begun. 

“Then I would like for you to come with us. This is a really exciting day for Fili, and I bet he would appreciate your support,” Thorin says. “I took the whole day off from work, so we can make a day of it. Perhaps we could do some shopping.”

Thorin’s driving Fili the hour drive up north to York University so he can finally begin his secondary education. The day has loomed over Kili’s head for weeks now, maybe even months, and now that it’s actually here, he’d like nothing more than to lie in his bed and pretend that it’s not happening. 

“I’ve already got plans with friends,” he says. “You’re going to be gone practically all day, and it’s my last Saturday before school begins. I’m not going to waste it on _Fili_.”

“Kili,” Thorin reprimands sternly. “Don’t say such things. You should come, you’re not going to have very many opportunities to see him. He probably won’t be home now until Thanksgiving, since he will want the first month to settle in.”

“Thanks, _Thorin_,” Kili snaps, his mouth pinching and dropping the usual respectful term of uncle that he normally uses with Thorin. He knows that he won’t see his brother very often, why does Thorin have to remind him of that? “That just made me feel _loads_ better.”

“Look, I understand that you’re upset,” Thorin says. “However, that doesn’t mean you get to act like this.”

“Why the hell do you even care?” Kili jumps off the bed and grabs his leather jacket, shoving it on. He glares at Thorin, emotions swirling around inside his chest. He feels so upset at how unfair it is, and how he knows he’s being unreasonable, but he just can’t seem to stop himself. Whenever he gets so confused like this, anger always seems like the easiest emotion to settle on, because that one at least makes sense. 

“Of course I care,” Thorin says, rising to his feet and he reaches out to Kili with one hand. 

Kili pulls back, because he can’t stand it when Thorin tries to show him kindness when he’s like this, he’d rather Thorin yell because then at least Kili would have a reason to be so upset, and wouldn’t feel so bad. “You never give a shit about me. It’s always about _Fili_, your real favourite! You probably wish that it was me leaving, instead of him. You hate that you’re fucking stuck with me.”

“Kili!” Thorin exclaims, shock rippling over his face before it disappears and anger settles in its place. This is more familiar to Kili, now. “I can’t believe you would say such things, knowing how untrue they are. I gave up my entire life for you both. Do you think that was easy for me?”

“Remind me once more how much you hate being saddled with me!” Kili shouts, storming from his room and he slams the bedroom door behind himself. He heads for the front door like he typically does, because he needs to get _away_ from everything. 

“Hey!” Dwalin bellows from the kitchen, stepping out to lay a thick arm across the front door and blocking Kili’s way out. “Where do you think you’re going with that kind of attitude?”

“None of your business,” Kili says sullenly, because he doesn’t have the courage to yell at Dwalin. “Move, I need to go.”

“When you shout at your uncle like that it becomes my business,” Dwalin says without budging an inch. “Go apologize to him.”

“Fuck that!” Kili exclaims. His face feels hot, and he knows that it’s probably flushed. He wishes that stupid Dwalin would just move already. His eyes are beginning to sting, and he’s not going to cry for a second time this week. “Just let me out, Jesus.”

“Stop swearing, you ungrateful little prick.”

Kili’s jaw drops open in surprise, because for all the times that Dwalin ever gave them shit, he was usually hesitant about it and stuck to being pretty nice overall. “You can’t call me that!”

“I can do what I want,” Dwalin snorts, and then he steps closer and leans down, getting right into Kili’s face. “You have no business running out there with this kind of anger. Go cool down, apologize to Thorin, and then you can go.”

His breath smells like spearmint gum.

“Dwalin – ”

“You don’t have to go with Thorin and Fili if you don’t want to,” Dwalin says, and his voice is a lot kinder this time. “However, I need you to apologize to your uncle and cool off. You can meet your friends later.”

Kili scowls, but he nods his head. Fighting with Dwalin won’t get him anymore, and he doubts that he could make it past the older man anyway. He trudges back to his bedroom, Thorin stepping out just as he reaches the door. Kili quickly looks away, beginning to feel ashamed once more of everything he had said. He wishes that he could properly express to Thorin that it hurts to have Fili leave, even if he knows his brother is excited. 

He feels like he’s going to be completely alone, though, even if he knows that’s not the case. Dwalin and Thorin don’t love Kili the way Fili does, though. First his mother left him, and now his brother. What will happen to him if Thorin decides to go somewhere else, too? 

What if Thorin decides that Kili isn’t worth it anymore, that his attitude and all the unfair things he says are too much and he packs up and – his breath comes in short gasps, and he shudders when he feels Thorin’s hand grip his shoulder. 

“Breathe, Kili,” Thorin instructs quietly. “Breathe in deep for four counts, and hold it for eight. Release for four, come on. Do it for me now.”

Kili inhales and holds it beyond eight counts, he holds it until his chest begins to burn and then he exhales sharply in a whoosh. “I’m sorry,” he grits out, avoiding Thorin’s eyes and staring studiously at the floor. His hair falls into his face; he needs to braid it again, but lately Fili has been braiding it in this new, intricate way that he found on Youtube. Kili has tried to copy it, but he just can’t seem to get the hang of it and now his hair will never look the same again because Fili’s _leaving_ – 

“Oh, my lad,” Thorin says tenderly, drawing Kili close against his chest. 

Kili can remember every single time that Thorin has initiated physical contact with him, because it’s not something that happens very often. He wants to remain stiff as a board so Thorin knows that his forgiveness can’t be bought with a hug, before he remembers just who is at fault here, and he sinks against Thorin’s chest. “I want to go, too,” he says, his voice muffled against Thorin’s navy flannel shirt. 

“You can come, I told you this,” Thorin says, and his voice rumbles. “I’d like it if you did.”

“No, I mean, I want to go permanently with Fili,” Kili clarifies. “I’m seventeen, that’s old enough.”

“You have a year left of school,” Thorin reminds him, giving him another squeeze before he releases him and steps back. “Your time for university will come soon enough.”

Kili snorts at that, because there’s being kind and then there’s just lying. He knows that he doesn’t have the brains for university. “I don’t even want to go to uni,” he admits. “I just want to hang out with Fili. Why do things have to change?”

“That’s life,” Dwalin suddenly says from behind them, and Kili jumps, banging his elbow against the wall. He had forgotten about the older man. 

The pain in his funny bone renews his anger, and he glares at Dwalin. “That’s life? That’s _bullshit_. So what, it was just life for my mum to up and die and leave me?” He spits out bitterly. “Now it’s Fili’s turn to leave.”

“I didn’t mean…” Dwalin trails off awkwardly, and Kili feels a flare of satisfaction. 

“That’s enough, Kili Durin,” Thorin says sharply. “Don’t you ever say such a thing again.”

“It’s true!” Kili argues hotly, turning his glare to Thorin. 

“No, it’s really not, and if you had even a lick of sense, you’d know that,” Thorin snaps. “It’s disrespectful to say your mother left you – she had no say in the matter. If it was up to her, she would still be here. Don’t you ever compare your mother’s untimely death to Fili going to university. This is a great thing for him, and we don’t need you ruining it!”

He’s done with this. He can’t handle this anymore, not unless he’s going to say things he really doesn’t mean, and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to easy come back from such things. No, the better option is to leave, whether Dwalin likes it or not. 

“That’s me,” he says thickly, backing away from Thorin, his eyes growing wetter by the moment and his heart growing colder. “Kili Durin, the fag, always ruining things!”

He spins and ducks under Dwalin’s arm so he’s able to throw open the front door and dart out. The door slams as it hits the wall, and Kili clatters down the three flights of stairs until he can burst outside into the sunny, humid August weather. From there, he takes off down the street and runs until he gets a stitch in his side. Thorin will be absolutely pissed now that he admitted to _that_, and Kili has little desire to stick around and see the disappointment on everyone’s faces. 

No, it’s always easier if he leaves first.

***

“Jesus,” Thorin mutters, taking a step forward in the direction Kili had left. He pauses though, and falls silent.

Dwalin keeps his own silence and goes to shut the front door so their next door neighbor doesn’t come banging out of his own place to lecture them again about yelling. Dwalin doesn’t have anything against Bilbo, but he’s awfully tetchy for a neighbor and always says their shouting isn’t good for his plants. For reasons he can’t fathom, Bilbo seems to amuse Thorin, more than annoy him. It’s probably pointless, since he’s sure that Bilbo heard every word, but he’s careful to shut the door anyway. 

When Kili and Thorin fight, their voices tend to rise until Dwalin is sure that the whole building has heard them have a go at each other. 

“Satisfied?” He finally says, breaking the silence. 

“Why do you say that?” Thorin frowns and folds his arms across his chest. “Do you actually think that in this situation, _I’m_ in the wrong?”

“No, I don’t think you were wrong, just tactless,” Dwalin says, reaching up to scratch at his shaved head. “The kid is hurting, Thorin. You’ve got to be nice to him.”

“Being gentle and coddling him doesn’t seem to be working,” Thorin bites out. “With Fili – ”

“Kili isn’t Fili, you daft fool,” Dwalin interrupts. “You can’t treat them the same, because they’re not. Fili has always been more mature than his age, he’s got a solid head on his shoulders and he’s more even keeled. He handles things better, you can reason with him and he’ll see your point, even if he doesn’t like it. Kili… well, he’s not like that, he’s more emotional.”

“I can’t baby him forever,” Thorin says. “It’s been two years, he’s got to stop acting out sometime. I can’t handle this bad attitude any longer.”

“He’s not acting out, he’s still grieving,” Dwalin says. Sure it’s been two years, but Kili had been fifteen when he lost his mother, and now his brother is moving away. Of course he’s bound to be upset and resort back to the angry teenager that had first come to live with them. Dwalin has lived with Kili enough to know that he’s wickedly funny and smart, and always has plenty of smiles. They’ll get that Kili back, he’s sure, but right now they can’t expect him to be happy when he doesn’t feel happy. 

For being a clever accountant and intelligent with numbers, Thorin is awfully slow with the other things in life that really matter, like social interaction. 

“It’s been two years,” Thorin repeats. 

“That hardly matters,” Dwalin huffs. “He hasn’t fully accepted that Dis is gone, that much is obvious. And now that Fili is leaving, he probably thinks it’s a personal betrayal.”

“It’s not supposed to be,” Fili says, coming out of the bathroom rubbing a towel behind his head to catch the remaining droplets of water from his shower. “I tried to tell him it’s healthy for us.”

“Of course it’s healthy,” Dwalin says. “I’m glad you’re friends with your brother, I didn’t get along with Balin until I was already in my twenties, and even now sometimes we butt heads. It’s good to see you two get along. But yeah, you need to discover who _you_ are without your kid brother hovering over your shoulder. And in the same beat, Kili needs to learn how to stand on his own.”

“Why did he call himself a fag?” Thorin wonders, his face pinched in puzzlement. “I don’t get it, that’s not very politically correct.”

“Some kid gives Kili a hard time at school,” Fili explains. “He doesn’t like it that Kili is… well, you know.”

“Know what?”

Dwalin looks at Fili hard enough to catch his attention, and at the confused look that Fili gives him, Dwalin gives a short jerk of his head. It’s not Fili’s right to tell Thorin anything, not if Kili hasn’t. It’s obvious enough to Dwalin, and has been for years, but he’s still not going to say anything. He knows what it’s like to not be ready to accept that part of yourself, and he would have been furious and mortified if Balin had gone around telling people before he did. 

“Oh, nothing,” Fili says, catching on because he really is a smart kid. “Kili will be fine. He’s got some friends at school, and it’s only a year, not even. It’ll go by fast enough. Right now he wants to come to York, but I’m betting by then he’ll change his mind.”

“I hope so,” Thorin says fervently. “Kili doesn’t have the personality of a lawyer.” He gives a sigh and shakes his head, disappearing into his bedroom to resume getting ready since he leaves shortly with Fili. 

Dwalin waits until he’s far enough gone before he reaches out and grabs Fili by the scruff of his neck and drags him into the kitchen. The apartment is too small for any real privacy, but the kitchen is as far away from Thorin’s bedroom as they can get. Fili, who is used to Dwalin’s antics by this point, simply follows without a fight. 

“What?” He says once Dwalin has released him, adjusting his t-shirt. 

“It’s not Thorin’s business about Kili, nor it is yours,” he says quietly, not wanting to attract Thorin’s attention. “It’s Kili’s truth to tell.”

“I know. I didn’t think it’d be a big deal,” Fili frowns, scrubbing his freshly shorn head. It’s still odd to Dwalin to see the lack of blond hair and instead just see the spikes he’s styled it in now. “I want Thorin to understand just how much grief Kili gets at school. He’s still getting pushed into lockers, or whatever. I’ve always been there to ward it off, but now that I’m leaving and won’t even be there to pick him up after school, I’m worried that Azog douche will really go at him.”

Now it’s Dwalin’s turn to frown, considering he hadn’t known that Kili was still being so heavily bullied at school. No wonder it was such a battle between Kili and Thorin for him to go to school, and why he’d still play hooky sometimes. “I’ll look out for him,” Dwalin promises, giving his knuckles a loud, satisfying crack and he winks at Fili. 

“Have fun with that,” Fili hoots with laughter. “You’d have no idea what you’d actually be in for. You can’t even begin to understand what it all entails to look after Kili.”

“He’s a kid, he’s not a baby. I think I can handle it just fine,” Dwalin says dryly.  
“Handled you two all right so far, haven’t I? Trust me, those first few months were living hell. You two were such little shits, and Thorin was so lost in his own grief that he was zero help. You three were lucky that I was around.”

Fili sobers up at that, and he regards Dwalin with serious eyes. They’re so pale and blue that Dwalin feels like they can peer into every crevice of his soul, and it’s slightly unnerving. “You’re right,” he says, reaching out to lay his hand on Dwalin’s forearm. “I know that Kili and I were both troublesome when we came to live with you and Uncle. I know we’re not related, Dwalin, but I hope you know how thankful I am for your input in my life. You’ve raised me these past two years just as much as Thorin has.”

“Oh, go on, shut your mouth,” Dwalin says, giving him a gentle push. “You’re both always going to be my boys, but we don’t got to get so sappy about it, understand?”

“Yeah,” Fili says, giving him a bright smile. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Good, now go finish packing,” Dwalin says, giving him another push but this one is in the direction of the hallway. “I’m going to go and try to find your brother before you leave. He should at least come and say goodbye, I think he’d regret it if he didn’t do at least that.”

“Try the park, he’s often there when he’s upset.”

Dwalin nods and shoves his feet into his shoes, grabbing his keys and exiting the apartment. He can hear noise behind Bilbo’s door, and he ducks down to slink past him, not wanting to get roped into anything conversation about whether lasagna is served best the day it’s made, or should it be left to sit overnight and then heated and served. Dwalin really doesn’t care, he likes lasagna any way he’s given. 

It’s a warm walk to the park that’s half a block away from their apartment. It’s a bit run down, all the play equipment is rusty metal and broken plastic, so it’s rare to actually have parents and their children there. Instead, it’s become a place for teenagers to gather, and Dwalin has heard rumblings in the community that some people in the neighborhood want it torn down for a community garden. 

In the small scattering of teenagers, he spots Kili sitting alone on a bench, smoking what he hopes is a cigarette. It’s bad enough that Kili has picked up that habit, but if Dwalin catches him smoking weed, he’ll smack him into next week. Kili already struggles with school, the last thing he needs is to become a burnout. 

Dwalin doesn’t even try to tip toe up to him, he knows that his body just isn’t the sneaking type. Instead, he just strides over and sits heavily down beside Kili, leaning back against the wooden board that’s peeling. He tips his face up to the sun, squinting, and says, “Hey.”

Kili is quiet for a moment before he mutters out a hello, and takes another deep drag from his cigarette. He’s smart enough to blow the smoke away from Dwalin, who hates the smell of it. It turns his stomach. 

“I really don’t like it when you run off like that,” Dwalin says. “You’re not thinking straight when you do, and you’re liable to run into the middle of the street and get smucked by a bus. I’d rather you stay, even if you do shout.”

“I couldn’t be there any longer, not after what I said,” Kili says quietly, shaking his head and his tangled hair flops in his eyes again. “I didn’t mean to say half of what I did, and I especially didn’t mean to say… anyway, I couldn’t stick around for Thorin’s reaction. He’s already disappointed in me enough.”

Dwalin’s quiet for a moment, wondering just how far he can push him before Kili leaps up and runs away from him too. “Why do you think Thorin will be disappointed that you’re gay?” He says softly. “It’s not going to upset him, Kili. It won’t matter to him.”

“It matters to _me_,” Kili says forcefully, grinding the stub of his cigarette into the bench before flicking it away. Normally Dwalin would give the back of his head a swat for loitering, but this just isn’t the time. 

“Why?”

“It just does, okay?”

“It shouldn’t,” Dwalin says, keeping his tone light. “No one is going to be disappointed in you for it, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed over. It shouldn’t matter like this to you.”

“But it _does_.”

“Why?”

“Because Fili isn’t,” Kili bursts over, his breathing jagged and he glares across the park. “We’re alike in almost every other way, why does this have to be any different? He’s always got girls noticed in him, and I just wish I could be like him.”

“Kili…” Dwalin exhales slowly. “You and Fili are a lot more different than you realize. I know you like to think that the pair of you are twins, but you’re not. You’re actually really different, and that’s a _good_ thing. It’s healthy.”

“Everyone keeps using that damn word. Why don’t you care that I am?” Kili says suspiciously, ignoring everything else Dwalin has just said. He shouldn’t really be surprised, because when Kili doesn’t like what he’s been told, he just pretends he hasn’t heard any of it. 

Brat. 

“Why would I care when I identify the same way?” Dwalin says carefully. 

Neither him nor Thorin have ever told the boys over the years that Dwalin is gay. He’s not ashamed of the fact, it’s just something that has never come up before. If Dwalin had been able to meet someone, he would have easily introduced them to the family, but it’s just not happened for him yet. He doesn’t even have time to go out looking for it. Being gay isn’t even something that he thinks about very often. It’s just one small part that makes up the rest of him, and he forgets that to some people, it’s a big terrifying secret to be ashamed over. 

Kili inhales sharply and jerks his eyes over to Dwalin, remaining silent as he gives him an appraising look. Dwalin tries not to shift under the attention, instead he just lets Kili look his fill, because of course Kili is curious, and is redefining the way he looks at Dwalin. It’s completely normal, and to be expected even. 

Dwalin just hopes that Kili’s opinion of him doesn’t change too much.

***

_Interesting_, Kili thinks, even as his eyes continue to roam over Dwalin’s frame. _Very interesting indeed. _

He had absolutely no idea that Dwalin was gay. In the past two years since he has lived with him, he doesn’t think Dwalin has ever mentioned having a date before. He had just assumed that Dwalin was like Thorin – socially awkward and too busy working to meet anyone. Dwalin doesn’t look like society’s typical idea of a gay man, although Kili knows from his extensive search in porn that gay men come in a variety of shades. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Dwalin says gruffly, shifting his weight and the bench creaks dangerously. “I’m no different than I was ten minutes ago.”

“So not true,” Kili murmurs, flushing when he feels Dwalin’s eyes on him. He doesn’t want Dwalin getting the wrong idea, it’s not like Kili is judging him or… checking him out. Things have just changed in the sense that Kili finally has an ally in the house, he might even have someone who understands what he’s going through. 

Dwalin might even be cool with Kili bringing a boy home. He’d like to do that. 

“Are you going to come home and say goodbye to your brother?” Dwalin finally asks once the silence has stretched too thin. “You don’t want him leaving and thinking you’re pissed at him, do you?”

“Of course not, I’m not a total asshole,” Kili says. “I just wish I could go with him, that’s all. I don’t like being away from Fili. I haven’t since…” he trails off, the back of his neck feeling hot. 

“Since your mother died,” Dwalin says slowly, like he’s beginning to understand things and fit the puzzle pieces together. “You have separation anxiety.”

“I think so,” Kili says, and he feels even more embarrassed. He’s always tried to impress the older man, although he feels like he rarely succeeds. He’d hate for Dwalin to know just how messed up he is. “It’s stupid, I know. You don’t have to bother saying it.”

“It’s not stupid, I wasn’t going to say that at all,” Dwalin argues. “The first time I left home, I was so homesick that I cried for the first week. One time I cried so hard that I made myself sick. And that was with a terrific support system in my parents, let alone…”

He trails off, like he doesn’t want to remind Kili that he’s an orphan and his brother is leaving him. Like he could ever forget. However, Dwalin so rarely offers tidbits about his own childhood that Kili takes the chance to seize on that instead of feeling even more sorry for himself. “Really?”

“Yeah, and my university roommate was a total dick who didn’t understand it at all. He wasn’t really good with communicating,” Dwalin grins and elbows his side. Kili resists the urge to flinch away. “We got into a pretty big fight over it one time, and I punched him in the face and nearly broke his nose. He came around pretty quickly after that, and we got along a lot better.”

“I can’t believe you almost broke Uncle’s nose!” Kili laughs. “Sometimes I’d like to punch him in the face too.”

“Oh, Kili,” Dwalin says, wrapping an arm around Kili’s shoulders and drawing him in close. Kili fights to keep his breath regulated, because while he would have never thought about the gesture before, somehow knowing that Dwalin is like him makes everything feel so… different. “I’d pay to see you try and take on your uncle. Don’t under-estimate him, Thorin’s a pretty tough cookie.”

“So am I,” Kili grumbles. He does the pretense of shifting on the bench simply to press closer to the warmth that Dwalin naturally exudes. He glances at him from the corner of his eyes again, mentally reviewing everything conclusion he’s ever drawn about Dwalin. 

He’s going to have to rework several of those. 

“That you are,” Dwalin agrees, dropping his arm and he stands up, pulling Kili to his feet. “Come on, let’s go say goodbye to Fili. I bet that Thorin will let me drive you up there next weekend if you’re not a complete shit to live with.”

“I’ll try my best,” Kili says, but he promises nothing. He knows himself well enough. 

The walk home is silent, but comfortable. While Kili has never been distinctly uncomfortable around Dwalin, there had always been some sort of wariness, considering Dwalin never let him get away with the shit that Thorin did. Now though, there’s a shift between them, and when Kili sneaks a peek over at him, he doesn’t feel wary. He feels accepted and understood in a way that he never has before. 

Maybe Dwalin will give him less shit now. He doubts it, but he can always hope. 

Thorin is just finishing loading the last of Fili’s stuff in the back of his SUV and Fili is already buckled into the front seat when they finally make it back to the apartment building. Kili’s heart leaps in his throat, afraid that it’s too late and they’ll drive away without saying goodbye, but of course Fili is scrambling to unbuckle the moment he sees them appear. 

Kili catches his brother in a hard hug, and tucks himself as close as he can against his chest. It’s going to be possibly weeks until he’s able to hug Fili like this year. The days are going to go by so slowly, and Kili already feels so lonely. 

“Blink and I’ll be back before you know it,” Fili promises, reading his damn mind again. He hopes his brother never loses the ability to know what he’s thinking. 

“It will,” Kili agrees, even though he knows it won’t. However, he had promised to try. “Dwalin said he’d drive me up next weekend, if Thorin says yes.”

“That’s fantastic!” Fili pulls back to beam at him, and Kili already misses his warmth. “We’ll have so much fun, I bet York is amazing. There will be tons to do.”

“Yeah, it’ll be good to get a feel of the place for when I move up there,” Kili says, and his mind is already beginning to work in over-time. He doesn’t have to go to school there. He could just get an apartment with Fili and find a job and they could always be together. 

Fili laughs and swats his head, stepping back from him completely. “I left you something on your bed,” he says. “You better like it.”

Kili rolls his eyes. He’d like to say that he would like it better if Fili stayed back for another year, but Dwalin is right. He needs to be happy for his brother. Fili’s worked hard to be accepted into York as a law student. If their mother was here, she would burst from joy. She’d run around to all the other neighbors, banging on their doors and waving the acceptance letter into their faces, bragging about her genius son. She’d hug Kili and kiss his temple, promising him that his time would come, and she’d beam at Fili with such pride. 

Kili’s chest clenches painfully. 

If his mother was still alive, he wouldn’t be so weirded out over Fili leaving. He’d be reasonable about it, and accept the fact that he’s only an hour north, it’s hardly a drive at all. He’d be glad to see his brother go, because it would mean less time sharing things, and being spoiled. He wouldn’t be so fucked up like he is now. 

He doesn’t want to deal with this anymore, it’s too painful the slow way it’s drawing out. He’d rather rip the band-aid off in one quick go, and have Fili leave. He wants a cigarette, but he knows better than to light one up in front of Thorin. He’s not an idiot and he knows that Kili smokes, but he’s voiced his disapproval enough that Kili knows he’d slap it out of his mouth if he even tried. 

He steps further back, his heart thumping loudly and his palms feel sweaty. “Drive safe,” he says, wondering if it sounds as weird to Fili as it does to him. That’s not what he says, this isn’t who they are. He doesn’t really know who they are anymore. 

It must, because Fili wrinkles his nose and shoves Kili again, this time a bit harder. “Yeah, okay _Mum_,” he teases, but it’s still vinegar in a wound that hasn’t completely scabbed over. “Like Uncle drives any other way.”

“I heard that,” Thorin calls from the back of the SUV where he’s still rearranging things with Dwalin helping him. 

“I better let you go,” Kili says, squinting up at the sky. “It’s getting late.”

He hates goodbyes. In the small, secret place of his heart that he will never bare to anyone, he is grateful that their mother stole away from them unannounced. He could never handle watching her slowly fade away. Perhaps that’s selfish of him, and everyone would hate him if they knew how he felt, but it’s the truth and there are some things he can’t lie about, not to himself. 

“Stick close to Gimli,” Fili says. Gimi is a mutual friend of theirs, more Kili’s age than Fili’s, but they had all gotten along relatively well. Gimi is built like a tank, and even Azog leaves him alone. It probably helps that Gimli is on the wrestling team. “He knows you get shit from Azog, and he’ll help you out. I already talked to him.”

Kili scowls at that, his feathers ruffled. It’s already embarrassing that the majority of the school knows that he’s a weird freak that Azog hates. He doesn’t need his older brother soliciting help for him. “I don’t want your help,” he scoffs, even though he does. 

Fili frowns at him, tilting his head slightly. “I’m just trying to keep you safe, I worry about leaving you. I know Azog is a dick, but he won’t mess with Gimli.”

“I don’t need your help,” he snaps, drawing back and he tucks his arms in against himself. “Or your pity, so fucking save it, Fili.”

“Whatever, you ungrateful little shit,” Fili says angrily. He pauses, but Kili only glares balefully at him. With a huff of breath, Fili turns and stomps to the vehicle, climbing in and slamming the door shut. 

Thorin and Dwalin both immediately look over at him, but Kili keeps his eyes on the single tree outside of their building, refusing to meet anybody’s eyes. If he does, he’ll probably break down and throw himself inside the vehicle, begging Fili to stay. The tree leaves are already turning from a dark green to a paler shade, and soon they’ll drop to rest on the sidewalk, clogging the drainage so the world’s largest puddle will form outside their place and Kili will step in it at least once in the fall before he remembers. 

“Okay, well I guess we’ll be going,” Thorin says awkwardly, and he looks warily at Kili again. “You boys said your goodbyes?”

“Obviously,” Kili mutters, still refusing to look at him. 

Any minute Fili is going to come out of the SUV and apologize. He’ll rub his hand against Kili’s head, even though he knows that Kili hates it, and then he’ll draw him into another hug. He’ll promise to come home sooner than Thanksgiving, since that’s practically six weeks away. He’ll smirk at Kili and promise to text him daily, and to not let Thorin get to him. 

Any minute now. 

“Right,” Thorin says, and he finally looks away from Kili, his eyes swinging over to Dwalin’s. “We’ll be back – I mean, _I’ll_ be back probably a bit later, depends on how long he wants me to stick around. We have a bit of shopping to do, and I thought I’d take him for supper.”

“Sounds good,” Dwalin says, and he gives them a wave. 

Kili can’t stand it anymore. Fili’s door remains firmly closed, and it’s obvious that his brother isn’t coming out. He throws his hand up in a half wave and then bolts inside, thundering his way up the stairs to their apartment. Before he can get into the safety of his own apartment though, his neighbor’s door bangs open, and Bilbo storms out. 

Bilbo is shorter than Kili is, even though he’s sure he’s around Thorin’s age. However, he’s got a sharp tongue and has the ability to make Kili feel like he’s ten years old. Sometimes, though, when Kili hasn’t been loud in a while and hasn’t bothered Bilbo, he’s nice and will give Kili old records he claims he doesn’t have room for anymore.  
He’s also a wicked baker, and is always sending food over to them. Kili suspects his ginger snaps is the only reason Thorin tolerates him. 

“Kili Durin!” Bilbo says, his voice shrill. “You have been banging around all morning, and my peace lilies have positively wilted from all your ruckus. What is the matter?”

“Nothing,” Kili mutters, because no matter how upset he gets, he can’t bring himself to be outright rude to Bilbo. “Bad day.”

“It certainly sounds like it, although you need to tell your uncle to quit yelling at you,” Bilbo frowns. “I’m not a parent, but even I know that yelling at children solves absolutely nothing.”

Kili’s momentarily pleased at someone defending him before Bilbo’s words fully sink in, and he scowls. “I’m not a child. And tell him yourself, he’d probably listen to you better than to me.”

“Your uncle doesn’t listen to a word I say,” Bilbo says, even though that’s not true. 

The first week they had moved to this apartment, it had been right before the first Christmas without their mum, and Kili had been miserable. Thorin had apparently bought him a present more inclined towards someone the age of ten, and according to Fili, it had been Bilbo who had insisted he get Kili a new game for his Xbox and return the old present – whodunit books. 

So, even though Bilbo yells at them sometimes for being loud, he still makes it obvious that he cares about them. 

“I reckon your uncle is gone now with your brother, is he?” Bilbo asks, rocking back on his heels and he’s got his fists shoved into the pockets of his corduroy pants. “Hard to believe that Fili is already off to uni, although I suppose it’s a year overdue. I’m glad he’s going, too many kids take a year off and then never end up going. Your brother’s too smart for that business.”

“I’ve got to go,” Kili bites out, because he can’t stand to hear about Fili any longer, not when he’s barely been gone and Kili already misses him so much. Plus he can hear heavy footsteps in the stairwell and he knows that it’s Dwalin coming up. He slips into their apartment and heads for their – no, his – bedroom and shuts the door firmly. 

Looking at the half empty room, a sob slips out of his throat. He swallows hard, pushing the tears back. Fili had left his bed, but all his belongings, all the items that had made this Fili’s room are gone. Sitting on Fili’s old bed are three items. 

The first thing that catches his eye is Fili’s stuffed bear named Puppy. It’s completely mangled now from years of love, and is even missing one eye, but Fili hasn’t slept without it since he got it, save the night they spent in the hospital when their mother died and Thorin had come to fetch them. Fili had received the bear when he was a baby, just shy of being two, and Kili had just been born. Their mother had been worried that Fili would be jealous, feel pushed out of place, and so he had been given the special bear as his own baby to care for while she cared for Kili. 

Puppy is also dressed in Fili’s favourite t-shirt, the one that Kili would always try to hide because Fili only ever seem to wear it when they hung out together. It hangs off of Puppy, drowning him in the white material. Rumpled around his waist, Kili can make out the big, black hand and Kili knows if he stretched the shirt out, he’d see the words _I’M WITH STUPID_ on it. 

The third item on the bed is a letter, and Kili rolls his eyes, scooping it up. He squints, trying to read between the folded creases. If it’s really sappy, he doesn’t want to read it. He’s already upset, he doesn’t want to deal with anything else that’s going to upset him today. However, he’s too curious to not read it, and damn it – Fili would have known that. 

“Asshole,” he mutters. 

He shoves Puppy aside and flops down on Fili’s bed, the scent of his brother still lingering on the comforter. It’s familiar to him, a scent that means safety and home. He exhales slowly and unfolds the paper. The note inside is brief, scribbled in Fili’s messy handwriting. 

_Keels, please don’t be upset that I’m leaving. If I could take you with me, you’d already be here beside me. However, this is your year, Kili. This is your year, and I can’t wait to hear all about it. Please go to class, don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, because I know you, and you’re fantastic. You’re going to discover who you really are this year, and I can’t wait to meet him when I’m back. I’m only a phone call away, text and call me, I’ll always reply – maybe not right away, but I_ will _reply. I’m going to be so homesick this year, so please don’t be mad at me and shut me out – I need you as much as you need me. We’re a pair, you and I, and don’t you forget it. Distance and life might separate us, but we’re still quite the pair, as Mum used to say! I bet I’ve only left and guess what – I’m already missing you. Fili _

Kili swallows hard again, a tear dripping off the end of his nose to splatter on the note, smearing a word. Fili’s right – he really does know Kili, and yet he loves him anyway. 

“Asshole,” he repeats, but this time, with fondness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if AO3 notifies people if you edit a chapter, but the edit for Chapter 1 was to include some song lyrics. I've written a lot of this fic to Elton John, and I decided to incorporate that into the actual story, weaving different lyrics into each chapter. The first chapter I hadn't put anything in, but now that I've determined for it to become a theme, I went back to add one. Basically I love writing to Elton's music, and I'm sad I'm too poor to see him next month.
> 
> Also - warning for slurs. There's language used in this fic that I don't condone, but is fitting to the situation and character. (AKA Azog is a dick)

The first day of school, Kili sneaks out of the apartment before Thorin or Dwalin are awake. He already feels sick with nerves, because Fili isn’t there to drop him off at school and warn away Azog. He’s completely on his own now, and he knows that Gimli’s protection only stretches so far. 

He leaves Thorin a note on the table saying he’s gone to school, just so he doesn’t worry, and then he heads to the cheap cinema that always plays old movies and is open almost twenty-four hours a day. It used to be his regular haunt with Fili, they would waste entire days there, skiving from school and work to watch movies their mother had never let them watch growing up. 

Now it will be Kili’s solace to visit alone. 

“One, please,” he says at the box office, pulling out crumpled bills and he peels off a five, pushing it under the tiny window slot. 

“Where’s your brother?” Rhonda, the woman who has worked there since they discovered the place, asks him, snapping pink gum in her mouth. 

“Gone away to school,” Kili says, making a face. Why is everyone so obsessed with Fili? He’s not _that_ great. “It’s just me now, for a little while anyway.”

“Speaking of school, I know it’s the first day back since I’ve got to make sure my own kids get going.” She arches a thinly penciled brow at him, and Kili wishes he could sit her down for a makeover. He’s not sure what he could do for her, but surely anything is better than those brows. “Why isn’t your ass at school?”

“Didn’t feel like going,” Kili retorts honestly, since there’s no point in lying to her. He’s a grown adult, no matter what Bilbo or Thorin or anyone else thinks. He can be free to make his own poor decisions if he wants. Everyone else does it. 

“Suit yourself,” she says, letting him in. 

He bypasses the concession, because the popcorn is always so gross in the morning. It’s the leftovers from the night before, fresh batches don’t get made until around ten in the morning. Besides, he grabbed an apple and granola bar from home before he left, so he’s set for a bit. 

It’s a small theatre with only two screens, so he checks out the billboards to see what’s playing. The first theatre, which is the larger one, is holding a Back to the Future marathon. He never got into those movies as a kid, and they hold little interest for him now. However, screen two is showing _Space Jam_, followed by _Cool Runnings_, so Kili snags a middle seat and plops down. He’s the only person in the whole theatre, and so he rests his feet on the seat in front of him and settles in as the opening song starts. 

_“Everybody get up, it’s time to slam now! We got a real jam goin’ down, welcome to the Space Jam…”_

His pocket suddenly vibrates. 

He already knows that it’s going to be Gimli calling him as to why he hasn’t shown up to school yet. To his utmost surprise, though, it’s Fili calling. He hasn’t spoken to his brother on the phone since he left, just brief texts that left Kili hungry for more. If he answers his phone, Fili will immediately know where he is. Whether or not he’ll care is the real question. 

Kili suspects that he’ll care. 

His desire to speak to his brother wins out over the chance of getting scolded, so he swipes to answer and says, “Hello?”

“Why aren’t you at school?” Fili demands, forging any sort of greeting. 

“I’m on my way,” Kili says, twisting in his seat to angle away from the speakers. “I slept in and was running behind. What’s up?”

“Bull – fucking – shit, Kili Durin,” Fili snaps, and he sounds more pissed than he has in a while. “I phoned Thorin and he told me you left almost an hour ago.”

Ugh, _Thorin_.

“I’m on my way,” he repeats. “I really am running behind, I went to our diner to get food first. I shouldn’t talk long, I’m almost there.”

Fili is suspiciously silent, and Kili knows his brother well enough to know that he’s trying to decide whether or not he believes Kili. He must finally decide he doesn’t, because he says. “Go to school, Kili. Stop doing whatever it is you’re doing and get to class.”

“Shouldn’t _you_ be in class?” Kili chooses to go for the offense, rather than the defense. It’s generally worked well for him in the past. 

“I don’t have class for another hour,” Fili says. “And this isn’t about me, the adult, anyway. Nice try, little brother, this one is all on you.”

Irritation prickles along his skin like goose bumps. 

“Yeah, I’m going,” he says, hanging up before his brother can respond. He doesn’t need any more of Fili’s condescending bullshit. Just because he’s gone to university doesn’t suddenly mean he’s more of an adult that Kili is. 

He feels a little guilty about hanging up on him, but Fili shouldn’t be so nosy. If he wants to leave Kili and be gone, then that means he’s gone. He doesn’t get to nag at Kili from afar, not when he still has to deal with Thorin. He turns his phone on to silent and shoves it back into his pocket, settling back into his seat to watch. He pulls his apple out and takes a satisfying, juicy bite.

***

“Hold on, I’ve got to take this,” Dwalin says apologetically. He’s in the middle of an important meeting, and would normally dismiss the incoming call, but he can’t remember the last time Fili phoned him while he was at work. Given that he’s just moved away, it must be important. He exits the board room, leaving the sales pitch to his business partner, Tauriel. 

“What’s going on, Fili?” He asks, accepting the phone call and walking into his office to shut the door. He pulls his chair out from behind his desk and lowers his bulking frame on to it. “Are you all right?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, Dwalin,” Fili says, and Dwalin knows that he’s being foolish since Fili just left a matter of days ago, but he suddenly sounds so _mature_. “It’s Kili.”

“What’s wrong?” Dwalin demands, his heart clenching in his chest. 

“I don’t think he’s at school,” Fili says, and Dwalin feels himself beginning to relax; his heart slowly unfolding from its icy grasp. 

“You called me out of a business meeting because Kili is skiving off from class?” He pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes deeply. It’s a gesture that Thorin often does when he’s dealing with his nephews. Dwalin had always figured that it was an immediate relaxant to the situation. 

Not so, it would appear. 

“You bet I did,” Fili retorts aggressively. “You may think it’s not a big deal and feel annoyed at me, but I don’t care. Kili can’t afford to miss any more school, otherwise he’ll be held back another year. I know he’s worried about the bullies, but missing school shouldn’t be an option to him.”

“So phone Thorin, I’m busy,” Dwalin says. “Kili is his legal responsibility, not mine. You both forget that sometimes.”

Fili is silent on the line, and Dwalin winces. He feels bad, that had come out a lot harsher than he had intended. While there is merit to his statement, it has been lost in translation, and he knows that he’s probably wounded Fili on some level. Thankfully it’s Fili that he misspoke to, and not Kili. 

Fili is much more apt to forgive. 

“He’s at the five dollar cinema,” Fili finally says, his voice colder than Dwalin has ever heard it. “I phoned my uncle, and he’s busy. He didn’t even answer. If you don’t care about Kili, then just leave it and I’ll figure something else out.”

Fili hangs up before he can say anything. Dwalin sets his phone down and rubs the back of his neck. That didn’t go the way it was supposed to. He doesn’t blame Fili for his reaction, what he had said had been cruel. He hadn’t meant it either, sometimes these boys just forget that Dwalin has his own business, his own life, to focus on. 

He sighs and pushes himself to his feet. He should probably go collect Kili and take him to school. It would mean leaving the meeting, which is extremely important. They have been attempting to work with this ad agency for a while now in order to get their name out there more. Dwalin knows that in a city as large as Toronto, it’s important to advertise. There are gyms a dime a dozen out there, but Dwalin and Tauriel have the added advantage of offering MMA training. 

The ad agency is in high demand, though, and between trying to find a time in their schedules where they all had time to meet, Dwalin can’t really afford to be skipping out on this meeting. The agency was just relenting on their prices before the phone call, which means Dwalin doesn’t have to sink everything he has in to the gym in order to see it as a success. He doesn’t have time to be going after Kili, who is such a little shithead. 

A part of Dwalin is relieved that Fili is gone, and is counting down the year until Kili graduates and moves out. Things can go back to normal then. Still, there’s something to be said about still living with your university roommate. Neither him nor Thorin are that young anymore, each sitting at a comfortable thirty-three. They should probably entertain the idea of having their own places. Of course, Thorin could always meet a woman yet. 

Dwalin knows that romance isn’t in the cards for him. He has never found someone and most days, he’s okay with that. He tends to typically still get his fun, and he’s okay with being alone. Of course, he doesn’t enjoy the idea of living alone… although if that day came, he could always get a cat.

He exits his office and heads back to the board room. Cracking the door open, he motions for Tauriel to join him in the hallway. 

“I’ll be gone just a moment, gentlemen. Please, take this time to review our brand new artwork,” she says, her voice smooth, but he can tell by the lower pitch that she’s not happy. Her smile is tight, and when she leaves the room and pulls the door gently closed, she turns her full glare on to him. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry,” Dwalin says. “I’ve got to go, though. I have a home situation I’ve got to see too.”

“Are you fucking with me?” She swings her braid of fiery red hair behind her shoulder and crosses her arms. “This is an amazing opportunity, we’re probably never going to get a chance to meet with them like this again. We _need_ this one, Dwalin.”

He knows better than anyone just how badly they need this. He grimaces and says, “I know. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice. Kili isn’t at school, and I’ve got to find him.”

“Fine,” she sighs, throwing her hands up in the air. “Go deal with your pseudo-nephew who is such a fucking brat. Christ, I hate that kid.”

Dwalin knows she’s joking and that she’s just frustrated at the timing, but his hands still curl into abrupt fists before he can catch himself. “Don’t say that,” he says sharply. She’s not wrong, Kili is a brat, how often has he said that to Thorin? However, he’s their brat, and nobody else gets to insult him like that, even in jest. 

Her eyes widen slightly before she smirks. “Look at you being all protective over him. If you weren’t such a raging homosexual, I’d have babies with you.”

“Oh, Jesus,” he mutters, rolling his eyes. “Go finish the meeting. You have my notes memorized better than I did, so I know you can carry the presentation yourself. I trust your judgement. Let me know how it goes, I’ll try to be back soon.”

“You better,” she says, before she opens the door and disappears. “My apologies, gentleman. I hope you had a chance…” 

Dwalin smiles wistfully before he turns and hurries out of the office building that their gym and offices are held in. He jogs down the block, pulling at the tie that threatens to choke him. Once he’s reached a busier street, he’s able to hail a taxi and gives the address of the little cinema that the boys always go to.

Kili will probably be furious to see him, but Fili’s right. Kili can’t afford to miss any more school, not when he almost had to repeat last year because of his absences and general behavior. If he’s held back for his final year, Dwalin knows him well enough to know that he’ll probably drop out altogether, and Dwalin refuses to allow that to happen. 

Dis would come back from the grave just to murder them all. 

After he pays for the cab and forks out the five bucks for the admission, he checks the first theatre. _Back to the Future II_ is playing, and there’s only four people in the audience, none of them Kili. He checks out the second theatre, and sure enough, there’s a lone figuring in the middle, slouched low in the seat. 

Dwalin lets the door behind him bang shut and he strides up the aisle, stopping at the row he’s in. He glares at Kili, who has by now noticed him, and is shrinking back in his seat. There’s a beat of silence, neither of them speaking until Kili has the audacity to mutter a sullen, “What do you want?”

“Get the fuck out of that chair this second.”

Dwalin has done a pretty good job over the past two years of keeping his temper in check when it comes to the boys. He typically lets Thorin handle them, and only intervenes when it seems necessary, and even then he fights to keep calm. However, he is done, and he sees red for the first time. He is fucking _sick_ of this bad attitude. It had been hard enough to handle when Dis had died and they had inherited a hurt, angry teenager. 

It had been understandable then, Kili was grieving because he had just lost his mother and sole parent. Once he had adjusted to life in Toronto and with them, he had become a completely different person. He had grown carefree and full of laughter, never hesitating to share a smile with someone. Oh, he was still stubborn and mischievous and always up to no good, but he was so light-hearted. 

Now he’s a lot more like his fifteen year old self, and Dwalin refuses to go back to that, not when he knows how good it can be. 

He’s not moving fast enough for Dwalin’s liking, so he steps into the row and grabs Kili by the arm, dragging him out of his seat and out of the row. He checks himself, because he knows he’s stronger than he remembers sometimes, and he ensures his touch is light as he prods Kili down the aisle towards the exit. 

“What the fuck, don’t touch me!” Kili yelps, jerking away from him, and he aims a glare in Dwalin’s direction. 

Oh, if only Kili knew how non-threatening his glares were, Dwalin thinks as he hides a smirk. “Your brother phoned me,” he says, and Kili’s scowl deepens. “You’re skipping school and that’s not cool to me.”

He’s expecting a lash out, but Kili surprises him by shrugging his shoulders and sagging against the railing. “Does it really matter?” He asks quietly. “We both know I’m stupid, it’s not like any university is going to accept me. I’d end up at a community college, if anything. So with all the shit I get at school, who cares if I’m not there? Is it really a big deal if I’d rather watch a movie than get shoved into a locker and get called fag or fudge packer?”

Dwalin is stunned into silence. He never knew that Kili’s life at school was that bad. Sometimes he came home with bruises, but he usually brushed it off enough that eventually, so did they. How wrong they’ve been all along to assume that there wasn’t a cause to his aggression. Kili is typically the type who makes so much noise at home, that Dwalin never stopped to realize it wasn’t about the serious matters. He sits down in one of the seats and motions for Kili to do the same, and he does, choosing the seat one right beside Dwalin. 

He really wishes Thorin was the one doing this. 

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this?” He asks gently. 

“There’s nothing to say.” Kili resolutely doesn’t look at him, but keeps his eyes focused on the screen that’s still playing. “You can’t change any of it so why tell you, and have you think I’m some sort of… pussy,” his mouth trips over the ugly word, and Dwalin’s heart begins to hurt. “I’m just a stupid fag.”

“That’s enough,” Dwalin says, low and hard. “Don’t you ever speak about yourself that way again. You’re none of those things. Would you call me a stupid fag?”

“No!” Kili’s head finally jerks in his direction, and his dark eyes are wide. “You’re in shape, and really fit. You’re rough, nobody would ever push _you_ into a locker. You’re smart enough to own your own business, and you’re fucking hot. You’re nothing like me.”

Dwalin’s entire being trips at the mention that Kili finds him hot, but there’s more pressing matters at hand here. He reaches out and lays the palm of his hand flat between Kili’s shoulder blades. “I want you to listen to me,” he murmurs. “”You’re extremely bright, you don’t give yourself enough credit. You would get better grades if you buckled down and focused. There is a difference between stupidity, and being easily distracted. You are most definitely the latter.”

“I guess.” He hunches his shoulders in and stares down at the floor miserably. “Still a wimp, though. Couldn’t fight off Azog to save my life.”

“Well, let’s fix that then,” Dwalin says. “I own a gym, and I’m well qualified to train you. Start coming to the gym, and I’ll give you some free lessons. We’ll get a little more muscle definition on you so you’re able to defend yourself. Defend yourself, Kili – if I find out you’re starting fights, I’ll shut you down so fast.”

Kili flushes at that and shakes his head. “I wouldn’t do that,” he says. “I don’t go out of my way to find trouble, you know. It just seems – ”

“To find you, yeah yeah.”

“Still wish I wasn’t a fag, though.” The admission is murmured so low that Dwalin has almost has trouble catching it. 

“That’s a harder one to solve,” Dwalin says slowly. He feels so out of his depth here. He’s not the type of guy that shares emotions, but he’s not an asshole, he can’t leave Kili when he’s obviously hurting. He remembers his own teenage years when he loathed himself and what he was, and how desperately he had wanted to be like Balin. He had been so ashamed of who he was, a concept so foreign to him now because he is immensely proud of who he has become. “The only one who can help with that is you, Kili. You’re the only one who can accept yourself. Fili can’t do it for you, Thorin can’t, I sure can’t. You’re the only one, and I know you’ll get there.”

“Did you?”

“I did,” Dwalin confirms, nodding his head. “When I was a bit younger than you, probably fifteen or so, I realized I was gay. I really struggled with it for a while, because it wasn’t something that was common or acceptable when I was younger. However, one day when I was a bit older, around your age now, I decided I was tired of hating myself. I decided to just live my life. I also fell in love for the first time around then, which probably helped. I had someone else confirming that I was okay the way I was.”

“Yeah,” Kili says, chewing on his bottom lip absently. His eyebrows are furrowed, he’s clearly in deep thought, and Dwalin hopes there aren’t any more deep questions headed his way. “I realized I was gay when I was fifteen, too.”

Dwalin can still remember the evening so clear when everything had slotted into place for him. He had been having a sleep over at a friend’s place, and they had found his older brother’s magazine stash. It had been rather hard core gay porn, and his friend had been horrified, immediately running to tell his mom. Dwalin had realized with a sinking feeling that he wasn’t as horrified as he should be at the sight of two men together – instead, he had been pretty aroused. 

“How did you realize it?” He asks. 

Kili flushes beet red and rubs the back of his neck. “It’s… nothing,” he says, clearly embarrassed. 

Dwalin, who knows what it’s like to be embarrassed over such matters, and perhaps doesn’t want to reveal them to someone who is like an uncle, nods his head. “I understand,” he says, not wanting to push Kili into feeling uncomfortable. 

“No, you don’t, nobody does,” Kili says miserably, and he fidgets in his seat like he’s riddled with nerves. “Kids at school aren’t lying when they say I’m a pervert.”

“What makes you say that?” Dwalin sits up a little straighter in the theatre seat, warning bells going off in his head. The way Kili is speaking it almost seems like something had happened to him when he was younger… He racks his brain, trying to remember if Thorin had ever expressed concern over such a thing, or what religion Dis had raised the boys. Surely something _that_ important would have been relayed to him when they got the boys. 

“Because… I… because I…” Kili says haltingly. “I realized I… I was gay… when I…”

After a long stretch of silence, Dwalin finally says, “When you what?”

“When I caught Fili jerking off,” Kili blurts out, and then blanches, clapping a hand over his mouth. “Please don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell Fili.”

Dwalin’s first instinct is to laugh, because as far as he’s concerned, there’s nothing wrong with that. Children and young teenagers learn of their sexuality from their surroundings, and that often means family members. If Fili was masturbating and young Kili saw him, then of course that would make him realize some things. It didn’t mean that Kili was a pervert who wanted his brother. 

However, he’s not an idiot, and he knows that laughing at this point would do more harm than good, so he stifles his amusement and wraps Kili in a one armed hug. The boy is stiff against him, but Dwalin doesn’t let that deter him. “It’s okay,” he says reassuringly. “That doesn’t make you perverted.”

“He’s my _brother_,” Kili spits out angrily, two red blotches appearing high on his cheeks, and Dwalin is momentarily distracted by how nice Kili’s cheekbones are. 

“Of course he’s your brother, and I was obsessed with my mom’s tits when I was four,” Dwalin huffs out a laugh. “When you’re young, and you’re first beginning to discover your body, it comes from your surroundings. That can be your parents, a sibling, a friend… anyone. It doesn’t mean you’re perverted, or that there’s something wrong with you.”

Kili, who had cracked a smile at the tit comment, shakes his head. “You make it sound so simple, but it’s _not_. People wouldn’t consider me filthy unless I really was. Bullies wouldn’t know I was gay unless it was really obvious how dirty I am.”

“Those people are ignorant, and you can’t let them dictate your life,” Dwalin says. “Those people will always exist in your life, and you have to learn how to rise above them. Listening to them, believing their nonsense… it’s no way to live your life. You’re letting them win when you do so.”

“Fuck ignorant people and their false sense of morals,” Kili says bitterly, and yeah, Dwalin can certainly agree to that. 

He glances at his watch and sees that it’s already almost ten in the morning. His meeting is certainly over by now, and he had cleared the rest of his day to make sure that he had no distractions. He doesn’t fault Kili for not wanting to go to school, not after the talk they just had. He had no idea how much Kili was going through. For as much as they live together under the same roof, it’s become quite clear to Dwalin today that he doesn’t really know Kili at all. 

“Why don’t we head home for the day? I know you got that new video game last week, and I doubt you’ve finished it yet.”

“What about school?” Kili says suspiciously, and Dwalin grins down at him. 

“Everyone knows the first day of school is a waste, it’s just about getting settled in,” Dwalin shrugs. “We might as well write the rest of the day off. We’ll get some Pad Thai, we could watch a movie if you want, and you can go to class tomorrow.”

“Can we watch the Indiana Jones movies?” Kili asks hopefully. “Young Harrison Ford is fucking hot.”

“Jesus,” Dwalin starts. “That’s something I didn’t need to know.”

Kili grins at him, and despite the over-share, Dwalin is relieved to see the boy seem happier. “You know, as much as it sucks that Fili is gone, this might be a good thing for my sex life. Can I bring a boy home sometime? You know, if I found one that was ever interested in me?”

“If I’m not bringing boys home, who says you get to?” Dwalin smirks to hide how horrified he is at the thought that Kili could be bringing some boy home and _doing things_ with him. 

He needs to talk to Thorin ASAP. 

Kili just gives him a wink before he’s bounding out of his seat and heads out of the theatre, Dwalin trailing behind him. While they’re on the subway, he sends Thorin a text to say that he has to talk to him regarding Kili, but they’re okay for the moment and he’s taking him home. Then he texts Fili. 

_I’m sorry for what I said. Kili and I had a long talk and I think he’ll be okay. He’s a good kid. Thanks for reminding me of my place – I’m always going to look out for the two of you._

***

The next day comes way too early for Kili’s liking. He forces himself to go to school, though, despite every instinct inside of him is screaming for him to run. Dwalin drives him to school in his truck, which Thorin raises an eyebrow over, but doesn’t comment on it. Traffic is too light for his liking as well, and it’s not long before they’re pulling up to the high school.

_So bring it on, I’ve been bruised; don’t give me love that’s clean and smooth. I’m ready for the rougher stuff, no sweet romance – I’ve had enough…_

Dwalin reaches for the volume knob and turns it down. “Have a good day,” he says, and he reaches his hand over to rest against Kili’s forearm. His touch is warm, and Kili fights the urge to pull his arm away. He’s got butterflies in his stomach, but it’s nerves for school, _for sure_, rather than anything to do with Dwalin’s proximity. 

“Thanks,” he says, but he doesn’t unbuckle his seat belt, he doesn’t even move. He just stares at the school, unable to believe that he’s facing another long year ahead of him. 

“It’ll be okay,” Dwalin assures him. “Remember that whatever people say, it always says more about who they are as a person than it ever does about you.”

“Are you hungry? Fili and I used to always go to this really great diner around here, and my first class is ridiculous…”

“Nice try,” Dwalin says, and gives him a bracing smile. “I’ll drink a shake at work, and you ate four slices of toast and a banana. I know you’re not hungry. Go to school, before I push you out of this truck myself.”

Kili sighs but nods his head, unbuckling and hopping out of the truck. He slings his backpack over one shoulder and leans against the open door. “I can take the bus home,” he says. “Don’t worry about picking me up.”

“Oh, is that your _boyfriend_?”

Kili briefly closes his eyes at the low, cruel drawl. He’d recognize Azog’s voice from anywhere. Of course Azog and his friends would be walking past him right at this moment. Azog, the elected leader of his little pack, always seems to find him where ever he is, and he always brings his friends. They call themselves Orcs, whatever that means. Kili hasn’t figured it out yet, but he likes to pretend that it means Obnoxiously Rude Cunt Sacks. 

It’s fitting, to say the least. 

A door slam startles him, and he whirls around to see Dwalin is out of the truck and is striding over to them, pure fury written all over his face. It’s alarming, but also slightly satisfying to see how startled Azog looks. In all his years of knowing Dwalin, Kili doesn’t think he’s ever seen him so angry. 

“You fucking say something, boy?” Dwalin barks, and Kili feels a sudden rush of arousal skid down his spine. 

Azog looks behind to where his friends are, and then looks back at Dwalin with a heavy scowl on his ugly, pocked face. “Wasn’t talking to you,” he sneers, and he swaggers closer to Kili. “I was talking to your pussy boyfriend.”

“You better shut your mouth right now,” Dwalin says, low and hard. “You don’t get to insult him like that, do you hear me? You don’t even get to acknowledge his existence. He is _none_ of your concern.”

Kili feels his cheeks flush with embarrassment, although it’s mingling with arousal. Oh God, who knew that Dwalin could be so sexy while he was angry? How is he attracted to Dwalin right now? How is he even attracted to Dwalin at all?! 

“Dwalin, it’s fine,” he mutters, hitching his backpack further up his thin shoulder. “You can go.”

“Yeah, run along,” Azog smirks. “I’m sure your boy toy will be home after he finishes flunking all his classes, fucking dumb shit that he is.”

Kili takes one look at Dwalin’s face, and knows that he needs him to leave _now_. Dwalin, the rational adult, is slowly disappearing. Dwalin, the retired MMA fighter, is rapidly emerging, and it will be a bad thing indeed if he gets his hands on Azog. Kili puts his hand on Dwalin’s arm, and it’s like his touch breaks a spell, for it immediately attracts Dwalin’s eyes to his. 

“It’s okay, you can go. I’ll be fine,” he says, giving Dwalin a nudge. He forces a smile to his face, and hopes that it comes across believable. “Just words, right?”

Dwalin hesitates before he nods his head and heads back around, climbing into the truck. He doesn’t pull away though, he sits there with the engine rumbling as he keeps his gaze focused on Azog. Kili turns and heads into the school, content with the knowledge that at least for the moment, he can’t be touched. 

“Filthy little fudge packer,” Azog taunts, under his breath. 

Can’t be touched physically, at any rate. His chest clenches anxiously, but he hurries inside and down the hallway, away from Azog and his hurtful, untrue words.

The day goes by slowly, and by the time the final bell has rang, Kili has had a lot more insults hurled his way. However, Azog has kept his hands to himself, so Dwalin’s threat has clearly worked on some level. He rides the bus home, staring out the window as he listens to music with his ear buds. He debates about sending Fili a text, but ultimately doesn’t. 

He expects an empty apartment when he gets home shortly after four, because Dwalin tends to usually work until five, while Thorin comes home anywhere from five to ten. However, Dwalin is sprawled out on the couch when he gets home, watching a reality cooking show. The minute Kili comes through the door, though, he’s straightening up and muting the TV. 

“Hey,” he says. 

“Hi,” Kili replies, and feels himself blushing. He had mostly forgotten about his inappropriate reaction to Dwalin’s anger, but now that he’s seeing him again, he’s remembering how gritty his voice had been, and what that had done to his body. 

“How was school?” Dwalin asks. “Did he give you a hard time?”

“He didn’t touch me,” Kili says, because that’s at least the truth. He doesn’t want to admit to Dwalin everything that Azog said, because there’s still a part of him that believes it all to be true. 

“Did he say anything?”

“He always says something,” Kili shrugs his shoulders. “It says more about him, than it does about me, right?”

“That’s my boy,” Dwalin says, smiling broadly at him, and something warm sizzles in Kili’s stomach.

***

A few days later, it’s Friday and Kili has been going to school for a whole week before he suffered his first bloody nose. He keeps a wad of Kleenex wedged up his left nostril as he hops off the bus right in front of Dwalin’s studio. He hadn’t made any plans with Dwalin about beginning his training, but after today, he needs to do _something_, even if it just means he’s swinging at a punching bag until he breaks his hand.

Tauriel’s at the front desk when he goes in, and he gives her a wink. He thinks if he was straight, he probably would have had a crush on her. He likes her long, red hair, and often has to resist the urge to comb his fingers through it. 

“Nice nose,” she says as a greeting, arching one eyebrow. “What happened?”

“Banged into a door,” he replies, not wanting to get into it. “Where’s Dwalin?”

“He’s in his office,” Tauriel replies, nodding her head towards the back hallway. “You can go back if you want.”

“Thanks.”

He heads down the hallway, hitching his backpack higher up on his shoulder as he nudges the large office door open. Dwalin is sitting at his desk, his head down as he fills a form out. He glances up at the intrusion, and Kili feels his stomach flip. 

It’s weird how lately every time he sees Dwalin, he feels warm all over and too big for his skin. It’s like everything is stretched thin, and his stomach won’t stop fluttering. It’s almost like he’s starting to get a crush, but he’s not. That’s a ridiculous thought. He knows it’s only because Dwalin told him he’s gay, it’s not because he’s attracted to Dwalin, who is his uncle’s best friend.

“What happened?” Dwalin demands, pushing himself to his feet and he comes around his desk to examine Kili’s face. 

Kili holds himself very still as Dwalin’s large, warm fingers move over his skin, gingerly pressing on the bridge of his nose. It hurts, but it’s not the worst pain he ever felt, so he’s pretty sure it’s not broken. He pulls the Kleenex out and dabs at his nostril with his fingertip, pleased to see that the blood flow has staunched. He feels so dumb, he shouldn’t have come. Dwalin is always super busy and has better things to do than teach wimpy Kili how to defend himself. 

“You know,” he says, aiming for indifferent but his voice cracks and gives him away. “The usual bullies getting out their aggression before the weekend hits.”

“I’m going to fucking kill that kid,” Dwalin says calmly, stepping back and Kili immediately misses his touch. 

“It’s fine,” Kili says, even though it’s really not. “I was hoping that if you weren’t busy, maybe we could start that training you offered me?”

Dwalin fixes his gaze on him, studying him, and Kili fidgets in his effort to stand still. Dwalin finally nods and says, “I just finished up the last of my paperwork. I was going to head home early, but I don’t mind getting you into the gym.”

“Thank you,” Kili says, and then looks down at what he’s wearing. “Are my clothes okay?”

He’s wearing his pretty standard attire – skinny black jeans, a tight Sex Pistols t-shirt from a second hand store, and the black leather jacket that Thorin had given him last Christmas. Dwalin rubs his beard with his hand and slowly shakes his head. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” he says. “I’ve got some spare clothes lying around, I’m sure I can find something in your size.”

He moves over to a dark paneled credenza and opens the cupboard, rifling through a stack of folded clothing. He pulls out a pair of black shorts and a black t-shirt, chucking them at Kili. 

“The shirt might be a bit small, but it looks like tight isn’t a problem for you,” he teases. 

Kili flushes and drops his backpack on to the floor. He removes his jacket, and then feeling like his skin is prickled with nerves, he peels his t-shirt off and wriggles his way into the one Dwalin had given him. The older man had been correct, it’s skin tight on him, pulling tightly across his shoulders. 

“There’s nothing wrong with wearing fitted clothing. I don’t you see mocking Uncle for it,” he retorts, thinking of Thorin and his snug dress shirts. 

“I don’t think Thorin could pull off those jeans the way you do,” Dwalin says. 

It almost sounds like Dwalin is being a little flirty, but Kili knows himself well enough to know that he has an over active imagination and he can take kindness from someone and spin it into something it’s not. He didn’t mean it to sound like that, although he’s not entirely wrong. Few people can pull off those jeans like Kili can – he has a fantastic ass. 

“I don’t think I’d want to see him try,” Kili replies, stretching his arms to loosen up the t-shirt material. 

Dwalin huffs out a laugh and leans against his desk, folding his arms across his chest. “Your uncle is dedicated to his suits. I don’t know how many tie racks he has to buy before he realizes he has too many damn ties.”

It’s obvious that Dwalin isn’t going to go anywhere, and so Kili quickly pushes his jeans down one leg at each time, peeling them off so he’s just in his boxer briefs and t-shirt. He quickly works the black shorts on, the tip of his ears pink, but when he looks at Dwalin, the older man is studying a poster on the wall. 

“And yet if you tell him that he has too many, he’ll sulk,” he says, sliding his Converses sneakers back on. “It’s a family thing. My mum liked to dress nicely, too.”

“Makes me wonder where you got your style from,” Dwalin grins before he sobers. “You don’t speak of your mother very often, it’s nice when you do.”

Kili swallows hard and studies the floor. It’s still too painful to speak of her in casual conversation. He hates it, because he wishes he could – he’d talk about her all day, every day, if it didn’t give him an anxiety attack each time. Every day his memories of her fade a little bit more, to the point where some days, he can’t even remember the sound of her voice. 

“It hurts,” he admits. His talk with Dwalin earlier in the week has made him trust the older man in a way he never did before, and he feels more inclined to share personal things with him. “It hurts even more to know that the memories are becoming less real.”

“I think that’s unfortunately common,” Dwalin says, and he heads for his office door, motioning for Kili to follow him. 

They exit the office and head down the hallway, bypassing the gym that has all sorts of muscular men and women working out on treadmills or lifting weights. Dwalin leads him into a small training room, the floor covered in blue mats. 

“All right, little one,” Dwalin quips with a grin, lightly shoving Kili’s shoulder. “Let’s see what we’re working with here. Try to take me down.”

Kili stares at him dubiously. “Isn’t that sort of advanced?” He asks, self-consciously rubbing a bicep. “I’m honestly a wimp, Dwalin!”

“Come on,” Dwalin encourages, planting his feet on the mat. He’s dressed in light grey sweat pants, and a white t-shirt that has no problems hugging every muscle that he’s got. “Try to take me down, or at least push me off the mat.”

Kili huffs out a sigh and crouches down like he’s seen fighters do in movies. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, circling Dwalin slowly. He lunges forward without warning, wrapping his arms around Dwalin’s waist and digging his shoulder into Dwalin’s side, pushing as hard as he can. 

Dwalin doesn’t even budge.

Kili pulls off, already breathing a little faster. He scowls up at Dwalin and says, “I told you that was too advanced for me.”

“You’ve got to start somewhere,” Dwalin instructs. “Drop and give me twenty.”

Kili’s jaw drops in protest. “What? Why! That’s bullshit!”

“I told you to push me off the mat and you failed. We’re going to go at this until you can get me off the mat.”

“So unfair,” Kili grumbles, dropping to the ground and he begins to do his pushups. It makes his arms burn, and so he tries to do them half assed, but Dwalin plants his foot right on Kili’s ass and presses down lightly. 

“Keep proper formation,” he admonishes. 

“You’re such a tough ass,” Kili pants, the extra weight causing his arms to work even harder. “Is this what you put your fighters through? I feel sorry for them. How does anyone like you?”

“Trust me, nobody likes me,” Dwalin says dryly. 

Kili pauses, turning his head so he can look up at you. “I like you,” he says softly. 

Dwalin rolls his eyes, but there’s a pleased little smile playing around the corner of his lips. “Stop slacking off, you’ve got ten left. We’ll try pushing me again, if you can at least budge me two steps, I’ll be happy.”

Kili finishes the last of his pushups and Dwalin takes his foot away, letting Kili bounce back up on his feet, shaking out his limbs before he settles into a crouch again. “Okay, this time I’m going to get you,” he promises. 

He breathes out slowly, counting his breaths as his heartbeat slows and synchs up with the rhythm of his breathing. He circles Dwalin slowly, his eyes tracking the older man’s face, and he waits until he’s come around to Dwalin’s left side – his weaker one – before he lunges. He wraps his arms around Dwalin’s waist and pushes as hard as he can, pressing all of his body weight against Dwalin’s hip. Dwalin wavers slightly, but remains unmoved so Kili lifts his leg and tries to sweeps Dwalin’s right leg out from under him. 

The movement isn’t enough to fell him, but he does stumble, and Kili advances quickly. He pushes with renewed effort, managing to get Dwalin down on to one knee. Dwalin is laughing uproariously at this point, and Kili wraps himself completely around Dwalin like an octopus, and drags him down to the mat, succeeding in getting him down. 

“Yes!” Kili shouts, straddling Dwalin’s thighs, and he pumps his arms victoriously, grinning down at him. “I win, you lose!”

“Is that so?” That’s all the warning he gets before Dwalin is suddenly twisting his hips, knocking Kili off of him and he rolls on top of him, pinning Kili’s chest down with his hand, and Kili’s hips down with his own weight. “I’m pretty sure you just get bested, little one.”

Kili blinks up at him, partly in shock from the sudden movement, and partly because Dwalin is settled right where he shouldn’t be, and holy fuck – he’s getting hard. Why does this happen? Why does this have to happen to _him_?

“I don’t think so,” he argues breathlessly, attempting to act like nothing is happening. He begins to wriggle his hips in the hope that he’ll be able to buck Dwalin off of him, but Dwalin clenches his thighs around Kili’s skinny hips and holds him more firmly. 

“You might as well admit I win,” Dwalin chuckles. “I’m not going to let you up until you do.”

Kili needs to get Dwalin off of him right this very second, or it’s going to become extremely awkward very quickly. He struggles harder, but that only means he’s pressing against Dwalin even more, and holy fuck, can’t Dwalin _feel_ this? Kili doesn’t think he’s ever been so hard in his life before. 

The heat between Dwalin’s thighs is pressed tightly against his own, and before Kili can even realize what he’s doing, he’s no longer consciously struggling to get free. Instead, he’s rolling his hips against Dwalin’s, his breath coming in sharp pants and his eyes wide. 

At the action, Dwalin immediately stills himself, staring down at Kili with pure shock written all over his face, his own eyes blown wide. “Kili…” he says, helplessly. 

Kili feels a hot flush come over his entire body and he shoves as hard as he can, knocking Dwalin right off of him. He clambers to his feet and flees the training room, the door slamming behind him. He feels hot and cold all at once, he feels like he’s going to be sick and he desperately wants to come. 

Once again, he’s ruined everything.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fiddles with the angst knob*

Jesus Christ. 

Dwalin exhales slowly and rubs his face, forcing himself to his feet. His cock is throbbing between his legs, and how the fuck did he let them get to this point? The moment Kili knocked him down, he should have let it go. He should have helped Kili to his feet and instructed him to try again. Why did he ever think it was a smart idea to roll on top of Kili, who is _seventeen years old_. 

Kili is hardly in control of his hormones, he can’t blame him for having a physical reaction to their close proximity. What is Dwalin’s excuse, though?

He presses the heel of his hand against his dick roughly until it hurts, and his erection begins to fade away. Once he’s brought himself back under control, he hurries to his office, hoping that Kili hasn’t had the chance to leave yet. He needs to talk to him, reassure him or something. 

Just as he reaches his office door, it’s thrown open and Kili hurries out, skidding to a stop before he runs directly into Dwalin. He’s dressed in his street clothes again, and he flinches back from Dwalin, his face red. 

Dwalin feels sick, but he takes Kili by the elbow and steers him back into the office, shutting the door behind them because he doesn’t want Tauriel to overhear any of this. He makes sure to step away from Kili, though, giving him space, and he holds his hands up. “Kili, we need to talk about what happened.”

“Don’t,” Kili interrupts him sharply, and he looks like he’s going to start crying. “It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either,” Dwalin says gently, swallowing thickly. “It’s a human reaction, it’s completely normal.”

“This is why I’m perverted,” Kili mutters, and he drops his gaze to the floor. “It’s _not_ a normal reaction, it’s just me being a fag, being a disgusting fag – ” his voice breaks on the ugly word. 

“You are _not_ disgusting,” Dwalin says forcefully, reaching out to lift Kili’s chin to look at him. “We are both two grown men with sexual appetites. It’s not a surprise that it happened. I should have been thinking better and avoided the situation.”

He should have seen Kili’s reaction coming, he’s seventeen, but he certainly hadn’t expected his own. 

“Can we please still continue to train?” Kili asks, wrenching his jaw away from Dwalin’s touch, and Dwalin drops his hand to his side. “I still want to get some muscles. I promise I won’t react like this again.”

“Of course we can still train,” Dwalin says, sighing in relief. A part of him wants to ask Kili to not tell anyone about this, especially Thorin, but the idea of actually telling Kili to keep it secret makes it seem even dirtier than it actually was. It was just an accident, that’s all. 

“I’m sorry,” Kili mutters, finally looking up at him, and against Dwalin’s better judgment, he pulls Kili in for a loose hug. Kili is stiff against him for a moment, and Dwalin is just about to pull away when Kili suddenly relaxes and melts in against him. 

Breathing deeply, Dwalin closes his eyes and focuses on the sound of Kili’s heartbeat. As long as nothing changes, as long as Kili doesn’t look at him any differently, or think any less of him, they’ll be okay. 

Dwalin won’t accept anything else.

***

It’s taking every ounce of self-control that Kili possesses to not lick a hot strip up Dwalin’s throat to mouth kisses along his hairy jaw. The older man smells slightly sweaty with faded cologne still prominent in the hollow of his throat where Kili’s face is pressed. It’s a delicious combination that is assaulting Kili’s senses.

He knows that he should pull away, the hug has gone on longer than what is socially acceptable, especially after what just happened, but Dwalin’s arms are still firm around his waist, keeping Kili locked in against his solid chest. 

When did he come so attracted to Dwalin?

Why didn’t he see this coming?

“How was your first week of school?” Dwalin asks, and his voice is a low rumble in his chest. The vibrations give Kili shivers down to the tip of his toes. 

“Azog has been leaving me alone, for the most part. I guess today was an exception, though,” he replies, his voice muffled against Dwalin’s chest, but he makes no attempt to move. “I mean, he still says things every single day, but I’m getting better at tuning his words out.”

Dwalin’s hand cups the back of his neck, his thumb pressing into the curve of Kili’s skull, massaging slowly. Kili swallows the whimper that threatens to slip out. Dwalin is pressing all of the right buttons, and Kili is still hard from before. He wants to straddle Dwalin’s thigh and grind until he comes.

“Good, I’m glad he’s starting to leave you alone,” Dwalin says, and he releases Kili, stepping back away from him. “He has no right to touch you. I get that he’s a kid himself, and probably comes from a troubled home, but Christ, I was going to hurt him.”

Kili already misses the warmth of the older man, but he forces himself to not surge forward. “I’m not worth the trouble you’d get into,” he says. “Just teach me how to be strong and I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll teach you,” Dwalin promises. 

There’s nothing really else to say after that, and Kili knows that he needs to leave before he does something stupid. He feels confused and tense, his stomach is a mess of jumbled nerves. He bids Dwalin a hasty goodbye and makes a quick exit. Once he’s home, he paces the apartment, relieved for the silence. 

All his life, growing up, there had been Dwalin. He had always been Thorin’s friend that would sometimes show up for family holiday meals, and sometimes he wouldn’t. He was like a second uncle to them, the second uncle they were supposed to have if Thorin and Dis’ older brother had lived through the scarlet fever at the age of three. 

He has been taught his entire life that Dwalin is like a family member to him, and yet, right now he feels nothing familial for him. It doesn’t help that everything he ever thought he knew about Dwalin is wrong now. Dwalin is like him, Dwalin is gay, something Kili never had any inkling about before. 

Obviously his gaydar is broken. 

He’s still hard. Every time he thinks about that thick length that had been pressed between his thighs, his arousal flares up again. Dwalin had said it was a normal human reaction, but given that he’s still hard just thinking about it, doesn’t that mean that it’s not just a reaction and that he is actually attracted to Dwalin? If it had been a reaction just from being pressed against another body, it should have already faded. And yet, he can’t stop thinking about it, and imagining how it could have gone farther, and how it would have felt. 

He heads into the bathroom and shuts the door, locking it. He turns the shower on and strips as he waits for the water to heat up. He climbs in and lets the water sluice down his chest and hips as his mind races. He knows that he should be having an anxiety attack, because these feelings churning inside of him are life-changing, but instead all he can do is picture kissing Dwalin. The older man would hold him down and lick into his mouth. The coarse beard would brush against his own naked cheeks, leaving the most satisfying burn behind. 

He hesitates before he reaches for Dwalin’s body wash and he squirts a liberal amount into his palm. Once he does this, there’s no going back. He swallows hard and wraps his hand around his dick, beginning to stroke it slowly. The thought of Dwalin sliding his warm, wet tongue into Kili’s mouth, slowly exploring and pulling sounds from him only makes him harder, and the thoughts make his dick twitch. 

And when he finally does come, the air around him is thick with the scent of Dwalin, and it’s Dwalin’s hand he’s picturing around his cock.

***

Dwalin doesn’t want to go back to the apartment, but he knows that he can’t stay away forever. He waits until it’s after seven, because he’s pretty sure that Thorin will be home by then. While he drags out the time, he logs into Grindr to idly check what’s new. He knows it’s stupid, he hasn’t gone on there in months, but after today, he needs to remind himself that he’s a grown man.

He sets up a date for eight, and then heads inside the apartment. It’s quiet, with only the TV murmuring in the background as Thorin sits on the couch, papers strewn about him and a pinched look on his face. 

“What’s got your panties in a knot?” Dwalin says, dropping his gym bag on the floor and he goes to sit heavily in the arm chair. Kili, thankfully, is nowhere to be found. 

“Oh, just a troublesome account,” Thorin says, rifling through the stack of papers on his left and he sighs. “It’ll be fine. How was your day?”

“Fine, just fine,” Dwalin says, and wonders if it will look too suspicious if he asks where Kili is. Which is stupid, of course. Thorin has no idea what happened, unless Kili suddenly chose to break his two-year streak of secrecy and confide in his uncle. “Where’s Kili?”

“He’s in his room,” Thorin replies, and he glances up at Dwalin. “Did you eat? There’s some lasagna in the kitchen, if you’re hungry. Garlic bread too, unless Kili filched the last slice.”

“Thanks, but I don’t need to eat. I’m going out in an hour,” he replies. He needs to shower and get dressed, but he’s not really looking forward to the date. It’s going to be a disaster, it’s never bound to be good if he’s reluctant before the date has even started. 

“You’re going out?”

“Yeah, I’ve actually got a date,” Dwalin says, and there’s a thump to the right. He swings his head to see Kili standing outside his bedroom door, his eyes wide. He recovers well, though, rolling his eyes and disappearing into the kitchen. His hair is still damp, the back of his t-shirt wet, and Dwalin drags his eyes away from him. 

“Wait,” Thorin sets his papers down and stares at him. “You’ve actually got yourself a date? When’s the last time that happened?”

“It hasn’t been that long,” Dwalin says, rolling his eyes. He pushes himself to his feet as Kili sidles into the living room, a piece of toast stuffed in his mouth. “I’ve got to shower.”

He disappears into the bathroom and makes his shower brief, washing his beard and scrubbing his body down. His stomach hurts, but he can’t pin point a reason as to why. It’s almost like he’s nervous, which is completely ridiculous. He did nothing wrong, it was an _accident_. They’re going to put it behind them and hopefully never mention it again. Dwalin’s going to go on his date and who knows, maybe this Bofur character will be the one for him. 

Then he could finally move out and begin to have a normal life. 

He dresses in a tighter pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt, tucking it into the waistband of his pants. He shrugs a plaid shirt on and buttons it up half way, and then carefully brushes out his beard and applies a little gel to it so it lays nicely against his face. He rubs a hand over his shaved head and stares at himself in his bedroom mirror. 

He looks stupid. 

However, it’s quarter to eight, and if he’s going to make it to the pub on time, then he needs to leave. He slides his phone and wallet into a back pocket, as well as a condom and packet of lube. Heading out of his room, Thorin hasn’t moved from his spot on the couch, and Kili has taken up residency on the arm chair. 

“All right, I’m out,” he says, mostly to Thorin, and unable to meet Kili’s eyes. 

“Okay,” Thorin says, not looking up from his calculator as his fingers fly over the buttons.

“Where are you going?” Kili finally asks, and Dwalin busies himself with sliding his shoes on so he doesn’t have to look at him. 

“Just to the local watering hole,” he says, grabbing his keys and leaving. “Don’t wait up.”

It’s a little cold and callous, but Dwalin has got to take a step back and reinforce that their relationship is nothing more than adult and teenager, that Kili is Thorin’s nephew and Dwalin is more of a guardian to him than an option. Of course, it’s a little presumptuous of Dwalin to be assuming that Kili is even dreaming of him in such a way. 

It had been an honest mistake, and after today, everything is going to go back to normal. 

Bofur is already waiting for him when he gets there, and he’s relieved to see that the guy looks pretty much like he did in his profile picture. He’s got an easy going smile on his face, and he stands up from his wooden seat when Dwalin approaches the table.

“Hey, I’m Bofur,” he says, and he sticks his hand out. 

Dwalin stares at it before he shakes it, and he can safely say that he’s never shook a date’s hand before. He thinks Kili would probably find that funny, and then scowls. He has no business thinking of Kili right now. 

“I’m Dwalin,” he says, releasing his hand and he sits down. “Thanks for meeting me.”

“It was no problem,” Bofur says, and he slides into his own seat. He’s already got a beer that’s half drank, and Dwalin feels a flash of irritation at that. Who starts drinking before the date even arrives? 

“So, are you from around here?” Dwalin asks, drumming his fingers nervously on the table top. He’s rubbish at this, he hasn’t gone on a date in years. There’s a reason he’s single. 

“Born out west in the prairies, but I came here the moment I graduated from high school,” Bofur says, and he takes another gulp of his beer. “The prairies are no place for a gay boy.”

“No, I can imagine not,” Dwalin says, wondering where the hell the damn waitress is. He’d like to be drinking beer too. “I came down here for university and then never left. What do you do for a living?”

“I work at a toy shop,” Bofur says, grinning at him. “It’s a little slow sometimes, but the Christmas rush usually makes up for the rest of it.”

“Retail, that must be fun,” Dwalin says, and then feels bad for being a judgmental prick. He shouldn’t consider himself so lofty when he struggles to make rent as well. There’s no glory in owning your own business, that’s for sure. 

“It’s a right pickle most of the time,” Bofur says cheerfully. “But it’s my brother’s store, and so I don’t mind. We’re a family business, the pair of us and our cousin. It makes everything a bit better.”

“What can I get you?”

Dwalin looks up at the waitress and smiles. “Just a Michelob Ultra, please,” he says, because he’s so used to drinking light beer now. He waits until she walks away before he adds, “A family business, that would be nice. My older brother is an accountant, and I’ve never had a head for sums, so that wouldn’t have worked for us.”

They move on after that to discuss Dwalin’s gym, and then focus on hobbies. Once Dwalin realizes that Bofur is a big fan of Star Wars, the conversation flows a lot easier after that. They debate about the purpose of the prequels, and then rank the moves in order of best to worst. 

“You’re mad!” Dwalin says with a laugh. “There is no way that _The Force Awakens_ is better than _The Empire Strikes Back_! The originals are the classics! _The Force_ is better than the prequels, I’ll give you that, but better than the originals?”

“I like it the best, it’s the most entertaining one!” Bofur says, and he’s still grinning. “I consider the best one to the one that I go back and watch the most, and so far it’s that one.”

“It’s hardly been out,” Dwalin argues. “You can’t compare a movie that’s been out for less than five years to be better than movies that have been out for almost _forty_ years!”

His phone buzzes, and when he glances at it, he’s surprised to see that it’s already close to midnight. The evening has flown by, and he’s actually had a really enjoyable time. He had come out tonight to get away from Kili and to remind himself that he’s a normal adult, and it’s worked. He’s actually had a really great time, and he’s determined to see Bofur again. 

“I should go,” he says, because now that he knows the time, he’s feeling tired. “I’ve got to work tomorrow morning, otherwise I’d suggest we keep this going a little longer.”

“It’s been really nice,” Bofur says, and he pays for their tab just like a gentleman. They walk outside and despite the time, the air is still muggy from the heat. “We should go this again sometime.”

Dwalin stops on the sidewalk beside the pub, the music still spilling out over the sidewalk. The heat warms his skin, and there’s something about Bofur’s smile that makes him feel intrigued. 

_This cage round my heart locked up what I meant to say, what I felt all along the way; just wondering how come I couldn’t take your breath away…_

“I’d like that,” Dwalin says, and genuinely means it. “Here’s my number.”

They exchange numbers, and then after a brief hesitation, they exchange a slow kiss that heats Dwalin right in his gut, a low simmering sensation to keep him warm throughout the rest of the night. He makes his way home after that, unable to wipe the smile off of his face. 

He creeps into the apartment, but the living room light is still on. Kili’s sitting in the arm chair, his head resting against his arms as he sleeps, the TV playing quietly in the background. Something heavy sinks in his gut, dousing the low arousal that he had been feeling. It’s clear that Kili waited up for him, or at least tried to. 

He feels bad, but he shouldn’t. He has no reason to feel guilty for going on a date that he deserved, and for actually enjoying himself. He’s thirty-three, and for all he knows, Bofur could be the one that he’s meant to be with. He steels his resolve and locks the front door and tip toes into his bedroom, shutting it without a sound. Kili is young, and has clearly developed a puppy crush on Dwalin because he found out he was gay and they had one unfortunate situation together. 

It’ll go away, in time. 

The next morning Dwalin rises early since he’s responsible for opening the gym. It’s just after five-thirty when he leaves his bedroom, and Kili is still sleeping in the chair. Dwalin winces, because the way he’s sleeping can’t be comfortable and he’s going to get a crick in his neck. Against his better judgement, he lays his hand against Kili’s shoulder and gives him a gentle shake. 

“Kili,” he says, clearing his throat and shaking him a bit harder. “Kili, wake up. You need to go sleep in your own bed.”

Kili jerks awake against him, and he peers up at Dwalin. His face droops as he sees him, and he mutters, “You just getting home?”

“No, I’ve been home for ages,” Dwalin says, refusing to focus on the implication of his words. “I’m leaving for work. Go to bed.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Kili says sullenly, but he seems a bit chipper from Dwalin’s response, and he drags himself from the chair and disappears into his bedroom. 

Dwalin watches him go and then leaves the apartment, his stomach churning. It’s awkward, but it’s already a bit better than it was yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than it was today. All they need is a little time, and they’ll get back to their regular selves in no time at all. 

It’s mid-afternoon by the time that the Saturday rush has died down. There’s a few regulars still working out, but Dwalin has left most of the work to his employee to handle, and he’s in the back training room where it all happened with Kili. He’s disinfecting the mats though, scrubbing them down and the smell of vinegar is heavy in the air. He’s got ear buds in, AC/DC blaring in his ears as he works. He’s not disturbed until there’s a gentle touch to his shoulder, and he jerks around to see Kili standing there. 

“Hey,” he says, pulling the ear buds out. He has a sinking feeling about this, Kili is dressed in loose black sweats and a black t-shirt, his hair pulled back into a bun. “What’s up?”

“I was hoping we could train,” Kili says, and there’s two red spots on his cheeks again. “Without any awkwardness, this time.”

“I’m a bit busy today,” Dwalin hedges, because he’s not entirely certain that he’s ready to try this again so soon, not the day after everything had happened. 

“I spoke to Rad and he told me you weren’t busy at all,” Kili says stubbornly. “Look, you’re the one who said that it was a normal body reaction and that it wasn’t a big deal. So obviously further training shouldn’t be an issue, right?”

“Well…”

“Right?” Kili presses, his mouth a flat line. “Unless you weren’t honest and yesterday was something we should continue discussing?”

“Jesus,” Dwalin mutters, tossing the rag down into the bucket of soapy water. “Are you going to keep harping until I give in?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kili says, but it’s with a poorly hidden smile. He jumps in place, shaking out his arms. “Come on, I’m ready to learn.”

“Fine,” Dwalin says, against his better judgment, and Christ. Lately it seems like everything has been against his better judgment, which must mean he doesn’t have any at all. 

He sets the bucket down in the corner, out of their way so that they don’t knock it over, and he makes Kili haul the damp mat over to the corner to dry out. Then he has Kili rummage around in the storage room and haul out two other mats, laying them down and velcroing them together. He’s breathing harder by the time he finishes, bracing his hands on his thighs from where he’s kneeling on the floor. 

“Like this?” He asks, jutting his head towards the mats. 

“Yeah, that’s good,” Dwalin says, circling around him. “Now give me fifty pushups. We’re going to start with a lot of upper body exercises in order to bulk up those muscles of yours. After you’re done those, we’ll start on the reclined rhomboid squeezes.”

The lesson finishes without any hitches, or without Dwalin having to touch Kili in any shape or form. He sends Kili home, sweating and panting, but feeling a little more confident with himself. Dwalin himself is beginning to feel a little more confident. It’s back to normal, and it hardly took any time at all.

***

“Are you going out this evening?”

Kili looks up from his position on the couch where he’s been idly flipping through a novel that he’s supposed to be reading for English class. He can’t be bothered to actually read it, though, and there’s no movie version of it. He’ll have to try and google it later, since he as nothing else to do on a Friday night. He shrugs his shoulders at Thorin, because since when does he go out on the weekends? It’s not like he has friends, and unless Fili went out with him, he stayed home. 

It’s been three weeks since Fili left, and Kili thinks it’s safe to assume that he’ll be home on the weekends for the rest of the year. 

“No,” he finally says once he realizes that Thorin is still waiting for an answer. 

“I’m going to aim to get home around six,” Thorin says, slipping his suit jacket on. “I thought maybe we could order pizza and watch a movie together.”

“Sure, I guess,” Kili says, wrinkling his nose. They don’t really hang out like that on the weekends, Kili usually stays in his room and leaves the TV to Thorin and Dwalin fight over. “What about Dwalin?”

“He’s going out with Bofur again,” Thorin says, sliding a packet of papers into his brief case. “He probably won’t be home all night.”

Kili swallows the snarl that wants to slip out. It’s been a week since everything that happened, and he’s done his best to go back to normal and to stop thinking about Dwalin in any sort of way that he shouldn’t. It’s been hard, though, because this puppy crush has suddenly exploded into something that won’t get out of his head, and he keeps daydreaming about all sorts of impossible scenarios. 

He doesn’t know Bofur, but he already hates him. 

“I know I’ve been really busy at work lately,” Thorin’s still talking, and Kili tunes back in. “With Fili being gone, you’ve kind of been on your own for a lot of it, and I’m sorry. So I thought tonight would be a good night for us to hang out.”

“I haven’t been completely alone, I’ve had Dwalin,” he says before he can stop himself. He forces himself not to blush, because as far as he knows, Dwalin didn’t tell Thorin about what happened, and Kili sure as hell won’t. 

“Of course, you’ve had Dwalin, but now he’s got Bofur, and so I thought it might be good for us to reconnect.” Thorin offers him a hesitant smile. 

“…Sure,” Kili says, after a beat of silence, giving Thorin a tight smile. “It’ll be fun,” he adds, believing the exact opposite. 

“Great!” Thorin says, and he gives Kili an enthusiastic smile. “I’ll order the pizza, and you can pick whatever movie you want. Now, you should get to school before you’re late, and I should certainly be off to work.”

Kili follows his uncle out of the house and takes the opposite bus as him. The day crawls by, and his jaw hurts by the time the final bell rings because he’s had his mouth clenched all day, resisting the urge to tell Azog and his Orcs off. He makes a quick exit before they can track him down, and enjoys the empty apartment for a bit before Thorin gets home. 

He’s still flushed from jerking off when Thorin shuts the front door behind himself and drops his brief case on to the floor. He peels over his suit jacket and drapes it over the edge of the couch, sighing hard as he rubs a hand over his face. 

“Did you decide what movie you’d like to watch?” He asks, bypassing any sort of proper greeting. He must have had a long day, he looks really tired. “Pizza should be here in the hour.”

Kili drags himself off the couch and over to the bookcase in the corner that is overflowing with movies. Most of them belong to Dwalin, but he has terrible taste and Kili doesn’t like majority of them. He flicks through them slowly, not really in the mood to watch anything, but since Thorin rarely makes an effort with him anymore, Kili knows he should at least try. Hidden in the back is his stack, and that’s where he finds _Velvet Goldmine_, an old movie that Kili had obsessed with when he first realized he was gay. 

Fili had found a DVD copy of it for his sixteenth birthday, and they had watched it as a family, just the three of them. It had made Thorin incredibly uncomfortable, which makes Kili grab it off the shelf and slides it into the DVD player. 

Thorin sits down beside him, stretching one arm out along the back of the couch. Kili shuffles to the opposite site of the couch and leans his chin on his hand, remaining quiet as the movie begins. 

“What did you choose?” Thorin asks, withdrawing his arm. 

“_Velvet Goldmine_,” Kili says brightly, and he grins at Thorin. “Do you remember this one? We watched it once a couple of years ago.”

“Yes, I remember,” Thorin says bleakly. 

However, an hour later and they’re both engrossed in the storyline with majority of the pizza gone. Thorin pauses it as the front door opens and Dwalin walks in, still dressed in his gym clothes. Dwalin glances at the screen, which Thorin had paused on a very nude scene, and then blinks back at them. 

“What the hell are the pair of you watching?”

“_Velvet Goldmine_,” Kili says, keeping his gaze trained on the TV. It’s after seven and Dwalin is home, probably to shower and clean up before he goes out with stupid Bofur. “We left you pizza, in case you’re hungry.”

“Thanks,” Dwalin says, opening the cardboard box that has left a puddle of grease on the coffee table and he snags a cold slice. “I’ve heard of this movie, isn’t it a gay one?”

Kili can feel eyes trained on him, but he refuses to look at Dwalin. “It has a variety of storylines in it,” Kili retorts, lifting his glass of Coke to his mouth to take a sip. “Don’t be stereotypical.”

“Just didn’t think it would your thing, Thorin.”

“I didn’t think so either, but it’s not a bad movie,” Thorin replies. “If you weren’t going out with Bofur, I’d say that you should stay and give it a chance.”

“He had to reschedule with me,” Dwalin says, sitting down in the arm chair and Kili finally sneaks a peek at him. The older man seems like he’s settling in to join them, and so Kili leans over Thorin to get to the remote and resume play. 

By the time the movie is over, the pizza is truly well gone, and Dwalin is four beers in. It’s actual beer too, Kili notes, and not the calorie wise shit that he usually drinks. Dwalin goes to pass Thorin another one, but Thorin waves it off and Dwalin sets it back down on the end table with a thump. Kili eyes it wistfully, wishing he was brave enough to just reach out and take it. 

He wishes he was brave enough for a lot of things. 

“I should go to bed,” Thorin says, checking his watch. “It’s after nine, and I’ve got to be at work early tomorrow to hopefully finalize a contract. Thanks for the good night, Kili. I had fun.”

“Me too,” Kili replies, surprised that he actually means it. It had been nice to spend some time with Thorin. “Thanks for making time for me.”

Thorin pauses, flushes, and then ruffles Kili’s hair like he does when he’s feeling affectionate with him. “I’ll do it more often,” he promises, and then lumbers into his bedroom and shuts the door. 

The room is silent. Kili stands up from the couch and he stretches, making himself as tall as he can be. His shirt rides above his pants, and he freezes when he senses Dwalin is staring at the patch of skin that he’s revealed. He stays still for a minute longer, letting Dwalin drink his fill before he settles back down in his bare feet. 

Dwalin looks away, staring at the black TV. 

“What did you think?” Kili asks quietly, wandering over to the arm chair and he leans against it. 

“It wasn’t bad,” Dwalin says gruffly, and he continues to pointedly not look at Kili. “I didn’t realize there were so many big name actors in it. I was a bit lost though, probably would help to see the beginning.”

“We could watch the beginning,” Kili offers, eyeing the empty bottles of beer on the end table. “I mean, I like the movie, and I don’t mind watching it again.”

He’s pretty sure that Dwalin is going to say no. Despite Dwalin assuring him that everything was normal and that nothing had changed, he can tell that the older man has pulled away from him over the past week. Dwalin pushes himself to his feet, and Kili’s heart sinks. 

“Sure, that’d be fine,” Dwalin says, completely surprising him. “Get it started. I’m going to grab another beer, do you want one?”

Kili pauses, looking at him uncertainly. “You’re joking, right?”

Dwalin grins and plants his palm in the center of Kili’s chest, giving him a light shove so he falls into the chair. It’s warm from where Dwalin’s weight had been, and Kili leans further back into it. 

“Your uncle is in bed, and I’m not your parent. I don’t care,” Dwalin says with a smirk. 

“Then yeah, obviously,” Kili says, clambering out of the chair and he goes back to the couch where the remote is. He gets the movie keyed up, and settles in the spot he had originally been in, hoping that Dwalin will join him on the couch, rather than return to the arm chair. 

He’s not disappointed. The older man comes back into the living room and crosses the worn carpet to hand Kili a cold beer. He lowers his broad frame right down beside him, and cracks his beer open, and then uses the opener to open Kili’s. He clinks their bottles together as the movie begins to play. 

“Cheers,” he says. 

“Cheers,” Kili repeats. Dwalin is acting completely different than he’s been all week, but Kili isn’t about to argue. He’s actually being nice now. He leans forward to grab the remote from the coffee table to turn the volume up, and the movement surreptitiously moves him closer to Dwalin. Their arms brush as Kili lifts the bottle to his mouth and takes a long swallow. It tastes disgusting. “It’s good,” he says. 

“It’s an acquired taste,” Dwalin says as he takes a pull of his own, his eyes trained on the movie. 

Since he really had just watched the movie, he spends the first hour of it watching Dwalin out of the corner of his eye. Dwalin seems to be actually enjoying it, laughing when it’s funny, and mouth pulled into a pinch during the serious bits. During a particular scene, Dwalin swallows hard and leans further back into the couch, his legs falling open. 

By the time the second hour of the movie rolls on, Kili has shifted far enough over that he’s firmly pressed against Dwalin’s side. He had finished his own beer, and is now taking long swallows from Dwalin’s bottle, Dwalin tipping it up further to help him catch every last drop. He pulls the bottle out of his mouth with a wet pop and blinks at Dwalin, whose watching him carefully. 

Kili can feel his face heat up under the scrutiny. 

“I think I like beer,” he says, licking his bottom lip slowly to catch a stray drop. It’s still a bit sour for his liking, but it makes his mind pleasantly fuzzy, giving him bravery he normally lacks. 

“You look like you’re enjoying it,” Dwalin says, and his eyes are glassy. “Do you want another one?”

“Oh god, yes,” Kili groans, perhaps with more purpose than he intended, but it does the job because Dwalin’s eyes flicker to his lips before moving back up to his eyes. 

“I’ll get you one,” he says, sliding off the couch and lumbering into the kitchen. Kili immediately misses the warmth of him, but he’s back in a matter of moments, carrying two more beers and a box of Thin Mints. He sits down in his original position, and opens the box of cookies, offering it out to Kili. 

Kili hesitates before he leans in and opens his mouth, keeping his hand tucked down at his sides. Dwalin starts beside him, but he recovers not before long, and slides a cookie out of the packet and between Kili’s lips. Kili curls his tongue out to claim the sugary treat, his tongue brushing against Dwalin’s finger before he pulls back and begins to chew. 

Dwalin doesn’t take his eyes off of Kili as he eats his own cookie. There is so much tension between them, Kili can practically hear it sizzling in the air over the movie volume. Kili can’t break his gaze away, not when Dwalin is staring at him with so much heat in his gaze. His stomach is churning with nerves, this reminds him too much of last week when they had trained together and Dwalin had straddled his lap. 

Kili had been helplessly aroused then, and he’s helplessly aroused now. 

The eye contact breaks when Dwalin fumbles the package of cookies and it drops on to the floor. He swears and holds his cookie between his teeth and he leans forward to find the box. His fingers swipe on the carpet under the coffee table, trying to find it, and Kili shuts his mind off. He doesn’t let himself stop to think of the repercussions, instead he just lets himself react. He leans forward and bites the cookie right out of Dwalin’s mouth, their lips brushing together. 

Dwalin immediately freezes beside him, his hand still hovering in the air over the cookie box. His body jerks, like he’s about to move away – stand up, lean back, Kili doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s already gone this far – he’s dipped his toe into the water, and he might as well dive in. 

He’s never done anything by halves. 

He curls his hand into the material of Dwalin’s t-shirt and drags him forward, covering his mouth with his own. Dwalin’s mouth had been open, and Kili doesn’t hesitate in trying to lick inside like he’s seen it done in the pornos. The kiss tastes of sour beer and minty chocolate, of doubt and curiosity that is sure to kill the cat. It doesn’t deter Kili though, and he tilts his head to the side, trying to get a better angle. 

His movement breaks the spell, though, because Dwalin pushes him back, and his eyes are wide and his face pale. His voice is hoarse when he speaks, saying, “What do you think you’re doing?”

Kili can’t tell if he’s angry or not, but he hasn’t moved away, and so he leans in a little further. “It’s okay,” he whispers, keeping his grip on Dwalin. “Dwalin, please.”

“Stop, you’re seventeen,” Dwalin says, but his voice wavers. Kili senses that his resolve is weakening, probably due to the alcohol. If Kili was a better person, he’d lean back and let Dwalin go to his room. If Kili was an excellent person, he’d be the first to apologize and leave. 

But he’s not any of those things, he’s only himself, and he wants this. 

“It’s okay,” he says again, and he leans in to cover Dwalin’s mouth with his own once more. 

This time, Dwalin doesn’t deny him. This time, Dwalin lifts a shaky hand to cover Kili’s jaw, and he tilts his head slightly to the left. The new angle is suddenly perfect, and Dwalin’s lips are moving against his own. Dwalin’s thick tongue curls wetly around Kili’s own, and this is why it pays to be selfish. 

He _deserves_ this.

***

_You must stop this madness. You are the adult here, and it is your duty to end this!_

His hand feels so broad against Kili’s jaw, the bones feel so fragile under his grip. He feels like he could snap him in half, if he really tried. He swallows the whimper that Kili makes, and presses his thumb down on Kili’s neck, feeling the flutter of his pulse. 

He wants to positively devour him. 

He pulls back, wet and slick, and filled with remorse. “You’re drunk,” he says, realizing that he has done not only himself a disserve by plying them with alcohol all night, but Kili as well. “You should go to bed.”

“I’m not drunk, I had two beers,” Kili protests, and he doesn’t move an inch away from Dwalin. “I’m maybe a little tipsy, but that’s it. I know what I’m doing, and I don’t regret any of it.”

“You should,” Dwalin says, and his stomach rolls rebelliously. He’s thirty-three, what right does he have to take advantage of a drunk teenager? Kili might consider himself sober enough to consent, but that’s not the point. Regardless of how much alcohol they have had, Kili is a minor and Dwalin has no right to be touching him. 

What if Thorin had caught them?

Dwalin pushes himself to his feet, swaying slightly as he fights the dizziness that sweeps over him. He hasn’t had enough to eat today to compliment the amount of drinks he has had. He is definitely drunk, but that is hardly an excuse for his actions. He’s a monster. It doesn’t matter that Kili is just a few months shy of being legal age, he is Thorin’s nephew, and Dwalin has violated his trust. 

“Go to bed and I’ll clean up,” he says, careful to pronounce each word. His tongue feels thick and heavy in his mouth, and he can’t stop thinking about how it had felt to slide it along Kili’s. 

He’s expecting a fight, because it seems like Kili has done nothing but fight since he moved here. However, the boy simply stands up from the couch, his normally mischievous eyes solemn, but a tiny smile that plays around the corner of his lips is encouraging enough. 

“All right,” Kili says, and he leans up to give Dwalin a brief, chaste kiss before he pulls away and heads down the short hallway. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Dwalin murmurs faintly. 

Kili’s bedroom door shuts, and Dwalin stands there blankly for a moment before his body kicks into action. He turns the TV off and straightens out the pillows on the couch, putting the remote away. He carries the empty bottles into the kitchen and rinses them as if he’s on auto-pilot, his mind whirling. He sets the pizza box by the rest of the recycling and turns off the lights, hastening to his own bedroom. 

The moment he’s locked in his own privacy his mind seems to re-boot, and it’s that moment that he realizes he’s achingly hard. He shoves the thought away, because it’s wrong, and he doesn’t deserve to bring himself any pleasure after what he’s done. Instead, he flicks on the lamp beside his bed and grabs his book to read. He boots up music on his phone, lowering the volume so it’s soft in the stillness of the air. 

_I believe in love, it’s all we got. Love has no boundaries, no borders to cross, love is simple…_ Elton John sings, and Dwalin nearly throws his phone across the room in his haste to turn it off. He doesn’t want to hear about love right now, not when he still feels sick from what he’s done, and yet he’s still hard. 

Taking a deep breath, Dwalin pushes himself off the bed. He strips naked, leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor and crawls into his double bed. He fumbles around in his nightstand and pulls out the tube of slick he keeps in there. He squirts it into his palm and, after a moment of hesitation, begins to stroke his erection. 

Kili’s mouth had been so warm, wet, and eager. His tongue had been nervous, dancing around without a clue. It needed guidance, it had needed Dwalin to curl his own around it and coax it to life. That’s not all that had been coaxed to life – those sounds Kili had made, every single fucking whimper had sent electricity sparks whizzing down his spine. 

He groans, shoving his free hand into his mouth and he bites at it in an attempt to stifle his noises. Imagining Kili’s mouth isn’t doing him any favors – if anything, his mind is picturing that bratty mouth wrapped around his cock, Kili choking on his dick, finally silent. 

When he finally comes, it’s Kili’s name on his lips, and revulsion clouding his high. He’s brought low even as his cock dribbles a little more out. He wipes his hand and belly clean, and pulls the covers up high over his head. He feels like he’s about to be sick. Kili had been drunk, but so was he. He’s a grown man who drank too much alcohol and got into a compromising situation. It’s not like he is attracted to Kili is any sort of sense. He’s a teenager, and Thorin’s nephew. Dwalin’s drunk, and that’s all this is. Blame it on the alcohol, isn’t that how the song goes? In the morning, neither of them will even really remember any of it. 

It’ll all be fine, in the morning.


	6. Chapter 6

Most mornings, Kili will stumble out of his room, half dressed with his hair sticking up, sleep crusting his eyes and drool still dried on his chin. In all reality, Kili isn’t very attractive in the morning, because he’s never had a reason to be. It’s just Fili seeing him, or Thorin, or Dwalin. 

_Dwalin._

Saturday morning dawns bright and sunny, and Kili leaves his room already dressed in skin tight jeans and a tight Marvel t-shirt that shows off his developing biceps. His hair is brushed back, three braids resolutely tied in there, and he’s eaten an entire small pack of tic-tacs, just in case he runs into Dwalin before he can make it to the bathroom to brush the morning breath from his mouth. 

The apartment is silent, though, with both Thorin and Dwalin’s bedroom doors closed. Kili makes it into the bathroom and sets about finishing his routine. He combs the last of the tangles from his hair and brushed his teeth thoroughly, going so far to brush them twice. He cups his palm around his mouth and breathes, sniffing carefully. Satisfied, he leaves the bathroom and heads directly towards Dwalin’s room. It’s just after eight in the morning, and while Kili normally spends his weekend sleeping until noon, how can he possibly be thinking after everything that has happened?

He’s started a relationship with Dwalin!

He hesitates, unsure if he should knock or not, before he decides that if Dwalin really didn’t want him to come in, he would have locked the door, and so Kili slips inside carefully. Dwalin’s awake, sitting up in his bed with his pillows cushioned behind him and the blankets low on his hips. His chest is bare, and Kili immediately wants to reach out and touch all of the naked skin that is beckoning for his touch. He wants to wind his fingers through the dark hair on his chest, for it’s so different from his own. 

_The ground’s a long way down but I need more, is the nightmare really black or are the windows painted? Will they come again next week, can my mind really take it?_

Music is playing softly from Dwalin’s phone, and although Kili can’t place the song or the artist, he would be willing to put money on it being Elton John. Dwalin’s got an unhealthy obsession with his music, but now that they’ve started a relationship, Kili should probably get more invested in the music. 

Dwalin lowers the book he’s holding in his hand, and he looks at Kili with a completely blank expression. Kili has zero idea what he’s thinking, which is a little nerve wracking. He wishes Dwalin would at least smile at him or something to assure him that all is well. 

“Good morning,” Kili says, hesitating by the door. 

“What are you doing?” Dwalin finally says, his voice gruff with sleep and suspicion. 

“It’s Saturday, so I thought we could hang out,” Kili says, and he finally plucks up the courage to cross the room and sit on the edge of the bed by Dwalin’s feet. “Do you work today?”

He has the sense that Dwalin isn’t altogether pleased to see him this early in the morning, and he may be young, but he’s pretty certain that’s a look of regret flitting over Dwalin’s face. His stomach feels heavy, his skin prickled with apprehension. He can’t afford for Dwalin to tell him that he was a mistake, that Kili was nothing more than an accident. 

“Kili – ” Dwalin starts, but Kili can’t stand to hear him say no. He doesn’t want to receive a lecture, he wants them to return to how they were last night when everything had felt so _good_. 

“Don’t,” he says sharply, cutting Dwalin off. He jerks forward, crawling into Dwalin’s lap with a courage he didn’t know he possessed. He straddles his lap, cupping Dwalin’s face in his hands and he forces the older man to meet his gaze. “Don’t,” he says again, begging this time, and he leans down to cover Dwalin’s mouth with his own. 

Dwalin immediately wrenches his head away, and shakes it. “No, stop. We can’t do this. You need to get off of me.”

“You didn’t mind last night,” Kili says, and he leans down to press his lips against the soft curve of Dwalin’s throat. He can feel the older man swallowing hard, and he drags the tip of his tongue lightly across the skin and then breathes coolly on it. Dwalin’s skin immediately puckers into goose bumps, and Kili feels a hot flash of satisfaction strum through him. 

“I was drunk last night,” Dwalin says, and his hands have come down to grip Kili’s hips. He probably meant to push him away, but he hasn’t yet – he’s just holding on to him, and it’s beginning to turn him on. Of course, he’s seventeen, so everything turns him on. “_You_ were drunk last night.”

“I wasn’t drunk,” Kili argues. He had two beers, and even though he’s not used to drinking, he knows that wasn’t enough to get him drunk. He still remembers everything that has happened, and has replayed it in his mind over and over in crystal clear definition. “Why can’t you just admit that you want this?”

“You’re seventeen,” Dwalin says harshly, and his grip on Kili’s hips tightens until it’s almost painful. “This is wrong.”

“If it was wrong, then it wouldn’t feel so good,” Kili counters, and he brushes their lips together again. Dwalin keeps his mouth firmly closed, but he doesn’t move away again, and so Kili kisses him again and again until it’s finally him that has to pull away to inhale a shaky breath. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Dwalin mutters, but he’s _still_ holding on to him. 

“But what a way to go,” Kili murmurs, and is pleased when Dwalin lets out a sharp bark of startled laughter. His mouth is open, and Kili seizes his moment – leaning down to kiss him again, greedily devouring every inch of laughter from Dwalin’s mouth. 

The kiss immediately turns dirty, and Dwalin is moving his mouth against his own now. Dwalin’s hands are pulling Kili down, holding him closer, and he spreads his legs until he feels the burn in his thighs. Dwalin’s tongue is in his mouth, and Christ – Kili didn’t realize just how talented Dwalin was with his mouth. It makes his mind wander to other matters, and to other things that Dwalin could possibly do with it. He moans at the thought, shivering against him. 

Dwalin finally pulls away with a slick, wet sound that should gross Kili out, but it does the opposite. He nudges Kili back, and finally releases his hands from his hips. Kili hopes that he’ll have bruises tomorrow. 

“You need to go,” Dwalin finally says, hoarse and he won’t meet Kili’s gaze. “I have to get up for work, and I can hear your uncle in the kitchen.”

Kili slides off of his lap without complaint, because the last thing he needs is Thorin walking into the room and catching them. He doesn’t know how Thorin would react. He stands up and adjusts himself in his jeans, for they’ve grown tighter over the past couple of minutes. He’s not really ready to leave, and he’s wondering if there is a way that he can convince Dwalin to hang out with him today. He glances over at him, calculating. 

“No,” Dwalin says swiftly. 

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” Kili protests. 

“I can only imagine. I’m sure it was along the lines of suggesting I stay home from work and hang out with you,” Dwalin says with the satisfied smirk of a man who knows that he’s right.

_Damn._

“I was not,” Kili mutters, hating that he _sounds_ seventeen. 

There’s a loud thump on the door before Dwalin can reply, and then Thorin is pushing his way in, a frown already etched on his face. “Dwalin, do you know where – oh, there you are, Kili.”

“Here I am,” Kili repeats, making a face. “What?”

“Are you going out today at all?” Thorin fiddles with his tie, and Kili grins because that means that Thorin is going to work, and if he can manage to convince Dwalin to stay home, they’ll have a stretch of time alone together. 

“Are you going to work?” He asks, ignoring Thorin’s question altogether. 

“I know, I don’t want to go, but I’ve got to.” Thorin immediately turns apologetic like Kili knew he would. “I’m in the process of securing this very large account. If I’m successful in getting it, there will be some very big changes.”

“Like what?” Kili asks curiously, plopping down on the edge of Dwalin’s bed, looking up at Thorin. Would Thorin work even more if he got this account? He already works six days a week, sometimes Sunday afternoons if he’s particularly busy. “You’re going to work even more? I fail to see how that’s possible.”

Dwalin throws a pillow at his head, and Kili catches it, hugging it on his lap to cover his crotch. 

“I would be working more, among other things,” Thorin says carefully before he sighs and rubs his face. “Let’s not even discuss it right now. I might not even get the account, and I’m not going to raise my hopes just yet.”

“You’ll get it,” Dwalin says, retrieving his pillow and pulling it from Kili’s hold. “It sounds very exciting.”

“It would be amazing, it would be such an honor. It would guarantee a promotion, which would mean more money,” Thorin admits before he turns his attention back on to Kili. “I’m leaving now, and I’ll be gone for most of the day. I’ll try to be home around five or so, but I’ll call if my plans change. I left some money and a list on the counter for you, I need you to go to the store.”

“Yeah, okay,” Kili huffs out a sigh, but he doesn’t mind grocery shopping so he doesn’t complain too much. “Whatever.”

Thorin gives him another apologetic look before he leaves the room and Kili can hear the apartment door close behind him. Now that they’re properly alone, he doesn’t hesitate in crawling back into Dwalin’s lap. 

“No,” Dwalin says firmly, but he settles his hands on Kili’s hips, his thumb slipping up the hem of his shirt to rest against his bare skin. “I’m not staying home to baby-sit you.”

Kili squawks in affronted indignation. “You wouldn’t be _baby-sitting_ me,” he exclaims, swatting Dwalin’s bare chest. “I’m practically an adult, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. You would simply be… enjoying the pleasure of my company!”

Dwalin laughs harder at that then what is warranted, in Kili’s opinion. He scowls at him and reaches out to twist his left nipple sharply. Dwalin’s laughter is abruptly cut off with a sharp gasp, and his gaze instantly darkens, his eyes narrowing. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” He growls, and it doesn’t sound aroused but rather almost angry. 

“What do you think I’m doing?” Kili counters, rubbing his thumb slowly over the bud in a silent apology. 

Dwalin reaches up and grabs Kili’s wrist, squeezing it so tightly that Kili winces. Dwalin doesn’t even look pleased at his attempt to seduce him, which seems kind of unfair considering they’ve made out a handful of times already. 

“Get the fuck off of me,” Dwalin says in a tone that Kili has never heard before. It’s the first time that he feels slightly fearful of Dwalin, and so he jerks his head in a nod and climbs off the best as fast as he can. He doesn’t even look at Dwalin, he just hurries from the room. 

He’s so embarrassed, he didn’t think Dwalin would flat out reject him like that. He can hear movement behind him and he can only imagine what Dwalin will have to say to him. He doesn’t want to stick around for any of that, so he grabs his phone, plus the list and cash from the counter, and leaves the apartment. 

Wandering around the neighborhood is a lot less fun without Fili. In fact, most things are a lot less fun without Fili, and despite the recent strife they’ve had, he misses his older brother desperately. He wonders what Fili would think of this recent development between Kili and Dwalin. His brother would probably swat him on the back of the head and tell him he has no idea what he’s doing – which Kili is more than aware of. 

He’s overwhelmed with the idea of seeing his brother, and reaches into his phone to call Fili. Perhaps he could take the bus to York and they could spend the weekend together, hanging out. He gets as far as Fili’s phone going to voicemail before he hangs up without leaving a message and slides his phone away. Fili’s always so busy, he wouldn’t have time to hang out with Kili for a whole weekend. 

He procrastinates getting the groceries, and goes to the theatre to fall asleep in his seat watching Jurassic Park. 

Kili doesn’t go home until it’s late. The theatre had ended up showing all five Jurassic movies, and Kili had gotten carried away watching them. He had then wandered around the neighborhood, stopping at a diner for food. His phone died halfway through the second movie, and he had forgotten all about getting groceries. He slides inside the apartment and it’s just past nine in the evening. The door isn’t even shut yet before Thorin is standing there, glaring at him. 

Kili offers him what he hopes is a cheerful smile and tries to sidle past him. “Any leftovers? I’m starving.”

“Where have you been?” Thorin demands, blocking Kili’s access to the rest of the apartment. “Why don’t you answer your phone when I call?”

“It died,” Kili says, pulling his phone out of his pocket and he shows Thorin the black screen. “Sorry.”

“You always have an excuse,” Thorin says darkly, his eyebrows knitted together in a heavy scowl. “And frankly, I am sick of them. I need you to start getting your act together, Kili. You’re almost eighteen and in your last year of school.”

Hot words jump to his lips, but he’s tired of fighting with Thorin. Lately everything seems like a battle, and he doesn’t want that anymore. He just wishes they could go back to the careful peace treaty that they’ve had for the majority of Kili’s life. He swallows them down, and nods his head. 

“You’re right,” he says, glancing down at the shoes by the door to see if Dwalin’s usual shoes are among them, and if he’s home yet. To his relief, he sees that they are. Perhaps he can hurry up this conversation with Thorin and seek out Dwalin to talk about what had happened this morning. “I’ll try to do better.”

“I suppose that’s all I can ask of you,” Thorin says with a sigh. “Did you get the groceries? I didn’t make supper yet since I’m waiting on the milk and ground beef.”

“Ah, no, I didn’t,” Kili says, and he reaches into his pocket for the list and cash, holding them out to Thorin. “Sorry, I lost track of time.”

Thorin stares at him before he jerks the money out of his hand and shakes his head, turning away from him. “Unbelievable,” he mutters. “Go to your room and do some homework. Go to bed. Do whatever you want, just get out of my sight.”

Kili wants to argue but he doesn’t. He just ducks under Thorin’s arm and hurries down the hallway to his room. Dwalin’s sitting in the living room, and their eyes briefly meet. Kili falters in his step, hating the way he’s automatically drawn to Dwalin like a moth to a flame. Why can’t he just consider Dwalin to be his uncle’s friend like he used to?

“Kili, go!” Thorin shouts, and Kili disappears into his room, slamming the door shut. 

He throws himself down on his bed and kicks his shoes off. The air inside his room is stuffy, and he climbs out of the bed to wedge the window up as far as it will go. He doesn’t want to do his homework, he’s got to write an essay, plus do his math homework, and he hates both with equal passion. Too often he hears people tell him that if he’s not good at English, he’ll be good at math. 

Unfortunately for Kili, he’s not really good at either. 

He stuffs his ear buds into his ears and lets the music take his mind away, drowning out his thoughts towards Thorin and his longing towards Dwalin. He pulls his binder on to his lap and flips to his math homework, biting on his bottom lip as he tries to figure out the equations. He’s only been working for less than ten minutes before his bedroom down swings open, and Dwalin is standing in the doorway. 

Hope leaps into his chest, and he slowly pulls his ear buds out, keeping his eyes on Dwalin. “Hey,” he says softly, licking his dry lips. “What’s going on?”

“Thorin went to get the groceries,” Dwalin explains, and he’s still hovering in the door way. 

“Okay,” Kili says, because he doesn’t want to scare Dwalin away. He’s obviously seeking Kili out for some reason, he’s just got to figure out what it is. “Did you need me for something?”

“I think we should use this time to talk,” Dwalin says, and he finally comes into the room. He leaves the door open behind himself, and sits down on the corner of Kili’s bed, leaving space between their bodies. 

“We can talk,” Kili says, and the hope is fizzling out into disappointment. Dwalin has already rejected him once this morning, he’s not sure he can handle it a second time just yet. Dwalin has made it quite clear that he’s not about to do whatever this is with Kili… why does he have to spell it out for him?

“I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that anything can happen between us,” Dwalin starts off, and he’s unable to meet Kili’s gaze. “We both had some alcohol, but that’s no excuse for what happened. I owe you an apology.”

“No, you don’t,” Kili says swiftly, because he had been the one to start something. The back of his neck feels hot, and he absently curls the edge of his loose leaf between his fingers. He already hates this conversation. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I’m the adult,” Dwalin argues, and he’s running his hand over his chin, the coarse beard making a scritching sound. Kili distinctly remembers what that beard had felt like brushing against his cheeks, and he jerks his eyes away. “You’re seventeen, and you were vulnerable. I’m sorry for what happened. I understand if you think less of me, if you want to talk to Thorin, whatever you want.”

“Oh my god, I would never tell Thorin,” Kili says, and the very thought of it horrifies him. He licks his lips and shrugs his shoulders, feeling as impossibly young as Dwalin apparently thinks he is. “You don’t have to apologize, like I said. I kissed you, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I let you do it, several times,” Dwalin reminds him, like Kili isn’t aware of the fact, like Kili hasn’t been keeping track and replaying every single encounter over and over in his mind as he desperately jerks off. “I’m horrible, and it’s okay for you to feel that way.”

“I don’t think you’re horrible.” He’s beginning to feel distinctly uncomfortable with the conversation, and the amount of self-loathing Dwalin possesses. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you know. I liked it.”

“Of course you liked it, you’ve probably never been kissed before,” Dwalin snaps, finally glaring up to meet Kili’s gaze. “It’s just one more thing I took from you. What do you know, you’re just a child.”

He’s wrong, because Kili has been kissed before. However, Nori had been drunk and Kili doubts that it counts on any sort of real scale. Still, he’s not going to admit that. There’s no reason in allowing Dwalin to believe that Kili is as young as Dwalin suspects he is. He ignores the child comment, because it just makes him annoyed. 

Why do people only kiss him when they’re drunk?

“That’s not true,” he says, and the lie tastes as sour in his mouth as the beer did. “I’ve been kissed plenty before, by girls and boys. Like I said, it’s not a big deal.”

Dwalin studies him carefully. “It should be,” he finally says, and his hand reaches out towards Kili before it drops down on the comforter instead, twisting it roughly. “I just wanted to say I was sorry, and to make sure that you knew nothing could happen between us.”

“Why not?” Kili asks, shoving his binder off of his lap. “Give me a good reason why something can’t happen.”

“You’re seventeen and it’s illegal,” Dwalin says.

“That’s not true at all,” Kili argues. “The legal age of consent in Canada is sixteen, so we’re completely fine to do whatever we want.”

“The age of consent is sixteen, but it’s higher when it involves someone in a position of trust and authority, which I would be,” Dwalin says quietly. “Trust me, I googled this thoroughly, and the law is pretty clear that if anything happened, it would be a felony. So that’s my good reason as to why we can’t.”

Damn – that’s a pretty good reason. 

“I’m only seventeen for a couple more months,” Kili says, even though it’s only nearing the end of September, and his birthday isn’t until the beginning of March. “It would be legal soon enough.”

“Why do you have to make this so hard on me?” Dwalin asks, and there’s an expression on his face that Kili has never seen before, one that he doesn’t like. The older man actually looks pained, and stressed, and Kili hates to know that he’s put it there. “You always have to travel down the most difficult path, don’t you?”

“It’s in my nature,” Kili says with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“Isn’t that the truth,” Dwalin agrees, and the right side of his mouth tugs up in a reluctant smile. “At least we can agree on that.”

“So, we just pretend that nothing’s happened then?” Kili asks, and it makes his chest hurt a lot more than he’s willing to admit. It’s not like he’s in love with Dwalin or anything, it’ll take more than a couple of kisses to win him over, but Dwalin has been the first person to ever really kiss him, to ever actually notice him. 

He’s allowed to hurt. 

“I would prefer that,” Dwalin says, and he pushes himself to his feet. “I’ll leave you to your homework. I just wanted to clear this up while Thorin was out.”

It makes the whole thing seem a whole lot shadier than it is, but Kili isn’t going to argue. He may be seventeen, but he knows that Dwalin could probably get in trouble legally for what happened between them. He had just hoped that maybe he’d be worth it, that Dwalin would find him so irresistible that he wouldn’t care about the law… how dumb he’s really been. 

“Yep,” he says, his lips popping with the hard emphasis on the p. He stares down at his math, the numbers blurring together, but he’s not going to show any emotion while Dwalin is in here. He doesn’t deserve that, Dwalin hasn’t earned that right. 

The door clicks shut quietly, and Kili looks up to an empty room, and it hurts more than it probably should.

***

The best way to avoid temptation is distraction, Dwalin decides. He works longer and longer hours, telling Thorin that he won’t be home until late most days. The days where Tauriel forces him out of the office, he goes out to find other distractions. He goes out for dinner with Bofur one night, and it hits him when he’s seated across from Bofur how little he’s thought about him while they were apart, and how little he actually thinks of him. Bofur is a perfectly nice person, but he lacks any sort of heat. He is by far the most easy-going, drama free person that Dwalin has ever encountered. He’s so laid back that he’s practically vertical. It should be nice, it should be a pleasant break from the usual hum drum of dating life.

It should be everything except what it is, and Dwalin feels absolutely nothing for him.  
He doesn’t break up with him, though, because they’re not really together. He just stops instigating time together, and eventually Bofur’s texts trickle down to hardly anything at all. Dwalin can’t force himself to feel sorry over the whole thing when he isn’t. He pushes it to the back of his mind like everything else that he doesn’t want to deal with, and goes on about his life. 

“You seem upset,” his brother, Balin, says to him one evening as they’re dining together at Balin’s townhouse. 

Since this whole… situation with Kili, Dwalin thinks he’s seen more Balin this month than he has seen him all year. This is the first time that Balin has commented on it, though. 

“Nonsense,” Dwalin says, reaching for the gravy and he pours it over his entire plate, drowning the roast chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and peas. “What makes you say that?”

“You’ve sought my company more recently than usual,” Balin says, and he frowns over Dwalin’s excessive use of gravy. Honestly, if he doesn’t want Dwalin to over-indulge, then he shouldn’t make so much damn gravy. “I was hoping you’d maybe come to me on your own as to why, but you seem to keep your secrets safe guarded as usual.”

Dwalin rolls his eyes. Balin is almost fifteen years older than him, and since Dwalin moved to Toronto at the age of eighteen, Balin has been more of a secondary parent than anything else. Balin had been the pride and joy of their parents, and Dwalin had been an accidental pregnancy. However difficult their youth was, though, they’ve made up for it now, and Dwalin consider his brother to be one of his closest friends. It doesn’t mean he confides in him, though, because Dwalin has never been able to open up to people. 

It’s never anything personal. 

“You’re daft if you think I’m upset,” Dwalin says, forking a mouthful of potatoes in. “I’ve just been really busy at work. This is a slow season for us, and so I’m trying to take as many shifts as I can so my profit margins aren’t a complete disaster.”

“I can understand that, September has always been a difficult month for you with all of the young people returning back to the universities,” Balin says. “Speaking of which, how is Fili doing? Has he come home for a visit yet?”

“No, boy’s been gone for four weeks now,” Dwalin replies. “He promised he’d come home earlier, but I figured he wouldn’t and as I was right. The kid got busy there, settling in and making friends, plus I think his course load is a lot tougher than he anticipated. I reckon we’ll see him in two weeks for Thanksgiving.”

“He certainly has his work cut out for him at York,” Balin agrees sagely. “And how is young Kili? I saw him the other day when he came to the office with Thorin, and he’s certainly grown another foot since I saw him last! He’s turning out to be a fine young man. You should really bring him around more often.”

Dwalin starts, banging his knee underneath the table and he curses low. He ignores the reprimand that Balin gives him, because Balin acts like any swear word deserves time in jail. Kili has grown a little taller since the summer, he’s almost as tall as Dwalin now, although he still remembers how Kili had to stand on his tip toes to kiss him. 

“Kid’s fine,” he says, forcing a non-committal tone into his reply. “He’ll be out of the house soon enough.”

“And then it will be back to you and Thorin,” Balin says, and he gets that shrewd look in his eye whenever he gets going on this topic. “Are you sure there’s nothing you need to tell me about the pair of you?”

“For fuck’s sake, Balin,” Dwalin says, ignoring the sharp intake of breath from his brother. “I’ve told you once and I’ve told you twice! Thorin is straight, and it’s not like that between us, we’re just friends.”

“It just seems a little odd that now you’ve both entered your thirties and are still living together,” Balin retorts, pouring more red wine into his glass. Dwalin waves him off, because he hates how easily drunk he gets on wine. “It made sense in your twenties, I suppose, but now you should be seeking your own space.”

“Thorin had just gotten the boys when he turned thirty, I wasn’t about to leave him alone with them,” Dwalin says, and he can still remember how sad, and hurt, and angry those boys had been. “Thorin didn’t know what to do with them.”

“Mother Dwalin to the rescue,” Balin quips, taking a sip of his wine. “However, it’s probably time now, wouldn’t you think? Mother said to me the other day – ”

“Both of you can quit your meddling,” Dwalin says, pointing his fork in Balin’s direction. “Unless Thorin asks, I’m not going to move out. I don’t want to live alone, who likes that? It’s lonely.”

“It’s not that bad,” Balin says, but his mouth turns down and he looks away. Dwalin feels bad for mentioning it, but it’s not his fault that Balin’s wife left him after twenty-five years of marriage, and now lives in Saskatchewan with some farmer. 

“Thorin isn’t my type anyway,” Dwalin says, because his type has always been lithe and slender, and somehow his taste has morphed into dark hair and sparkling eyes, a mischievous smirk that just won’t quit. 

“How’s that gentlemen you were seeing?” Balin asks politely. “I don’t remember his name, I’m afraid.”

“Bofur, and he’s fine,” Dwalin says shortly. 

Balin’s always had a precarious attitude towards Dwalin’s homosexuality. He has never come out and said anything offensive, but Dwalin knows that it’s not something he’s fully comfortable with. He tried to claim once that it was a generational thing, but Dwalin’s parents have been far more accepting of it. Dwalin thinks it’s just something that Balin can’t relate to. 

“Glad to hear of it,” Balin says, nodding his head. “Perhaps you will settle down yet.”

“Jesus, what kind of dinner conversation is this?” Dwalin asks, exasperated. He changes his mind and pours what seems like half the bottle of wine into his cup and takes a long gulp. “I don’t want to settle down – if I did, I would have done so already. I come here to spend time with you, not get grilled about my love life or my living arrangements. Give it a rest.”

“I’m just concerned,” Balin protests, but he lets the matter drop, and turns the conversation to television shows – something Dwalin is a little more comfortable with. “Have you seen the latest episode of Masterchef?”

Dwalin is more than tipsy by the time Balin bundles him into a cab and sends him home. He’s noisy as he thumps his way up the stairs, and rolls his eyes the minute Bilbo’s door opens. Thorin’s always been the one to make peace with Bilbo (Dwalin suspects it’s because Bilbo’s got a crush on him), but Bilbo’s always had a healthy fear of Dwalin. Normally that makes him feel bad, and he does his best to be extra kind, but tonight he’s not in the mood to be lectured about walking in his own goddamn hallway. 

“Shut that door!” He bellows, and feels a rush of satisfaction as Bilbo’s door slams shut. Their own door flies open, and Thorin sticks his head out. 

“What are you doing?” He asks, and his gaze goes to Bilbo’s door. “Are you scaring him? Dwalin!”

“He’s fine, he’s just a bit nosy!” Dwalin says loudly, and he hopes his voice carries through the thin wood. 

“You’ve had wine, haven’t you?” Thorin says flatly, and he reaches out to grab Dwalin by the arm and drag him inside, shutting the door. “You always get belligerent once you’ve had some wine.”

“How dare you say that,” Dwalin says, and he knows in the back of his mind that he’s angrier than he should be, but he can’t pinpoint as to why. That is, he can’t until he stumbles into the living room and sees Kili sitting on the couch, gnawing on his bottom lip as he diligently writes in a notebook. 

How dare he just sit there and work on his school work like a fucking child, when he tried to seduce Dwalin like an adult. 

“You,” he growls, and Kili’s head jerks up. His eyes are wide, and he glances at Thorin and then back at Dwalin. 

“What?”

“Oh, leave him alone, you drama queen,” Thorin says, and he shoves Dwalin in the direction of the bathroom. “Go shower, and then get to bed. It’s only a Tuesday night and you’re drunk. Unbelievable.”

“I am not drunk,” Dwalin protests, but his stomach is sloshing unpleasantly. He gives Kili another glower, but goes when Thorin gives him a harder shove. He can distantly hear Thorin telling Kili to not worry about it, and his anger floods out of him. He shouldn’t have yelled at Kili, not when he hadn’t done anything wrong. 

He’s listened to Dwalin, and has avoided him. Or, at least, hasn’t been able to see him because Dwalin has been out of the house so often. He’s been sweet, actually, and Dwalin shouldn’t have been so mean. He’ll apologize to him once he’s properly cooled down, and once he’s had a shower. 

Except by the time he comes out of the steaming bathroom, Kili is gone from the living room and his bedroom door is firmly shut, with the strip under the door dark. He’s missed his chance.

***

The next little bit passes awkwardly, the tension in the apartment seems a bit strained, but it lessens each day, and finally the week before Thanksgiving, everything that had happened with Dwalin seems a bit like a distant memory, or even something that had happened to somebody else.

Or so Kili tells himself. 

It’s still perfectly fine wank fodder, but he no longer finds himself staring at Dwalin in the evenings with lustful longing. Dwalin allows him to come to the gym to train, although they never train in the back room alone anymore. Still, Kili finds himself growing faster and stronger, and the last time Azog shoved him into the locker, he had had to do it twice, just to make Kili move. 

Things are relatively back to normal, and of course that’s when everything seems to go awry. 

It’s a cool night, fall has moved in with Thanksgiving on the upcoming weekend, and Kili is sitting on the couch, half-heartedly trying to read _The Handmaid’s Tale_ for his English class. It’s weird, and he had assumed there would be lots of sex details, based on the summary, but there’s hardly been any. The landline phone, that Thorin refuses to cancel in case of an _emergency_, rings and Kili dives for it, scrambling over Thorin’s lap in order to snatch the cordless phone up from the end table. 

“Hello?” He exclaims breathlessly. 

“Get off my lap, you child,” Thorin mutters, but it’s with fondness. He doesn’t actually push Kili off of him, rather he ruffles his hand through Kili’s hair like he did when he was a boy, and Kili feels warm. 

“Hey.” It’s Fili on the phone, and the warm feeling inside of Kili intensifies until he feels hot all over. He hasn’t spoken to Fili on the phone, and he’s missed the sound of his voice. “Put Uncle on.”

“In a bit,” Kili says, because he’s too excited. “How you been? It’s been an age since we’ve talked, you prat. I texted you the funniest meme the other day, and you didn’t reply.”

“Kili, can you put him on please?” Fili says. “I don’t have long.”

“What do you wanna talk to him for?” Kili demands, and the glow inside of his chest is diminishing. “Can’t you talk to me? We never talk anymore.”

“_Kili_.”

“Oh, fine whatever,” Kili grumbles, and he tosses the phone at Thorin and rolls off the couch. He stalks to the kitchen with his empty glass to refill it with Coke, glaring all the while. He can hear the murmur of Thorin’s voice, the softness of his laughter, and he feels even more jealous. What is Fili telling Thorin that he can’t tell Kili?

“You want to do what?” Thorin says, and Kili’s ears immediately perk up. He sidles back into the living room with his glass of Coke and sets it neatly down on the end table before he perches on the arm of the couch, trying to overhear Fili’s side of the conversation. “I’m not sure where she would stay…” Thorin trails off. 

Kili frowns. What on earth are they talking about? Who would stay where? Once again, Fili is making little sense. How he thinks he can be a lawyer is beyond Kili. 

“The couch isn’t very comfortable for a girl, and she can’t stay with you,” Thorin says. “Well, if it’s just one night… of course, if that’s what you want. Sure, bring her home. It’d be lovely to meet her.”

Kili stares at Thorin, his mind buzzing. Why the fuck is Fili bringing a _girl_ home? Did Fili get a girlfriend? He’s only been gone for six weeks, how did he get a girlfriend so soon! In all of their conversations, which, granted, weren’t that often, Fili had never mentioned that he was interested in a girl. 

Kili topples off the arm of the couch and into Thorin’s lap as he grabs the phone away from his uncle and exclaims, “Since when did _you_ get a girlfriend? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me!”

“Jesus, Kili!” Thorin snaps, wrangling him off and he shoves him to the floor. 

“It’s not a big deal,” Fili says. 

Kili tucks his shoulder in so it doesn’t hurt so much when he hits the carpet, and he rolls to a stop. Contrary to what Fili is saying, it _is_ a big deal. A huge deal, even! Neither of them have ever dated anyone before, and certainly never dated someone they’d bring home for a family holiday. 

He hangs up the phone. 

“Did you just hang up on your brother?”

“Of course I did! Why is he bringing so hobag home anyway?” Kili demands. “I should be able to bring somebody then!”

“Do you actually have a girl you’d like to bring home? And don’t call her a… hobag, that’s rude.” Thorin pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes deeply. Kili’s never been able to figure it out just yet why he does that. 

“Well, she sounds like one,” Kili says, ignoring Thorin’s first question. He doesn’t know how to tell Thorin he’s gay, so it’s probably better to never say anything. He rolls on to his back on the floor and stares up at the ceiling, focusing on a water stain in the corner. 

“What the – ” Dwalin says, walking into the room and trips himself over Kili’s sprawled form. He catches himself on the couch at the last minute. 

“Maybe she’s an orphan,” Kili muses, wincing as Dwalin gives him a half-hearted kick to his side. “Yeah, that’s it. I bet she’s an orphan and doesn’t have any family, and Fili just felt sorry for her.”

“It’ll be nice to see Fili with a girlfriend,” Dwalin says, moving over to his usual spot on the arm chair, and it goes to show how far they’ve come, because he uses Kili’s stomach as a foot rest for his big ugly feet. “I can’t believe how grown up he is now.”

“I’m grown up, too,” Kili grumbles, twisting Dwalin’s baby toe, just because he can. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Thorin says, rolling his eyes and he pulls a stack of documents out of his briefcase. “You’re always going to be young at heart, I suspect.”

“People always that when they’re trying to excuse their immaturity,” Kili says, pushing Dwalin’s feet off of him and he sits up. The conversation is giving him a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll have you know that I’m plenty mature, Uncle. In fact, when Gimli suggested that we should get tattoos, I said no.”

“You can absolutely not get a tattoo!” Thorin exclaims at the same time that Dwalin enthuses, “You should totally get a tattoo!”

Kili looks back and forth between them before he smirks. “I change my mind too often to get a tattoo.”

“You’d look good with a tattoo,” Dwalin says, and he shrugs his shoulder when Thorin glares at him. “I’m just stating a fact, I’m not endorsing anything.”

Kili feels hot and angry all at the same time. Dwalin had made it clear that anything that happened was a mistake, and that they should act like nothing had happened. He shouldn’t go around telling Kili how he’d look good. 

“I couldn’t get one,” he says, and he refuses to meet Dwalin’s gaze. “I’m just a child, what do I know?”

The room is silent, but Kili just stares resolutely at the water stain. He can tell that Thorin and Dwalin are having a conversation above his head, but he’s pretty sure they’re not only on separate pages, they’re reading from entirely different books. Thorin will think that Kili just feels belittled, while Dwalin will know exactly what his comment meant. 

“No tattoos,” Thorin finally tries to say as firmly as he can. “Anyway, Fili is bringing a young girl named Sigrid Bowman home for Thanksgiving. We should really make an effort this year, roast a turkey or something.”

“Okay, first of all – Sigrid is totally the name of a hobag,” Kili says, whirling around to face Thorin. “Second of all – fuck a turkey! I thought we were going to do Chinese. That’s tradition!”

“Stop calling her a hobag!” Thorin snaps. “And two years doesn’t make a tradition.”

“Maybe not, but this would have been the third year, and I’m pretty sure after three years that’s considered tradition. Right, Dwalin?” He turns to him for back up, unsure of what kind of reaction he’ll receive based off of his earlier comment. However, Dwalin just simply nods his head and Kili turns back to Thorin, triumphant. “See, even Dwalin agrees with me.”

“Do you even know how to cook a turkey?” Dwalin asks, reaching over to grab Kili’s glass of Coke and he polishes the entire thing off. “We could always invite ourselves over to Balin’s and force him to cook for us. We’ve done that before, Thorin.”

“Fili is bringing home his first girlfriend, and we are going to have a nice and normal Thanksgiving,” Thorin says firmly. “I don’t want to hear any other complaints, or I’m not buying Fruit Loops anymore.”

“You hardly buy them anymore as it is,” Kili complains. “You say it’s sugary rot that will kill all my teeth.”

“And I’m not wrong,” Thorin says. “However, I’ll stop buying them altogether, and then where will you be, hmm?”

“Probably somewhere with better teeth,” Kili retorts, ignoring the flush he gets when he hears Dwalin snickering. “You play dirty. I’ll say this and then I’m done – I can’t believe stupid Fili has a girlfriend and didn’t even tell me. She’s probably ugly, he’s always got a liking for the ugly ones.”

“He likes you well enough,” Thorin says shortly, and at Kili’s scowl, Dwalin and Thorin both crack up laughing. 

“Unbelievable,” Kili mutters.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanksgiving weekend arrives with sunshine in the air and the leaves turning orange, fluttering from the trees to land on the sidewalk and clog up the sewer drains. It’s Saturday afternoon, and Kili is prickly with nerves. Fili and Sigrid are due to arrive any moment. Not only is Kili disappointed that his brother is bringing a girl home and they won’t be able to really catch up, but Fili’s only staying one night and then going back early. He says he has a lot of homework, but the excuse rings false to Kili. 

“Be nice,” Thorin instructs him sternly for the tenth time. 

Nice is the last thing Kili is feeling; Thorin had made him clean the entire apartment while he cooked. He had even made Kili wash the bathroom floor! Kili suspects that Dwalin was supposed to help him, but he had just sat in his arm chair smirking as he watched American football. 

Kili has no idea why he’s attracted to him. And he still is, as much as he wishes he wasn’t. He’s spend the past two weeks trying to ignore Dwalin, trying to pretend that everything that happened was to other people, but at the end of the day, he’d still like Dwalin to kiss him again, and he doesn’t know how to change that. 

He had been hoping to talk to Fili about it when he was home. He’d never be stupid enough to tell Fili that it was Dwalin, but he thought perhaps he could pretend it was somebody else, maybe a university student or something. He doubts Fili would believe him, though. Kili’s never had anyone interested in him before. 

“So stupid,” he grumbles as he shoves the vacuum away in the front closet.

“Be nice,” Thorin says again when he catches Kili frowning. 

He’s frowning because the vacuum won’t go in nicely, but now he’s annoyed and so he frowns even more. “I will! You don’t have to tell me twenty times!”

“It’s not like the first few times will get into that head of yours,” Thorin retorts, and he’s actually wearing an apron. Kili had sniggered every time he saw it, but the novelty had worn off shortly after lunch time. “Sometimes I suspect that you’re purposefully playing thick.”

“I’m not thick,” he scowls, because he’s pretty sure that thick means dumb. He is dumb, but he’s trying harder lately not to be. “I’ll have you know that I aced my creative writing assignment.”

“Good! I am very pleased to hear that!” Thorin says, and he gives Kili a warm, rare smile. It almost makes Kili feel bad for what he’s about to say next, but then he remembers how much Thorin had made him clean all morning, and the feeling goes away. 

“Yeah, I wrote a great essay on how to be nice to your brother’s new hobag girlfriend,” he says, smirking up at Thorin. 

“Jesus, Kili!” Thorin snaps the dishtowel down on the table. “I have told you to quit calling her that! If you can’t be nice and behave yourself like an actual human being, then you can eat in your room!”

“I said I’d be nice, stop harping at me!” Kili shouts. 

“I have to harp because you don’t listen otherwise!” Thorin exclaims. Their shouting has drawn Dwalin from his bedroom, and he glances between the two of them, remaining silent. “You probably didn’t have a creative writing assignment, did you!”

“Of course I did,” Kili says. “I know it’s hard to believe that I could actually do well on something. I’m not a complete cock up, you know.”

“I didn’t say you were,” Thorin says. “It’s about time you start to do well, though. You’re in your final year of high school, and it’s time you learn to focus on your school work.”

“You’re done,” Kili cuts him off. “It’s Thanksgiving, and I have already spent all day cleaning this dump. I don’t have to sit through any school lectures.”

“I think he has a point, Thorin,” Dwalin says, poorly hiding a smile. “Let the kid be.”

“Shut up,” Kili hisses, because the fact that Dwalin is calling him a kid makes him feel so angry. It seems like lately all he feels is anger anymore, it’s eating him up inside. “I’m not a kid.”

“Fine, no more lectures, but don’t speak to Dwalin like that,” Thorin says, and then the apartment door buzzes. He jumps and quickly begins to untie the apron from around his waist. “Okay! Fili and Sigrid are here!”

Kili makes an _‘ugh’_ sound. 

“_Kili_,” Thorin says warningly, and Kili raises his hands in surrender. 

“I didn’t say anything! I’ll be nice, I promise. Is that the turkey burning?” He asks, just to watch Thorin dash into the kitchen to ensure that everything is fine. 

Kili grins, and looks over towards the door, but his eyes get caught on Dwalin on their way past. He’s smiling at Kili, and Kili can’t stop the blush that seeps up his face. He ducks his head away, his dark hair falling into his eyes, steadily ignoring Dwalin. He can’t handle his presence, not when he’s trying so hard to be good and to pretend like nothing ever happened. When he finally dares to look up again, Dwalin is still looking at him with such a soft look on his face that Kili has to make an escape into the kitchen. 

“Stir the gravy if you’re going to be in my way,” Thorin says, handing him a wooden spoon. 

Kili rolls his eyes, but he accepts the spoon and begins to methodically stir the gravy around so it doesn’t burn and stick to the bottom of the pan. It looks a bit lumpy, but when poured over mashed potatoes he doubts anyone will notice. At least, he hopes so. Thorin can be excused for his flour clumps, he’s new to this. 

The door swings open, and Kili can hear the familiar voice of his brother call, “Hey! We’re here!”

Thorin hurries out of the kitchen, practically beaming, and Kili peeks around the corner in time to see Thorin embrace Fili tightly, ushering him inside the apartment. A small girl with long brown hair is behind Fili, and she’s got the most serious eyebrows that Kili thinks he’s ever seen on a girl. She looks like she doesn’t take shit from anyone. 

She’s pretty enough, he guesses, if you’re into that sort of thing, but she’s not the type of girl he would have picked for Fili. She’s too intimidating looking, and Fili deserves the best. 

“Hello, I’m Thorin, Fili’s uncle,” Thorin says, reaching out to shake her hand. Kili wants to laugh, but the urge dies away when he thinks of how Thorin would never greet a boy like that, if Kili brought one home. He disappears back into the kitchen and resumes stirring the gravy, which had begun to bubble. 

“I’m Sigrid. I’m so pleased to meet you!” Her voice is cheerful and light, which goes against how intense she looks. It grates on Kili’s nerves, it annoys him that her voice doesn’t match how he pictures it should be. He knows he’s being a bit unreasonable, but he can’t find it in himself to care. 

“I’m Dwalin, a family friend. Good to meet you.”

Oh god. Why does his voice _do_ such things to Kili? He swallows hard and tries to push his traitorous thoughts away. He has no business thinking about Dwalin in such graphic details, nor does he have any right to want to hear Dwalin moaning his name as he holds Kili’s hips down, driving into him with such a force – he wrenches his mind away from that particular line of thinking and gives the gravy a vicious stir. 

“Where’s my baby brother!”

Kili glowers down at the stove. He’s seventeen – that’s hardly a baby. Fili is barely older than him, he should stop acting like he’s nineteen and Kili is five. It’s bloody annoying. 

“He’s in the kitchen, I put him on gravy duty,” Thorin says. 

“He’s probably burning it,” Dwalin teases. 

He is not – oh, maybe it is burning a little. He turns the knob down a little and scrubs at the bottom of the pan where it’s begun to stick. If he adds a little more pepper, nobody will be able to tell the difference between pepper and burned bits. He slaps a smile on his face, just in time, as Fili and Sigrid appear in the kitchen doorway. 

“Hey,” Fili says, smiling at him. He’s so familiar to Kili, the last true bit of home that he has, that it takes everything inside of him to remain where he’s standing. 

If Sigrid wasn’t here, Kili would probably drop the plastic whisk into the pan and jump on Fili, knocking him into the wall as they tussled. However, now he just gives a nod of his head, remembering Thorin’s direct instructions to _be nice_. 

“Hey,” he says carefully, giving Sigrid what he hopes is a polite smile. “I’m Kili Durin.”

“I have heard so much about you!” She says, darting forward to give him a hug. 

Kili goes ram-rod straight, stiffening in the tiny space. He’s normally quite the fan of affection, but only from people he knows. He has no idea who she is, not really, she could be diseased for all he knows! At the tension in his body, she releases him and steps back, her cheeks a little redder than they used to be. 

“Sorry,” she says. “I just feel like I know you so well. Fili has told me so much about you.”

That rankles his nerves even more, and Thorin’s instructions go sailing out his head. “That’s funny,” Kili says, and his smile turns just a little cruel. “He hasn’t mentioned you once.”

“Kili!” Thorin snaps. 

“Peas, anyone?” Dwalin suggests, stepping into the kitchen and he moves behind Kili to look in the freezer. His free hand rests lightly against the small of Kili’s back, and the touch grounds him more than it should. “I could heat some up, if people are interested.”

“Peas would be lovely,” Sigrid says politely. 

Fili pulls her out of the kitchen and Thorin follows them, shooting Kili a final glare. Their voices resume in conversation in the living room, and Kili waits until he’s sure that Thorin is fully out of sight before he gives him the finger. 

“Stop that,” Dwalin says, the hand that’s touching him lifts to swat the back of his head. “What happened to being nice?”

“Ow,” Kili mutters, although Dwalin’s swing had lacked any real heat. He grabs the whisk and stirs savagely, glaring down at the bubbling brown liquid. “That hurt.”

“I hardly touched you,” Dwalin says, and then Kili’s mind is only drifting to how Dwalin’s hands had felt on his hips, and how he’s right, he had hardly touched Kili, because Kili would love for him to touch him _more_. “For your brother’s sake, be nice.”

“Fine,” Kili says, and gravy splatters up on his hand. It’s hot and he quickly drags his tongue along the side of his hand, his tongue curling his thumb. There’s a bit on his middle finger too, and he licks from root to tip, catching every last drop. 

He looks up when he hears a stifled noise, and Dwalin is staring at him. His eyes are widened, and he steps forward like he’s going to do something. Kili stands up a little straighter, but then Dwalin pauses, and Kili feels his heart sink.

“Stop that,” Dwalin says gruffly, and his eyes dart to the doorway. “What would your uncle say if he saw you doing that?”

“I’m not doing anything,” Kili scowls, wiping his hand on the thigh of his jeans. “Not everything is about you, you know. I just spilt gravy, that’s all. Anyway, the gravy is good at least, thanks to me. Let’s hope the rest of the food doesn’t poison us.”

“I’ll give you mouth to mouth if it does,” Dwalin says, before his eyes widen again in panic. “I mean… fuck!”

“It’s a deal,” Kili says, and something flips in his stomach. Perhaps this isn’t as settled as he had originally thought it was. “Can we have carrots, too? I hate peas.”

“No, we’re not having carrots,” Dwalin says, and irritation laces his voice tight. “Just don’t eat any of the peas, you child.”

“I’m not a child,” Kili says, and he leans his hip against the counter to look up at Dwalin. “I’m almost eighteen. In less than a year, I’ll be moved out.”

“Still planning on following your brother to York?” Dwalin asks, and he’s definitely smirking. 

Kili shrugs his shoulders, because he knows exactly what Dwalin is thinking – it’s what everyone else thinks. Kili isn’t smart enough for university – let alone York. It’s something he’s learning to come to terms with, but he already knows that Thorin is going to be disappointed in him. 

“Doubt it,” he finally says, unable to look at the older man as Dwalin takes the peas out of the freezer and fills a pot with water, setting it on a burner to boil. “Everyone knows that I’d never make it in. I’ll probably get accepted at a community college, if I bother at all.”

He suddenly feels warm fingers sliding under his chin, prompting his head up to meet Dwalin’s gaze. He’s looking at him with something so tender that it makes Kili’s stomach cramp, and he wishes Dwalin would stop sending him such mixed signals. 

“You’re smart,” Dwalin says firmly. “You just have trouble focusing, that’s all. We’ve been through this.”

“I probably won’t even go to university,” Kili says, because any time he thinks about what he wants to be when he grows up, his mind blanks out. “I’ll probably just get a job or something. Maybe I’ll move back home and stick close to Ori. Actually, I’d like to get an apartment with Fee, and live with him.”

“You’ve really missed him, haven’t you?” Dwalin drops his hand, and Kili immediately misses his touch. However, he takes a step back, away from Dwalin, because he’d hate to be accused of something. 

“Obviously,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I can tell the prick hasn’t missed me, though. Instead he brings home a girlfriend with no warning!”

“He’s nineteen, it’s okay for him to have a girlfriend,” Dwalin says. “It’s healthy.”

“Just wait until I join him,” Kili says. “He’ll be too busy having fun with me to bother with hobags.”

“Stop calling her that,” Dwalin says, and he shoves Kili out of the kitchen. “Go visit with your brother and get out of my way.”

Thorin pulls out a cheap bottle of wine for dinner, and goes around the table pouring into fancy glasses. Kili holds out his regular chipped Star Wars mug for some, because if Fili is going to drink wine, then so is Kili. He’ll look awfully sophisticated while he does it, and Dwalin will have to realize he’s not really that young. 

Thorin hesitates, the bottle held outwards. “You’re not of age,” he says. 

“We’re in the privacy of our own home,” Kili replies calmly. “It’s just wine, it’s not like its hard liquor. I mean, even Jesus drank wine.”

“What do you know of Jesus?” Dwalin chuckles. 

“I know plenty of Jesus,” Kili says, even though that’s not exactly true. His mother had raised them with no religion, although when Kili was around the age of fourteen, he had started attending a Friday night youth group. It hadn’t ended well. “I’m pretty cultured, you know.”

“Damn right you are,” Fili says, and he leans over to ruffle Kili’s hair. Kili savors it for a moment, grinning and elbowing Fili’s side, before he realizes Sigrid is watching them, an indulgent smile on her face. He feels a wave of dislike wash over him, and he narrows his eyes at her. She immediately drops her gaze, and Kili feels a flush of satisfaction. 

He takes a gulp of the wine, and has to dig his fingernails as hard as he can into his palm to stop himself from spitting it out. Why do people drink alcohol, anyway? So far, beer and wine have both been equally disgusting. 

Dwalin grins at him from across the table, like he can read Kili’s mind. Kili wouldn’t doubt it if he could. “So, how’s the wine?” He asks. 

“It’s fine, thank you,” Kili says primly, and he takes another go of it, although this one is a smaller sip and it goes down easier. “It’s not beer, but it’ll do.”

“I’m going to assume that you’re joking,” Thorin says as he passes Kili the plate of turkey. It’s a bit of a mangled mess, and it looks dry as fuck, but Kili just plans to drown it in gravy so he doesn’t care too much. 

“Oh, naturally,” Kili says, but he can’t stop the little glance he gives Dwalin, and he’s pleased to see the older man is flushed. Ha, serves him right for mocking Kili. 

“So, Sigrid,” Thorin says, passing more dishes around. “How did you and Fili meet?”

“We have a few classes together. We actually sat by each other the very first day, and he spilt his latte all over my papers,” she says, spooning gravy over her potatoes. She picks out a lump and Kili scowls. He had worked hard on that gravy, she better appreciate it. “He was tripping all over himself apologizing, and I thought he was the cutest thing I had ever seen.”

There’s a red blush on Fili’s face, and his brother grins at her, leaning over to kiss her cheek. Jealousy hits Kili hard and fast, not only that his brother gets such a thing, but the fact that he can display it so openly.

“Don’t you have a family for Thanksgiving?” He asks her, shoving an entire pickle into his mouth. His shin smarts from where Dwalin has kicked it underneath the table, and he glares at him, wishing that he could flip him off. 

“I have a younger brother and sister, but my sister has Down Syndrome,” Sigrid replies, and she focuses those eyebrows at him. It’s still intimidating. “She really wanted to go to Disney World for Thanksgiving, and so my family went to Florida. Unlike elementary and high school, I can’t miss days of classes, and so I stayed behind.”

“Disney World is over-rated,” Kili says, even though he has zero idea. He’s never been. 

The room is silent, and Kili realizes how awkward he sounds. He gives Sigrid a tight smile and resolves to stay silent for the rest of the meal. He eats slowly and methodically, keeping his eyes on his plate so he doesn’t have to look at anybody else. 

Thorin makes them play a card game afterward, and Kili is completely garbage at it because he’s never played cards before. They don’t exactly sit around and have family game nights. When Thorin is home and in the mood to entertain Kili’s presence, they typically watch TV. In Thorin’s quest to appear like a typical, normal family though, he’s brought out the cards and they painstakingly play, even Dwalin. 

It’s late by the time Kili escapes to the room that he’s come to consider his in just a few short weeks, but he knows that he technically shares it with Fili still. He grabs his art pad from his nightstand and sits cross legged on his bed, doodling. He’s looked up the playlist _Essentials of Elton John_ on Apple Music, and so he croons softly in the quiet of the air. 

_Don’t let the sun go down on me, although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see. I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free, but losing everything is like the sun going down on me…_

The rest of the apartment settles, Dwalin’s door clicking shut. There’s a murmur of voices before his own bedroom door swings open, and Fili walks through the doorway, his face expressionless. Thorin’s door closes as well, and Kili grins at his brother. Of course Thorin wouldn’t go to bed until he was assured that Fili was in his own room. 

No sex allowed in this house, no siree. 

However, the door has hardly been shut and Fili is glaring at him. Kili feels his smile wilt away, and he pushes himself into a sitting position on his bed. 

“What?” He asks nervously, fidgeting with a braid that’s starting to fall out of his hair. 

“What’s the matter with you?” Fili demands, pulling his shirt off and he lobs it at the laundry basket, which is kind of overflowing. Kili should probably do laundry this weekend. 

“What are you talking about?” Kili protests, because he had been quiet for the majority of the night! 

“You’ve been nothing but a colossal dick to Sigrid this entire time. You’re so fucking embarrassing sometimes, do you know that? Why do you always have to be like this?”

“She’s stupid, that’s why,” Kili says hotly. “Perhaps I would have been nicer to her if I had had some warning! You can’t just spring something like that on someone!”

“I don’t have to warn you if I get a girlfriend! I’m a fucking adult!” Fili shouts, yanking his jeans down, and he throws them as hard as he can at Kili. 

Kili catches them before the button can hit him in the face and tosses them to the floor. “Yes, you do! We’re brothers, we’re supposed to be best friends! In case you forgot, which you totally have because you never talk to me anymore! Getting a girlfriend is a big deal, you should have told me!”

“How would _you_ know?” Fili snorts derisively, and everything inside of Kili shudders before freezing still. “You’ve never had a girlfriend, you’re the farthest thing from an expert on what’s a big deal and what isn’t.”

“You know why I don’t have a girlfriend,” Kili says, quiet and still like it will calm Fili down if he doesn’t react. His throat is desperately sore. They’re dancing around a line that if they cross, there won’t be any going back. Their relationship will crack in a way that can’t ever be mended. 

Kili can handle intolerance and bigotry from everybody – everybody but Fili. 

“Right, because you’re gay,” Fili spits out, the word twisted and ugly sounding in his mouth. “Looks like you’re just as pathetic at picking up boys as you are girls. You know absolutely nothing about love or sex, so why don’t you just kindly fuck off and let me live my life? I’m at uni now – I’m an adult. I’m not a kid like you anymore, and it’s time you stop thinking we’re the same – ”

Kili desperately wants to plug his ears so he can’t hear him anymore, but he’s frozen on his bed, his music still playing.

_Just because you think I mean you harm, oh. But these cuts I have, cuts I have… they need love – they need love, they need love to help them heal…_

“ – if I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think you were in love with me! It’s not normal to be so obsessed with your brother. You’re suffocating me, okay? Why can’t you realize that? I did my job – I looked after you when our dad left, and I looked after you when Mum died. You don’t think I wasn’t hurting either? I couldn’t focus on that, though, because you needed so much help. I can’t keep doing it, Kili, I really can’t – ”

_Stop_, Kili thinks, staring wordlessly at his brother, his muscles tight and tense. _Please, Fili… stop._

“ – I’ve got to do what’s right for my life, I can’t be so involved in yours anymore. Uncle tells me how frustrated he is with you, and I can’t say I blame him with the sort of behavior you’ve been sporting lately. You’ve got to start pulling your weight, Kili. You’ve got to grow up sometime! No matter what you do, there’s an issue. It’s like everything you fucking touch is tainted – ”

He falls silent the moment the door flies open and Dwalin barges inside. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Kili can’t even turn his attention to Dwalin, his eyes are frozen on Fili. Every word is reverberating around in his head, and he feels nauseous. How could Fili have said everything to him, had he meant it? How could he have spoken so cruelly to Kili, he has never done that before. Fili has always been his biggest protector and his biggest supporter. How _could_ he?

“It’s nothing, it’s a brotherly disagreement,” Fili says, and he has that belligerent tone he gets in his voice when he doesn’t like being bossed. “We’re fine. Go to bed, Dwalin.”

Kili isn’t fine, he isn’t fine at all. He can’t breathe, even his breath is frozen in his lungs. His throat is sore and his nose burns, he wants to cry so badly. He can’t though, because that will only confirm to Fili what he’s suspected all along – Kili is just a kid. 

“I beg your fucking pardon?” Dwalin growls, and he steps right into Fili’s space, leaning down over him. “Listen to me, you little shit. Don’t you ever think that you can start bossing me around, you got it? And I don’t give two shits about your brotherly disagreement. Don’t you ever fucking talk to him like that again, do you hear me?”

“We’re fine,” Kili says, and he’s proud of the way that his voice doesn’t even waver. He can’t look at Dwalin, because he must have heard everything that Fili had said, and he considers Kili a child too. He probably agrees with most of it, for all Kili knows. He doesn’t want to find out, though. 

He never wants to know what anyone thinks of him again. 

There’s silence, and Kili can feel Dwalin’s eyes on him, but he stares resolutely down at his comforter until Dwalin finally says, “Keep it down, then, unless you want to embarrass your new girlfriend more than you already have.”

The bedroom door slams shut and the room is silent. They’re such an angry family. How many times has Bilbo heard them shouting, or doors slamming? Who is Thorin even trying to fool? They’re not a normal family, not in the least. If Fili really wants to be with Sigrid, then it’s best she knows from the beginning just how fucked up they really are, Kili the most. 

If Sigrid knew what was good for her, she’d take Fili and stay far, far away from Kili. 

“Look, Kili,” Fili starts, and there’s so much awkwardness in his voice that Kili can’t stand it. He doesn’t want to hear Fili trying to apologize because he knows it’s the right thing to do. Kili’s not a total idiot; he knows that the things you say in the heat of the moment are usually the things you think for years before they burst out of you. 

“It’s fine,” he says, his attention caught on a slice of carpet by the end of his bed, the wool fraying. “I get it, I honestly do. I’ll back off.”

Fili pauses before he finally says, “Okay, thank you. You’ll like her once you give her a chance, I promise. She’s fantastic.”

Kili doesn’t reply, because what is there even to say? He has no desire to get to know Sigrid. Instead, he rolls over and pulls the covers over his fully dressed form. There’s rustling as Fili crawls into his own bed, and then a click and the room is plunged into darkness. Kili stares at the wall as Fili’s breathing evens, and eventually the pale sun is flooding their room, bathing everything in a weak, yellow glow. 

He doesn’t bother to change his clothes, he just slides his wallet and phone into his pocket and steals out of the room. He tip-toes past Sigrid, whose curled up on the couch, and disappears out of the apartment. Thorin had promised yesterday that he’d make brunch today, and Kili has no desire to ruin any more family time. 

The theatre is just opening when he arrives, and one look at his face has Rhonda giving him free admission. Kili gives her a grateful smile and disappears inside the first theatre, trading his own sorry existence for that of Luke Skywalker.

***

Dwalin wakes up with gritty eyes and a heart that’s still full of anger. He emerges from his bedroom dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, and the first thing he spots is Fili’s guilty face sitting at the breakfast table. He would hope that it’s guilt over the words he chose, but after a brief glance around, he realizes Kili is nowhere to be found, and that must be the look of guilt on Fili’s face. Whether Thorin has noticed this fact or not, Dwalin doesn’t know.

Dwalin doesn’t know if he should confide to Thorin the awful things that he overheard Fili saying to Kili. He still hasn’t fully processed them himself. He doesn’t understand how _Fili_ of all people would say such terrible things to his brother. The two of them are a pair, you don’t get one without the other, and Dwalin had always admired their closeness. He hadn’t realized the apparent growing resentment in Fili’s heart. 

“Fili, I’ll get your help in the kitchen for a moment,” he says, folding his arms over his chest. He knows he paints an intimidating picture, because Fili pales slightly and nods his head. 

“I’ll help,” Thorin says, beginning to get up from his chair. 

Dwalin waves him back down and shakes his head. “Not necessary, stay and visit with Sigrid. Fili can help.”

Fili’s silent as he follows Dwalin into the kitchen, standing there patiently while he waits for Dwalin to begin. Dwalin hesitates, letting the anticipation build because it’s a little satisfying to see Fili fidget. He’s not normally the nervous between the two of them, that’s more Kili’s forte, but Dwalin’s glad to see his show of emotion. 

“Where’s your brother?” Dwalin finally asks, keeping his voice low so Thorin doesn’t hear. 

“He was gone when I woke up,” Fili admits, and he glances towards the doorway as well. “He must have left early this morning because he was still in bed when I got up around five to piss. He’s probably just at the theatre.”

“I hope you realize that you had no right to say any of that shit to him last night,” Dwalin says, and his original anger begins to build again. How could Fili have been so cruel? “He’s your brother!”

“I know,” Fili murmurs, and he ducks his head away. “I was just… so mad at how he was treating Sigrid. It was embarrassing! I know I shouldn’t have lost my temper or said the things I did, but I was just so frustrated. It’s not like I meant any of them.”

“Perhaps you didn’t, but I don’t think _he_ knows that,” Dwalin says, before he narrows his eyes and huffs a breath out through his nostrils. “And if you _ever_ make a condescending remark about his sexuality again, it will be the last remark that you ever make, do I make myself clear?” Dwalin says – Dwalin who has heard comments all his life about his sexuality. Dwalin who refuses to watch Kili suffer the same treatment he did, at the hands of his brother no less. 

Fili winces, and nods his head, looking properly ashamed. “I’ll apologize the moment he’s back.”

However, the morning stretches on, and Kili doesn’t return. Thorin eventually realizes that he’s left, and phones him six times, each voicemail angrier than the next. Dwalin knows that in all likelihood Kili is completely fine, just taking the space that he needs, and so he convinces Thorin to leave him be. They have a nice lunch the four of them, and then after the dishes are done, Thorin decides to drive Fili and Sigrid back to York himself. 

Dwalin sends Kili a text to let him know that Thorin is leaving with Fili, and then he sets up camp in the arm chair. He waits patiently because he knows that Kili will come home soon enough. He doesn’t, though. The sunlight fades from the sky and Kili still isn’t home. Thorin returns back and throws a fit the moment he realizes Kili hasn’t returned yet, and then waffles about calling the police. 

He eventually decides to leave it, and goes to bed. Dwalin remains in the arm chair, although if he doesn’t hear from Kili by midnight, he’ll call the police himself. Worry has just about gnawed a hole in his stomach by the time it’s quarter to midnight and Kili slips back inside the apartment. 

The apartment is dark when he finally creeps back in, and then suddenly a light flicks on in the living room. It startles him, and he jumps a mile, slamming his elbow against the wall. He swallows the curse that threatens to slip out, because he doesn’t know yet if it’s Thorin or Dwalin. Dwalin wouldn’t care if he swore, but Thorin certainly would, and he already seems angry enough with him. 

He sidles around the corner to see Dwalin sitting in his arm chair, his brows furrowed. Kili’s heart sinks, because it’s been a bad enough day, and he’d really like to go to bed without any further embarrassing situations happening. He doesn’t think he can handle hearing how annoying he is any more. 

“Yes, I’m back,” he says, beginning to tip-toe towards his room. “Goodnight!”

“Hold it right there,” Dwalin says sternly, before his voice softens into something a lot more tender that makes Kili’s stomach ache. “Come sit down and talk to me.”

Kili hesitates, because Dwalin isn’t his guardian and he’s not _really_ obligated to talk to him. However, it’s also not in his best interests to disregard Dwalin either, so he moves to sit on the very edge of the couch, his body tense. He refuses to meet Dwalin’s gaze, because he couldn’t bear to look in his eyes and see the pity that is sure to be shining there – the pity that Dwalin carries for him because even he knows Fili raised such valid points. 

He can’t bear it, not today, not when he hurts as much as he does. 

“I’m really tired,” he says, hoping that perhaps will get him out of the conversation, or at least make it quick. 

“Kili, please,” Dwalin says, and he stands up to come and sit beside Kili, close enough that their knees are pressed together. It makes Kili want to cry, but he stares resolutely down at his hands. “I want to make sure you’re okay. Fili said some pretty terrible things.”

“Terrible and true,” Kili mutters, digging his thumb into the flesh of his palm. It stings sharply. 

“Don’t ever say that again,” Dwalin hisses. “You need to believe me when I say that absolutely none of it is true, Kili. You’re not a burden, and you don’t suffocate anybody. You’re a fantastic kid.”

Normally, such praise from Dwalin would ignite a fire in his belly that only his hand and a tube of slick could quench, but tonight the word _kid_ reverberates around in his head until his ears are ringing. No matter how much he tries to pretend that he’s mature, that he’s an adult and this thing with Dwalin is possible, he’s wrong. Dwalin will never look at Kili any differently than he always has. 

To Dwalin, Kili will always be just a kid. 

“Okay,” he says, because it’s not worth arguing over. “What time did Fili and Sigrid leave?”

“They hung around for a bit after lunch, but Thorin took them back by mid-afternoon. He was pretty sad to leave without talking to you first.”

Kili nods his head and forces a smile he doesn’t feel on to his face. “Okay, well, thanks for the talk. I’m going to head to bed, it’s been a long day.”

“Are you hungry?” Dwalin asks, his frown deepening. “Did you eat anything all day?”

“I’m fine,” Kili says, standing to his feet. He didn’t eat at all today, and yet he’s not hungry in the slightest. His stomach feels hollow and sore. “Goodnight, Dwalin.”

“You don’t believe me, do you?” Dwalin says, surging to his feet.

“No, I don’t,” Kili says simply, and his throat works hard as he swallows. “It doesn’t matter, okay? I’ll be eighteen soon, and then in June I can just… fuck off. Go somewhere else for a bit, maybe back to BC. Go be nobody’s responsibility but my own.”

Dwalin reaches out and he grabs Kili by the elbow, his touch gentle. He’s staring at Kili with pale eyes, and for a stupid, foolish moment, Kili thinks this is where the romantic music would begin to swell, and Dwalin would say something cliché like he’d like Kili to be his responsibility, and they’d kiss. Of course that doesn’t happen, though, because that’s not Kili’s life. Instead, Dwalin just frowns even further at him. 

“When you’re eighteen, you’re going to go to university and make something of yourself,” is what he actually says. “Your mum would want that.”

He wants to get angry at Dwalin for using his mum as emotional manipulation, but he doesn’t have the energy. He’s hanging on by a thread, and the last thing he needs to hear is what Dis would have wanted for him. If she was here, none of this would be happening. He’d still be living in Vancouver, and he’d be a well-adjusted teenager who didn’t rely on his older brother for love and affection. 

He’d be normal.

“Maybe she’d be tired of me, too,” he wonders aloud. He looks past Dwalin’s broad shoulder to where his bedroom is, and he wishes he was in there now and away from Dwalin’s perceptive gaze. “Everyone eventually is.”

“I’m not tired of you,” Dwalin says quietly, and his grip on Kili’s elbow loosens. He rubs the skin under the sleeve of his t-shirt gently with his thumb. 

Kili shivers from the touch, and swallows the lump in his throat. He looks up through his lashes to watch the way Dwalin’s eyes track the movement of his throat, and he knows that regardless of what Dwalin has said in the past, there is still something between them. However, he will never push for anything again, because he does not think he can handle being rejected any more. 

“I know I’m a kid,” he says carefully, holding very still so Dwalin doesn’t move his hand away. “Just a kid, one that you have been patiently indulging. You don’t have to pretend any longer, Dwalin. I’ll be an adult soon, and I can handle rejection. I know you’re not interested in me, not like that – ”

He’s cut off as Dwalin suddenly tights his grip once more and drags Kili closer so that he can lean down and kiss him. The kiss is chaste at first, but when Kili sucks in a startled breath, Dwalin deepens the kiss with a sweep of his tongue. A filthy noise rumbles low in Dwalin’s throat, and Kili is stunned. 

Rather than stop and question this sudden turn of events, Kili accepts it for what it is. He slides his arms around the thick muscles of Dwalin’s shoulders and hauls himself even closer, returning the kiss with as much fervor as he’s been given. His entire body is tingling, he feels like he’s been turned inside out. This is the first time that Dwalin has initiated something between them, and Kili knew – he _knew_ that this wasn’t over. 

Dwalin is eventually first one to break the kiss, but he doesn’t move away from Kili. He keeps their faces pressed close together as he murmurs, “You’re perfect just the way you are, can’t you realize that?”

His stomach swoops and he feels dizzy from this turn of events. There’s attraction, and then there’s realizing that Dwalin actually feels something genuine for him. He thinks Kili is perfect the way he is, this goes beyond anything physical. This is a real connection, this is an actual romance story and it’s happening to _him_! 

Down the hallway, he can hear Thorin’s bedroom door open, and he silently curses his uncle for his ill-timed attempts. He takes two steps back from Dwalin and runs a hand through his messy hair, looking down at the carpet in the hopes that Thorin won’t take one look at his face and know that he’s been making out with Dwalin. 

Beard burn is a bitch. 

“Where in god’s name have you been all this time?” Thorin asks, and Kili knows rationally that Thorin’s anger always masks his fear, and it gives his tone a rough, harsh edge. He knows this, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to hear. “You’ve been gone all day, and refused to answer me! You ruined Thanksgiving!”

That one does hurt a bit more than the rest, and Kili winces. He knew that this holiday had been important to Thorin because he had been so determined to show that they were capable of being a normal family. It had failed spectacularly, as Kili knew it would, because they aren’t normal – they’re hardly even a family. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, because it’s always easier to apologize to Thorin than fight him, most of the time. Kili is feeling tired and drained, and there’s no point in arguing. When it comes to fighting with Fili, Thorin _always_ takes Fili’s side, so Kili has learned over the past couple of years when to pick his battles and when to let it go. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Thorin, he didn’t ruin Thanksgiving in the slightest,” Dwalin suddenly says, and his voice is sharp. “That’s a shitty thing to say to him.”

“It’s fine,” Kili says, because he certainly doesn’t want to be the reason that Dwalin and Thorin fight. “I’m sorry, Uncle. I’m just…” his voice cracks without warning, and he scowls down at his toes, hating the weakness that he can’t help but show. “I’m sorry, okay? I’ll see you in the morning.”

He disappears down the hallway, and this time neither Dwalin nor Thorin stop him. He has barely shut his door before he hears them begin to fight. Crawling into his bed, he stuffs his head under the pillow to block out the shouting. God, he hopes they don’t wake Bilbo up with all their noise. Any joy and desire he had felt when Dwalin had kissed him has completely evaporated, all he feels is sick. 

_They shouldn’t fight_, he thinks, his eyes burning hot and bright. _They never fought before I came. Dwalin should stay far away from me, because Fili’s right – I ruin everything I touch. _

***

Dwalin wants to slam his bedroom door to emphasize his point, but it’s the middle of the night and he’s a grown adult. He also doesn’t need Bilbo coming over, banging on the door and asking why they’re all so upset. He’s such a nosy neighbor, Dwalin misses their old neighbors who had no idea who they were, and he didn’t know them, even after years of living side by side. He closes his door firmly, and then gives Thorin the finger from the safety of his room.

He pulls his shirt off and lobs it into the hamper, his pants following. He crawls into bed in just his boxers, and clicks his lamp off. The window has been open all day, and there’s a nice breeze wafting in. He pulls the covers up and settles into the mattress, his mind churning. 

He had seen the shuttered look on Kili’s face after Thorin had told him he had ruined Thanksgiving. Kili hadn’t been on his best behavior during the holiday dinner, that much was true, but Dwalin knows that he’s not completely at fault. He’s young, and his relationship with Fili has been precarious enough since the elder went away to university. The first time that Fili came home really shouldn’t have been with a girl that none of them had ever heard about. 

He doesn’t want to fault Fili for getting a girlfriend, though. In all honesty, she’s probably good for him. It’s been a hard road for the boys, and Dwalin knows that Fili needs stability in his life. From everything that he had been able to see, she had seemed like a polite, thoughtful girl who was genuinely intrigued with Fili. 

His throat feels thick as he thinks of how Kili also needs stability. Getting tangled up with Dwalin isn’t going to provide him that – if anything, it will do the complete opposite and give him even more insecurities. Dwalin needs to step back, he knows this, and yet why is it so hard to do? He had no right to kiss Kili tonight, but he just couldn’t stand around and do nothing while Kili looked so forlorn. 

Kili is seventeen and Thorin’s nephew, Dwalin has absolutely no right to be attracted to him. And yet, for some reason, he appeals to Dwalin in every single way. He can’t stop thinking about him. His first thought in the morning, his thought around noon, around dinner, and before bed – Kili fills his waking moments every day. It’s horrible and wrong, he knows it is. Every time he thinks of Kili, he thinks of Thorin, and he feels absolutely gutted inside. 

Thorin is his best friend. Thorin is more of a brother to him than Balin ever has been, if he’s completely honest with himself. They’ve been together for fifteen years, and have seen each other at their highest and at their lowest. Thorin had been with him when he first started his gym, and had counseled him financially when it had been the most stressful period of Dwalin’s life. He was Dwalin’s greatest supporter. 

Dwalin had been the reason that Balin had agreed to hire Thorin, even though Thorin always tried to stand on his own merits. Balin had remarked though how good Thorin was for the Fundinson family. Dwalin has been by Thorin’s side through it all – losing Dis and taking the boys in. They had been clueless what to do with two teenage boys who had just lost their mother. 

They have been thicker than thieves, and how can Dwalin betray his trust like this? For that is surely what he’s doing – he is violating Thorin’s trust in him. Every day Thorin leaves Dwalin with Kili, because he assumes that Dwalin is a decent person and will look after Kili’s welfare. What would Thorin say if he knew that Dwalin wanted nothing more than to press Kili down against his sheets and see what kind of other sounds he could coax from him?

Groaning, he rolls over in his bed to face the window. He needs to find a way to stop thinking about Kili so much. It’s becoming distracting, and Dwalin knows that even at work he is making the simplest of mistakes. Just the other day he was sparring with Tauriel, and she had managed to take him down within thirty seconds, a feat that has never happened before. It will never happen again either, not if Dwalin has anything to do with it. 

He feels protective over Kili, though, and he can’t help it. He’s always felt it, even when they first got him and he had been spitting mad every single day. Dwalin had seen him thaw over time, though, blooming into a mischievous, hilarious star. He doesn’t know when everything inside of him shifted, all he knows is that it did. It’s inappropriate though, and it needs to end immediately. It doesn’t matter how much Dwalin enjoys looking at him, he needs to stop touching, because that’s not fair to Kili. He deserves the chance to find a boyfriend his own age, go off to university and experience life. 

Dwalin has experienced enough life already.


	8. Chapter 8

When Kili emerges from his bedroom that Sunday morning, Dwalin is nowhere to be found and Thorin is waiting for him on the couch. However, he’s dressed in a suit, so even though it’s a holiday, the lecture can’t last too long because Thorin will be going to work. 

“You’re going to work on Thanksgiving weekend?” He asks quietly, going to sit down beside Thorin and he pulls a blanket over himself so only his face remains. 

“Yes,” Thorin says, and he sets his coffee cup down on the end table. He turns to face him, reaching up to gently smooth Kili’s hair back before he drops his hand. “Are you all right, Kili?”

“I’m fine,” Kili says, even as his heart clenches with the urge to talk to Thorin about everything that’s going on. He wouldn’t understand though, he’d just get angry, and Kili really isn’t interested in starting another fight. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was. I should have texted.”

“I just wish you weren’t always running away,” Thorin says heavily, resting his forearms on his thighs, and he looks over at Kili. His eyes are dark, but Kili can still read the frustration and disappointment in them. 

It makes his stomach twist, and he feels sorry for Thorin, because Thorin doesn’t know how to deal with a teenager like him, nor did he ever want to. 

“Me too,” he replies glumly, looking away. 

“Perhaps you could work on that,” Thorin says, and he pats Kili on the shoulder before he stands and straightens his tie. “Do you have any plans for today?”

“Not really,” Kili says, because he doesn’t have friends and Fili has gone back to university. He hates that Thorin always asks him if he’s going out, because it’s so painfully obvious how pathetic Kili is. “Although, I thought I might go to the gym. Dwalin gave me a free membership, and so I’ve been going.”

“That sounds like it would be good, and don’t forget to do your homework as well,” Thorin advises. “You don’t want to leave it until the very last day. I’ll be home shortly before five, and I thought we could order a pizza.”

“Sure,” Kili says, because he likes pizza. “That sounds good. I’ll see you later, then?”

“Of course,” Thorin says. He gathers the rest of his belongings like his coat and his briefcase and then he touches Kili gently on the top of the head against, resting his hand there. “I hope you know how thankful I am for you this holiday season,” he says, and then leaves quickly before Kili can even formulate a response, closing the door quietly behind him. 

Thorin never slams the door, Kili has realized over the years. He’s usually the first to raise his voice, although Kili is probably a close second. It takes a lot more for Dwalin or Fili to yell. 

At the thought of his older brother, Kili’s chest tightens and he scowls at the wall. He misses Fili, he misses him desperately. For the past three months, Kili has been floating adrift, because with Fili gone, he feels like he is missing a limb and he feels all off-kilter. He needs his brother to balance himself, and yet, Fili is tired of that responsibility and doesn’t want to be responsible for him anymore. 

He sighs and drags his hair back out of his face, tying it into a pony before he stands to gather his stuff for the gym. Rather than have his thoughts dwell on Fili, he’d much rather go to the gym and imagine Fili’s face on a punching bag. 

At least the pain on his knuckles would match the pain in his chest.

***

“Hey, you’re looking a lot better.”

Kili turns at the compliment, pushing damp hair that has escaped his ponytail out of his eyes. He’s red faced and sweat is dripping down his temples, but he simply nods his head to Tauriel in thanks. He can’t possibly fathom that he looks better, but she’s not the type to compliment needlessly, so she must believe it. 

“I mean it,” she confirms, moving closer and she puts a hand on her hip as her gaze sweeps over him thoughtfully. “I can tell your arms have grown in their definition, you’re looking a lot stronger than you did even two weeks ago.”

“Thanks,” Kili says, grabbing his water bottle and he guzzles a swallow down. “Dwalin’s really been working on my arms, and I think it’s starting to pay off. I feel a lot stronger.”

“It’s a good look for you,” she says, giving him a small smile. “Keep it up.”

“Thanks,” he repeats, watching as she crosses the room to where a tall girl is waiting, deep black hair coiffed perfectly and Kili can see the length of her nails from here. He snorts, she won’t last here very long. He turns back to his punching bag and gives another hit. 

Twenty minutes later, he’s nearly split the skin on the knuckles of his right hand, and decides he’s done. He obviously needs to learn how to tape his hands up better. He grabs his bag and heads to Dwalin’s office to see if he has time to spar with him. He knocks on the closed door and then lets himself in. He knows that he’s taking more liberties than he should, but this new twist to their relationship confuses him. 

Dwalin says nothing can happen, and then he’s kissing Kili. 

It’s no wonder why he’s so confused. He wants to talk to Dwalin about last night, and why he had kissed him. He thinks there’s an attraction there, he’s pretty confident of it, but there’s still a small piece of him that worries that whatever Dwalin is doing, he’s doing it out of a sense of pity, and Kili just couldn’t stand it if that was the case. 

_Oh, don’t give us none of your aggravation, we had it with your discipline! Saturday night’s alright for fighting, get a little action in!_

Of course, bloody Elton John is playing quietly from the laptop speakers, and Dwalin glances up from his desk where he’s doing paperwork. Kili can pinpoint the exact moment that Dwalin notices the sweat on him, because the heat in his gaze darkens. Kili feels a shiver run through him, and he shuts the door behind him. 

“I was wondering if you had some time to spar,” he says, wandering over to the desk. He goes around to Dwalin’s side and leans a skinny hip against the side of it, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s wearing his standard black shorts, but he traded in his t-shirt for a tight white one, and it’s a bit see through. “I was thinking we should work on my legs.”

Dwalin looks down at his legs before his eyes go to his watch. “We can arrange that,” he says. He reaches out and catches Kili’s hand, tugging it closer so he can look at the skin that’s nearly split. He nods his head approvingly and releases him. “I’m tired of paperwork, and I can do it later.”

“But first, I was hoping we could talk,” Kili says, and he forces himself not to fidget. He needs to appear like a mature, respectable adult. He turns so his butt is resting against the desk, and he lays his hand behind himself. “You shouldn’t fight with Thorin over me. I’m not worth it.”

“Thorin is too hard on you,” Dwalin says, and he lifts a hand to rest against Kili’s hip. His thumb rubs slow circles through the material of his shorts. “He needs to be reined in, every now and then.”

“I’m used to it,” Kili says honestly. “He always takes Fili’s side when it comes to things. He always has, and he’s not going to change just because Fili’s gone from home now.”

“I’ll take your side,” Dwalin says, and Kili’s stomach flips over. “You need someone in your corner.”

“I can take care of myself,” Kili says, and he pushes away from the desk. He wishes he knew what Dwalin wanted from him. “Can we spar now?”

“Sure,” Dwalin says agreeably, pushing himself to his feet and he follows Kili out of his office and down to the training room where the mats are. They typically have been training in a section of the gym where they’re not alone, but Kili heads for an empty room, and Dwalin simply follows him without complaint. 

Kili stretches his arms above his head, holding the pause for a beat longer than is necessary, just to watch the way Dwalin’s eyes focus on the patch of skin that is revealed. He drops his arms and shakes them out, loping over to the mat. “I hope you’re ready to eat dust, old man.”

That startles a laugh out of Dwalin, and he advances forward with an easy going grin on his face. “Dust is delicious.”

Christ, he’s so handsome. 

They end up sparring for a bit, and it finally comes to an end when Kili manages to pin Dwalin down on the mat. He’s pretty sure that it only happened due to lack of trying on Dwalin’s behalf, more than anything. Dwalin lays back on the mat and looks up at Kili, quiet and pensive, but he lets Kili straddle his hips and remain there. He even lifts his hands to rest against Kili’s hips. His hands are wide, they span so much of him, and Kili can only imagine those hands spanning _other_ things. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Dwalin finally says. 

Kili raises his eyebrows and looks around to ensure that they’re still alone before he replies, saying, “Doing what? Sparring?”

“You know what,” Dwalin says, and his beard feels rough against Kili’s palm as he smooths it down. “You’re young, and this is a dangerous game we’re playing.”

“It’s not a game, at least not to me,” Kili says, and he feels a flash of fear shoot through him. What if none of this is real to Dwalin?

He leans down and kisses Dwalin hard, swallowing his reply. He can’t bear to hear what it could be. Dwalin wraps an arm around Kili’s back and holds him close as he sits up, settling Kili right into his lap. He moans, licking at the seam of Kili’s lips until they open. Kili is immediately hard, although it doesn’t take much for that to happen. He rolls his hips down against Dwalin’s, biting at Dwalin’s bottom lip. 

Dwalin lifts a hand to tangle in Kili’s long hair, pulling it free from his ponytail. He uses his grip on his hair to pull Kili’s head back, breaking the kiss and exposing his long, pale throat. Kili’s breathing has quickened as he closes his eyes, seeing the universe burst behind his eyelids as Dwalin litters his neck in long, sucking marks. 

“Anyone could walk in and see us,” Dwalin murmurs against his skin, his teeth scraping. 

“It’s a Sunday and a holiday, the place is practically deserted,” Kili says dismissively. He reaches between their bodies to slide his hand up the inside of Dwalin’s shirt to find a nipple. He rolls it between his fingers and then pinches it gently. Dwalin hisses between his teeth, and retaliates by biting the meat of Kili’s shoulder, sucking a bruise into his pale skin. 

“I’d feel more comfortable taking this to my office,” Dwalin says, and now he’s gently nudging Kili off of him so he can stand up. He pulls Kili up with him, and keeps their hands tangled as they leave the training room. 

Kili won’t argue about going somewhere more private. It would appear that even though Dwalin believes they shouldn’t be doing any of this, somehow they keep doing it, and now Kili is convinced that they’ll be able to take this a lot further than he ever imagined. So far, they’ve really only exchanged kisses, and the one groin rub that Dwalin put to an end way too soon. They’ve never gone further than that yet, although Kili is hopeful that perhaps today might change that. 

He follows Dwalin into his office and shuts the door behind them, flipping the lock. It clicks loudly in the silence of the room, and Kili looks up to see Dwalin watching him with a predatory look in his eyes. A quick grin slips on to Kili’s face before he can stop it, and it only grows wider when he sees that Dwalin is also smiling. He’s reaching out for Kili, pressing him against the door. 

He feels completely boxed in with Dwalin’s arms on either side of him, but he doesn’t feel claustrophobic. Not with the way Dwalin moves his hands so he’s cupping Kili’s face with both hands, giving him a long, searching look in the eyes before he leans down and kisses him, deep and wet. It curls Kili’s toes right in his Converse sneakers. He spreads his legs, and he was only shifting to get comfortable, but Dwalin takes the movement as something else and slides his thigh between Kili’s own. He takes it for the offer that it is, though, and rolls his hips down. 

He should be embarrassed by the fact that he’s practically riding Dwalin’s thigh, but for some reason… he’s not. It seems that when he’s with Dwalin, any sort of mortification goes out the window. He’s never felt so comfortable around him – how could he have ever been afraid Dwalin?

“I want you,” he tells him quietly in between kisses. “And I want you to know the truth. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never even been kissed before, not really.” He doesn’t count the kiss from Nori anymore, not when he knows what it means to be properly kissed now. 

Dwalin pauses, and Kili worries for a moment that he’s properly wrecked everything, that Dwalin will pull away and insist that Kili can do better than an old man like himself, or be upset that Kili originally lied to him. He doesn’t do any of those things, though. Instead, he looks at Kili with an almost calculating gaze, and a small smile appears on his lips. 

“I’m your first?” He asks, and Kili should really be offended at how much pride he’s taking in that fact, but he doesn’t care, at least not in this moment. 

“My first for everything,” he says, raising an eyebrow. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Let’s take it one day at a time,” Dwalin says, and there’s the cautious character that Kili has become accustomed to. 

“I want you,” he insists again, and he rolls his hips down harder to emphasize his point. 

“You’ve got me,” Dwalin promises, and he leans back in to kiss him roughly. The kiss is becoming positively filthy, Dwalin’s tongue has set up camp in Kili’s mouth and he absolutely loves it. Dwalin’s hands are roaming all over his body, sliding down his belly until one suddenly slides against the bulge in Kili’s shorts. 

He jerks, his head slamming back against the door. 

Dwalin laughs and simply crowds closer. The palm of his hand is pressing so hotly against Kili, unless perhaps it’s Kili that’s burning up. His fingers are nimble as they explore through the material of his shorts, and Kili realizes that Dwalin is feeling out the complete length of his dick. It only makes him harder, and when Dwalin’s fingers rub against the crown, Kili’s knees buckle and it’s only due to Dwalin’s strength that he remains upright. 

Kili is no stranger to having his dick touched, but it’s always been his hand doing the touching. He never dreamt how much _better_ it could be when it was somebody else. If it felt this good with Dwalin touching him through two layers, what would it feel like if there were no layers separating them? How good would it feel if Dwalin was… _inside_ of him?

Kili would very much like to get laid, he’s already seventeen! And really, if he’s going to pick someone to take his virginity, it’s actually best that it’s Dwalin and not some uncouth slob his age that would only fumble around and have no idea what he was doing. They might even hurt him accidentally. In all honesty, sleeping with Dwalin is actually safer for him, really. 

Dwalin’s hand moves off of his groin, and Kili only has a moment to miss his touch before he realizes that Dwalin’s hand is going to the waistband of his shorts, and he’s beginning to tug them down. He shivers, feeling uncertain on this development, but there’s nothing to fear here. There’s just Dwalin, and Kili knows that if he says stop, the older man will. 

With that assurance in the back of his mind, Kili reaches up to help Dwalin tug his shorts and boxer briefs down around his thighs. Kili’s cock bobs against the hem of his t-shirt, and he sucks in a breath at the sudden cool air against his heated skin. It’s the first time that Dwalin has seen him naked – it’s actually the first time anyone has seen him. Normally he would have been plagued with self-doubt and be worried that he didn’t look right, but when he glances up at Dwalin, he’s struck by how… in _awe_ Dwalin seems of him. It’s a hell of a confidence boost, and Kili feels nothing but beautiful here. 

The way Dwalin licks his lips is all the confirmation he needs. 

“I’m going to ask this before I continue,” Dwalin says, brushing his fingertips over Kili’s hip, and his cock jumps. “Are you sure about this?”

It’s a little unfair for Dwalin to be asking that now, considering Kili is already naked. He would probably say yes to anything right now. However, he still appreciates the sentiment, and leans up to kiss him. “Please touch me,” he says. 

Dwalin’s hand just ghosts over his cock when there’s a firm knock on the door, and then the doorknob rattles furiously as it’s attempted to turn. Kili jerks forward in surprise, his hand going down to his shorts, trying to find the waistband so he can yank them back up. 

“What?” Dwalin calls, keeping Kili curled in between him and the door, Kili’s cock still jutting out, a pearly white bead budding at the top. 

“It’s me,” Tauriel says, and the door jangles again. “Why’s your door locked? Open it up, we’ve got to talk.”

“It’ll have to wait,” Dwalin says, although he’s reaching down for Kili’s shorts now. 

Kili wants to throw a fit, he wants to grab Dwalin’s hand and drag it back to his cock. They’ve shared kisses a handful of times now, it’s fascinating and intoxicating and all that, but at the end of the day, Kili wants _more_. 

“No,” he hisses, stopping his shorts from being pulled up all the way. The motion causes the head of his cock to brush against the side of Dwalin’s hand, smearing pre-cum. “Don’t you dare, please.”

“It’s important,” Tauriel says, and she bangs on the door again. “Open up, let’s go.”

“I’m sorry,” Dwalin says, and he pulls Kili’s shorts up all the way, covering him up. He steps back to let Kili move away from the door, but he keeps their gaze connected as he lifts his fist to his mouth and drags his tongue over his skin, licking Kili off of him. 

It’s the hottest thing that’s ever happened to him. 

He adjusts himself in his shorts and slides under Dwalin’s arm and away from him, pulling his hair back into a ponytail as Dwalin unlocks the door and opens it. She breezes inside of the room and stops when she notices Kili, raising one eyebrow. 

“I thought you had left,” she says. 

“Just heading home now,” Kili says, grabbing his gym bag and he slings it over his arm, letting it rest in front of him and cover up the rest of his erection that won’t go away. “I’ll see you later, Dwalin.”

He ducks around Tauriel and heads out of the gym, going out into the rainy street. He knows that the interruption wasn’t Dwalin’s fault, but he’s worried that Dwalin will use this time to rethink everything again. Kili’s tired of thinking, he wants to act. They’ve made the decision to do… whatever this is. 

Kili’s ready to see it through.

***

It would appear that the decision has been made for Dwalin. He feels like he should be a lot more afraid than he is. He’s actively deciding to get involved with a seventeen year old, and rather than feel afraid and petrified, he feels… calm. If anything, he feels a little excited. He wants to finish work and go home to where Kili is, he wants to press Kili down in his bed and slowly jerk him off, watching every reaction ripple over the expressive face. 

Just the little bit of Kili he had tasted had been so good. He can’t imagine getting to taste the rest of him, to watch Kili’s face as Dwalin sucks him down. He’d probably come in a moment, considering that nobody has ever touched him before. 

No one but Dwalin. 

If he had known that he was going to be Kili’s first kiss, he wouldn’t have done it, not by a long shot. He didn’t know, though, and he wasn’t really given much of a choice – Kili had kissed _him_ the first time. He hadn’t felt too bad considering Kili had said that he’d kiss around plenty, but apparently that wasn’t true. Dwalin should have seen that lie coming in hindsight, unless Kili was out of the closet in Vancouver, then he’s not surprised that he’s never had the opportunity. 

He finishes up quickly with Tauriel, and is just stepping outside of the gym when his cell phone rings. He pulls it from his pocket and sees that it’s Thorin. Guilt punches him hard in the chest and he stares wordlessly down at his phone. 

Thorin knows. 

Of course Thorin will know. Not only is he smart and perceptive, but Kili isn’t subtle. He is many wonderful things, but he is certainly not discreet, and of course he told Thorin in less than two hours. How is Thorin going to react? It was really just a kiss, and the first one was a complete mistake. Perhaps Thorin will forgive him. 

“Hello?” Dwalin answers, and he keeps his tone brusque. He can’t afford to show weakness. 

“Hey, it’s Thorin,” he says, like he hasn’t realized the year and that every cell phone has caller ID when you’re a contact. But more importantly, Thorin sounds normal, he doesn’t sound angry at all. “Are you on your way home?” 

“Just leaving the gym, why?” Dwalin replies, and he feels the paranoia slowly bleeding out of him. 

“Can you stop at the grocery store on your way home?” Thorin asks, and it’s a mundane question enough that Dwalin lets the rest of the guilt drift away. “I just browned some hamburger and onions for spaghetti, but realized we’re out of pasta and tomato sauce.”

“Both are a bit essential for spaghetti,” Dwalin says cheerfully, climbing on to the bus. “I’ll grab a loaf of garlic toast as well.”

They hang up after that, and Dwalin’s left the rest of his bus ride to contemplate what he’s doing with his life. The brief moment he had thought Thorin knew, he had felt overwhelmed and panicked. However, now that it’s passed, it’s hard to recall just how terrible he had felt. He knows it’s wrong to get involved with Kili, but it won’t be wrong for long – Kili turns eighteen in six months.

If Dwalin can hold off until then, he’s golden. 

The grocery store is packed, despite the fact that it’s a holiday Sunday, but Dwalin makes quick work of his time there. He also grabs a carton of Chapman’s caramel praline, because it’s Kili’s absolute favorite. He grabs a couple of other items that they might need throughout the week, and then hauls it the two block walk to home in the pouring rain.

His jacket’s plastered to his body by the time he shoulders the apartment door open, and he sets the wet bags down on the floor so he doesn’t track in a mess. The place smells good, he can detect onions and garlic. It’s so rare that any of them cook, but it’s always worth it when they do. 

“I’m home,” he calls, hoping Thorin will come help him unload. 

It’s not Thorin that comes, because that would have been entirely too simple. Instead, it’s Kili that appears in the front entryway. He’s recently showered, his hair slicked up into a wet bun on the top of his head. He’s wearing a long, grey sleeved shirt and a pair of grey sweat pants. His cheeks are still flushed, and he looks absolutely delicious. 

Dwalin shouldn’t want him the way he does.

“Where’s Thorin?” he asks, passing the two jugs of milk over to Kili. It’s ridiculous the amount of milk they go through. He had hoped that with Fili leaving they’d reduce their grocery cost, but if anything Kili just seems to be eating more. Bottomless pit guppy.

“He’s resting his eyes on the couch,” Kili says with a grin. 

Thorin always refutes the fact that he will fall asleep on the couch. Instead, he will protest until he’s blue in the face that he’s simply resting his eyes, and he’s perfectly aware of everything that is going on. Considering that one time Kili and Fili put silly putty in his beard and he had to shave his entire face bare and was furious for weeks, Dwalin very much doubts that Thorin is aware of _anything_ while he’s sleeping. 

“How are you doing?” Dwalin asks carefully, feeling a bit awkward. He’s still hoping that everything is all right, that Kili doesn’t feel… violated.

Kili glances over his shoulder before he picks his way through the groceries so he can lean up to whisper in Dwalin’s ear. “I jerked off twice in the shower using your shower gel,” he says. “And I’m still not satisfied.”

Dwalin fumbles and drops the bag of cans he had been holding. They clatter all over the floor, including his toes, and he curses loudly. There’s a huff of breath from the living room, and then Thorin is appearing in the front entry way. He has a crease on the side of his face from the couch pillow, and he raises an eyebrow. 

“What is happening here?” He asks, his voice rough from sleep. He grins when he sees the soup cans everywhere. “Ha.”

“Very funny,” Dwalin mutters, bending down and he begins to gather them back up. Kili thankfully takes his uncle’s arrival in stride, and scoots into the kitchen to put the milk jugs away in the fridge. 

Dwalin doesn’t think he had ever been so forward when he was young. Forget young, he’s still not that forward now. Kili has never experienced any of this before, surely he should be a lot more hesitant and shy? Unless he’s overextending his confidence in a bid to not appear so virginal. Dwalin hates to admit it, because he knows how terrible it makes him seem, but he kind of likes that Kili is so new to this. It’s Dwalin that will show him the world, it’s Dwalin that will open him right up. 

Literally and figuratively. 

He snorts out some laughter and passes the bag over to Thorin so he can finish gathering up the rest of the bags, and he follows Thorin into the kitchen. 

“Kili!” Thorin snaps, and Dwalin looks over his shoulder to see that Kili’s drinking straight from the milk jug. 

“Sorry,” he says, sounding completely unrepentant. He wipes away a white moustache with the back of his hand and grins at them. “I’m the only one who drinks it anyway, what does it matter?”

“I use it for cooking,” Thorin says, although he smiles when both Kili and Dwalin laugh at that. 

Thorin rarely cooks.

“I’m going to grab a shower,” Dwalin says because his jeans are squelching on the lino, leaving puddles. “Kili can put the rest of the groceries away if you want to heat up the sauce and get the spaghetti going.”

Kili squawks in protest, but he willingly enough goes to fetch the rest of the bags. Dwalin slides his pants off so he doesn’t cause a further mess, and he can’t even meet Kili’s eyes. He knows he’s being watched, but he simply folds his pants up into a ball and heads down into the bathroom. 

He turns the water spray as hot as he can bear it, and then climbs in. It’s probably stupid, but he would swear that if he breathed in deeply enough, he could still smell the scent of Kili’s deeds in here. Shuddering at the thought, he grabs his shower gel and sets to work stroking his erection, picturing Kili kneeling on the bottom of the tub, water clinging to his eyelashes as Dwalin spends all over his face.

***

Kili’s just put the last bit of food away so he can escape to his room when Thorin’s hand clamps down on his shoulder, and he’s steered back over to the stove. There’s an empty pot sitting on the counter, and Thorin smirks at him. 

“You’re going to learn how to make spaghetti,” he says. 

“What, no, why!” Kili protests. He’s tried to make pasta once, and it didn’t turn out well. Even Fili couldn’t choke it down for his sake. 

“You’re seventeen and it’s time you get a few skills under your belt,” Thorin says, nodding his head. “I’d be amiss to send you off to university without learning a few basics.”

“I’ve cooked before,” Kili says, even though that’s not true. When they had first originally come to live with Thorin, he had tried to set up a meal schedule and every night someone was responsible for cooking. It hadn’t turned out well, and the few short times that Kili had been responsible, he had connived Fili into doing the actual work for him. 

“Then tonight should be a breeze,” Thorin says cheerfully. “I’ve already browned the hamburger and onions, so I’ve already done half the work for you.”

Kili rolls his eyes, but he dutifully grabs the pot and fills it with water, setting it back down on the burner and water sloshes over the side. He grabs paper towel and wipes it up, cranking the burner on to high. 

“Don’t forget to salt your water,” Thorin, who has poured himself a glass of wine, advises. 

Kili dumps half of the salt shaker into the pot and sets the lid down on it with a clatter. He opens the bag of garlic toast and lays them out on the pan and then sets it aside since they’ll go last. He leans back against the counter and remains quiet. He doesn’t know how his relationship with Thorin got to be so rough. 

When he had first come to Toronto, Thorin had been so gentle with him. He had given him allowances to act out, and had told Dwalin that he was grieving. He supposes that eventually two years later he can’t claim the same amount of grief, even if it’s what he feels. If anything, he almost hurts more _now_ over his mum’s death than he did when it first happened. He was shocked at first, but now he’s beginning to realize just exactly what a life without her looks like. Fili’s gone to university and has his girlfriend – both instances are something his mum would have been excited over.

Kili is left behind and utterly alone. 

Would she have been happy if he had come out to her? He had originally figured out that he was gay shortly before she had died, and for a while there, he had wondered if it was God’s punishment on him for being perverted. Sometimes, when Azog’s got him pinned against a locker, he still wonders it. 

There’s a light tap on the front door that interrupts his thoughts, and he doesn’t even have to look through the peephole to know that it’s Bilbo. Nobody knocks as lightly as Bilbo does – in fact, nobody but Bilbo actually knocks on their door. 

“It’s Bilbo,” he says, not budging from his spot against the counter. 

“I’ll get it,” Thorin says, and he hurries to the entryway to open the door. “Bilbo, my friend! What a surprise, what brings you by?”

“Hello, Thorin.” There’s a warmth in Bilbo’s voice that makes Kili want to gag. He doesn’t think that they’re interested in each other, but their friendship is still weird all the same. “I’ve just baked some cookies, and I was rather hoping I could share them with you and your family.”

“I highly doubt anybody here would say no to fresh cookies!” Thorin says, and the door opens wider. “Have you ate yet? I know it’s a bit late, but we’re going to eat soon and you’re welcome to join us.”

“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Bilbo says as he comes into the kitchen and sets down a plate of cookies. 

Kili immediately goes to investigate, but upon closer look he realizes they’re raisin and not chocolate chip. Why would Bilbo even bother bringing them raisin cookies? Thorin will be the only one polite enough to choke them down. He’s saved being rude by Thorin gently pushing him away from the cookies, admonishing that his water is boiling and he needs to focus on the matter at hand. 

Thorin pours Bilbo a glass of wine, and just when Kili is about to feel annoyed that Thorin’s ditched him, Thorin tells Bilbo to have a seat in the living room and they’ll join him momentarily. Once they’re alone again, Thorin turns back to Kili and hands him the box of pasta. 

“You’ll want to probably do two handfuls,” he says, gathering up the first handful and he shows Kili how to drop it into the boiling water so that it fans out. 

Kili attempts to copy him with the second handful, but most of it ends up on the top of the stove. He quickly picks it up to avoid Thorin’s irritation, but his uncle simply huffs out a laugh and elbows him lightly in the side. 

“It takes a bit of practice,” he says, helping Kili add the second handful to the pot. “My first couple of tries ended up much like this, but thankfully I was alone and no one was the wiser. Make sure you turn your temp down to medium, otherwise it will boil over.”

Kili immediately turns the knob, and the water begins to simmer. He glances at the clock on the stove because everyone knows you don’t want to overcook your pasta and have it go all mushy. Thorin hands him a wooden spoon, and Kili diligently stirs the pasta so it doesn’t clump together. Thorin throws a sauce pan on to the stove and dumps the ground beef into it and then adds the two jars of pasta sauce. 

It takes less than fifteen minutes and suddenly they have a real, homecooked meal that Kili is mostly responsible for. The garlic toast is slightly burnt on the bottom, but Kili doubt that’s anyone will care. 

“This is nice,” Bilbo says, and he nods his head at Kili. “Thorin tells me that you made this yourself.”

“Did you really?” Dwalin says, and he takes a large bite out of his garlic toast. “I knew it tasted delicious.”

Kili has to smile at the praise from Dwalin, and he ducks his head. “Thorin helped me,” he says honestly.

“You hardly needed my help,” Thorin says, and he passes Kili the bag of shredded cheese so he can dump it on his spaghetti. “You did great, Kili.”

“Thanks,” Kili says, and the praise from Thorin almost warms him as much as the praise from Dwalin did. Perhaps he and Thorin can get their relationship back on track – he jumps as he feels something sliding up the inside of his thigh, and he glances down to see that Dwalin has his foot stretched under the table. 

He’s immediately hard, and all thoughts of Thorin go flying out of his head. Instead, all he can think about is Dwalin, and his mouth, and finally getting the hand wrapped around him. 

He spreads his legs a little further apart to give Dwalin more room, and shovels another forkful of spaghetti in his mouth. If he’s going to achieve several orgasms tonight, then he’s going to need to eat to keep his stamina up. Of course, how he thinks he’s going to achieve this with Thorin nearby he hasn’t figured out yet. It’s times like this when Kili almost wishes that Dwalin _didn’t_ live with them, because at least then they could sneak off to his place. 

The pressure on his cock lessens, and then disappears altogether as Thorin ropes Dwalin into a conversation about football. They’ve always cheered for opposite teams, with Thorin remaining a BC Lions fan through and through, regardless of the amount of time he has lived in Toronto. Dwalin, on the other hand, has cheered for several teams throughout his various phases of football. He’s currently on a Saskatchewan Roughriders kick, mostly because they’re doing so well. 

Kili hates football. 

He tunes the conversation out and eats the rest of his meal. Despite the fact that he slaved over the entire thing, Thorin tells him to clean up while the grown-ups retire to the living room to argue over which football game to watch. 

“The Riders are playing Hamilton,” Dwalin says stubbornly as they disappear into the living room. “I’m not watching the pansy Lions.”

“I would hardly call them pansies,” Bilbo says mildly, but Thorin and Dwalin simply speak over him and drown him out. 

Kili stacks all of the plates and cutlery into the sink and dumps the leftovers into a plastic container, putting it in the fridge. He wraps saran wrap around the plate that holds the bread, and sets it on the counter. He doesn’t feel like washing dishes, not when he’s still sure that there is something better happening for him tonight. 

“There are two TV’s,” he says, sliding into the living room. “Why don’t you and Bilbo go watch the Lions on his TV, and Dwalin can remain here and watch his dumb game.”

“Oh, I couldn’t impose on Bilbo like that,” Thorin says swiftly, but Kili doesn’t miss the look Thorin cuts Bilbo’s way. 

If anyone ever calls Kili unsubtle again, he’s going to point them in Thorin’s direction. He comes by it honestly. 

“No, that would be wonderful,” Bilbo says, and he hops up from his spot on the couch. “Besides, I have fresh apple pie at my house, but only BC fans can eat it.”

“Enjoy your pie,” Dwalin calls, and he’s already flicking the TV on and finding the game. 

Thorin goes to follow Bilbo out of the apartment, but pauses by the front door as he turns to look at Kili, who is still hovering in the background. ‘Aren’t you going to come and watch? You’re from BC, and you love apple pie.”

“I’m really stuffed,” Kili says, and hitches a shoulder towards his room. “Besides, I hate football. I got some assigned reading I have to finish before Tuesday class, so I’m gonna go force myself to do that.”

“Choosing reading over apple pie,” Thorin says, and he raises an eyebrow. “Why am I suspicious?”

“I’m not choosing a book over pie, I’m choosing reading over watching football,” Kili says. “Trust me, reading is the lesser of the two evils to me.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Thorin says, and then he’s out the door and it’s swinging shut behind him. 

“What reading do you have?” Dwalin asks as he settles on the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. 

Kili flips the lock in the door. “Absolutely none,” he says, crossing the floor to slide on to the couch, hitching a leg over Dwalin and he straddles his lap. “Hello.”

“You’re bad,” Dwalin says. He hesitates, like he’s remembering something, and sets his hand on Kili’s hips to push him away. “I think it’s best if we don’t. I need you to give me some time, to see if this is what I want.”

Kili stares at him, refusing to budge off of his lap. “Uhhh,” he trails off, raising one eyebrow. He should be feeling insulted, but all he can muster is amusement. “Shouldn’t you be saying that to me? I mean, I’m the young one here.”

Dwalin flushes because he can’t even argue against that point. “What I meant was…”

“In all the pornos I’ve watched with an older man and a younger guy, the older man is always saying oh babe, you could do so much better.”

Dwalin stares at him and Kili can’t even read the expression on his face. Fortunately, it doesn’t look like guilt. “I’m not calling you babe,” he settles on saying. 

“You can call me whatever you like,” Kili says, and he’s shifting closer on his lap, a soft smile playing around the corners of his lips. “Just as long as you call me.”

“Ugh,” Dwalin rolls his eyes. “Cheese, I’m going to call you cheese,” he says, but he settles a hand on Kili’s hip, and the other hand lifts to cup his face, drawing him down for a slow, wet kiss. 

They should have a good stretch of time that’s uninterrupted now, and Kili’s determined that they’re going to finish what they started in the gym. He’s already hard, but that seems to be his life these days. Any time he hears Dwalin, or sees him, or even thinks of him, it’s instant boner city. 

Dwalin’s hand doesn’t remain on his hip for long, but it immediately begins to roam around, rubbing slowly down his thigh before moving back up, his fingers dragging on the inside of Kili’s thigh. Even through the material of his jeans, the touch is hot. He can feel himself straining in his jeans, and he reaches down between them to unbutton his pants. 

He can’t bear to break the kiss, so he simply rises up on his knees, wriggling his pants down. Dwalin tries to help him, and finally wrenches away from Kili’s mouth with an annoyed grunt. 

“Why are your pants so fucking tight!” He mutters, holding Kili with one arm while the other assists in pulling them off. 

“They make my ass look fabulous,” Kili pants, and he finally manages to get one leg free. They peel off easy after that, and he throws them to the floor. 

“They do,” Dwalin agrees, and his hands slide around now to squeeze his ass through his boxer briefs. He slowly lowers those down Kili’s hips until they’re tangled around his thighs, and Kili’s trapped with his legs spread apart and his cock jutting out, the tip already wet. 

He had known that it would feel amazing to have the older man touch him, but the moment that Dwalin properly curls his hand around Kili’s cock, Kili feels like he’s about to explode. He feels too big for his skin, every nerve is sizzling, and he has to desperately reach down between them to squeeze the base, staving off his orgasm. 

“Fuck,” he whispers, his eyes meeting Dwalin’s. “Please,” he says, and he’s not even sure what he’s asking for. 

“I’ve got you,” Dwalin says, taking his hand away and he holds it up to Kili’s mouth. 

He immediately latches on, sucking the meat of his palm with as much enthusiasm as he can. He drags his tongue over Dwalin’s fingers repeatedly, pulling back with a string of spit stretching out before it breaks, landing wetly against his chin. Dwalin lowers his hand back down and takes Kili once more into his grasp, and this time his hand glides along with ease. 

Kili’s toes curl behind him, and he rests one hand against Dwalin’s shoulder so he can balance himself. He feels dizzy, the desire and pleasure coursing through his veins until he feels like he’s going to topple off the couch. He can’t stop making these punched out sounds, these _uh, uh, uh_ noises that he just can’t control. 

“I’m not going to last long,” he warns. He’d feel embarrassed about it, but he’s seventeen and someone is touching his dick for the first time. There’s no way he can last longer than a few minutes.

“I’m going to make it a personal challenge to make you come in less than a minute,” Dwalin says before he redoubles his efforts on Kili’s cock. On every upstroke, he thumbs the head just so, and Kili can feel the pleasure fissuring in the base of his spine.

He feels like he’s flying, and every time Dwalin twists his wrist, Kili can feel himself racing closer and closer towards the clouds. He feels weightless, his stomach dropping out from underneath him, and he pants out a wet gasp, clenching his eyes shut. 

He leans down and covers Dwalin’s mouth with his own, kissing him deeply. The feel of Dwalin’s long, wet tongue curling against his own, combined with the callouses on Dwalin’s thumb sliding against the slit, is enough to finally push him over the edge. The pleasure spreads throughout his entire body, and he gasps, muffled, against Dwalin’s mouth as he spills wetly between them. 

“Fuck,” Dwalin breathes, pulling back. His hand is continuing to stroke him, after-shocks shivering through him as his cock spurts a final effort. He finally releases him and leans over to the end table, snagging a Kleenex from the box so he can carefully wipe Kili clean. 

Kili lifts himself up on to his knees so he can pull his underwear back up, his heart still pounding in his chest and his fingers trembling. He’s had what he considers to be a large amount of orgasms in his life, but he’s never had one quite as intense as what Dwalin just gave him. He looks down between their bodies to see the bulge in Dwalin’s pants, and his mouth feels dry.

“Now it’s my turn,” he says in what he hopes is a seductive tone. He’s never even seen another dick in his life, let alone touch one, but he’s pretty confident he can figure it out. 

Azog once told him that he had a mouth for sucking cock, and Kili sincerely hopes that’s true. 

He can’t decide what he wants to do first. He wants to slowly explore Dwalin’s body with his hands, covering every inch of him. He wants to see how much of Dwalin’s cock he can fit in his mouth, see just how he tastes. He wants to do everything with him. He’s just put his hand on Dwalin’s zipper when the front door knob turns and rattles as Thorin attempts to get in the locked door. 

Dwalin swears, low and harsh, and Kili tumbles off of his lap. He knows better than to keep Thorin waiting out in the hallway, he doesn’t want to raise any suspicions. It’s already going to be tough enough to live under the same roof as Dwalin. He’s going to have to work hard on being subtle. He swipes his jeans from the floor and hurries into his bedroom, shutting the door carefully. 

He presses his ear to the thin door so he can listen to Dwalin unlock the door and admit Thorin, leaving it up to Dwalin to figure out an excuse as to why the door was locked at all. 

“What’s going on?” He hears Thorin rumble. 

“Why are you back so early?” Is Dwalin’s response, and Kili has to roll his eyes. Clearly he needs to have a conversation with Dwalin about subtlety. 

“Am I not allowed in my own home?” Thorin’s teasing, he can tell by the huff of laughter that follows his statement. “Bilbo, good intentioned as he was, only recorded half the show, and I have little desire to see a game in sections. Plus he got a bloody phone call from that aunt of his, and it seemed like a good excuse to leave.”

“I see.”

“What’s the score?”

“I’m… not certain,” Dwalin hedges and Kili swears he sprains his eyeballs from rolling them so hard again. This is never going to work unless Dwalin can get his shit together. “I’ve been… busy watching, though.”

“And you don’t know what the score is?” There’s the doubt in his uncle’s voice that he expected. Thorin is entirely too intelligent for Dwalin to have half-assed excuses. “You clearly haven’t been watching the game, and the door was locked. I’m going to presume with Kili squared away in his room, you’ve been using this time for… yourself.”

“Yes!” Relief floods through Dwalin’s voice. “Yes, that’s exactly it. I’ve been watching gay porn.”

“Jesus,” Thorin says. There’s silence, and then his uncle says, “I’m going to go to bed, so… carry on.”

“Goodnight,” Dwalin says firmly. 

Kili breaks away from the door and dives on to his bed, pulling the covers up over him and shoving his headphones on, grabbing his school book. By the time his door creaks open and Thorin is peeking his head inside, Kili is dutifully mouthing the words to himself, although he’s got no idea what’s happening. 

“I’m home, and going to bed,” Thorin says once Kili has removed his headphones. “I’ll probably stay up reading for a bit if you need me.”

“Okay,” Kili says, offering his uncle a quick grin before looking down at his book. The door shuts as Thorin leaves and Kili debates in his bed. 

It would probably be unwise to fool around with Dwalin while Thorin is just in his room, awake. However, there’s no reason why he can’t wait for a bit and _then_ sneak back out to the living room and finish what he’s started. He doesn’t want Dwalin to think he’s some sort of selfish git that only takes and never gives! Kili would love to get his hands on Dwalin. 

He snuggles down lower in his bed, dropping the book on to the floor. He will lie here quietly until he’s sure that Thorin has grown weary, and then he’ll creep back out. He’ll move in a bit, he’s just really comfortable and all blissed out from that orgasm, and his eyelids are just so heavy. He’s asleep before he knows it, and he doesn’t wake until morning.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s the next day, holiday Monday, when Kili finally gets a text from his brother, asking how he’s been. They haven’t spoken since Fili had said such hurtful things to him. Kili ignores the text messages, and then ignores the phone call that follows as well. He has absolutely nothing to say to Fili, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say. He takes the opportunity that day afternoon to ask Dwalin while they’re sparring. 

“Question for you,” he says, stepping back and panting a little. He had thought that perhaps Dwalin would go a little easier on him now that they have struck… something up, but it’s been the opposite, actually. If anything, Dwalin is working him harder and Kili leaves each gym session dripping in sweat and short of breath, and sadly not because any orgasms were had. 

“What’s up?” Dwalin pulls back to study him. 

“Fili keeps calling me,” Kili says, moving over to the long wooden bench that is pressed up against the wall. He picks up his black water bottle and takes a long guzzle. “I haven’t answered him yet, and I don’t know if I should.”

“Depends on why he’s calling,” Dwalin says, moving over closer to him, and Kili passes him the water bottle wordlessly so he can take a drink of his own. “If he’s calling to apologize and make things right, then I think you owe it to him to listen. If he’s calling to be a dick again, then yeah, don’t talk to him.”

Kili laughs, but it sounds hollow, even to him. Any time he thinks of Fili, he thinks of everything he said, and he can’t push those thoughts out of his head. All his life Fili has been his best friend, and now he feels like he doesn’t even know his brother at all. 

“I don’t know what he wants, I’ve ignored him every single time. I doubt he’d call me just to… say stuff again,” Kili says, and he sits down on the bench. He’s exhausted. “Maybe I’ll call him later.”

“I think you should,” Dwalin says, and he lowers his large frame down beside Kili’s. “You’re brothers. Even though you’re in the middle of a disagreement, he’s still your brother and you need to stay close to him.”

“Speaking of brothers, did Thorin tell you that he invited Balin over for supper tonight?” Kili asks, wrinkling his nose. He doesn’t really like Balin. The older man has been nothing but kind to Kili, but there’s a sharpness in his gaze that Kili doesn’t like, and it seems like Balin knows exactly what he’s thinking. 

Still, he’s more than Thorin’s boss now. He’s Dwalin’s brother, which means that Kili should probably give him another chance. 

“Bloody hell,” Dwalin mutters. “He’ll expect actual food. Balin hates take out.”

“Why don’t you make us steak,” Kili suggests, because now that he’s said it, he’s suddenly craving a nice steak. 

“Why don’t you make us spaghetti again,” Dwalin teases back, and he shoves Kili off the bench. 

He laughs as he rolls to the floor, and stays there on his back, gazing up at Dwalin. It’s odd that as much as he wants to make out with Dwalin, he wants to _talk_ with him. He had genuinely believed at first that this would just be a physical thing between them, but it’s not – not even close. Somehow, they have developed a friendship, a genuine relationship. 

“All right, you lazy sod,” Dwalin says, pushing himself to his feet and he nudges Kili’s ribs with the tip of his shoe. “Give me twenty pushups and then we’ll call it a day.”

“Unbelievable,” Kili mutters, but he rolls over to place himself in proper formation. 

“You’ll thank me someday,” Dwalin says with a laugh. 

Kili grins up at him. The weekend is almost over, which means he’s back to school tomorrow and will have to face Azog. He had the worst fight he’s ever had with his brother, but he’s actually managed to make out with Dwalin and receive a handjob from him. Despite everything that has happened, it’s strangely the best weekend he’s ever had.

***

Dwalin has never been religious. He’s not certain if there is a God, or perhaps even multiple gods. He tries to live his life in an acceptable fashion, and thinks that as long as he doesn’t commit murder and theft, he’s not a bad person. He’s done a good job of that. And yet, for the first time in his life, he carries guilt around like a friend, and he sorely wishes he was Catholic so he could confess and relieve himself of this shameful burden.

The worst part isn’t the guilt – the worst part is the fact that even though he knows what he’s doing with Kili is wrong, he’s not stopping. He’s not even trying to stop. He’s encouraging Kili, he kisses him when they’re alone, and he finds ways to touch him in small ways when Thorin is around. 

He goes out of his way to be around Kili, and he’s slowly leeching all of his innocence out of him. Somehow, without warning, Dwalin has become a terrible person. He doesn’t know how to handle this, and so he sticks to denial. Kili is almost an adult, surely it’s not that bad, he excuses. Kili seeks him out more often than not, Dwalin can’t be blamed. Thorin is like a brother to him, surely he’ll be pleased at the notion of their two families actually brought together. 

It’s all bollocks, he knows it is, but it’s easier to stick his head in the sand, so that’s what he continues to do. 

The following week blurs together in stolen moments. Dwalin doesn’t think he’s ever jerked off so much before, he feels like _he’s_ seventeen again. He can’t help it, though. He can only have Kili squirming on top of him for so long before he’s hard and aching, seeking relief repeatedly. He can only imagine what Kili’s getting up to in his own bedroom, and if Dwalin was a braver man, he’d wait until Thorin was asleep and he’d go find out. 

It’s one such night where they’re all home, and Thorin has set up camp at the kitchen table, papers spread out covering every inch of the surface, and his large calculator plugged into the wall. It clicks and whirls away as Thorin steadily enters numbers into it, and Dwalin’s in his arm chair reading a book. He’d normally be watching TV, but noise bothers Thorin when he’s trying to focus. 

Kili is lying on the floor in front of him, his homework spread out and he’s chewing on the end of a pen as he reads over an assignment. It takes all of Dwalin’s self-control to remain in the chair and not spread out over top of him, grinding his cock against the swell of his ass. 

He clears his throat and pushes the image to the back of his mind, reading the same sentence over again. There’s a sudden knock on the door, and Dwalin gratefully lets himself be distracted, marking his place in the book with his index finger and he lowers it to his lap. 

“You might as well get it,” he says to Thorin, because nobody ever comes to the door for Dwalin. He’s careful to guard his privacy fiercely, and has only ever told a handful of friends where he lives. It’s not that he’s trying to hide anything, but he always figures that your home should be your haven away from the rest of the world. 

The only person who ever comes to their door is friggen’ Bilbo, and Dwalin knows that he certainly only comes around for Thorin.

Thorin grumbles under his breath, but he has probably reached the same conclusion as Dwalin, since he’s standing and going to the door, pulling it open to say, “Yes, Bilbo, what do – ”

He cuts off, and Dwalin exchanges a look with Kili before he’s pushing himself to his feet to peer around the corner. Something cold settles into his stomach as he sees _Bofur_ standing at the door, holding his goofy hat in one hand, and a bouquet of flowers in the other. 

“Dwalin,” Bofur says the moment he sees him, and the relief is evident in his voice. 

“I’ve never told you where I lived,” is the first thing out of his mouth, and he winces. That hadn’t exactly been tactful. He comes fully into the front hall, aware that he’s dressed in old jeans and a t-shirt that has a rip around the collar. His bare toes curl uncomfortably against the worn door mat. 

Thorin throws him a look, but gratefully heads back into the apartment, and Dwalin sorely hopes that he’ll distract Kili, because the last thing he needs is Kili to see Bofur here, attempting to make a romantic gesture. 

And that’s undeniably what this is, and it’s unfortunate because it is sweet. No one has ever made a romantic gesture towards him before. He’s never been given flowers, and he kind of likes flowers. Bofur is one of the nicest men he’s ever seen, and he’s a good kisser. Dwalin wishes the heat had been there between them, because Bofur was by far a more socially accepting choice than Kili. 

“I know you didn’t, but I knew you lived in this neighborhood. You hadn’t answered my texts for a bit, and so I thought I’d come around, and then your helpful neighbor was outside, and pointed me in the right direction,” Bofur says, thrusting out the bouquet of flowers. “These are for you.”

Damn Bilbo and his nosiness. 

“Thank you,” Dwalin says, and he reaches out to accept the flowers because he can’t be rude. They are lovely flowers, and would look very nice in a glass by the kitchen window. He gently feels the velvety petal of a peony, and smiles at Bofur. “These are beautiful.”

“Are you free? Could I take you out? I know it’s a bit late, but I haven’t seen you for a while, and I’ve missed you,” Bofur says, and how did he suddenly get so close to Dwalin?

“I don’t know if I’m available,” Dwalin hedges, because he can’t go out with Bofur and leave Kili behind. He’d never hear the end of it. He doesn’t know what his relationship with Kili is besides inappropriate. They’re not dating, he’d never call Kili his boyfriend, but yet it still seems wrong to go out with someone else. 

Bofur studies him before he suddenly leans up on his tip-toes to press their mouths together. Dwalin had forgotten how it felt to kiss someone old enough to have facial hair, to kiss someone and not have the flush of guilt follow it. It’s the only excuse he has as to why he doesn’t pull away from Bofur, but instead tentatively opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. 

“Wow,” comes a long, sarcastic drawl, and Dwalin wrenches away. 

“Who’s this?” Bofur asks cheerfully, and he gives Kili a tentative wave. “Is this your son? You never told me you had a son!”

Dwalin wants to die. He wishes the floor would open up and suck him down to the first floor where old, crotchety Mrs. Bradley lives. There’s also a rush of indignation, for there is no possible way that Dwalin looks old enough to have Kili be his _son_. There is hardly that much of an age difference between them – only… well, sixteen years, he supposes. It’s not that unbelievable to assume that Kili could be his son. 

“I don’t have a son,” is what he says, and he hopes the lighting in the front hall is dim enough to hide the blush that’s creeping up over his face. “I told you, I live with my best friend Thorin. This is his nephew.”

It’s the only way he has to describe Kili. He can’t possibly say that Kili is his boyfriend, because he isn’t. They haven’t put a label on this dangerous game they’re playing, which makes it all the more clear to Dwalin that it’s something that needs to end. 

“You must be Bofur,” Kili says, stepping closer, folding his arms across his chest. There’s a wicked glint in his eyes that Dwalin doesn’t trust. “I see what you meant, Dwalin. He’s not the best looking, but he does seem friendly enough for a fuck or two.”

“Kili Durin!” Dwalin grabs him by the arm and shoves him down the hallway. He can’t even look at the jealous brat. “Get out of here.”

Thorin’s back, looking at Dwalin’s face and then at Kili. His own face hardens and he grabs Kili by the other arm and drags him out of view. Dwalin doesn’t have time to be thankful to Thorin, or remorseful for yelling at Kili, not when Bofur is standing there, looking at Dwalin with wide eyes and a pale face. 

“Did you really say that?” He asks, his voice trembling. 

Dwalin wonders if this is what it took to get some heat from him, but Bofur doesn’t even wait for an answer, instead he just turns and begins to walk away from the open door. Dwalin tosses the bouquet on to the side table where all the mail collects in a heap, and hurries after him, because even though there is nothing between them, he can’t be that cruel, not when it’s not even true. 

“Bofur, wait,” he calls, jogging to catch up to him. He lightly reaches for Bofur’s elbow and draws him to a stop. “I didn’t say it. I swear I would never say anything so unkind.”

“It didn’t seem like you would, but I can’t figure out why he’d say it,” Bofur says, refusing to meet Dwalin’s gaze. 

Dwalin knows _exactly_ why he’d say it, but now’s not the time for any of that. He releases his hold on Bofur’s arm and shrugs his shoulders. “Truthfully, I can’t either. He’s a bit of a problem child,” he whispers, and feels guilty for even saying such a thing. Fuck, what a mess this has turned into. “Either way, I’m sorry. I don’t think we’re going to work out, but I appreciated our times together.”

“I did as well,” Bofur says, and he puts his hat back on his head. “Take care, Dwalin.”

“You as well,” Dwalin says, stepping back. The hallway carpet is gritty under his feet, and he shifts uncomfortably. Bofur’s walking away from him now, and Dwalin knows that if he called him back, he could have a real relationship – one that he could be proud of. He could take Bofur to Balin’s house for family dinner, and he could walk down the street with him holding hands. 

He wouldn’t feel sick with guilt every time they kissed. 

However, Dwalin imagines a future without heat, and it’s a cold one indeed. He doesn’t want drama, but he needs _something_ to keep his interest, and sweet, genial Bofur won’t do it. Dwalin knows that, deep in his bones, as well as he knows that Kili makes him feel alive in a way that he’s never felt before. 

Bofur turns the corner and then that’s that – he’s gone and Dwalin doesn’t feel an ounce of regret. He knows he should, but he can’t force himself to dredge up an emotion that doesn’t exist. If anything, he feels relieved, and he turns and heads back inside the apartment. He shuts the door, unsure of what he’s going to find. 

Thorin is back at the table, punching numbers into the calculator with an ease of speed that Dwalin’s never had a knack for. The living room is suspiciously absent of Kili. 

“Where is he?” Dwalin growls. 

Thorin glances up from his calculator. “He’s in his room,” he says, hesitating and then says, “Don’t yell at him.”

Dwalin snorts out a breath of laughter because Thorin is always the first to yell at Kili. This time it’s Dwalin’s turn and more importantly, it’s _deserved_. “That’s rich coming from you. The little shit needs to learn what he can say and what he can’t.”

Thorin stands from the table, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t overhear what he said, but I can only imagine. However, you can’t get upset with him. You’ve never brought anyone home before, and he’s not prepared for that. Christ, I haven’t even told him you’re gay yet. I don’t think he’d have an issue with that, Dis was pretty tolerant, but…”

Dwalin laughs for real this time, but it makes his chest ache. Kili absolutely knows that Dwalin is gay, and Kili doesn’t have an issue with it at all. It’s ironic to hear Thorin speak, but it also hurts because every day that Dwalin allows Kili to kiss him, he’s losing Thorin’s trust more and more, even if Thorin doesn’t know it yet. 

“I don’t care,” is what he actually says to Thorin. “He told a lie to Bofur, said that I said he wasn’t good looking but was good enough for a fuck or two.”

Thorin’s mouth drops open. 

“Exactly,” Dwalin says. He knows exactly why Kili said what he did, but all it does is reinforce to Dwalin how young Kili is, how immature he is over things like love and sex. He doesn’t know how to be in a mature, adult relationship because newsflash – he isn’t mature or an adult! 

_This is it_, Dwalin decides. _This can’t happen anymore._

“Kili Frerin Durin, get your ass out here immediately!” Thorin thunders, storming down the hallway to Kili’s bedroom. He wrenches the door open and Dwalin follows him inside. 

He immediately wishes he hadn’t gotten Thorin involved, because Kili is sitting on his bed, his back pressed against the wall. He’s sitting with his legs folded, and he’s staring down at his hands. He doesn’t even look up as they come in, and Dwalin doesn’t have the heart to yell at him. Kili was jealous, that much was obvious, and Dwalin can’t hold it against him. 

He had been kissing Bofur, after all. 

“Let me talk to him,” he says to Thorin, and Thorin hesitates before he finally nods his head and leaves the room. Dwalin shuts the door and then goes to sit beside Kili on the bed, and has to pretend that it doesn’t hurt that Kili shifts away from him. “Can we talk?”

Kili shakes his head, and his dark hair hangs around his face, obscuring his features from view. Dwalin is sure that if he was to pull the hair back, he’d see red, wet eyes. 

“I want to apologize,” Dwalin says, scratching idly at his knee. “I haven’t seen him for a little bit, not since you and I… began. I wasn’t prepared to see him today, I didn’t know he was coming, but I’m sorry that he showed up all the same. I didn’t want to make you jealous, or hurt your feelings.”

Kili remains silent, knees now pulled up tight against his body and away from Dwalin. 

“He kissed me, and it surprised the hell out of me,” Dwalin continues. “However, I wasn’t out of line to kiss him. You and I… this isn’t something real, Kili.”

Kili visibly flinches, and Dwalin feels like shit for saying it, but he’s the adult here and he has to be the responsible one. He can’t mince words anymore, and he can’t let Kili continue to believe that this is something possible. He can’t continue to lead him on. 

“It’s real to me,” Kili finally says, his voice low. 

“I know it is,” Dwalin says, and he exhales heavily. He thought he had resigned himself to this, but now seeing just how _young_ Kili is, he’s not sure he can continue on in good faith. Not that he had faith in this to begin with…

“Please leave,” Kili says, and he turns his head away from Dwalin. “I’d like to be alone.”

“I’m sorry,” Dwalin says, and against his better judgment, he reaches out and rests his hand against Kili’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to be upset. Is there anything I can do?”

Kili finally turns to look at him, and Dwalin is relieved to see that it doesn’t look like that he’s been crying. He looks upset, though, and Dwalin hates the way it makes him feel. He shouldn’t want to kiss the pain away, he shouldn’t want to comfort Kili the way he does. He slides his hand from Kili’s shoulder to cup his face, his thumb gently rubbing the skin below his jaw. 

“I want you to decide for once and for all,” Kili says, and there’s a maturity in his voice that Dwalin has never heard before. Perhaps he was wrong about Kili, after all. “You’re leading me on, and it’s not fair. I need you to decide if this is something you want, or if you want to be done. I’ll respect your decision either way, but I need to know.”

It’s a completely fair question, and it’s so much more mature than Dwalin ever thought Kili capable of being. How foolish of him to assume that Kili was nothing but childish jealousy and whims. If he continues to act like this, and not like how he did to Bofur, then perhaps they really do have a chance at having something real. Dwalin must be mad to be considering it, but now that he’s started to entertain the idea, he can’t shake it from his mind. 

“You can’t get jealous like that,” he finally settles on saying. “I understand that you were upset, but you can’t be viciously cruel like that. It’s not nice, and it doesn’t endear you to me.”

“Are you fucking joking?” Kili says, and he jerks his head away from Dwalin’s touch. “I don’t give two shits if it endears me to you! Do you really think kissing other people endears _you_ to me? But I guess that’s the point – my wants and needs in this relationship don’t matter!”

“Of course they matter!” Dwalin exclaims, reaching further out for him, and he pulls Kili completely in against his chest. “I must be crazy to be considering this.”

“So you _are_ considering this, then,” Kili says, and he’s suddenly smiling, low and secretive, like this was his plan all along. 

Knowing the little demon, it probably was.

“God help me, but I am,” Dwalin admits. There’s an itch deep inside of his chest that won’t be satisfied until he sees this through. He knows the risk – he’ll lose Thorin if he ever finds out, but just when he believes that the cons outweigh the pros, Kili will look at him, and something tender starts to thud inside of him. 

For better or for worse, he’s choosing this.

***

Kili chews on the end of his pen as he stares down at his notebook. The assignment they were given was to write about an influential person in their lives, and then write about an influential person in history. They’re supposed to see if there’s any connection between their choices, but Kili can’t even decide who to choose yet. He doesn’t think any of his favorite historical figures will actually count.

There’s a sharp kick to his chair, and he jerks forward. He refuses to turn around, because he’s learned that turning around only makes it so much worse for him. He stares down at his paper balefully. This is the worst high school in Toronto, and for all that they preach about tolerance, Kili has yet to see an example of it. 

“_Psst_,” there’s a hiss behind him, and he steadily ignores it. “_Psst_! Hey, fag!”

“Go away,” Kili mutters, scooting forward to the edge of his seat. He’s not going to give Azog the satisfaction of knowing that after two years, he _still_ gets to Kili. 

“I bet you’re writing about your old man boyfriend,” Azog taunts. 

Kili snorts at that, because back when Azog had mocked him about Dwalin, the very idea had been laughable. Now it hits a little closer to home, and he can’t ever let Azog know just how accurate he is. He’d tell the entire school, which would probably get Dwalin into serious trouble. Kili knows that a part of Dwalin still considers him young, but he’s not an idiot. He knows how important it is they keep this quiet unless they want it to end. 

“Certainly not writing about _you_,” he sneers, but that’s not actually a bad idea. He could write an expose on school bullies, and how they’ve influenced his life for the worse. Perhaps then the principal would notice that they weren’t exactly the most tolerant place. 

_My Life – How I Overcame the Orcs_… he can see the headlines now. Naturally, Buzzfeed would pick it up, and he’d go viral. That would be kind of cool, Fili would be so jealous. 

“No, because I’m not a fudge packer like you are,” Azog says, kicking his chair again.   
Kili throws his pen down with a clatter and whirls around. “You know, for as much as you talk about anal, I’m starting to think you’re actually a fan! You and all your stupid friends, you’re practically _gagging_ to get a dick shoved up your – ”

“That is _quite_ enough!” His teacher, Mrs. Sackville, shouts, storming over to them. She grabs Kili by the upper arm, her long nails digging into his skin. “You can go straight to Mr. Lake’s office!”

“He started it,” Kili retorts, wrenching away from her. He hopes he breaks one of her claw nails. “He called me a fag and a fudge packer!”

“Is that true?” She turns to Azog and scowls down at him. “You can go straight down to Mr. Lake’s office as well!”

“I’ll kill you for this, Durin,” Azog sneers. 

“Kili, take a seat,” she says, grabbing Azog by the collar of his shirt and she drags him down the aisle. “Work on your assignments and I’ll be right back! If there is a toe out of line by the time I return, I will be cancelling the Halloween party!”

Kili drops back in his seat and avoids the glares he gets sent his way. He shouldn’t have tattled on Azog, because it’s not going to change anything. He might get a talking to from the principal, but it will only piss Azog off further, and he’ll take it out on Kili. He’s going to have to run fast for the bus after school today.

In the end, it doesn’t matter, because word has gotten around school how Kili got Azog a one day in school suspension. By the time the final bell rings, throngs of people are crowded around every single exit, trying to figure out which one he’ll try to slip out of. The Orcs patrol the hallways, cracking their knuckles, looking for him. 

He tries to slip out the front door, since usually only teachers and parents use those doors, but there’s a boy waiting for him, and the moment he sees Kili, he’s shouting for Azog. His bus stop is only a block and a half away, and he immediately begins to run. He’s afraid for the first time in a while. He has gotten used to Azog pushing and shoving him, taunting him verbally, but today is different.

He has never gotten Azog in trouble before today, and he has a sinking feeling that he’s going to find out exactly what that means for him. 

When it’s all over, the bus ride is long, and he stares at the dirty floor so he doesn’t have to see the pitying looks he receives. He takes the bus to Dwalin’s gym, because he doesn’t want to go home, and he’s not entirely certain if he needs a hospital or not. He cradles his left hand against his chest protectively, and swallows the sob that wants to slip out. 

Fuck, it hurts. 

He finally stumbles into the gym, his leather jacket that Thorin had given him ripped of one sleeve, dried blood smeared from his nose, his ribs on fire, and his hand even more so. Tauriel’s sitting at the front desk, and she takes one look at him before picking up the phone and dialing. 

“You need to come up front immediately,” she says before hanging up and hurrying to his side. “Jesus, Kili, what happened?”

“I’m okay,” he says stiffly, because he’s seventeen, not seven. He can’t be a baby about school ground bullies. If he ever wants to be taken serious as an adult, then he can’t let people know just how badly rattled he is over what happened with Azog. “Just… the usual.”

“What’s going on?” Dwalin rounds the corner and stops in his track. “Kili? What the fuck happened?”

The damn sob slips out of his mouth anyway at the sight of Dwalin. He holds out his hand, even though it shakes. “Is it broken?” He asks. “I can’t feel them.”

“Here, come here,” Dwalin says, and he draws Kili into a brief hug, careful to mind his hand. It still hurts, but the comfort outweighs the pain, and so he doesn’t complain. “Come to my office, we’ll get you cleaned up and assess your hand.”

They walk silently to Dwalin’s office, which still has the door open from his previous haste to come out to the lobby. Music is playing like it always is, and it’s Elton John _again_. It tugs a small smile to Kili’s lips, but it quickly fades as his hand spasms in pain. 

_I got soles that are wearing thin, I got holes where the rain gets in. I got you, and that’s enough for me._

He clutches his hand closer against his chest and follows Dwalin into the office, shutting the door behind them. “It was Azog,” he says, exhaling a shuddery sigh. “I got him an in-school suspension, and he said he was going to kill me.”

“He’ll have to try a little harder if this is his idea,” Dwalin says, wetting a cloth and he gently dabs underneath Kili’s nose, wiping the blood away. “Can you bend your fingers at all?”

“It hurts, I don’t want to try,” Kili admits, tipping his head back so Dwalin can get the grit out of the scrape in his chin. 

“I know it hurts, but I need to know if it’s broken,” Dwalin says, tossing the damp cloth down on to his desk. He takes Kili’s sore hand in his own, and gently straightens his fingers out. It hurts, but not to the level of pain that Kili was expecting. 

“Oh, that’s not so bad,” he says, and then he gives them an experimental wriggle. It’s tender, but he’s relieved to know that they’re not broken. “Oh, thank god.”

Dwalin helps him out of his jacket, and holds it up with a grimace. “There’s no fixing this, you’ll have to toss it. Do you want to show Thorin?”

“He’ll be mad,” Kili says, even though he’s not sure how Thorin would react. It’s not like it had been Kili’s fault, but the item had still been expensive. “Just toss it out here.”

Dwalin throws it in his bin and then moves back around to Kili, smoothing his tangled hair back gently. “Are you in pain anywhere else?”

“My ribs are sore, but that’s only because he got a punch in,” Kili says, still wriggling his left hand. The more he moves it, the better it begins to feel. “I tried to fight back, but I don’t think I’ve got enough lessons under my belt yet. Plus, there were just too many of them. He had his Orcs with him.”

“Orcs?” Dwalin’s lifting up his t-shirt and his fingers are gently probing over the reddened skin that stretches over Kili’s ribs. It’s tender and uncomfortable, but not unbearable. He must deem that it’s not serious, because he lowers Kili’s t-shirt and his hand seeks out the back of Kili’s neck instead, drawing him in closer. 

“Don’t ask, it’s what they call themselves. It’s stupid.”

“High school,” Dwalin snorts, and shakes his head. “Bunch of idiot lads who have yet to grow up,” he continues, before he must realize that Kili is still one of those lads, and falls silent. 

“They’re not mature like me,” Kili says to relieve the silence, and he turns his head into Dwalin’s palm, kissing the soft skin he finds there. 

“No, they’re nothing like you,” Dwalin confirms, leaning down to give him a slow, deep kiss. “Nobody’s like you.”

***

Dwalin buddy-tapes Kili’s hand, and then sends him home with an ice pack. He tells Tauriel that he’s taking off a little earlier than usual, and takes the bus down to where Balin and Thorin work. He will continue his training sessions with Kili, but it’s not right that he has to teach Kili how to beat somebody up in order for him to attend school. He shouldn’t have to worry about bullies breaking his fingers at school. It’s time they did something, and Dwalin’s only sorry that it took them two years to get to this point.

The office is quiet when he walks in, and the administrative assistant eyes him nervously. Dwalin’s never been anything but polite to her, but Thorin told him that Dwalin unnerves her, so he tries to keep his distance. 

“Hey, good afternoon,” he says, hanging back from the desk. “Is Thorin busy?”

“Let me check,” she says, picking up her phone and dialing Thorin’s extension. She speaks briefly before hanging up and nodding her head to the back door that leads into the rest of the office. “You can go in.”

“Thanks.” He hurries through the door, pausing in the first doorway to give Balin a wave. His brother is on the phone, though, and gives him a quick wave before turning back to the stack of documents on his desk. He moves on to knock on Thorin’s door before he steps inside the room. 

“Dwalin,” Thorin says in surprise, because Dwalin very rarely visits him at work. “What brings you around?”

“We’ve got to talk,” Dwalin says, shutting the door and moving to sit down in one of the uncomfortable chairs by Thorin’s desk. “It’s about Kili.”

Thorin’s mouth thins out into a flat line. “What has he done now?”

“Nothing,” Dwalin says, rolling his eyes. “Why do you always think the worst of him? He’s a good kid.”

Thorin levels him with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

“I said a good kid, not a great one,” Dwalin says, and immediately feels bad for it. For the most part, Kili really isn’t that bad, and he shouldn’t be so hard on him. “He _is_ a good kid, Thorin. He’s been through a lot in his life, with Vili walking out on them and then Dis dying. He’s doing all right.”

“I suppose,” Thorin acquiesces, but his brows furrow at the mention of Vili. “What did you want to talk about then?”

“He came to me after school today with a bloody nose, bruised ribs, and an almost broken hand,” Dwalin says. “I don’t think we can sit idly by any more, not when he’s being bullied to this extent.”

“Jesus,” Thorin says, and half rises from his chair. “Is he okay?”

“I cleaned him up and sent him home,” Dwalin says, hoping that his ears don’t flush if he thinks about how he had drawn greedy whimpers out of Kili as he had kissed him. “That school is ridiculous, though. We need to talk to the principal.”

Thorin’s mouth pinches and he clicks quickly on his keyboard and then picks up his phone and dials. He’s silent while he waits and then says, “Hello, Mr. Lake? This is Thorin Oakenshield, Kili Durin’s guardian. I need to meet with you as urgently as possible about a situation that happened today. I’d like to come down to the school right now and meet with you, if that works.”

He’s silent for a minute and then agrees, hanging up the phone. He stands and grabs his coat from the coat rack and swings it on. “He’ll wait at the school for us. Do you want to come?”

“Do you think that’s appropriate?” Dwalin asks, willing himself not to flush even more. When it comes to Kili, there’s not much Dwalin can say about him that _is_ appropriate. 

“You care about Kili just as much as I do,” Thorin says, sweeping out of his office, and Dwalin follows behind, unable to say anything. 

It’s almost five by the time they reach the high school, but Mr. Lake is still waiting for them and they’re shown into his office. He shuts the door behind them and motions for them to have a seat before he goes and lowers his large, fat frame into his own office chair. 

“What can I help you with?” He asks, steepling his sausage fingers together. Dwalin hates him, because this man is supposed to protect Kili while he’s away from Dwalin, and he’s done the exact opposite. Kili has suffered for years under his watch, and Dwalin is _done_. 

“You can start by telling us what kind of school this is that tolerates and even encourages bullying,” he says, leaning forward in the rickety chair. “This is not the first instance where Kili has been injured while at school. What a load of horseshit.”

“Dwalin,” Thorin starts beside him. “I don’t think that’s exactly fair.”

“I think it’s completely fair,” Dwalin says, and he refuses to take his eyes off of Mr. Lake’s fat, ugly face. “I run my own gym, you see. I train MMA fighters, and lately I’ve had to take to training Kili, because he’s sick of being shoved into a locker. It’s his final year of high school, and he _still_ has to deal with bullies.”

“We are a bully free school,” Mr. Lake says, and then at the increased scowl on Dwalin’s face, amends to say, “We strive to be, at any rate. I wasn’t aware that Kili was having problems. I mean, I know he’s a bit of a problem child – ”

“No,” Thorin cuts in, and Dwalin’s relieved to see his friend’s face is hard as a diamond, his eyes glittering. “You don’t get to call him a _problem_ child. He’s my nephew, and he’s suffered a lot in his short life. Combine with that how he’s treated here, you don’t get to excuse your lack of supervision and blame his reactions on him.”

“We understand that he lost his mother a couple of years ago,” Mr. Lake says, shifting in his chair, and it creaks under his weight. “However, he has an attitude problem. I understand that it’s difficult to hear that sometimes, but it’s the truth. He picks fights and he mouths off the teachers.”

_Of course he does_, Dwalin thinks ruefully. He’s not going to excuse Kili’s behavior, but he does understand it. Kili had never wanted to move to Toronto and go to school here, and then when he was forced, he was met with bullies and indifference from his teachers. It’s little wonder that he has no respect for them. 

“Your teachers probably deserve it,” Dwalin says. “If they’re going to turn an eye to the behavior of some of their students, then you can’t fault someone for not respecting their word.”

“Where can we go from here?” Mr. Lake asks, carefully deflecting Dwalin’s statement. “We need to come to some sort of agreement.”

“I think it’s pretty simple,” Thorin says. “My nephew will come to school and he will leave school unharmed. I understand that you can’t be everywhere, and that kids will still say things. That’s unavoidable, and I will speak to Kili about keeping his temper under control. However, you can control if he’s being shoved into lockers, or beat up after school by the bus stop. You can control it, and I expect that you will.”

“We will make a better effort,” Mr. Lake says, and Dwalin absolutely hates the man for how little he cares, and how little he cares about hiding it. 

“Thank you,” Thorin says, standing up. They wrap up the conversation, and Dwalin’s glad to leave the school and put it behind them. He’s grateful that Kili has less than a year before he graduates, because he can’t fathom sending him for another few years. 

Thorin’s quiet when they finally arrive back at the apartment, and it’s dark inside with only the TV casting the living room in a blueish hue. Thorin turns on the lamp, and Kili blinks up from where he’s been lying on the couch, curled up under a blanket. He’s got an ice pack wrapped around his hand with a faded dish cloth, and a heating pad lying on his left side. 

Dwalin’s heart clenches. 

Thorin hurries over to him, kneeling down beside the couch and he brushes Kili’s hair back. Dwalin knows that for as much as Thorin and Kili fight, Thorin loves his nephew more than anything in the world, and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to protect him. The knowledge sloshes uneasily in his stomach, because he knows Thorin would be upset if he knew what was happening. He’d be beyond upset, or even angry… he’d be absolutely _furious_ with Dwalin. 

“I spoke to your principal,” Thorin says quietly, and Kili rolls his eyes. “No, no, don’t do that. We had a good talk, and I think he realizes now that his school isn’t as perfect as he originally believed. I don’t think the bullies will hurt you anymore.”

“Physically, anyway,” Kili mutters, pushing himself into a sitting position. “The teachers can’t stop them from spreading rumors about me, or saying stuff when no one else is around.”

“Well, no, they can’t, but you’ve got to just put their words out of your minds,” Thorin says decisively. “I know that sounds easier than it is, but they’re just words, Kili. They only affect you if you let them.”

Kili meets Dwalin’s eyes over Thorin’s shoulder, and Dwalin nods his head encouragingly. He wants Kili to know the words are hurtful, but they’re not true, and he shouldn’t pay them any attention. He also wants Kili to talk to Thorin about being gay, because he feels like that’s the biggest issue here between Kili and his bullies. That’s their target, and Thorin has no idea. 

“I try to block them out,” Kili says, fiddling with the ice pack in his hand. “It’s hard sometimes, though. They’re… really mean words.”

“What do they say?” Thorin asks, rising to sit beside Kili on the couch. “I know I’ve been busy lately, and with Fili gone you’ve been on your own, but I hope you know that you can always speak to me. It doesn’t matter what it is, Kili.”

Kili glances at him once more, and Dwalin nods his head before he turns and heads down the hallway. He’d like to stay, but this sort of conversation is private, and should probably be kept between Kili and Thorin. He’ll not come between them, not in this aspect. He shuts his door quietly and settles on his bed, reaching for his fantasy novel and he picks up where he last left off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like a lot of people in the world, I have been working from home. My social life has dwindled down to nothing as I strive to stay home as much as possible to ensure that I don't spread COVID-19. So, I have a lot of extra time on my hands, and I've devoted a chunk of it towards writing! I would really like to finish both of my WIP's during this time, so I will be striving to update often. I have no beta, so all mistakes are my own, and please feel free to point any out that you notice. Thank you and stay safe!!

Kili watches as Dwalin disappears down the hallway and swallows hard. He wishes the older man would have sat down on the other side to give him strength, but he understands his reasoning. This is a difficult conversation, and one that he should probably be having with Thorin. It’s just hard to tell him something that he hasn’t even told his mum – he doesn’t like that there are parts of his life that his mum doesn’t know about when other people do. 

“This is hard to talk about,” he hedges, winding the dish cloth tightly around his index finger until it turns purple. Then he releases the tension and waits until the color is back to normal before twisting it all over again. He glances over at Thorin, expecting to see impatience, but instead Thorin is watching him carefully, a thoughtful expression on his face. 

“Take your time,” he says, and he lays a hand down on Kili’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “I’m sorry if you’ve felt like you couldn’t talk to me before. That’s not how I want our relationship to work.”

“I just… I don’t like telling you something that I never even told my mum,” Kili says, and the thought of his mother makes his breath seize in his chest. He misses her so damn much, and how has it been two years already since he’s seen her? He wonders what she would think of his relationship with Dwalin – if it would have upset her, or if she would have understood that Dwalin makes him feel like nobody else ever has before. 

“Oh, my lad,” Thorin says gently, and he draws Kili in against his chest. “I didn’t even stop to consider that aspect. I’m sorry that it’s something you have to deal with. Unfortunately, this will be the first of many. I hope you know that even though your mum is gone, she’s still here – ” he taps Kili’s chest, right where his heart is. “ – and she hears you.”

It fills him with an unexpected warmth, and tears spring to his eyes. He blinks the burning sensation away, because he’s tired of crying. He feels like since August, since Fili left, all he’s done lately is cry, and he’s tired of it. He wants to be his normal self again, even if he’s still figuring out just exactly who that is. He had thought he had known, but then there had been the car accident, and everything had changed. 

“I’m sorry I’m not a good person,” is what comes out, even though that’s not what he had intended. It’s true though, it’s what he believes at the core of the matter. He’s always causing Thorin stress, and he’s kind of seduced Dwalin, and he made Fili so angry, he caused Fili to pretty much _hate_ him, and they’re not even speaking. 

“Is that what the bullies have told you?” Thorin demands, and he gives Kili a gentle shake of his shoulders. “Please don’t ever say that again, because it’s not true. You’re a great kid, Kili.”

“No, the bullies say much worse to me,” Kili says, chewing nervously on his bottom lip. 

He doesn’t really know how to come out to someone, especially not someone like Thorin. Fili had figured it out and had just asked Kili point-blank, telling him that he didn’t care and would love him either way. With Dwalin, he had blurted it out, and Dwalin had been smart enough to figure it out, while Thorin still lived in oblivious land. This will be the first time where he’ll have to actually utter the words to someone who doesn’t have a clue, and he really doesn’t know how Thorin will respond. 

What if he kicks Kili out? Thorin’s the only family member he’s got. He doesn’t know where his dad is, and he’s never had contact with his dad’s family. Thorin and Fili are the only family he has left in the world, and he couldn’t ask Fili to take him in, not when he’s in school. It would just make him resent Kili even more. 

Thorin is obviously accepting of Dwalin’s sexuality, they’ve lived together for years now. It must not bother him. There’s a difference between a friend, and family, though. What if Thorin expects him to follow in Fili’s footsteps and go to uni to find a beautiful girl to settle down with? Kili doesn’t think he’s cut out for the white picket fence fantasy, not when he dreams of large hands holding him down, a beard grazing the inside of his thighs as his brain is sucked out through his dick. 

“What do the bullies say to you?” Thorin asks quietly. “I hope you know you can talk to me, Kili, and I won’t grow angry. It doesn’t matter what you say, I’m not going to be upset.”

His words give his confidence the boost it needs, and so he clears his throat and says as softly as he can, “They know I’m… gay.”

Thorin’s silent, and Kili stares down at the carpet miserably. He should have never said anything. It’s easy to preach acceptance, but it’s so much harder to actually live out. Thorin is old school, he was raised in a world where you didn’t necessarily talk about being gay, Dwalin’s told him enough of his childhood for him to know that. Being gay was something private and shameful, you certainly didn’t broadcast it, or tell it to people and expect them to understand. 

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, edging away from Thorin’s side. “Forget I said anything.”

“Kili, please look at me,” Thorin finally says, and he dredges the last of his bravery up to look Thorin in the eyes. The look on Thorin’s face is one of kindness – and sadness. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t before. I hope you know that this doesn’t change any way that I feel about you. You are my nephew, and I love you dearly. I am so proud of the person you are becoming, and there is nothing wrong with being gay.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint you,” Kili says.

“And you think being gay would disappoint me? The only thing that’s disappointing is that I’ve made you feel like you can’t talk to me,” Thorin says. “I hope this will change how you and I interact, Kili. I want you to always feel like you can tell me anything without fear of disappointment or anger.”

“They call me a fag, and a fudge packer,” Kili says, bitterness twisting his mouth. “They make fun of me for that kind of stuff.”

Thorin’s quiet beside him, and when Kili chances over a peek, he’s surprised to see that Thorin’s mouth is drawn down, and his eyes are suspiciously bright. It makes him feel guilty to know that he’s upsetting Thorin, and adding even more to his plate. He’s tired of being a burden to people, he doesn’t want Thorin to ever yell at him the way Fili had. 

He doesn’t think he could handle it again. 

“I’m sorry that you have to deal with such things,” Thorin finally says, tightening his hold on Kili. “If they say such things to you again, please talk to me. If your school can’t figure out a way to ensure that you have a safe education, we will find one that does.”

The thought of transferring schools makes his heart feel a little bit lighter. Thorin doesn’t seem angry that he’s gay, which makes everything feel a little bit better. It’s a Thursday, which means he can probably convince Thorin to let him skive off from class tomorrow. He gets a three-day weekend, and Thorin will probably work it, which means he’ll get plenty of time alone with Dwalin. 

“So you’re really not upset that I’m gay?”

“Of course I’m not,” Thorin says, giving him another squeeze before he releases him. “Why did you think I would be? My best friend is Dwalin, and I know you’re aware now that he’s gay.”

“Yes, I know,” Kili says, and his stomach flips over. “I just thought perhaps you’d want me to be more like Fili.”

“Nonsense,” Thorin says, rising from the couch and he straightens his tie. “One Fili is enough, I don’t need you to be his carbon copy. No, the only thing I want you to be is yourself, to be the best Kili that you can be.”

“I’ll try,” Kili promises, and he means it this time. He’s not going to skip class if he can help it anymore, and he won’t start fights with his teachers. He’ll keep his head down, do his homework, and make Thorin proud of him. 

“Thank you,” Thorin says. “Now, I’m going to head back to work. I have some last minute stuff that I have to finish today, unfortunately. Ask Dwalin to order in some food, and I’ll be home around nine. Is that all right?”

“Yes,” Kili says, hesitating before he continues by saying, “Can I stay home from school tomorrow? I want to ask but I need you to know that I really don’t want to go back tomorrow. I feel like I need a mental health day.”

“I think that would be just fine.” Thorin nods his head, patting his dress pant pockets for his keys. Once he locates them, he bids Kili another farewell and then he’s gone from the apartment. 

Kili counts to sixty seconds in his head, and then counts to sixty once more, just to be safe. He stands from the couch and goes to the front door, slowly swinging it open and peeking his head out. The hallway is empty, and he can’t even hear Thorin’s footsteps on the stairs anymore. He shuts the door, flips the lock, and then saunters down the hallway to Dwalin’s room. He knocks on the door and waits until he hears a verbal confirmation to enter before pushing his way in. Music is playing quietly from the Bluetooth speaker on the nightstand, and Dwalin is reading on his bed. 

“Thorin’s gone until nine,” he says, climbing on to the bed, and his stomach flips again when Dwalin spreads his legs so Kili can climb between them to lie against his chest. “He said you’re supposed to order me food.”

Dwalin chuckles, setting his book aside and an arm comes around to wrap around his waist. “I’ve got something you can eat,” he rumbles, tangling his hand into Kili’s hair. 

Kili immediately feels like his face is on fire. He’s thought plenty about getting his mouth on Dwalin, of tasting him _everywhere_, but the actual aspect of a blowjob still makes him feel uneasy. He has a sensitive gag reflex, and he’s never sucked anyone off before. He might be terrible at it – actually, he _will_ be terrible at it since he has no experience – and Dwalin might compare him to Bofur. 

Did Dwalin even let Bofur suck him off?

Dwalin must sense his discomfort, because he presses his lips against Kili’s temple and changes the subject. “I’m proud of you for telling Thorin,” he says. “I know that must have been difficult, but I’m glad you did it. How did he react?”

“He was great,” Kili says truthfully. “He told me that I can transfer schools if it doesn’t get better, and that he’s proud of me. Says he loves me. It was… nice. I didn’t expect him to respond like that.”

“I knew he would,” Dwalin says, and he presses another kiss to Kili’s temple, his lips trailing down until he can suck Kili’s earlobe into his mouth. 

He’s immediately hard, and he shifts against him, tilting his head to the side to give Dwalin more access. It’s one of the first few times that Dwalin has initiated something physical, and Kili isn’t about to turn it down. They have a couple of hours alone together, and despite his nerves, Kili would really, really, _really_ like to see Dwalin’s cock. He’s not sure if he’s ready to taste it, but he’d certainly like to get his hands on it. 

“I like that,” he says, and he’s already a little breathless. 

Dwalin pulls back to kiss down his neck, sucking right underneath the curve of his jaw as his hand suddenly slides from Kili’s side down his stomach. There’s already a tent in his sweatpants, and Dwalin doesn’t hesitate in rubbing his palm over it. Kili shudders against him, a moan slipping out. His entire body is already tingling, despite the fact that Dwalin has hardly even touched him yet. 

Dwalin plays with the hem of his pants before he finally slides his hand down inside, rubbing Kili’s cock through the material of his boxer briefs. He can feel his cock spurt out a drop of pre-cum, wetting his underwear. Kili sucks in a breath, his body arching up against the bed. He feels like his body is going to shoot off any moment. He hopes eventually that he’ll be able to last a lot longer.

“Feels good,” he grits out, clenching his eyes shut as he tries to think about the grossest things possible in order to stave off his orgasm. He pictures Bilbo naked, and immediately feels his erection flag for a second. 

“I can make it feel so much better,” Dwalin promises. He nudges Kili off of him so he can reach down into his end table drawer and pull out a tube of slick. He motions for Kili to lie back against his chest, and Kili does so, lifting his hips so he can wriggle his pants and underwear off. He leaves his t-shirt on, liking the way it looks when he looks down and sees his cock peeking up over the hem. 

The head of his cock is already red and flushed, pre-cum oozing sluggishly from the tip. Dwalin swipes it off with his thumb, and then lifts his hand to his mouth to lick it off. Kili feels hot and cold all at once – he’s so fucking hard, but what if he doesn’t taste right? Is there a certain way that he should taste? 

“Delicious,” Dwalin says, his voice low and gritty, rubbing raw over Kili like sandpaper. He flicks open the tube of slick, the lid popping open, and he squirts a dollop into his palm. “This is going to be cold,” Dwalin warns before he curls his hand around Kili’s cock, and begins to stroke it slowly, rubbing it from root to tip. 

It is cold, but just enough to give him a chance to cool off. He sucks in another breath, watching his dick slowly disappear into Dwalin’s fist before reappearing, the foreskin pulled back to reveal the straining, purple head. He can feel heat at the small of his back, and he knows that it’s Dwalin’s erection pressing against him. As hard as it is to believe sometimes that Dwalin is willing to touch him, it’s harder to believe that _he_ has an effect on Dwalin, and can turn the man on. 

_Well I know he’s not old and I’m told, and I’m told he’s a virgin. For he may be she, what I’m told, and I’m never, never for certain…_

Over his ragged breathing, he can hear the squelch of the lube between his cock and Dwalin’s hand. It should embarrass him, all of this should embarrass him because he can’t stop making noises, but he’s too far gone to even care. This is why people have relationships, this is probably why his brother got a girlfriend. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world – nothing can compare to the heat that is sizzling down his spine, pooling at the base as his skin grows tighter and tighter. 

“Dwalin,” he says, his mouth bone dry.

“Look how beautiful you are.” Dwalin’s got his mouth pressed against the shell of Kili’s ear, and he’s nipping at the lobe in between sentences. “Look at the way your cock disappears into my fist, Kili. Feel how tight your balls are, I bet your hole would be so tight, too – ”

“Oh, Jesus,” Kili stutters, and his orgasm slams over him. His cock throbs as he splatters his release all over Dwalin’s fist and all up his t-shirt. Dwalin’s free hand moves down to cradle his balls, rolling them gently in his hand as his other hand continues to work over his cock, and Kili wants to positively _cry_ from how good it feels. 

_Through a glass eye, your throne is the one danger zone. Take me to the pilot for control, take me to the pilot of your soul…_

It’s just teetering on the edge of being too much, his skin sensitive, when Dwalin finally pulls his hand away. He reaches into the drawer of his nightstand and pulls out a packet of wet wipes. He cleans his hand off, and then briskly wipes Kili’s cock and balls off. He yanks Kili’s t-shirt over his head and chucks it across the room into the laundry basket. 

This time Kili doesn’t have to worry about Thorin coming in and interrupting them. This time, he will be able to see this through with Dwalin, because he’d hate for Dwalin to think that Kili was just greedy or something. He rolls away from Dwalin, sitting up and he stretches his hands high above his head until he can feel his joints pop. He’s completely naked in front of Dwalin, and yet he doesn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward. It’s an encouraging sign, and it bolsters his confidence so he’s able to turn and face Dwalin, sitting cross-legged between his spread thighs. 

“Can I touch you?” He asks, already reaching for the button on Dwalin’s jeans, and he slowly undoes it. He reaches for the zipper next, and slowly drags it down. It rasps loudly in the silent room, and goose bumps break out all over his skin. 

“Of course,” Dwalin says, and he swings his leg over Kili’s lap so he’s able to stand off the bed. He strips efficiently and without shame, his hard cock bobbing in the air, and his heavy balls swing as he climbs back on to the bed. He settles back against his pillow, his legs spread, and Kili takes a moment just to stare at the gift in front of him. 

“You’re so…” he means to say beautiful, but instead blurts out, “big!” 

Dwalin chuckles, and Kili can feel a heat crawl up the base of his neck to cover his cheeks. He hadn’t meant to say that, but it’s true. There’s definitely a size difference between Dwalin and Kili, but the older man doesn’t seem to care, so why should Kili?

Unlike him, Dwalin is circumcised, and so the head of his cock is the first thing that attracts Kili’s attention. He pours a little bloop of lube into his hand and smears it around the head, feeling the rough ridge before the smooth glide down the shaft. The slit is already revealed to him, and he rubs his thumb over it slowly, huffing out a breath of laughter as Dwalin’s cock jerks slightly. 

Dwalin’s balls are heavy when he cups them in his hand, rubbing the lube over them as well. The skin feels drawn tight there, and he thumbs behind them, just to catch Dwalin’s reaction as he swipes over his perineum. He’s not disappointed, the older man gasps out a sharp noise, his hips twitching on the bed. However, that feels like an area that Kili isn’t ready to fully explore yet, so he moves his hand back up to Dwalin’s shaft, and wraps his hand around it. His fingers just brush together when he’s fully gripping his cock, and he gives a few, experimental tugs. 

“That’s good,” Dwalin says, reaching down to pinch his own nipples, tugging on the bud until it stands pebbled and hard. Kili can’t fathom being so comfortable with his sexuality, but perhaps with Dwalin’s help he’ll eventually get there. 

It feels different than when he touches himself, there’s no skin to pull back, but it still feels good all the same. He can tell that the head doesn’t have the same sensitivity that his does, it’s not flushed quite as angrily, but he can still coax the pre-cum out when he thumbs it just the right way, carefully holding Dwalin’s cock in his left hand as his right thumb slides along the thick vein underside. 

The difference between their experience is obvious, it took Dwalin probably less than five minutes to get Kili to reach orgasm, while it takes Kili closer to twenty. He does eventually get them there, though, his wrist beginning to burn as he jacks him off, the lube slick between them. 

He doesn’t have the ability to talk dirty like Dwalin does, unless he wants his face to burn off in mortification. However, Dwalin makes up for it himself, muttering to himself the whole while, filthy things that he wants to do to Kili, and things he wants Kili to do to him. 

“I want to put a cock ring on you, and see how long it would take you to come,” Dwalin grits out, his chest heaving as his cock spurts. “I want to milk your prostate, and see how many times I can make you come before you’re a shivering, sniveling mess, begging for me to just fuck you already.”

Kili whimpers, he’s already hard again and Dwalin’s words are painting the most beautiful image in his mind. He wants to touch himself, but he’s still working Dwalin’s cock. Thankfully, Dwalin can see how hard he is, and how flushed his cock is again. He reaches between them and curls his fist around Kili, jerking him off quickly and efficiently. Kili cries out as he comes for a second time, his hand spasming against Dwalin’s cock, and it must be enough to send him over the edge because suddenly Dwalin is huffing out with a low moan and their fluids mix together between them on the bed. 

_Take me to the pilot, lead me through the chamber. Take me to the pilot, I am but a stranger. Na na na, na na na…_

Dwalin grabs the wet wipes again and cleans them both off. He stands up from the bed to put a pair of boxers on, and he leans down over the bed to slide his hand over Kili’s jaw, tilting his head up so he can lean down and kiss him slowly. He kisses Kili so slowly that his toes curl against the covers, and he feels like he could probably get hard again. 

“I’m hungry,” Dwalin says, reaching for a grey sweater in his closet and he pulls it on. “Do you want to order something in, or can I take you out?”

Kili blinks at him, because it feels a bit like Dwalin is asking to take him on a date. He’s never gone on a date before! “Let’s go out,” he says, climbing off the bed. “I’ll just go get dressed.”

“And do something with your hair,” Dwalin says, sliding his hand against Kili’s skull, leaning down to kiss him again. 

Kili’s breathless by the time he escapes back to his room and he dresses slowly, taking careful consideration in what he wears. He wants to look mature, like he’s on an actual date with Dwalin, and not just a stupid teenager. He’s grinning like a stupid teenager, though, but no one is here to see him. It’s still hard to believe that he gets this, that he’s actually doing this with Dwalin. 

Dwalin’s words had caused his stomach to flip nervously, because as much as he’s enjoying this, he’s not quite confident he’s ready for sex. He doesn’t think that Dwalin will be the receiving type, which means it will be up to him, and Dwalin was really big. How would it fit? He’s going to have to research a bit more on the internet. 

He brushes his hair and pulls it back into a bun, carefully sliding on black jeans. He pairs a white t-shirt with it, and then shrugs on a denim jacket. He misses his leather jacket. He hasn’t told Thorin about that yet, but perhaps Thorin will buy him another one for this Christmas, even though it’s a bit expensive. He dabs a little cologne behind his ear and studies himself in the mirror above his dresser. His face is flushed, and there’s a spot on his neck where Dwalin’s beard had rasped a little too hard. He doesn’t look seventeen, though, and that’s good enough for him.

***

Dwalin finally settles on taking Kili down to The Keg Mansion in downtown Toronto. There are plenty of other places he could take him, but he figures that the Keg is fancy enough for Kili to realize that it’s a date, but not too fancy that they won’t find something good on the menu. They take the subway, and then walk the rest of the way, hand in hand.

It’s a little risky, Dwalin knows this, but they’re uptown and they should be safe enough. There’s an obvious age gap between them, but thankfully there’s nothing that screams Kili is underage, and so Dwalin feels comfortable enough to slide their fingers together. The risk is worth it, judging from the grin on Kili’s face as they walk. 

They drop hands once they enter the restaurant and are seated in the back dining room. Kili hasn’t stopped looking around since they entered, and Dwalin has to admit that it’s a nice, romantic atmosphere. They’re seated in a booth, and Kili stretches his leg out to rub his foot against Dwalin’s ankle. 

“This is nice,” he says, studying the menu. 

“They’ve got a fantastic steak,” Dwalin says, already excited for his top sirloin steak. 

“This kind of feels like a date,” Kili says, his hand coming up to rub lightly over the grazed patch of skin on his chin. 

“That’s because this is a date,” Dwalin says carefully. He knows that what he’s doing is wrong, but he can’t bring himself to care. Right now, sitting across from Kili, Dwalin doesn’t remember a time where he’s ever felt so happy. “Our first date.”

Kili looks uncharacteristically shy at that. “I’ve never gone on a date before,” he admits, a delicious flush appearing on his cheekbones. “This is my first date overall.”

“I better make it memorable, then,” Dwalin says, and he grins at him. 

“I probably should have waited until after dinner before I put out,” Kili jokes, dropping Dwalin a wink. 

Dwalin shifts in the vinyl seat and forces his mind not to stray to how beautiful Kili had been, naked against him. How eager he had been, and how plump his cock had been. Dwalin’s craving to put it in his mouth, he wants to suck him, taste him. Dwalin absolutely loves sucking dick, and he wants to watch Kili completely unravel when he does it to him. 

“You can put out again,” he replies, sliding his foot out of his boot, and he trails it up between Kili’s thighs to press gently between them, the arch of his foot rubbing against the bulge in Kili’s jeans. 

Kili’s eyes grow wide, and he licks his lips. “Dwalin – ” he says, jerking slightly in his seat. “We’ll get caught!”

“Probably,” Dwalin agrees, and regretfully drops his foot back down. He does it just in time for the waitress to appear and take their order. He orders his top sirloin steak, and Kili orders a bacon wrapped chicken breast. 

“What do people talk about on their first date?” Kili asks curiously. “What’d you talk about with Bofur?”

Dwalin studies his face to see if he’s mentioned Bofur on purpose, but he looks completely innocent (for once), and so Dwalin just shrugs his shoulders. “You get to know people… you ask where they’re from, what they do, their hobbies… stuff like that.”

“Okay,” Kili says, nodding his head. He lifts his glass to take a sip of his Coke before he looks at Dwalin. “So, where’d you grow up?”

Dwalin laughs and rolls his eyes, but he wants to make this the best experience he can for Kili, since he’s already stealing so many of his firsts. “I grew up in Kitchener,” he replies, even though he knows Kili is aware of this. “Bit small for my tastes. What about you?”

Kili grins at him, and settles back in the booth. “I was born in Langley, and we moved to New Westminster when I was around five. I lived there for ten years, before I relocated to Toronto.”

“Trading the West for the East,” Dwalin quips, and it’s a balm to his heart to know that Kili can now speak of moving here without growing upset. It’s been two years, but Dwalin still remembers how terrified Thorin had been the night that Kili had tried to run away.

“It wasn’t ideal at the time, but it has its charms,” Kili says loftily, and Dwalin has to laugh out loud at that. 

“What’s the biggest draw for the East?” He asks, fishing intentionally for a compliment. 

“Definitely the educational system,” Kili jokes. “My horizons have really been expanded.”

Dwalin laughs, but it sounds hollow even to his own ears. He hates that Kili still has over eight months left going to school before he’s graduated and considered an adult. Of course, he only has five months before he’s eighteen and legally an adult, and Dwalin is thankful that date is much sooner. Sometimes he really can’t believe that he’s actually dating a seventeen year old. 

“How’s your hand?” He asks. 

Kili flushes and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s all right. So what are some of your hobbies?” He asks, steering the conversation away to something more comfortable, and Dwalin’s relieved. Plus, this might actually be beneficial, because he could really learn something about Kili here. He doesn’t presume to think that he _knows_ Kili, despite living with him for two years. 

“I opened a gym because I have a real passion for it, and so I love working out,” Dwalin says, and he doesn’t miss the way Kili’s eyes dart to his biceps. He flexes them a little, just a tiny bit, to show off. “I also really enjoy cooking shows. If I’m going to sit down and watch TV, then I’d like to watch something like Masterchef or Hell’s Kitchen. I’d say it inspires me in the kitchen, but…”

“I’ve tasted your food,” Kili teases. The word food seems magical, because suddenly their plates are being set down in front of them, and they’re able to start eating. “I know you also like reading,” Kili continues, cutting a piece of chicken off. “What kind of books do you like to read?”

“Mostly fantasy,” Dwalin says, because he loves big, thick tombed books. “The _Chronicles of Narnia_ is my favourite series. I’ll read sci-fi as well, but fantasy is more enjoyable.”

“I’ve never read those books,” Kili admits, wrinkling his nose as he dabs his chicken into a little silver dish of green puree. “What the fuck is this?”

“It’s to dip your chicken in,” Dwalin says, feeling incredibly cultured because he watches cooking shows. “It’s probably a broccoli puree.”

“I think the menu said asparagus,” Kili says, and hesitantly dabs his chicken in it before eating it. His face clears in pleasant surprise. “It’s actually not bad.”

“Good,” Dwalin says, sawing off a piece of steak. “As for reading those books, they’re a bit difficult to get into unless you’re a reader. You might find them a little daunting,” he says. “I’d suggest The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It’s the most famous one in the series, and it’s just one small book. Even someone like you with a tiny attention span could get through it pain free.”

“I don’t have a small attention span!” Kili protests, and then suddenly digs at his mashed potatoes. “I think there is garlic in here! They’re delicious!”

“You were saying?” Dwalin says, hiding a smile. “What are your hobbies?”

“I like music,” Kili says, dragging another piece of chicken through the puree. “I like the classic rock era. I like comedy movies, and action. I like a lot of different TV actually, I’m not cultured like you and read big thick books. I like smoking, does that count?”

“No, and I wish you wouldn’t,” Dwalin says. He could pretend it’s for good reasons and claim all sorts of concern for Kili’s health, but the simple truth of the matter is that Dwalin just hates the taste. 

“You don’t like it?” Kili raises an eyebrow, and when Dwalin mutely shakes his head, he says, “All right. I’ll quit. It was getting to be expensive, anyway.”

“You’ll quit, just like that?” Dwalin clarifies. 

“I mean, yeah.” Kili shifts in the booth, and he’s blushing again. “If you don’t like it, then of course I’ll quit, Dwalin. It’s that simple.”

Dwalin stares at him, and then down at his food. He’s suddenly lost his desire to eat. Instead, he wants to lay Kili down on his bed, spread him open and take him slowly over and over, show him how much he means to Dwalin. He really is the sweetest. 

“You’re wonderful,” is what he ends up saying, hoping that his face isn’t too red. “You’re absolutely wonderful, and I am so glad we are doing this.”

“Speaking of… _this_,” Kili hesitates before he forges on ahead, clearly nervous. “What sort of label is on this?”

“What kind of label are you looking for?” Dwalin asks curiously. He has a pretty good idea where this conversation is headed, and strangely enough, it doesn’t scare him as much as it probably should. 

“I want to know if you’re my boyfriend, and if I’m yours,” Kili says, swallowing hard. “I want to know if I have a right to be jealous over you, or if you’re still going to go to pubs with guys like Bofur.”

Dwalin’s silent for a moment, playing with the sweat around his glass of beer. He slides his thumb through the condensation, knowing that he needs to speak carefully, but honest, here. He can’t continue to lead Kili on. Every time he resolves it’s over, they end up doing something physical, and Dwalin changes his mind. Today has cemented it in his mind, though, that despite the risks, he’s all in. 

“I’m completely yours,” he finally says, looking up at Kili. “Regardless of what happens, I’m deciding right now that I am yours, and you are mine.”

“Shit, yes…” A giddy smile breaks over Kili’s face, and he stares down at the table. 

Dwalin feels his heart flip over in his chest, and he reaches across the table to take Kili’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Hey,” he says. “I want you to know that, but you also need to know that if you ever want to be done, then you tell me. I don’t want to ever force you into anything. I understand that I’m older, and that in this relationship, I’ve got more power. I don’t want to abuse that, so you need to talk to me, okay?”

“You’d never abuse that power,” Kili says, and Dwalin has to appreciate the confidence he has in him, even if it is unfounded. 

“I’ll try not to,” he promises. “If we’re going to do this, though, then we need to set up some ground rules.”

Kili makes a face at him. “What do you mean ground rules?” He challenges, cocking an eyebrow. 

“It means that we’re going to set up some boundaries for both of our sakes,” Dwalin says firmly, because he’s not going to budge on this. If Kili wants this to happen, then there are going to be ground rules.

“Fine…” Kili heaves a dramatic sigh, like his agreement cost him everything. 

Little diva.

“The first rule is that you can break up with me any time you want,” Dwalin says, nudging Kili’s hand so he’ll look him in the eye. “I know you say I won’t abuse that power, and I will try my best not to, but the power still exists, whether we like it or not. So you need to be aware that you are able to walk away from this at any point in time, and nothing bad will happen.”

“Why are you so bent on breaking up?” Kili mutters, and he drops his gaze from Dwalin’s. “You make it sound like we’re over before we’ve even really begun.”

“I’m not bent on anything except making sure you know that you have a choice, and that you will always have a choice,” Dwalin says. “The second rule is that we are discreet. I know you aren’t the most subtle creature – ”

“Hey!” 

“You _aren’t_,” Dwalin insists. “It’s not a bad quality, but it’s something you need to be aware of. What we are doing is illegal, Kili. I could… lose everything if people found out about us.” He swallows thickly, and uncertainty churns in his gut. Sometimes he’s still not sure that this is the right decision, that he’s making the right move. Some day when he’s sitting in prison, he’ll look back on this moment and kick himself for not walking away. 

“I would never tell anyone,” Kili says fervently, and this time his eyes fly up to meet Dwalin’s. “I would never betray your trust. I hope you know that.”

“I do, but it’s going to be hard sometimes to be around each other and act normally,” Dwalin says, because he remembers his first relationship. They had fucked on every possible surface, constantly touching and stroking and unable to stay away from each other. 

“Fair enough,” Kili says, and then narrows his eyes. “Do I get to contribute to these ground rules, or is this just something you’re able to do, as the person in the source of power?”

Dwalin starts, because he hadn’t expected that Kili would have rules of his own, but of course he should have expected that. Kili has never taken the path easily trodden, and he doubts the future will be different. “Of course you can contribute if you have something valuable,” he says, because these need to be serious rules. This can’t be treated like a joke. 

“Okay, good,” Kili says, wiping his mouth with his napkin. He sets his fork down and studies Dwalin seriously, his dark eyes a well so deep that Dwalin would willingly drown in. “I don’t want any references to my age. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a joke, or if you’re upset. I don’t want to be called a child, or a kid, or have any immature reference, regardless of how I’m acting. If we are going to be equals in this relationship, then that’s my rule.”

It’s a fair rule, and it’s far more mature than Dwalin ever expected out of Kili. It makes hope bloom in his chest, a sharp punch to the lungs. It makes all of this seem tangible – seem so _real_. “You’ve got yourself a deal,” he says, and he reaches across the table to shake his hand. “Now that that’s out of the way, let’s finish our food and go home before Thorin gets back. I believe you said something about putting out?”

Kili grins at him, drops a wink, and stuffs another piece of chicken in his mouth. “If you play your cards right.”


	11. Chapter 11

“See you tomorrow, loser,” Azog sneers at him. He takes a step closer to Kili, but then pauses like he’s been threatened to be removed from the football team if he’s caught bullying. He pulls back and gives Kili the finger before sauntering off. The rest of his Orcs echo the finger sentiment and then follow him away. 

Kili rolls his eyes. He’d rather be called loser than fag any day. Toronto isn’t the first time he’s heard that label applied to him, there were dumb kids in New West as well. None of them to the degree that Azog is, but loser isn’t a new definition. It holds no power over Kili, though, not when he knows that there is someone who doesn’t believe he’s a loser. 

Somehow, he’s managed to find someone that believes he’s worth something, that he’s actually a good person with talents and possibilities. Dwalin is always so quick to praise him for the littlest thing, even math homework. He’ll sit with Kili every night if he needs him, patiently helping him go over every question until he gets them right. He’ll ruffle Kili’s hair like Thorin used to, and if Thorin isn’t around, then he’ll give him a kiss as well. 

Victory tastes like the inside of Dwalin’s mouth, and Kili will never believe that he’s a loser again. 

He goes to a pawn shop after school, one that is just a couple blocks from the apartment building, and roams around inside while he kills time. He explores every item thoroughly, and chats with the owner, who is used to him by this point. He knows that Kili doesn’t have any money to buy anything, but he also respects that Kili’s a curious character, and will let him explore to his heart’s content, as long as he’s careful. 

By the time he gets home, Thorin and Dwalin are both home, and much to Kili’s surprise, Fili is sitting sprawled out on the couch, holding a beer bottle against his chest as he talks animatedly with Thorin. Icy cold wraps its way down around Kili’s spine, and he pauses in the doorway. They haven’t spoken since Thanksgiving; Kili has ignored every phone call and text, and despite Dwalin’s encouragement, he’s never reached out. 

“Hey, there’s the queer of the hour!” Fili exclaims once he notices him. His cheeks are really flushed, and the smile he gives Kili isn’t quite friendly. “Uncle called and told me that you finally told him the truth.”

The insult rankles him, but Thorin’s present and he doesn’t want to fight in front of him. “Yes, Uncle and I spoke,” Kili says, and begins to edge past the couch. “Why are you home?”

“I only had one class today since Friday is always a light load, so I thought I’d skip it and come home for the weekend. It’s Gimli’s birthday tomorrow, so we’re going out.”

Despite the fact that Gimli is a few months younger than Kili, he’s always been more Fili’s friend, and the lack of an invitation out stings more than it should. That just rankles him further, because he shouldn’t want to hang out with Fili, not when his brother considers him to be such a burden. 

“Cool,” he says, hitching his backpack further up his shoulder. “I have a bunch of homework, so I’ll just be in my room.”

Fili studies him in a way that Kili doesn’t like, and so he quickly heads down the hallway. He slams his bedroom door for emphasis, but he hasn’t gone into his room, instead he slips inside of Dwalin’s and shuts the door silently behind himself. Dwalin’s reclined on his bed, but he immediately sets his book down. 

“You okay?” Is the first thing he asks, and the concern he has over Kili’s sense of well-being makes his chest hurt. It’s a role that should belong to his brother, but Fili’s given it up. 

“I didn’t expect him here,” Kili says, shrugging his shoulders and evading the question. He’s not entirely sure how he feels, although he doesn’t think it’s very positive. “What are you reading?”

“Still Lord of the Rings,” Dwalin says ruefully, tapping the cover of his book with his index finger. “It’s a pretty big book.”

“I probably shouldn’t stay in here,” Kili says reluctantly. He wishes he could curl up on the bed and press against Dwalin’s chest, closing his eyes to sleep as Dwalin read. They’ve done that before, and Kili always found the steady beat of Dwalin’s heart to be the most lulling sound in the world. 

“No, probably not,” Dwalin agrees, and sure enough, his door swings open and Fili’s standing in the doorway. 

“What are you doing in here?” He asks, and now that he’s closer to his brother, Kili can smell the sour scent of alcohol on his breath. 

“Are you drunk?” Kili demands, because he can’t remember Fili ever really expressing interest in alcohol. He had always been so focused on his school work and ensuring he kept his grades up so he could be accepted into a prestigious law school like York. 

“None of your business, is it,” Fili says, lightly tapping Kili on the end of his nose, and he pulls out of reach. 

“Don’t touch me,” he mutters, hating that suddenly home isn’t even safe for him anymore, and now he has to worry if Fili is going to snap on him again. 

“What were you doing in here?” Fili asks again, and he narrows his gaze. “Are you two part of a club or something?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Dwalin snaps, and he rises from the bed. He paints an intimidating picture, and Kili is relieved to see Fili take a step back. “Kili’s just borrowing a book from me for school,” he says, going to his book shelf and he passes Kili a worn copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_. 

“Ah yes, the simple life of a high school student,” Fili says, his mouth twisting. His brother suddenly looks tired, small lines around the corner of his eyes that hadn’t been there before he left in September. 

“Everything all right?” Thorin’s popping his head inside the room now, and Kili decides that he’s going to test his luck, and just see how far he can go. 

“No, everything isn’t all right,” he says, straightening his shoulders and he stares at Fili, who he doesn’t even know anymore. His brother used to be the first to defend him, the first to encourage him, and now he’s the first to insult him. “I don’t like it when you call me queer, or say Dwalin and I are part of a club. It’s not funny, it’s actually offensive, and I’m asking you to stop.”

“Fili, did you really say those things?” Thorin’s eyes have widened, and he glances over at Fili before looking back towards Kili. “You’ll have to forgive your brother, I think he perhaps indulged a little too much while he was out for dinner with friends. I think he’s a little drunk, because Fili wouldn’t normally say such things.”

“I don’t really know what Fili will say anymore,” Kili says, raising an eyebrow, and he feels a rush of satisfaction sweep over him as Fili ducks his head and looks away. It would appear that Fili is finally realizing that perhaps he isn’t the only one changing while they have been apart, that he is not the only one growing and learning new things. 

“At any rate, Fili, your friends are here,” Thorin says, and Fili follows him out of the room, throwing Kili one final glance over his shoulder. His brother looks confused, and it’s such a satisfying sight to see. 

“Have fun,” Kili says, not meaning it in the slightest. 

“I’m surprised you’re not going, Kili,” Thorin says, glancing between the pair of them. 

“I’m not, considering I wasn’t invited,” Kili says loftily, and then sweeps into his bedroom with a slam of the door. 

The rest of the evening passes quietly, and Kili wakes up around three in the morning, when there’s a thump by the door. He sits up in the bed and squints at the door as he sees a figure stumbling through it, trying to kick off a pair of boots. He reaches over and turns on his lamp, and the room is suddenly bathed in pale light. 

“Hey,” Fili says, except he punches the word out, hard and fast, as he wrestles his shirt off. He smells like he’s bathed in a bucket of beer, and his eyes are wide, darting around. “How are you? How was your night? Everything good?”

“Everything’s fine, except for how loud _you’re_ being,” Kili says, irritated at being woken up. Fili seems drunk, and it annoys him to know that his brother was out having fun, while he was sitting at home doing _nothing_. 

“Sorry, sorry, so sorry, I’m sorry,” Fili says, and he throws himself down on his bed so heavily that the frame rattles against the wall. 

“What is your _deal_?” Kili huffs, flipping his pillow over to the cool side and he lies back down in his bed, snuggling under his covers. “Go to sleep.”

“I will, but I can’t, too much to do,” Fili says, and suddenly a rough, jagged sob slips from his throat. “I have to study. Fuck, I have so much studying to do!”

Kili sits back up, feeling nervous. He’s never seen his brother like this, and he can tell that despite his inexperience with alcohol, Fili is more than drunk. He’s excited, yet almost near tears. He seems completely strung out, and that’s when it hits him. He sucks in a sharp breath as he stares at his brother. “Are you on _drugs_?”

“We did coke,” Fili admits, running a hand through his shorn hair. His hand continues down, almost like he’s forgotten that he cut off his long hair before going to university. “It’s not a big deal, don’t tell Thorin. If you tell Thorin, I’ll be really mad. Do you really want me mad again?”

Kili stares at him, and wonders how it was possible for them to drift so far apart in such a little amount of time. He finally swallows hard and reaches over to click the lamp off. The room plunges into darkness once more, and all he can hear is his brother’s ragged breathing. “Just go to sleep,” Kili says, curling up on his side so he can keep an eye on Fili. “Just go to sleep and it’ll be better in the morning.”

He doesn’t know how he manages it, but he finally falls back asleep and doesn’t wake until after nine in the morning. Given that it’s a Saturday, he doesn’t feel too bad about sleeping in. Fili is still snoring heavily across from him, his mouth dropped open and a line of drool dripping on to his pillow. 

Kili dresses as quietly as he can and steals from the room, shutting the door behind himself. He knows he should probably talk to Thorin about the fact that Fili is doing drugs, but his brother’s anger is still fresh in his mind, and he doesn’t think he can handle another fight. If it was just a one off time, then surely it’s not that large of a deal, and Kili should just let it go. 

The rest of the apartment is quiet when he emerges from the bathroom, with Thorin nowhere in sight and Dwalin reclining in his arm chair, reading. The only sound he can hear is music playing from the small living room radio. He glances in Thorin’s bedroom just to be sure his uncle is gone before he moves to lean against the chair, tilting down for the kiss that Dwalin offers him. 

“Where’s Thorin?” He asks once he’s broken away. 

“Gone to work of course, he said something about that cursed Erebor account.” Dwalin rolls his eyes, and Kili grins. His uncle has been talking about that account for months now. “How’s Fili?”

“Still sleeping, he’ll probably have a hangover when he wakes up,” Kili says, and then hesitates. He knows Fili had told him not to tell Thorin about the cocaine, but he never said he couldn’t tell Dwalin, and Kili really would feel so much better confiding in someone else.

“Yes, he seemed drunk before he even left,” Dwalin says, and his arm is sliding around Kili’s waist, drawing him closer in a casual, yet comfortable, manner. 

“I don’t think he had just been drinking,” Kili says quietly, but falls silent because he can hear his bedroom door thumping open. He pulls away from Dwalin, just in time as Fili appears in the living room, rubbing the last of the sleep from his eyes. 

“Hey,” he grunts, stumbling into the kitchen where he pulls open the fridge door and takes out the carton of milk. He uncaps the lid and takes a swig straight from it. Kili’s mouth drops open in indignation, but he remains quiet. 

He’s learned to not fight with Fili. 

“How you feeling?” Dwalin asks, narrowing his eyes as he assesses Fili. 

“Fine,” Fili mutters, and he’s stashing the milk back in the fridge with one hand while the other tries to flatten his hair down. “I’ve got to catch the bus in a few minutes.”

“The bus?” Kili wrinkles his nose and moves to sit down on the couch. “Where are you going?”

“Back to uni,” Fili retorts, grabbing the last chocolate chip muffin and he crams half of it into his mouth. 

Kili’s mouth tightens in irritation. Thorin always insists on buying a variety box, which usually includes bran, carrot, and chocolate chip. Kili had been _saving_ that muffin for today, damn it. The last thing he expected was stupid Fili to sneak in under his nose and filch it right before his very eyes. However, he remains silent because like he’s said – he’s learned not to fight with Fili, not anymore. 

“I thought you were going out with Gimli tonight for his birthday,” is what he says instead. 

“I thought so too, but I just realized I have four papers due Monday, instead of the two I originally thought, and I can’t not do them…” Fili trails off, and then suddenly slams his fist into the wall. It breaks past the paint and plaster, leaving a hole. “Fuck! I hate it!”

“Jesus!” Dwalin shouts, leaping to his feet. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Some of us still live here, you know, and we don’t appreciate you putting holes in our walls! Unless you want to pay for the damage deposit, keep your mitts to yourself!”

“Oh, fuck your damage deposit,” Fili snaps, but his face has reddened, and his eyes are suspiciously bright. “I’ve got to go, okay? I’m sorry. Don’t tell Thorin about the wall. I’ve got to go!”

He grabs his bag that’s still sitting on the floor by the door and thuds his way out the door and down the stairs. The apartment is silent in the wake of his departure, and Dwalin moves to shut and lock the door before Bilbo can poke his nose into their business once more. 

“I think you should probably tell me what you know,” Dwalin says, turning back to face Kili. “I think something is going on, because I have never seen your brother act like that. I already thought his behavior at Thanksgiving was abnormal, but this only confirms my suspicions that something is going on.”

Kili hesitates. He wants to confide in Dwalin, but he’s still worried that he’ll tell Thorin, who will talk to Fili, who in turn, will know that Kili squealed. Fili’s nineteen, he’s an adult. If he wants to drink too much and indulge in drugs, that’s kind of his business, isn’t it? Thorin can’t really tell Fili off any more, not now that he’s actually an adult and going to university. Fili’s free to make his own choices, as terrible as they might be. 

Plus, he really doesn’t want to make Fili mad again. 

“I don’t know anything,” he settles on saying, and the lie tastes sour in his mouth. “I think Fili’s been drinking too much, but that’s a pretty common university experience. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, or tell Thorin about.”

“Are you sure?” Dwalin presses. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yes, I know, and yes, I’m sure,” Kili says, even if he isn’t. He’s only seventeen, he doesn’t know if drugs are that common at university, or if he should be really worried. He should probably keep in better touch with Fili to keep track of him, but he doesn’t even feel like he knows him anymore. 

Was it really just three months ago that they strolled the streets of Toronto together, thick as thieves? 

“I’m going to shower,” Dwalin says, and then he’s disappearing into the bathroom, shutting the door. The lack of an invitation stings more than it should. 

Kili huffs out a breath and turns to the radio. He flips through the dials, but he’s kind of gotten used to Dwalin’s music. He flips it back to the easy rock station that Dwalin had previously been listening to and settles down on the couch and pushes all thoughts of Fili out of his mind. The sound of running water in the background is comforting, and due to a restless sleep, Kili finds it easy to drift off.

***

Dwalin emerges from the bathroom, the back of his neck still damp. Every instinct inside of him is telling him to leave the apartment, but he meant what he said to Kili – he is choosing this, and he will have to learn to live with the guilt. He crouches down beside the couch and rests his hand against Kili’s shoulder, giving him a gentle shake. 

“Hey,” he says softly. “You should go back to bed if you’re so tired.”

He has a lot of questions regarding Kili’s tiredness. He can only imagine the sort of sleep he got with Fili in the room. His mouth twists at the thought of Fili. There’s something going on with him, he can tell. It’s something he should probably discuss with Thorin but… the truth is, Dwalin is selfish. He likes that Thorin is so distracted with work, that his attentions are occupied elsewhere. If he alerts Thorin to the fact that there is something going on with Fili, then Thorin will probably over-react like he tends to do, and he will direct his attention to Kili as well, and that’s the last thing that Dwalin wants. 

“No, I’m fine,” Kili says, rubbing his eyes and he scoots up into a sitting position. 

From the way his body moves, Dwalin can see a sliver of skin as his shirt rides up, and his mouth is suddenly dry. “Thorin will be gone all day,” he says, and he moves his hand down from Kili’s shoulder to the hem of his shirt, toying with it slowly. “Can I show you something in my room?”

“Sure,” Kili says, and Dwalin doesn’t miss the way his throat works as he swallows hard. 

Dwalin’s stomach flips as he stands and pulls Kili from the couch. He keeps their hands entwined and leads him into his bedroom, shutting the door behind them. The sound of the lock clicking into place is loud in the silence, the music from the radio suddenly muffled, and Kili’s hand tightens against his own. 

“Is this okay?” Dwalin murmurs, because despite his selfishness, he has _limits_. 

_Time on my hands could be time spent with you, laughing like children, living like lovers. Rolling like thunder under the covers, and I guess that’s why they call it the blues…_

“Yes,” Kili says, and he pulls his hand away from Dwalin’s so that he can pull his shirt from his body, tossing it to the floor. His skin is pale in the early morning sunlight, and Dwalin is unable to resist him any longer. 

He pulls Kili closer to him, sliding a large hand along his jaw, pressing his fingertips against the bone. He tips Kili’s head back and then leans down over him, licking slowly at his bottom lip. Kili shivers against him and his mouth drops open in a pant. Dwalin’s other free slides into the tangles of Kili’s long hair, and he can’t help but wind his fingers around it, pulling sharply. 

Kili moans as his head snaps back, revealing the long, pale column of his throat. Dwalin leans down and presses a kiss to the side of his neck, gentle at first, before he seals his mouth around the skin and sucks sharply until a bruise suddenly blooms forward. He trails his lips upwards until he can finally capture Kili’s mouth. He kisses him as roughly as he feels guilty, swallowing every noise that he makes. 

Dwalin has his hand on the button of Kili’s jeans before he realizes it, and while he knows that he should never be the one to instigate things, they’ve already come this far, and he’s already done this much, so what’s the difference at this point? He flicks the button open and pulls the zipper down, the rasp loud in the air over the panting of Kili’s breathing. He should really get Kili on to the bed, but he doesn’t have the patience for it – he wants to taste him now. 

He pushes Kili back up against his bedroom door and sinks to his knees, wriggling his damn skinny jeans down over his hips to pool around his thighs. His boxer briefs are quick to follow, and then he’s laid bare in front of Dwalin, half-erect with a flushed, pink head. He looks up from his spot on the floor, and Kili stares down at him, licking his lips. 

“I won’t last long,” he warns, and Dwalin knows that he’s never had his dick in someone’s mouth before. 

This is Dwalin’s privilege alone – Dwalin’s _right_.

This is something to absolutely savour. He leans forward and takes Kili’s cock in his hand, stroking it slowly until its fully erect in his hand, and already beading at the top. He grins, pleased to know that he has such an affect on Kili. 

“You’re teasing,” Kili says, although his voice sounds much shakier than it did before. 

He’s staring down at Dwalin, wide-eyed and with flushed cheeks. He looks positively perfect, and Dwalin’s heart clenches in his chest. They’ve only been doing this for a few weeks now, but already Dwalin feels too attached to him. He’s not an idiot, he’s not going to assume there are any grand feelings between the pair of them, but he knows that there is definitely stirrings in his heart that weren’t there before. 

It should scare him, but it doesn’t. 

He leans forward and drags his tongue over the tip of Kili’s cock, licking the bead of pre-cum. It bursts on his tongue, salty and bitter. It’s been a while since he has performed oral sex on someone, but it’s much like riding a bicycle. He lowers his mouth down around Kili’s cock and gets to work. He sucks him down to the root, breathing deeply through his nostrils so he doesn’t gag.

Kili jerks forward with a sharp gasp, and Dwalin has to immediately press his forearm against Kili’s hip, pinning him against the door. He hollows his cheeks as he doubles down his efforts, the taste and smell of Kili surrounding him. He’s always been a fan of sucking dick. He knows that it’s an acquired taste, but Dwalin had learned to enjoy the power it gave him to watch someone completely unravel. 

Kili’s fingertips are tentative on his scalp, digging slightly into the skin as he breathes heavily above him. The is the first time that Kili had been so intimate with someone, and it is Dwalin’s chance to guide him, to show him how beautiful love and sex can be.   
Dwalin hadn’t been given that experience; he had slowly earned his experience through fumbled and sometimes painful coupling. He hadn’t had someone who knew what they were doing him show him the way, and now Kili will never have the growing pains that Dwalin did. 

He’s leaking steadily into Dwalin’s mouth, pre-cum and spit oozing out of the corners of his mouth to grow sticky in his beard. He feels positively filthy. He feels the head of Kili’s cock pressing at the back of his throat, and he swallows hard so his throat convulses around the throbbing cock. 

Kili slams into the back of the door, his fingernails scraping down Dwalin’s scalp as he gasps out, “I’m close – close!” 

Dwalin pulls back so just the head in his mouth, swirling his tongue over the tip as he slurps back, and he jerks his face away just in time for Kili to spend all over his face. There’s cum in his beard, painted on his face and dripping from his eyebrows. He carefully wipes his eyes clear, and smiles up at Kili who is staring down at him with wide eyes. 

“Babe,” Kili says, and then stops to lick his lips. He’s still trembling, and Dwalin can’t stop himself from surging to his feet so he can kiss Kili. He licks into his mouth, unafraid to share his taste with him. 

“Now you’re as filthy as me,” Dwalin murmurs against his lips. He’s hard in his pants, and he presses against Kili’s hip, grinding to give himself some relief. 

“Can we shower?” Kili whispers, and his hand drops down to rub at Dwalin’s erection. “Let’s shower and take care of this, and then can I take you somewhere?”

“Sure,” Dwalin agrees immediately, despite the fact that he already showered today. His interest is intrigued. Kili always disappears, and so Dwalin is positive he has a variety of haunts that he goes to, and the fact that he’s sharing one of them with Dwalin says more than words ever will.

***

Once they have finished their shower and Kili’s wrist doesn’t feel so numb, he leads Dwalin from the apartment and down the busy streets to his favourite place in Toronto – his little theatre where they won’t be disturbed. It’s a Saturday, so it’s busier than usual, but Kili doesn’t care. The people here don’t know him, minus Rhonda, and she won’t say anything. There’s a _Star Trek_ marathon playing in one theatre and a _Mission Impossible_ series playing in the other. 

Kili pulls out his wallet, because this is a date, and turns to Dwalin. “Which one d’you want?”

“I’m game for either,” Dwalin says, and there’s a little smile playing around the corner of his lips that Kili wants to kiss away. 

“I want you to choose,” Kili says, and then lowers his voice because he _does_ come here often, and he doesn’t want Dwalin to get into trouble. “This is our second date, okay? You took me for dinner, and now I’m taking you to the movies.”

Dwalin’s eyes soften, and he clears his throat. “Then I would like to see _Star Trek_, please,” he says, because he’s always preferred fantasy and sci-fi over action and comedy. 

“Two tickets to the _Star Trek_ marathon,” Kili says to Rhonda, and he hands over his wad of money. It’s a little more expensive than usual, since they’re seeing multiple movies, but once they’re in the back row of the theatre, Kili knows it will be worth it. 

They buy popcorn, twizzlers, and coke, and carry their finds into the theatre which is half full. Very few couples, though, majority of the audience sits in the middle of the theatre, and Kili leads Dwalin to the back row to settle into their seats with their snacks. 

Dwalin is still smiling, just slightly, and so Kili turns to him to whisper, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Dwalin murmurs, and he slides his hand along Kili’s jaw. “I just know how much this place means to you, and you’re sharing it with me.”

Kili flushes, but he doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t know how to be romantic. He’s never dated before, he’s never even had anyone interested in him before. He tries to be charming, but he doesn’t know if he’s ever successfully flirted or not. However, with Dwalin, all of the cliché sayings he could say disappear, and all that is left is the truth. “I want to share everything with you,” he says, and closes his eyes as Dwalin kisses him. 

It’s the perfect, cheesy date that Kili has always envisioned. They share popcorn, and Kili licks the butter and salt off of Dwalin’s fingertips. They share a drink, and exchange lazy kisses that taste like licorice. Despite the difficult past few months, Kili doesn’t think he’s ever felt lighter. 

In fact, he almost feels happy. 

The crowd begins to thin out as the movies progress, and even though Kili could stay here all day and watch movie after movie, he senses Dwalin getting restless beside him. Dwalin has never been a big one to watch TV, he tends to read more than watch, and so Kili finally takes him by the hand and leads him out of the theatre. 

Dwalin raises a quizzical eyebrow once they’re in the front lobby. “What’s wrong?” He asks. “They were just getting to the modern movies. I know you like Chris Pine.”

Kili flushes, but he doesn’t deny it. He_ does_ like Chris Pine, there’s something about those pale eyes. “I know that you were getting a bit bored,” he says, sliding his arm into the crook of Dwalin’s. “I thought maybe we could go grab a bite to eat, it’s almost dinner time.”

“I’m not that bored,” Dwalin says quickly, pulling Kili to a stop. “We can go back in if you want!”

“I’d rather go for dinner,” Kili says, and Dwalin must hear the sincerity in his voice, because he resumes walking. Kili steps away from him the moment they step outside, because they are in their neighbourhood, and anyone could see them – anyone like Bilbo or Thorin. 

“What are you in the mood for?” Dwalin asks, and he reaches out to tuck Kili’s hair behind his ear. 

It’s a small gesture, but it causes Kili’s stomach to flip. Now that Dwalin has decided that they’re doing this, he’s more romantic than Kili ever imagined he could be. “I could eat anything,” he says, slightly breathlessly. 

Dwalin’s gaze sharpens on him, his nostrils flaring. “Anything?” He murmurs, and Kili suddenly has a memory of watching himself slide in and out of Dwalin’s mouth, lips stretched pink around his cock. 

He trips on the sidewalk, and Dwalin is quick in his reflexes to reach out and steady him. “Thanks,” Kili says, and he feels hot and cold all over. While he knows that Dwalin would never pressure him into anything, he isn’t sure if he’s ready to have Dwalin’s large cock in his mouth. 

Dwalin nudges his shoulder and then neatly steps around a woman so he’s closer to Kili. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he says. He reaches up and smooths his beard down, and Kili remembers how that beard had felt against his neck, his stomach, his hips. 

“You didn’t,” he assures him, and reaches down to adjust himself, ignoring the smirk that appears on Dwalin’s face. “I just… I know I’m not experienced, and so I wouldn’t want to disappoint you because I suddenly changed my mind.”

Dwalin stops walking, and jerks Kili to a stop beside him. The smirk is gone now, and replaced by a serious expression. “You would never disappoint me because you changed your mind,” he says. “You’re allowed to change your mind regardless of what’s happening. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, you are allowed to stop at any time if you don’t like something. I want you to know that.”

“Okay,” Kili says, and a feeling of peace washes over him. “That makes me feel a lot better,” he adds, because it’s true. It doesn’t matter that Dwalin is older and more experienced than him. He suddenly feels a lot more equal in this relationship, and it still makes him feel tight in the chest and light in the head to think that he’s in an actual, genuine relationship with _Dwalin_. 

“Why don’t we go get something to eat, and then go back to the apartment and see where the night takes us?” Dwalin offers, beginning to walk again. 

“Sounds perfect,” Kili exhales, throwing caution to the wind and sliding his arm into Dwalin’s again. 

However, by the time they finish eating and get back to the apartment, Thorin is home and immediately drags Dwalin into a conversation between himself and Bilbo regarding football. Kili feels slightly disappointed, but overall the day has been so fantastic that he can’t even dwell on it for too long. He goes to sleep with a smile on his face and doesn’t wake until morning.

***

Later that week, Thorin tells Kili that he’s responsible for making dinner again, and that this time Balin will be joining them. More importantly, he’s completely on his own, as Thorin and Balin will work until six and then come home and expect to find a dinner on the table. He accepts the money that Thorin passes him, and then waits until his uncle has left the apartment before he mutters, “Fuck.”

Dwalin snorts from the bathroom where he’s getting ready. “Don’t panic,” he calls. “You’ll be fine.”

Kili rolls his eyes in the safety of the kitchen before he makes his way down the short hallway to where the bathroom is. He leans against the doorjamb and watches as Dwalin neatly combs his beard. “It’s so easy to laugh when you’re going to be at the gym and absolutely no help to me at all.”

“I’ll help you,” Dwalin promises as he sets the comb down and moves closer to Kili. He’s wearing a black tank top with black jeans, and a plaid shirt thrown over it. He looks positively delicious, and Kili wishes he didn’t have to leave to go to school. 

“You going to cook with me?” Kili asks, reaching out to hook a finger in Dwalin’s belt loop. 

“Sure,” Dwalin agrees, and he’s leaning down to press a sweet kiss against Kili’s lips. “I’ll leave work early and pick you up from school. We can go to the grocery store and get some items and come back to cook.”

“I’d like that,” Kili says, and he feels warm inside. “Do you have anything you’re really good at making? I mean, I’m doubting it since I’ve lived with you for two years and I’ve yet to see anything Gordon Ramsey approved…”

“Shut it, you,” Dwalin says, and he cuffs the back of Kili’s head lightly. “I’ll have you know that I can make a mean chicken parm.”

Kili wrinkles his nose, since that seems like something that is beyond his skill level. He’s also never once seen Dwalin cook chicken parm before, and while he’d like to have faith in him… “I feel like that’s beyond my wheelhouse,” he says slowly, and then shrugs his shoulders. “However, if you really feel like we can do it, then let’s go for it.”

Dwalin drives him to school, and unfortunately does not give Kili a goodbye kiss. He knows that they have to be discreet because of Dwalin’s age, but he wishes that he could proudly boast that he has a boyfriend. However, his school isn’t that tolerant to begin with, so it’s probably best that he doesn’t say anything. 

And he’d rather have a secret relationship with Dwalin than no relationship at all. 

The day is actually going really well, and that should have been Kili’s first hint that it was all going to fall apart. He had received two tests back, and had scored high on both of them. Considering one of them had been math, a subject he normally struggles with, Kili can’t stop the wide grin that takes over his face as he tucks the paper into his backpack. He can’t wait to show Dwalin. 

It’s lunch time, and he’s just in line paying for his food in the cafeteria when it happens. He pulls out his wallet, and the wad of money that Thorin had given him falls to the floor. He bends down to grab it, but instead Azog is suddenly swooping in behind him to snatch it. He shoves it in his dirty jean pocket and gives Kili a yellow-toothed smirk. 

“Hey, Durin,” he says, and there’s a pack of his friends behind him. 

Kili can still taste the blood in his mouth from the last time that Azog had beat him, and swallows hard. Thorin had promised that it would be better, and it has been, but that’s because Azog has been leaving him alone. Now that they’re in direct contact, Kili isn’t so confident that it will go well. Still, he remembers his promise to Thorin to be the best that he can be, and that means he doesn’t get to pick fights whenever he wants. 

“Hey,” he mutters, and holds out his hand. “Can I have my money back, please? It’s my uncle’s.”

“Right, because you don’t have parents of your own,” a boy behind Azog sneers. 

Kili stiffens as a delighted grin takes over Azog’s face. “That’s right,” Azog says, and he takes a step closer into Kili’s personal space. “Your mom went and died, and what about your dad? You don’t have a dad?”

Kili doesn’t really remember much of his dad, even though he knows that Fili does. However, Fili doesn’t have any good memories, and so Kili has always counted himself lucky to not remember the bastard. He still doesn’t like to be mocked about it, though. 

“The money, please,” he says, continuing to hold his hand out. He’s proud of the way it doesn’t tremble. 

“What money?” Azog says innocently as the lunch hour supervisor heads their way, a scowl already on her face. 

“What’s going on here?” She demands, focusing the heat of her gaze on Azog. “Are you bullying again? Perhaps we need to have another talk with Mr. Lake.”

“I was just leaving,” Azog says, and he turns to walk away. 

“Azog!” Kili calls, and he narrows his eyes. He’s totally going to get his ass beat for this. “You took my money, and I want it back.”

“I did no such thing,” Azog sneers. “Why would I take your money? Unlike you, I have parents and they both have jobs. I get anything that I want. You’re practically living on welfare, judging by the clothes that you wear. If anything, I’d be giving you money.”

Kili hadn’t counted the money that Thorin had gave him, he had just absently shoved it into his back pocket, and now he could kick himself. He has absolutely no proof that the money was originally his, and it’s not like any of Azog’s friends will come to his defense. 

“That’s enough, break it up and go eat your lunches,” the supervisor says, and then she walks away. 

Kili hesitates before he grips his tray tighter and pushes past Azog to find an empty table. Gimli is waving at him from across the room, but Kili has little desire to speak with Fili’s friend right now. He still hasn’t made up with his brother, and Fili has probably told Gimli not only about the fight, but of what a pain that Kili has been all these years. 

The afternoon is miserable as he spends his time thinking about how Thorin is going to react to him losing the money. He’s not going to be able to buy groceries, so it’s probably best that he doesn’t even go home for supper. If he can just avoid the apartment until late, then Thorin will spend a little time yelling at him, but they’ll have ordered a pizza and fed Balin ages ago. 

_Don’t worry about picking me up, I’ll meet you at home._ He reads his text one more time before he hits send. He doesn’t want to tell Dwalin the truth either. 

Dwalin’s response comes swiftly._ Is everything all right? _

His chest tightens at how well the older man seems to know him. Even through text message he can sense that something isn’t right. He chews on his bottom lip and glances up at the whiteboard to give the illusion that he’s paying attention. He’s got his phone shoved between the pages of his textbook. 

_It’s fine. I’ll see you sometime tonight. _

That probably hadn’t been the most subtle message to send, but he’s not going to start lying in their relationship so early. Thorin has asked him to run less, and while he’s tried his best, it really would be better if he just didn’t show up tonight. He’d rather save the fight for when Balin isn’t around. 

_I will see you at 3:15 sharp. You better be waiting for me. _

He groans, and leans forward to thump his head against the desk. The rest of the afternoon speeds by, because that’s just how it works. The more Kili dreads something, the quicker time seems to go. He pushes his way out of the side door, closest to the parking lot, and glares at Azog who is sitting on the hood of his car. 

He can see Dwalin’s truck pulled up to the side of the road by the parking lot, and he cuts his way across the grass to reach it, ignoring the taunts from Azog and his friends. He slams the truck door shut behind himself, and exhales heavily. All day he walks around carrying tension in his shoulders, braced for anything, and he always has to take a moment to decompress when he reaches somewhere safe. 

“Rough day?” Dwalin asks, and he’s looking past Kili to where Azog is sitting. “What happened that made you want to run away?”

Kili follows Dwalin’s gaze, and Azog is looking directly at them. He says something, and all his cronies burst into laughter. “It’s just Azog,” he mutters. “He’s just being his usual charming self.”

He carries a sense of embarrassment over the whole situation with Azog. Dwalin is in his early thirties, and most likely doesn’t ever encounter bullies anymore. Kili isn’t positive the way the adult lifestyle works, but he has a sinking feeling that bullies are something you deal with in high school, and so every mention of Azog only reaffirms to Dwalin just how young Kili is, and what a bad idea this definitely is. Kili’s not an idiot, regardless of what his grades say. He knows that what they’re doing is stupid. Dwalin could go to prison for him. It should make him feel special, like he’s worth the risk, but all he feels is guilty. He doesn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s biggest life regret. 

And that’s surely what Dwalin will come to view this, someday. 

“Was he physical with you?” Dwalin asks, and he cracks his knuckles against the steering wheel. “I specifically told that fucking principal of yours that if he so much laid a _finger_ on you – ”

“No, he didn’t!” Kili interrupts, alarmed. The last thing he needs is Dwalin getting involved. Azog had already taunted him once about Dwalin being his boyfriend, and Kili had been able to laugh it off. Now it’s something a lot more close to the truth, and Kili has a lousy poker face. 

“He did something,” Dwalin says, narrowing his gaze. “Can you tell me what it was? He seems to find something quite humorous.”

Kili hesitates, and then exhales in a rough breath. He doesn’t want to lie to Dwalin. “Fine,” he finally says. “You can’t get mad, though. I dropped the money that Uncle gave me for money, and Azog took it. He won’t give it back.”

Dwalin’s eyes wheel back around to look at Kili’s face before going back to looking at Azog, who has jutted his chin out defiantly at them. Dwalin’s shoving the gear into park, and sliding out of his truck door before Kili can even say anything further. Kili opens his mouth to stop him, but the truck door slams shut before he can. Kili scrambles out of the truck behind him, because he doesn’t trust Dwalin not to beat the living shit out of Azog. 

It would be well deserved, but Dwalin would get into trouble, and he’s already risking so much for Kili. 

“Dwalin, stop!” He calls, running to catch up to Dwalin’s long strides as he makes a bee line towards Azog, who has stopped smiling. 

Dwalin does come to a stop, but only because he’s reached Azog’s car, and he’s looming over Azog with a deep scowl on his face and his arms crossed. “Where’s the money?”

“Who the fuck are you?” Azog drawls, and he’s not moving from his position. Kili would almost admire it, because he knows Dwalin and sometimes even _he’s_ nervous of him. 

“Give Kili back his money,” Dwalin repeats, and he holds out his hand. 

“Oh, you’re his boyfriend,” Azog says, and he smirks again. “I had forgotten about you. Glad to see the spark is still burning.”

Kili flushes, because if Azog had any idea just how close he was to the truth, he would make Kili’s life a living nightmare. He would ruin Dwalin’s life if he knew, and Kili can’t allow that to happen. 

“Shut the fuck up, and give me the money,” Dwalin says, inching closer. It’s late October, and the weather has turned cool so he’s wearing a leather jacket. He looks so formidable, and Kili doesn’t know how Azog isn’t scared. 

“Look, I don’t know what he told you, but I don’t have any money,” Azog says, and he leans back on the hood, using his hands to brace himself. “If that’s all you came for, you can go now.”

Dwalin’s breathing hard, and there’s a teacher that’s watching them by his car. Any minute he’s going to decide to come over here, and the school has already proven that they will do nothing when it comes to Azog. It’s not worth any fight, and if he gets Dwalin to walk away now, it might even give him a few days of reprieve from Azog. He can only hope that Thorin won’t be too mad. 

“Forget about it,” he says, and leans forward to give Dwalin a nudge. “Let’s go.”

“This idiot took your money, he shouldn’t be able to get away it,” Dwalin grits out, refusing to move. 

“It wasn’t that much,” Kili insists, and he reaches out to grab Dwalin’s forearm. “Let’s go.”

Dwalin thankfully chooses to listen to him now, and he wheels away from Azog, striding back towards his truck. Kili doesn’t roll his eyes, doesn’t flick the finger, doesn’t do anything that could cause any further discord. Instead, he turns and follows Dwalin, keeping sure to stay a few steps behind him so they don’t appear like they’re together. 

Dwalin’s silent as Kili climbs into the truck beside him, and doesn’t speak until they’re pulled out of the school parking lot and deep into traffic. “Why did you walk away?”

“It wasn’t worth it,” Kili says, picking at a hole in his jeans. “I don’t want you defending me in front of him, all it does is make him suspicious and that’s the last thing we need.”

“It’s not right that he stole your money,” Dwalin says, and he slams his palm down on the steering wheel. “It’s not right!”

“No, it’s not, but it’s not worth it.” The last thing he needs is Azog discovering the truth, because that would literally ruin everything. “I’ll explain to Thorin.”

“Don’t bother Thorin about it,” Dwalin retorts. “I’ll buy the groceries with my own money and he’ll never even have to know.”

“I don’t mind telling him,” Kili says, even though he does. He knows what happened today isn’t really his fault, but he doesn’t need Thorin viewing him as weak, or troublesome. He’s already proven to be both. 

“It’s my fault you have to cook anyway,” Dwalin says, guiding the truck down a side street towards their local grocery store. “You’re having to feed my brother, so let me worry about the cost.”

***

Thorin hadn’t instructed Kili what to cook, and Dwalin had teased about his chicken parm, but Kili had told Dwalin that was a stretch of his skills so he was making an executive decision. He buys a pre-cooked ham and a box of scalloped potatoes. Dwalin knows if his mother saw that box she would give a full body shudder, but he keeps his mouth shut. He can appreciate that Thorin is trying to instill some responsibilities into Kili, and it’s not like any of them are conneseiurs of fine dining. They’re all bachelors, he tells Kili, and Balin is the king of microwave meals. 

Balin is his usual chatty self when he arrives, and he quickly makes himself comfortable in the living room with a glass of red. Thorin had brought home a bottle with him, but Dwalin can tell by the way that Balin’s nose wrinkles that it’s cheap. Balin has too many manners to comment on that, though. Dwalin knows that he should really stay in the living room and let Thorin be the one to guide Kili, but he doesn’t care about accounting politics, and so he excuses himself to the kitchen. 

Kili’s in the tiny galley kitchen, the tip of his tongue caught between his teeth as he dumps the contents of the box into a sauce pot on the top of the stove. The little fake ham is already sitting in a dish to the side, ready to be added later to the oven since it just needs to be warmed up. He had also bought a bagged salad, deciding that Thorin would approve of that. 

Dwalin hates bagged salad, but he had kept his mouth shut. 

“Looks good,” Dwain says, and he steps forward to slide his hand up Kili’s back, under his shirt, just to feel the warmth of his skin. 

Kili shivers under his touch, and it turns Dwalin’s stomach in the most delicious way. He can hardly wait to really be alone with Kili, to get a chance to spread him out open on a bed, and watching every flush of his skin. Arousal is always warring with guilt in his mind and stomach, and Dwalin is constantly left off-balanced. 

“It seems easy enough, it’ll be pretty bad if I mess it up,” Kili says, and his skin feels hot underneath Dwalin’s touch. 

Dwalin slides his hand around the smooth side, his fingertips brushing against Kili’s abdomen, which flexes almost unconsciously. He can feel the hem of Kili’s pants, and he dips his fingers into the waistband just a little, just to hear the broken noise that Kili emits. He presses his lips against the back of Kili’s neck before he pulls away, clearing his throat. 

“Do you need any help?”

“No,” Kili says, turning to flash Dwalin a quick grin. “I think you’re just more of a distraction than anything.”

“I’ll go,” Dwalin promises, because he doesn’t want Balin and Thorin to grow suspicious about his time in the kitchen. He slides his hand around Kili’s waist again, and this time he presses his lips gently against Kili’s. Kili immediately gasps against his mouth, and Dwalin can’t resist slipping his tongue in, just a brief taste, before he forces himself to wrench away. 

He leaves the kitchen, because while he might be too much of a distraction for Kili, Kili has proven himself to be too much of a temptation for Dwalin. He loses the little sense he has, and ends up kissing him in the kitchen where Thorin or Balin could walk in at any moment! With a shake of his head, Dwalin settles on the couch beside Thorin and grabs his book that’s sitting on the end table, flipping it open. 

The rise and fall of voices settles him as he reads, and it seems like only a blink before Thorin is nudging his side, saying, “Let’s eat.”

Kili’s even set the table, and the four of them seat themselves around the table. Dwalin snags the chair beside Balin, directly across from Kili. They dish up, and the discussion turns from mundane accounting topics to the large account that Thorin has been trying to win for months. 

“I still don’t think it would be the best fit for you,” Balin says, cutting his ham into small, bite sized pieces. “There would be extra travel involved, and I don’t know if that would work with your situation.”

Kili flushes at that, since it is well known around the table exactly who Thorin’s situation is, but he remains silent. He’s been quiet all meal, which is unusual. Dwalin would be worried that something was wrong, but he knows that Kili is just concerned about not being subtle enough. Dwalin should really lead more by example, since none of this is a joke. It wouldn’t be funny if Thorin or Balin suspected them, it would be an absolute nightmare. 

Dwalin can’t even bear thinking about what would happen. 

The meal flows easily, although there’s an uncomfortable pit in Dwalin’s stomach as they eat. Balin is a shrewd observer, and Dwalin has always resented having that attention directed at him. It’s been less since they’ve been adults, but right now he can sense Balin’s gaze settling on him, and then sliding over to Kili. 

“So Kili, you must be in your final year of high school,” Balin says, taking a sip of his wine. “I know the year is still early, but have you given any thought to your future?”

Kili starts, for he had been mostly zoned out by staring at Dwalin’s mouth, and Dwalin is unable to help the smirk that sweeps over his face. He wishes Thorin and Balin would disappear, so he could hoist Kili up on to the table, driving inside of him forcefully while feeding him ham. The thought jerks in his stomach, like a hook around his navel, and he forces his mind to focus on present matters. 

“Not really,” Kili says, dragging the tines of his fork through the mushy pile on his plate that used to be scalloped potatoes. “I mean, I think I’ll probably just get a job and work for a bit?”

“I thought you had spoken of your desire to follow Fili to York University,” Balin says, and there’s a genial smile on his face. Dwalin knows he’s fond of Kili, and of Fili as well. Neither of them have children, and likely never will, and so when Thorin had gotten the boys, Balin had decided they were like nephews to him, and had treated them as such. 

Kili shakes his head, and his dark hair slides into his face. He lifts a hand to push it out of the way, and Dwalin’s fingers twitch with the urge to reach out and wind the strands around his own hand, tugging Kili in for a kiss. “No, I don’t think I’d ever get accepted into such a place,” he says, and he shrugs his shoulders. “I’m not really worrying about it right now, I know I’ve got a lot of time yet.”

“You say that, but the year will fly by, and you’ll be graduated before you know it! Perhaps you’ll want to follow your uncle’s footsteps into accounting?”

Kili blanches and shakes his head. “No way. I do not have the best math skills.”

Thorin snorts, and reaches over to tousle Kili’s hair. It burns Dwalin to know that Thorin has more of a right to touch Kili in public than he does. The moment the thought flickers in his mind, slick guilt curves around his stomach and tightens. He’s a grown adult, and Kili is a teenager, on the cusp of graduating high school. He should be focused on university and having a life, experiencing all sorts of firsts out there, rather than worrying if anyone is going to find out that Dwalin is violating him. 

“Excuse me,” Dwalin murmurs, and pushes himself away from the table. He hurries to the bathroom and shuts the door behind himself, breathing heavily out through his nose. The creamy potatoes and ham are swilling uneasily in his stomach right now, shame threatening to expel it all. 

He goes to his bedroom and shuts the door behind himself, going to sit down on the edge of his bed. He’s typically not an anxious person, and doesn’t think he’s ever had a panic attack, but right now there’s a greyness clouding the sides of his vision, and he can feel his heart hammering away in his chest. He sucks in a deep breath through his mouth and holds it for a few seconds before he exhales through his nose. He repeats it a few times until the darkness has receded from his vision, and he’s no longer shaking. 

Rubbing a hand over the crown of his head, Dwalin huffs out a frustrated breath. He had promised Kili that he was all in, that he was committed to their relationship. And yet, now he’s having a goddamn panic attack at the age of thirty-three. If he’s so conflicted about the relationship, he can only imagine how Kili is feeling. Although, Kili is only seventeen, and Dwalin is not so old that he can’t remember how he felt when he was seventeen. His mind had only been focused on one thing, and while he’d like to give Kili more credit than that… 

Snorting out a laugh, Dwalin pushes himself to his feet. He’s already been gone for twenty minutes, he can’t sit in here for the rest of the night. He could always claim he was sick, but there’s a selfish part of him that despite the guilt and the shame, wants to see Kili. He takes a deep breath, resolving not to interact with Kili more than necessary, and heads back out into the main living space.


	12. Chapter 12

Kili wakes early the next Saturday morning, and stumbles out of his bedroom to use the bathroom. He’s sidetracked on his way back by Thorin sitting on the couch, dressed in jeans and an olive green sweater. He’s typing something on his phone, but he glances up when he catches sight of Kili. 

“I’m glad you’re up,” he says, pushing himself to his feet. He’s already got his brown loafers on. “I’m not working today, and I decided we could hang out.”

Kili’s not exactly up for the day, that’s a bit of a stretch. He could easily go back to bed and sleep for another couple of hours since he had been up late watching… YouTube videos. Sure. However, he so rarely sees Thorin as it is, that he would hate to discourage him. He covers his mouth as a yawn overtakes him, and pushes his hair out of his eyes. 

“What did you have in mind?”

“Get dressed, you’ll see,” Thorin says, and there’s a smile playing around the corner of his lips. “I think you’ll like it.”

Kili’s curiosity is piqued. His eyes slide to Dwalin’s bedroom door, which is firmly shut. “Is Dwalin coming, or is it just us?”

He really hopes Dwalin is coming. 

“Just us,” Thorin says, and the hint of a smile blooms into something a little more permanent. “Dwalin has to work today, so I found something else to keep you occupied. Get dressed!”

He’s disappointed that Dwalin won’t be joining them, but he hurries to his room anyway. He dresses quickly, wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt, throwing a navy hoodie over on top of it. He drags a brush rapidly through his hair and then pulls it back into a messy bun. It needs to be washed and straightened again, his curls are starting to peek through. He grabs a beanie and shoves it over the whole mess. 

He wanders back out of his room, hoping that Dwalin will at least be roaming around the apartment by now, but his bedroom door is still firmly shut. He goes into the bathroom and brushes his teeth and then presents himself to Thorin for inspection. 

Thorin smiles, and squeezes his shoulder. “Come on, we’re driving.”

Kili is even more curious now, since the majority of the time, they use public transportation to get around. Dwalin has a truck, but it’s such a bitch to find a parking spot close to their apartment that he tends to ride the bus. Kili has only ever seen Thorin drive a handful of times since he moved here. He remains silent, though, and follows Thorin outside of their building and down the street to where Dwalin had last parked his truck. 

Silence hangs in the air between them until they’re already driving, closer to the outskirts of the city, and finally Kili asks, “So where are we going?”

Thorin grins at him. “Are you ready?” He asks, and actually pauses until Kili finally nods his head. “We’re going to visit Fili!”

Ice settles low in Kili’s gut. He knows that Thorin is excited, and probably thinks that Kili will be thrilled, since Kili had previously begged for Thorin to let him visit his brother. That was before Thanksgiving, though. That was before he realized what a pain he was to Fili, and how much his older brother resented him. And that was definitely before Kili realized that Fili had done drugs. 

“Why?” Kili asks, because he can’t force himself to fake enthusiasm for this. 

Thorin throws him a surprised look. “What do you mean, why?” He demands, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. “I told you when Fili left that I would take you up there to visit him, and it’s been over two months since he’s been gone. I figured it was time I held up my promise.”

“Oh,” Kili says, sliding his gaze out the window. He wishes that he could text Dwalin and tell him what’s happening, and have Dwalin fix it somehow. 

“What do you mean, oh?” Thorin repeats, and he’s starting to sound a little angry now. “I thought you’d be happy.”

Kili should probably come clean about everything that happened at Thanksgiving, and tell Thorin the horrible things Fili had said. And he should really tell Thorin that Fili is into cocaine. His relationship with his brother is already so precarious, though, that he doesn’t dare. Fili would lose his mind if he found out that Kili was tattling. 

“Well, I’m not,” he settles on saying. “I know that I’m never going to go to university, and so it doesn’t feel nice having to go to one and pretend to be happy for Fili when I know that I’ll never experience it.”

Thorin’s mouth drops open. “Kili! That’s completely untrue! There is no reason to believe that you won’t graduate and go to a decent university.”

“Yeah, but it’ll never be York,” Kili counters. It only bothers him a little, but if he can make a big deal out of this, and have Thorin turn the truck around, then he’ll exploit it if he can. “It’ll be some dumpy community college, and I’ll have to go in for a trade or something.”

“There is nothing wrong with going in for a trade.” Thorin’s really frowning now. “The stereotypical university experience doesn’t have to be the norm for everyone. Plenty of people go to college for trade work and are successful for it.”

“I’ll be lucky just to graduate,” Kili says, folding his arms across his chest. He feels bad, because they’ve been getting along a lot better lately. Ever since he told Thorin that he’s gay, and ever since Thorin went to the school to defend him, there has been a tentative peace between them. Kili doesn’t want to act like a spoiled brat once more and ruin that, but he also doesn’t want to see Fili. 

He won’t be able to pretend that everything is okay. 

“Now you’re just being melodramatic,” Thorin huffs out. “Of course you’re going to graduate. Your mother…” he hesitates, like even Thorin knows that mentioning Dis is in poor taste right now. “Your mother would want that,” he finishes firmly. 

He’s not wrong, but it still rankles Kili when the dead mother card is pulled out. “I want to go home,” he says, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and he bites down on it firmly until there’s a burst of pain that recedes the stinging from his eyes. 

“We’re almost out of Toronto,” Thorin says, gesturing towards the open highway in front of them. “We’ll be there in forty minutes. I thought we could see Fili’s room, and his campus, and go for a nice lunch.”

“You can go if you want, but I want to go home,” Kili insists. “You can pull over and just drop me off. I’ll take the bus back home.”

Thorin sighs, slowly the truck down to make a right hand turn. He pulls over on to a side street and puts the truck into park. He turns to face Kili as best as his seatbelt will allow him. “We’re like thirty minutes from home already,” he says. “Do you think it’s wise to take the bus from here?”

There’s a small ping of hurt that Thorin is willing to drop him off in the outskirts of Toronto so he can continue on to see his precious Fili, but he’s pretty used to the favoritism by now. He knows that it’s well earned, Fili was always the calm and steady one. Kili has proven himself to be troublesome, and only has himself to blame. 

“Of course it’s fine,” he says, lifting his chin stubbornly. Like he’s going to admit anything less. 

“Very well, I’d hate to waste this day since I took it off,” Thorin says, like spending time with just Kili would be a waste. 

He’s not going to argue though, because if he can get back to the apartment before Dwalin leaves for work, he might be able to convince the older man to stay home from work. Thorin will be out of the city completely, and they can lock the door and really take their time with each other. Maybe Dwalin would even lay Kili out on his bed and slowly open him with his tongue, and fingers, before finally pushing inside – 

“Are you all right?” Thorin interrupts. “You’re flushed.”

Kili grins and scrambles to unbuckle himself. “Never better,” he promises Thorin, wrenching the truck door open. He’ll have to use his phone to find the closest bus stop. “Have a great time! See you tonight!”

Thorin waves, a frown still on his face, but Kili doesn’t bother to stick around to assure Thorin that he’s fine. Instead, he slams the truck door shut and sets off down the crumbling sidewalk, glancing up at the street sign so he can orient himself. He pulls his phone out and opens his map app, relieved to see that the bus stop isn’t that far from here. 

It’s all for naught though. He has to transfer several times, and it takes him over an hour to get home. By the time he’s pushing his way inside the apartment, it’s completely empty, and he’s missed his window of opportunity. Still, it’s better than having to see Fili, so he settles on to the couch to have some time to himself.

***

Two days later finds Kili on his back, his breath punched out of him as the grey sky swims in his vision. He’s laid flat out on the football field from where Azog had body-checked him. The only part of Phys Ed that sucks is that Azog is in his class. Typically the bully ignores him, because he only has one of his Orcs with him, and Kili tends to stick close to the teacher. However, Azog clearly hasn’t forgotten the money incident, because he’s suddenly leaning over Kili, filling up his view.

“You ever try to snitch on me again to your ugly ass boyfriend, I will beat the ever living shit out of you,” Azog whispers, a smile playing around the corners of his mouth. 

“Fuck you,” Kili wheezes. 

“No thanks, unlike some, I don’t like dick,” Azog sneers, and then straightens up, a bright smile on his face as he calls out, “He’s fine! Just a bit winded!”

Kili feels like he’s dying, but he forces himself to roll over on to his hands and knees, pausing momentarily to pant out a sharp pain, and then pushes himself to his feet. He waves one hand at the teacher to alleviate whatever forced concern is there, and then turns to Azog. 

“You’re such an asshole,” he mutters. “And he’s not my boyfriend, gross. He’s like, super old.” He apologizes to Dwalin in his head, but he thinks under the circumstances, Dwalin would understand. 

“Maybe you love wrinkly old ball sac, how the fuck should I know?” Azog says. “Thanks for the money, by the way. I used that to buy some weed.”

Kili scowls but he’s not going to fight it. Not when his back hurts the way it does. He doesn’t think Azog seriously believes that Dwalin is his boyfriend, but he’s not about to continue defending the issue and make him think that it is. He’s learned not to fight Azog. 

Thankfully Phys Ed is the last period of the day, so Kili doesn’t linger in the changerooms. Azog always yells out for everyone to hide their dicks before Kili starts drooling, so he just grabs his clothes, shoves them in his backpack, and leaves the school still wearing his Phys Ed shorts and t-shirt. It’s a bit cool on the walk to the bus stop, but it doesn’t matter. Better than having the entire locker room staring at him like he’s some kind of pervert. 

He hopes Dwalin will be home when he gets to the apartment, but when he opens the door, it’s dark and empty. Disappointment and relief are warring emotions in his chest. He had wanted to see Dwalin and spend some time with him, but he’s kind of relieved to have some time to himself as well. It’s difficult processing this relationship at times, and there’s no one that he can talk to about it. It’s not like he can even go home and get some peace from the tension. 

It’s been super handy to have Thorin working constantly – his uncle seems to live and breathe work, and while Kili should be feeling neglected, he’s more relieved. It makes everything with Dwalin a lot easier, and so he’s not going to start pressing Thorin to be home more, at least, not yet. 

He turns on the front hallway light, and then the kitchen as he passes by. The living room light goes on, and the hallway one as well. He hates the dark. Thorin always rolls his eyes and grimaces, threatening to make Kili pay the power bill, but Kili can’t help it.   
The dark is so suffocating, he can see headlights careening towards them, brakes squealing – he shakes his head, pushing the thoughts from his mind as the apartment becomes bathed in light. 

After stopping in his bedroom to grab clean clothes, he heads into the bathroom and locks the door behind himself, stripping his Phys Ed clothes off and leaving them in a pile on the floor by the sink. He twists the bath taps on, letting the water warm up as it streams from the faucet. While it’s running, he stares at himself in the mirror, grabbing his brush that’s full of hair and he drags it through his hair in quick, brisk strokes. There’s a scatter of marks on his chest from where Dwalin had kissed him a few days ago, the skin bruised and tender to the touch. 

He reaches for his phone and searches his playlists until he finds the one he’s been working on. He’s creating a list of just Elton John music, since every song he’s heard from him now comes with a delicious memory. He hits shuffle and turns the volume up, leaving his phone on the bathroom counter as he climbs into the hot shower. 

_I’ll write a symphony just for you and me, if you let me love you. I’ll paint a masterpiece just for you to see, if you let me love you…_

He ducks under the steady stream of warmth, and lets it cascade down over his hair and body. The strands become damp quickly, plastering against his face, and he huffs out a breath as he pushes it back. He’s debated about getting a haircut, but he doesn’t want Fili to think that he’s trying to copy him. Plus, Dwalin seems to like his hair well enough, because he’s always playing with it. 

It had been fun to take Dwalin on a date, one that he thought of and one that he paid for. The cinema has always been Kili’s spot, and now it’s something that he shares with Dwalin. The only disappointing thing had been the audience. Kili wants to take Dwalin back to the cinema, this time to a movie that has no one there, and Dwalin could kneel on the filthy floor, pressing Kili against the worn seat as he sucks his dick. 

The thought is enough to make his cock twitch, and Kili doesn’t hesitate to take himself in his hand. He jerks himself off slowly, savouring the slippery slide against the heated velvet of his skin. It’s a bit dry, though, so he reaches for Dwalin’s shower gel and squirts a liberal dollop into his palm. It’s much slicker now, and he gasps out wetly, his toes curling against the ceramic floor of the tub. Clenching his eyes shut and inhaling deeply through his nostrils, Kili can just imagine that it’s Dwalin’s hand on him the entire time, rumbling in his ear at how good he looks. He’s sliding towards the edge of the cliff, everything tightening, and he sees stars as he splatters the shower wall with his release. 

Sagging back out of the direct steam, Kili sucks in a shuddering breath. He weakly cups water in his hand and pours it down the tile, over and over until all remnants of his deed is washed away. The rest of his shower goes quickly, and he scrubs his hair clean before he exits, feeling bone weary and wrung out in the best way. He leaves the bathroom with a fogged up mirror and wet towels on the floor, dressed in sweats and a tshirt, his wet hair twisted up into a bun. 

He stops short in the hallway, because Thorin is sitting on the couch. The TV is off, and he doesn’t have any paperwork or anything in front of him. He’s just sitting on the couch, staring at the wall blankly. Kili frowns, and crosses the room to stand beside him. Thorin gives no notice of Kili’s presence, and so Kili clears his throat, saying, “Uncle? Are you all right?”

Thorin starts beside him, and then blinks up at Kili. He’s silent as they stare at each other, and Kili is just about to speak again when Thorin finally does, his voice rusty. “Yes, I’m fine. Where’s Dwalin?”

“He’s at work,” Kili says, and then his stomach suddenly swoops in panic. He shouldn’t know Dwalin’s whereabouts at all times, that looks too suspicious! Combined with the odd behavior from Thorin, is it possible that Thorin knows? What if Thorin has found out exactly what’s transpired between him and Dwalin, and he’s here to confront Kili! What would Thorin even _do_ if he knew the truth? 

Kili doesn’t want to ever know the answer to that. 

“I’ll give him a call,” Thorin says, and he’s reaching into the breast pocket of his navy suit, pulling out his cell phone. 

“Is everything okay?” Kili demands, because all sorts of scenarios are racing through his mind now, and he can feel a cold sweat break out on the back of his neck. “What’s wrong with Dwalin?”

“Kili, nothing is wrong with him,” Thorin says, and he gives Kili a small, albeit confused smile. “I have a pressing matter that I need to speak to him about, and I’m afraid it can’t wait.”

Kili’s stomach settles at that, because if Thorin knew about him and Dwalin, Kili knows that his uncle wouldn’t be this calm. He gets into a strop about the tiniest thing, in Kili’s opinion, and so surely something like Dwalin being involved romantically with Kili would call for something a little more drastic than a _pressing matter_. 

Kili takes a seat beside Thorin as he lifts the phone to his ear. He shifts on the couch beside him, finally grabbing the book that Dwalin’s currently reading. He thumbs through it slowly, but it’s a thick fantasy novel, and Kili frowns as he skims the pages. It seems awfully boring to him. 

“Hello, Dwalin, it’s Thorin,” he says, and Kili glances at him from the corner of his eye. “I need you at home as soon as you can come. I apologize if that puts you in a bind, but I really need you home.” He’s silent, before quickly saying, “No, it’s not an emergency, Kili is all right. It’s important, though. Will you come?”

Kili flushes at the knowledge that Dwalin’s first concern had been that Kili might be hurt.

“All right, I’ll see you soon,” Thorin says, and then disconnects the call. He slides the phone back into his breast pocket. 

There had been something in Thorin’s tone that had ratcheted Kili’s concern up once more, and he’s not convinced that he’s in the clear just yet. Kili lets the book thump down on the end table beside the couch, and studies Thorin who is back to staring at the wall. His mind is whirling as he tries to think of things that could be wrong besides his relationship with Dwalin. 

He has a grandfather out there somewhere, he knows that. His mother hadn’t spoken of him much, at least nothing kind. He had left the family when Thorin had been younger than Kili, leaving Dis to finish raising her brother while trying to raise her own babies. Kili knows that his mother hadn’t cared if he ever came back or not. Still, perhaps he has somehow found Thorin, or maybe he’s died and they tracked Thorin down to tell him?

“Is everything okay?” Kili asks again, before a thought that he had never thought of before slams into his breath, nearly taking his breath away. He stills on the couch, his hands clenched into sudden fists at his side. “Is it Fili?” He demands, his voice rising in pitch with each syllable. “Is Fili hurt? Did the university call you? Did something happen?”

He’s still mad at Fili for everything that’s happened, but what if Fili’s seriously hurt with drugs and Kili will be blamed because he didn’t say anything to Thorin? What if it’s too late to tell Thorin, and Fili is already dead?

He doesn’t even realize that he’s having a panic attack until Thorin is kneeling on the floor in front of him, his hands cupping Kili’s face. “Kili, Kili, Kili,” he says soothingly, taking deep breathes and exhaling slowly, until Kili’s breathing syncs up. “Fili is just fine, I promise. The university didn’t phone me. Everything is okay, no one is dying or hurt. I have an opportunity at work that I am interested in, but I need to speak to Dwalin before I make such a large decision. I just need to decide soon, which is why I have him coming home. It’s all right.”

Kili wrenches away from him, his face flushed hot and sweaty. He feels like an absolute idiot for his response. He slides off the couch, and rolls his shoulders, like he’s completely fine. “Oh, cool,” he says, bolting from the room and into the kitchen, unable to meet Thorin’s sympathetic gaze any longer. He digs in the fridge and pulls out all the ingredients for a sandwich, and prepares himself a stacked sandwich. By the time he’s finished, the front door has opened and closed, and he can hear the rise and fall of voices in the living room. 

Kili sidles back into the living room, and Thorin is still on the couch. Dwalin’s in his arm chair, dressed in gym clothes, and he looks absolutely delicious in an older, sweaty gruff way. Kili sides on the far side of the couch, as far away as possible from Thorin, balancing himself on the arm of it. 

“Am I allowed to be here, or is this an _adult_ discussion?” He asks, infusing as much contempt as he can into the word adult. He can still remember the early days when Thorin would send him and Fili to their room because he had to have an adult discussion with Dwalin, usually about them. 

Thorin smiles wryly and shakes his head. “No, I’d like for you to stay. You’ll need to have a voice in this matter as well.”

“Get on with it, then,” Dwalin says, and Kili doesn’t miss the irritated cut to his tone. He must have been involved a training session, and he never takes lightly from being interrupted during those. Kili’s found that out. “You dragged me home, it must be something pretty important.”

“You could say that it is,” Thorin says, and he exhales slowly. He meets Kili’s gaze briefly and then turns his attention to Dwalin, his mouth splitting wide into a big grin. “I have officially secured the Erebor account! I am able to sign the papers today!”

“Well done, Thorin!” Dwalin enthuses, and he’s standing to pull Thorin to his feet and give him a bear hug, slapping his back roughly. “You’ve been working on this account for over a year!”

Kili, who pays less attention to Thorin’s job, gives his uncle a smile and takes a large bite out of his turkey sandwich. “That’s great,” he manages, his mouth full. He’s confused as to why this is so important that Dwalin had to come home from work, but considering Kili now gets to ogle his sweaty biceps, he’s not going to complain. 

“Like I said, I have to sign the papers tonight, formally accepting the account,” Thorin says. “If I don’t sign them, then the account will pass to someone else, most likely Balin.”

“Why haven’t you signed them already?” Dwalin demands, and he nudges Thorin back so he can sit back down in his armchair. “Is there a reason why you wouldn’t accept it?”

“Well, that’s the thing, you see,” Thorin says, and he’s turning to face Kili as he sits back down beside him on the couch. There’s an earnest, apologetic look on his face, and Kili has a sinking feeling that he’s not going to like whatever comes out of Thorin’s mouth next. “If I accept the Erebor account, then I will have to visit the client and spend three weeks with them, aligning the accounts. However, the client resides in… Japan.”

Kili’s jaw drops. Thorin’s always had a mostly boring career in Kili’s opinion, but it has suddenly ratchet up a couple degrees considering he gets to go to _Japan_. Some people have all the rotten luck! Thorin is still studying him apprehensively, his brows furrowed like they do when he’s concerned that Kili is going to lash out. Kili slides his gaze from Thorin to Dwalin, who is frozen in his arm chair, and a mild look of panic on his face. 

Maybe Dwalin doesn’t like Japan?

Thorin is still staring at him like he expects an answer, so Kili directs his gaze back towards his uncle. “They have the best gadgets in Japan,” he says hopefully. “I know they’re probably expensive, but do you think you could bring me something cool back? It doesn’t have to be big.”

Thorin’s frown deepens. “Are you going to be all right if I go, Kili? I want you to be completely honest, no one is going to judge you. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of me leaving for such a stretch of time, then I will say no. You are my first priority, not my job.”

Kili blinks in surprise, and his mouth is moving before his mind can even catch up to it. “Why would I care if you went? You work so much as it is, what’s the difference if you’re out of the country?”

Thorin deflates a little in his seat, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, you had such separation anxiety when Fili left for university, that I thought perhaps you might… care.”

“That was _Fili_,” Kili says, because even though he’s still mad at his brother, it was a completely different situation. 

“_I care_,” Dwalin suddenly interjects in a rather high-pitched voice. Kili and Thorin both swing their gazes his way, but his eyes are pinned on Thorin only, and Kili frowns. 

“Obviously there are a lot of details that we will need to discuss,” Thorin says before he turns back towards Kili. “Are you sure that you’ll be all right? I promise that I will come back in three weeks.”

Kili thinks of three weeks stretching out in front of them, and how he could spend every night in Dwalin’s room. There would be no interruptions, no distractions. They’ve fooled around a bit in the time since they’ve been together, and it’s been nice, but if Thorin is gone… then Kili’s pretty confident that he’ll be able to lose his virginity. 

He gives Thorin a brilliant smile and nods his head. “I think it’s a great idea,” he says, taking another large bite of his sandwich. “Have a fun trip!”

“You can’t just leave,” Dwalin says, and he’s shifting in his chair, leaning forward. “You cannot just leave for weeks at a time! Kili is seventeen, he can’t be left on his own for such a stretch of time!”

“I won’t be alone,” Kili says cheerfully. He’s so excited, this is awesome! “I’ll have you!”

Dwalin’s face turns stormy, and Kili falls silent. Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say, but he doesn’t know why. Why would Dwalin be upset about them having three weeks alone together? Can’t be put the same puzzle pieces together that Kili has? This is going to be great for their relationship, it’ll almost be like they’re equal partners, just living together. 

His stomach swoops pleasantly at the thought. 

Thorin glances between them. “Okay,” he says decisively, nudging Kili up off the couch. “How about you go hang out in your room for a little bit, I need to speak to Dwalin alone.”

“No way, not when this concerns me,” Kili argues, clutching his plate tighter. He’s not about to let Dwalin ruin this for them! “I asked if this would be one of your stupid adult discussions, and you said no! This affects me, so I’m staying out here.”

“I’m not going to tell you again!” Thorin says firmly. “Go to your room or you’re grounded.”

He’s so mad that he’s seeing little black spots flickering in his vision, and he doesn’t hesitate in throwing his empty plate at Thorin. He whips around on his heel and stalks out of the living room, slamming his bedroom door as hard as he can. Fuck them both for being so unreasonable! Kili is seventeen, he’s completely capable of staying home alone (God knows he does it enough with Thorin’s workload). He wouldn’t even be alone, that’s the real kicker – he’d have Dwalin here. 

Throwing himself down on his bed, he folds his arms over his chest and huffs out his breath angrily. The last week of October has been mostly dreary, and today is no different with big grey clouds hanging overhead, fat raindrops sliding down the pane of his window. 

Thorin _will_ go to Japan, and Dwalin _will_ fuck Kili, if Kili has anything to say about it!

***

There’s a roaring in his ears, the slam of Kili’s bedroom door still reverberating in his mind. He knows that Kili is probably hurt and angry right now, but that’s not at the forefront of his concerns right now. No, right now he’s faced with Thorin leaving for almost a month, and leaving Dwalin in sole charge of Kili.

“I didn’t think it would be a problem, but in hindsight, I should have discussed this privately with you first before ever mentioning it to him,” Thorin says apologetically, twisting his hands nervously in front of himself. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t sign up to parent either of them, and you’ve done more with them than I ever imagined. I’m grateful, and I would normally never ask this of you. However… this is Erebor. I’ve been working on this account for over a year. If I sign the papers, I’ll receive a bonus and a promotion. We could really use the extra money, Fili’s university isn’t cheap, and Kili graduates in the spring and then it’s his turn.”

“Good luck getting Kili to university,” Dwalin says, hot guilt stabbing his gut as he speaks. He’s always the first to tell Kili that he’s brilliant, that there’s no reason why he shouldn’t aim for the best schools in Canada, and now he’s undermining him in front of Thorin because he’s… scared? He rubs his hands over his face, exhaling heavily. “Jesus, Thorin. I understand how important and huge this is for you, but going to Japan for essentially a full month? That’s also pretty huge.”

“You’re telling me,” Thorin says, huffing out a laugh. “I’d have to make regular trips to Japan, but it would only be twice a year. Kili graduates in the spring, so it wouldn’t really matter after that. It’s just this once, Dwalin.”

“If you have to go twice a year…”

“I’ll try to push it off until the summer or something,” Thorin says. “Perhaps I’ll have to go sooner than expected, but I’ll figure it out when I come to it. I will only ask this of you once.”

“I don’t know what to do with him.”

“Now you’re just being purposefully obtuse,” Thorin says in a low voice, his gaze sweeping to the floor. “Kili has always preferred your company to mine. You two will get on just fine.”

Dwalin swallows hard, the back of his neck feeling hot. He’s not stupid, not by a long shot. He knows exactly why Kili is so pleased at the prospect of being alone with Dwalin for such a length of time. However, without Thorin’s presence in the apartment acting as a buffer, Dwalin is absolutely positive that his weakness will fail him, and he’ll end up sleeping with Kili. Kili is a minor, and Dwalin will take his innocence from him. 

Christ. 

“Don’t be daft, you’re his uncle,” Dwalin says, and he feels bad for Thorin. He tries the best he knows how to. “He adores you, you should know this.”

Thorin shrugs his shoulders, keeping his eyes on the worn carpet. “I have never been able to figure Kili out,” he says glumly. “I thought for sure he would be apprehensive about me leaving, you saw he acted when Fili left. And yet…”

“Fili left home permanently,” Dwalin says, and he crosses the room to sit beside Thorin on the couch, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You will be gone for three weeks before you return. There is a large difference there, Thorin. If you were to move to Japan, and leave Kili behind, I promise you that Kili be handling it very poorly, indeed.”

“I would never move to Japan, I am not nearly enough of an adventurous eater,” Thorin says with a smile before he sobers up. “Dwalin, as my oldest and closest friend, I am asking you to undertake this favour for me. Please, brother?”

Dwalin used to love it when Thorin called him brother, because it was such an honor. He’s always been a little distant from Balin with so many years between, and rooming with Thorin in university had been a breath of fresh air. They had forged a deep friendship, and it’s only grown even deeper throughout the years. Thorin trusts and loves him like a brother. He would not call Dwalin a brother if he knew what was transpiring between Dwalin and Kili, though. He doesn’t want to even think about where he’ll be with Kili after Thorin returns from Japan. 

His mind scrambles for one, last ditch effort excuse. “What if he refuses to go to school?” 

Thorin starts laughing. “Dwalin, he’s seventeen, not seven! You’ll be fine. I’m sure there might be the odd blip in the road, this is Kili we’re speaking about, but I’ll talk to him before I leave and inform him that you have full disciplinary reins while I’m away.”

Dwalin hates that the first image that pops into his mind is one of Kili bent over his lap, the pale skin of his ass reddening under the careful administration of Dwalin’s punishment. He swallows the groan that threatens to slip out, and clears his throat instead. 

“I’m really not sure about this,” he hedges, even though he knows it’s a losing battle. It’s all a losing battle, really – he’ll wind up agreeing to watch Kili while Thorin goes, and then he’ll wind up pressing Kili down against his white sheets, pressing inside of him as Kili wetly gasps underneath him, his fingers digging into Dwalin’s bicep. 

It’s all inevitable. 

“Please, brother?”

“Very well,” he says, closing his eyes, and behind his eyelids, he sees nothing but infinite space.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumbr @ viiiuniverse and twitter @ viiiuniverse3


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